The Ten Commandments of Air Travel

Posted on
Sep 18, 2012

(This is no doubt going to piss some people off. Oh, well. Isn’t that what Tuesdays are for?)

I’ve adhered to many of these rules for a while now, and I figured they were common knowledge. But the more I travel, the more I realize that they most certainly aren’t. So please forgive the obviousness of some of these edicts, but they must be stated. And with that, I give you the Ten Commandments of Air Travel:

  1. Thou shalt do all thou can to hold in thou’s farts. If thou really can’t contain thine own flatulence, thou canst either get up and release it in the bathroom, or at the very least turn on thy little overhead fan thingy.
  2. When other people are trying to sleep, and thou has a window seat, thy little plastic curtain shalt be lowered so that the blinding light of the sun does not shine directly in the faces of other passengers.

    Thou should not do as this man hath done.

  3. Thou should store only one bag directly above in the overhead compartment, and the other bag should be placed underneath the seat in front of thou. I’m sorry if that gets in the way of thine legroom, but those are the rules. Thou should have thought about that before lugging all of thine crap onto the plane as carry-on luggage.
  4. Thou shalt be forgiving and patient with crying babies, for they are in pain and in need of sympathy. (Thou can totally feel free to get angry at any of the following: bratty children who art old enough to know better, drunken frat boys, and anyone who speaketh so loudly, they can be heard from more than three rows away).
  5. Thou shalt not bring really stinky food onto the plane, if thou can help it. I understand that thou is hungry, but that stuff is going to stink up the cabin for the next three hours. Seriously. I don’t know how thou can eat that stuff.

    Thy food is odoriferous.

  6. Flight attendants are not thine own personal slaves. They should be treated with respect and kindness because they work really damn hard and don’t need thou giving them a hard time or hitting on them.
  7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s arm rest. Unless, of course, thou is seated in the unholy and accursed middle seat, at which point thou gets to use both armrests, because that’s only fair.

    Also, thou should keep thy unkempt toes to thyself.

  8. If thou hast an aisle seat, thou shalt get up without complaint when others in thine row need to pee.
  9. Thou should really be able to lift thine carry-on into the overhead compartment by thyself. If thou really needs help with that sort of thing, perhaps thou should have packed more lightly.
  10. Thou shalt not kill.

Leave a Comment

More from The Blog

On Instagram @theeverywhereist

  • Thinking I just need to make all of @alisoneroman's recipes and write about it, Julie & Julia style.
  • When your friend catches you going full Lady and the Tramp with your beloved over a noodle.
  • Latkes with dill and shallots, topped with creme fraiche plus salmon roe. Merry Chrismukkah to all.
  • Okay, I'll admit: I really like how these came out. I need to get more adventurous with glazes, but I'm so digging this shape.
  • A sneak peek at the photoshoot that @hayleyyoungshotme did this morning at @majesticbaytheatres. We're going to be featured in an issue of Seattle Magazine early next year - about Seattle couples. Super excited. Details and more of shots of amazing hair as we get closer to the publication date.
  • Couldn't see what the barber was doing, but when he said "You want a design?" I replied, "HELL YES" and this happened. I'm delighted with the results.
  • Happy Halloween from the Joker and Harley Quinn, and to hell with the misogynistic manbabies out there.
  • First photo ever tagged of us on Facebook. Circa 12 years ago. Can we talk about how I've aged like an overripe piece of fruit left in the sun, but @randderuiter has only gotten hotter?
  • I call this look "I just ate a whole bunch of Violet Crumble and now I'm about to fall asleep from the sugar crash."
  • New personal slogan.

All Over The Place

Buy my book and I promise I'll never ask you for anything again.

BE AWESOME. BUY IT.