I spent the weekend in L.A.

After 48 hours or so, I was run out of town by an impeccably-dressed, gorgeous mob with chiseled abs, all screaming in unison: “DEATH TO THE SQUISHY MORTAL.”

Okay, fine. I’m exaggerating.

They actually said, “LASER HAIR REMOVAL AND NO MORE DESSERT TO THE SQUISHY MORTAL.”

Which is way worse, I’m sure you’ll agree.

But hey, a vicious mob is a great way to meet new people.

“You wield a torch like a pro!” or “OMG, that pitchfork matches your earrings!” are good ice breakers.

So is talking about your spouse. He came up several times, and one or two folks were absolutely tickled when they heard that he was a tech CEO in Seattle.

“So, is he Christian Grey?” asked one Los Angeleno. Cue laughter from the crowd.

This is what I’m now up against when I travel. People find out I’m a Seattle native, and that Rand owns a small tech company, and they immediately mention 50 Shades of Grey - the new erotic novel by British author E.L. James that happens to take place in my hometown. I haven’t read the book, and I know how the adage goes, but here I am, judging it by its cover (and its reviews. And the impression it’s left on my friends).

Apparently the lead character, a young, virginal, awkward woman by the name of Anastasia Steele (Sigh. Really?), falls madly in love with Christian Grey, a 26-year-old, fluent-in-French, gorgeous billionaire tech-mogul with a penchant for BDSM.

Forgive me, but everything I’ve heard makes it sound absolutely ridiculous. And while it’s topping everyone’s summer reading lists, I won’t be touching it.

Here are my 50 reasons why:

  1. It started as Twilight fan fiction. Yes, really. For the record, this should never, ever be the inspiration for a book. “I ate a really good sandwich” would be better. Even “I was so moved by the collected works of the cast of The Jersey Shore I decided to put in it words” is more acceptable. “I read Twilight and wanted to make an erotic version of it” is not.
    -
  2. It’s about 20-somethings in the Northwest, but apparently the protagonist talks like this: “I want you very badly, especially now, when you’re biting your lip again.” NO 20-SOMETHING IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST HAS EVER UTTERED A PHRASE EVEN REMOTELY LIKE THAT WHEN COURTING SOMEONE ELSE.
    -
  3. The author doesn’t know what “subconscious” means.
  4. I never finished reading The Great Gatsby.
    -
  5. Not even Paul Allen flies around in a helicopter. It’s dangerous and impractical, and probably invalidates your life insurance. Private jets leaving from Boeing Field are way more “in.”
    -
  6. If I want a really good love story that features bondage, I’ll just watch Secretary.
    -
  7. I can’t actually stress this enough: you cannot sign over your sexual rights via a legal contract. No lawyer in their effing mind would draft that up, and no judge would even consider enforcing it.
    -
  8. I don’t get it: is she is employee or his girlfriend?
    -
  9. If she were really smart, she’d have asked for stock.
    -
  10. I’m willing to bet that no Seattlite has a”Red Room of Pain.” It’s the Northwest. We’re cold and tired and prone to silly dreams. We have “Dingy Basements Where We Grow Pot” and “Garages Where One Day We’re Going to Rehearse With Our Band” and, if we’re lucky, “Kitchens That Smell Like Pie.”

    No, that wasn't a euphemism. I really meant pie.

    -

  11. This book is about Americans and is set in America, yet it’s peppered with Britishisms. Like “rucksack” and “smartly dressed” and “ringing” someone up on the phone. I can only hope “spotted dick” was included, too.
    -
  12. Explain to me how someone’s eyes can be “smoldering embers”. Without sounding stupid.
    -
  13. Apparently one book ends and the other
  14. just starts and there’s no real transition between them.
    -
  15. The female protagonist says “Holy cow!” 84 times throughout the trilogy. Which, you know, is an expression 20-somethings often use. (Also, this Amazon review has compiled other phrases that are overused in the book. It is delightful.)
    -
  16. I bet not even this Christian Grey fellow can get into the secret room above Tavern Law.
    -
  17. Seattle CEOs do not ask their assistants/girlfriends/sex-slaves to make them sandwiches. When they are hungry, they go to Wild Ginger, which apparently they all collectively own.
    -
  18. I have to do laundry.
    -
  19. Apparently the author “borrows” certain scenes – like ordering everything off the hotel room service menu – from Pretty Woman. Which, lest you’ve forgotten, IS A TERRIBLE MOVIE.
    -
  20. I still have to catch up on Sherlock.

    I knew this photo would come in handy someday.

    -

  21. I’m worried it will make me regret being literate.
    -
  22. No self-respecting tech mogul in Seattle would buy a woman an Apple computer.
    -
  23. On that note, why is she a college student without a computer? How does that even happen?
    -
  24. One day I want to hang out with Joss Whedon, Dan Harmon, and Tina Fey, and I don’t want to preemptively lose their respect.
    -
  25. Stupid stories stay with me far longer than good ones. I’m afraid that, like Raising Helen, this book will haunt my dreams.
    -
  26. Because when you think about it, life is really short.
    -
  27. Where do they find the time to have all this sex (and not-sex)? It’s been my personal experience that Seattle entrepreneurs are really busy.
    -
  28. I’m really, really sick of female protagonists who are virgins, waiting to give it up to the perfect guy. Why can’t the heroine be a self-actualized, sexually-active 20-something who decided to get it on with a guy who later turned out to be perfect? I mean, hypothetically speaking. -
  29. I already have enough things I’ll need to confess to on my deathbed. Having read this book should not be one of them.
    -
  30. Someone’s mouth cannot “quirk up”. That is not a thing.
    -
  31. Seattle entrepreneurs don’t own ties. Certainly not enough to have a tie-bondage sexfest.
    -
  32. I don’t think loving a person means you should want to change them.
    -
  33. Twilight-author Stephanie Meyer has refused to read it. And it’s not like that woman is a literary snob.
    -
  34. I have a sneaking suspicion the two leads are gonna get hitched. What are the odds they actually include a chapter about prenups? I mean there’s fiction, and then there’s fantasy.

    No it ain't.

    -

  35. Billionaires aren’t in their 20s. And if they are, they aren’t single. Or drop-dead gorgeous. Instead, they’re stressed-out and sleep-deprived and have terrible diets.
    -
  36. It actually contains this line: “My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils.” In the author’s defense, that is comedic gold. Unfortunately, the book is not supposed to be comedic.
    -
  37. The book is set in both Seattle and Vancouver. The author has never been to Seattle. Or Vancouver.

    New rule: you have to visit this town at least once before setting a novel here.

    -

  38. James originally wrote under the pen name ”Snowqueens Icedragon.” (Actually, the more I think about it, Snowqueens Icedragon is kind of an awesome name. I might have actually read the book if it had been released by Ms. Icedragon.)
    -
  39. I’d be way more interested if he was the submissive.
    -

    Pinchy pinchy.

    -

  40. He says she can’t snack between meals? DEALBREAKER.

    You can't simultaneously love someone and tell them they can't have snacks.

    -

  41. I cannot imagine his board of directors would be cool with any of his behavior.
    -
  42. If he were really a tech entrepreneur, there would be a lot more freaking out about servers and code and metrics and budgets, and far fewer nipple clamps.
    -
  43. Why does preferring a BDSM lifestyle automatically necessitate that you had to have a fucked-up childhood?
    -
  44. I lost enough credibility when I read The Hunger Games trilogy. In like, two days. And loved it.
    -
  45. I’m a weensy bit jealous of the author’s success. #thereIsaidit
    -
  46. I’m scared I might like it a little.
    -
  47. Like Twilight‘s Bella, the female protagonist is constantly tripping on things, which is apparently sexy. And, you know, notthe sign of a serious inner ear condition that needs medical attention.

    Me, December 2001, in the hallway of Rand's apartment. I was clearly trying to seduce him.

    -

  48. Because Seattle deserves better.
    -
  49. Because erotic fiction really deserves better.
    -
  50. Because if I really want a good love story about an adorably disheveled Seattle CEO and the absolute mess of a woman that he loves, I need look no further than my own life. You just need to swap out the whips and chains and ball gags and violent sex for cupcakes and cuddling on the couch.

And here’s the one reason why I might read it:

  1. It sounds hilarious.

-

Weigh in, kids. What do you think? The comments are open.

Full list of categories:  Random Musings » Rants and Raves » Top Ten
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Comments (228)

  1. 05. Jun, 2012 / CatCatAttack:

    Thank you. Now I can just point to your list the next time someone tells me I should totally read it.
    And I’m offended by the “mommy porn” label. If it’s written for women over 30 (who are all mommies?), it should have a hint of taste to it, and not in a Jane Eyre’s vagina monologues kind of way.

    [Reply]

    Denise Reply:

    I seriously can’t believe that this is a real book. I didn’t even know it was a book until I saw it on the cover of the NY Post (and that’s saying somethin’). This list is hysterical! The book sounds like a sensationalized, un-researched, ridicu-fest of pop culture referencing itself in a mock fantasy that is not steeped in anything intellectual or even appealing. It sounds appalling, not for it’s perceived sexual naughtiness but for 40 years of a women’s movement and this is where we wind f*cking up? Our supposed idea of “freedom” is the ability to be beguiled by some rich control freak? F*ck off!

    [Reply]

  2. 05. Jun, 2012 / Christina:

    YES.

    My goodness, yes. Everyone seems to be pushing this as literary gold. This is not going to be classic literature.

    My biggest gripe is that so many girls I hear talking about it, have at one point said that if their significant other looked at porn it would make them feel insecure and as if he had cheated. That they do not “allow” porn in their relationship.

    That’s all fine and dandy if that is how you want to run your life and relationships. But don’t be a hypocrite about it. This is pornography. This is material designed to elicit a sexual response. Just because it is written and not photographic, doesn’t make it less pornographic.

    [Reply]

    Silver Reply:

    I have to agree. Many women will tell their boyfriends or significant others that they should not read or watch pornographic material, but will then turn around and read “romance novels.” Don’t get me wrong, some are actually that, but others can be just as smutty as regular porn. And personally, I think it to be worse. If there is a story, a fantasy beyond simple sex can form. It’s kind of like a roleplaying game – the reader creates an image of the story in their mind, substituting themself for the main character in this fantasy. They can play out the events in their mind, creating a whole seperate life in their subconscious. So instead of a quick and uninvolved encounter that porn would create as it’s form of “cheating,” the reader ends up subconciously leading a double life. Maybe it’s just me being male, but that comes off as a worse offense.

    But who knows, I’m reading this at 3:30 am.

    [Reply]

    ESERU Reply:

    Oh God…I don’t even know where to start… 50 shades of grey is just a full of sh*t. All of my classmates are girls and they (kind of) despise me ’cause I’m into things that they find weird. (I like gore, anime, war etc) I love to give dirty jokes on them and they’re always like “eeeew” “yuck” and like wtf?!?! Sorry, can’t help it, just being me..then that 50 shades of shit happened. One of my classmate finished that book and recommended it to everyone else then all of them suddenly became diehardfans of that book. I don’t really care cuz everybody has their right to do whatever the fvck they want but it’s getting annoying that everyday I hear all of them squeal and squirm for that book when in the first place, THEY HATE THAT KIND OF THING. Up to the point that they’re like soo proud of it and they feel like they’re so green minded and baad and cool because they know things like that(oh for heaven’s sake), they start to create dirty jokes, which are a BIG FAIL, but still, they;re so proud and I’m just WTF?!?!?! I’ve had it with all those hypocrites so I told them “Oh c’mon…i’ve read better stories. that’s just like porn/” And they went berserk. They all attacked me with “NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS IS NOT PORN!!! THIS IS A LOVE STORY NOT ABOUT SEX!! CHRISTIAN GREY IS SOO HOT ANASTASIA IS SOO LUCKY NOT PORN BUT LOVE!!!! LOOOOVVVEE!!!!” And I have to deal with them every fvcking day..fvck. fvcking hypocrites.

    By the way, I’m also a female. -_-

    [Reply]

    SL Reply:

    It IS porn. That is the only reason this book is succesful; because it is making porn ok for women to read. Which is great….but don’t we, as females, deserve something better than this?

    [Reply]

    dreamscreation Reply:

    I agree; I think women deserve better. I wrote a blog post recently where I delve into some of the issues I have with the book, and I linked to this post as well.

    http://doubleteamcj.blogspot.com/2012/07/fifty-shades-of-fucked-upyeah-that.html

    [Reply]

    Olivia Reply:

    Pfft-! Just check fictionpress or fanfiction; I’ve read (hell, I’ve written) better porn than this crap.

    It’s amazing what people will publish and choose over something else to read.

    pat Reply:

    Totally agree with you. And most of the time BDSP is but patriarchy in the bed room.

    [Reply]

  3. 05. Jun, 2012 / Suchitra:

    this made me smile! i am always on the lookout for good books recommended by others. have recently joined goodreads and enjoying the experience. i will definitely post a link there. this is comedic gold!!using ur own words!

    [Reply]

    Elcovia Reply:

    i haven’t read this book that everyone is talking about and I wouldn’t either it’s not my cup of tea. Being as your looking out for good books to read why not try this one Destiny by kerrine Peck

    [Reply]

  4. 05. Jun, 2012 / Iris:

    Oh, this post is soooo good! I’ve had friends constantly waving the book under my nose, so I finally gave in and gave it a try. I could not make it past the fourth chapter. In fact, realizing that I made it that far makes me want to jump off the Space Needle. For shame, for shame.

    [Reply]

  5. 05. Jun, 2012 / Deanna:

    My dear, I have read the ENTIRE trilogy. It is so bad. You can’t fathom how hilariously horrible it is just from the reviews. I think you need to do one of the following:

    a) Do NOT read it and thus you can mock me extensively during our next visit

    OR

    b) DO read it, and during our next visit we will create “50 Shades of Grey…Goose: The Drinking Game!”

    Drink for subconscious.

    [Reply]

    Zimzi Reply:

    I think I like this game. Drink every time she says “inner goddess” or whenever there’s an incorrect cliche about BDSM!

    [Reply]

    notfiftycents Reply:

    I love the drinking game idea! Also drink every time “smart” is used in the book. What American says “smart” like it’s used in the book? (ea)

    [Reply]

  6. 05. Jun, 2012 / Jennifer Daly:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this hilarious list. I refused to read these books as well but my reasons were certainly not so perfectly elucidated. “It sounds tacky,” was sort of lame and not very defensible.

    I have been reading your blog for a while and while I virtually always agree with your assessments on pop culture, I wasn’t moved to comment until I read your statement that Pretty Woman was a horrible movie…wasn’t it though? It’s that kind of movie and these kind of books that I assidously avoid but always feel like a bit of a snob. If Seattle and Cincinnati were a wee bit closer we could hang out and discuss.

    [Reply]

    Sonia Reply:

    Same here (re your 1st paragraph).

    My two best friends have read it and tell me NOT to read it because it is so so bad. One of them loves Twilight too! The other (and I) do not.

    You had me from “I haven’t read the book, and I know how the adage goes, but here I am, judging it by its cover (and its reviews. And the impression it’s left on my friends).”

    Just because it’s a best seller does not mean it is a good book! And I am proud to judge it by its cover, I’m not going anywhere near that piece of shit.

    [Reply]

  7. 05. Jun, 2012 / Joy:

    There is not a single sentence here that I don’t agree with. The thing that annoys me the most is the fact that it is fan fiction based off of Twilight. Really?!? That one really put the nail in the coffin.

    And I too already lost enough credibility over reading Hunger Games and loving it. The madness must stop somewhere.

    [Reply]

  8. 05. Jun, 2012 / Christie:

    1. Your posts are my respite from medical school studies, so thank you for that.

    2. This may be my favorite post to date. I particularly enjoy 22, 33, and 40. I no longer feel badly or behind or ‘not a part of my generation’ for resisting the surge of popularity that is propelling this book forward. I now have to deal with my mother asking me questions like, “Oh Christie, I heard about this book series from my bank teller, do you think I would like them?” (a question whose answer I would prefer not to know…)

    3. Keep up the fabulous work, and don’t forget to take a snack break. I recommend unicorn poop cookies.

    [Reply]

  9. 05. Jun, 2012 / ilse:

    You are a very funny woman and I hope your blog will become a bestseller.
    This is possibly the most hilarious piece of LitCrit I have read. Ever.

    [Reply]

  10. 05. Jun, 2012 / Laurel:

    Amen! I admit, I started reading it and got about a third of the way through. Then I put it down and haven’t gone back in over a week. Happy that I still have good judgment when it comes to books and don’t just jump on a bandwagon. Wish I could return Kindle purchases . . .

    [Reply]

    Anna Reply:

    You can return kindle purchases! Just look it up in the kindle FAQ on Amazon’s website.

    [Reply]

    pat Reply:

    lol bandwagon seldom lead to something really interesting.

    [Reply]

  11. 05. Jun, 2012 / Kristi:

    haha! You are hilarious! The book is good though. It’s crackalicious and now you really HAVE to read the book, if only to report back the 50 ways the book confirmed your suspicions.

    Or you should go read 50 Shames of Earl Grey.

    [Reply]

  12. 05. Jun, 2012 / Amie McCracken:

    Exactly. Oh, and the editor in me (which is all of me) simply can’t stand it.

    [Reply]

    Katie Reply:

    I’m right with you! I was cringing at a lot of the syntax and, if I hadn’t gotten the Kindle version, I would have been “red-penning it up” (which is probably a phrase E.L. James might use).

    [Reply]

  13. 05. Jun, 2012 / Jo:

    This is hilarious and comforting . I downloaded the book yesterday to what the fuss is all about and I just could not get hooked very unlike me..and was wondering if I am the only one not going ga ga about it .

    [Reply]

    Yvonne Reply:

    Here I thought I was the only one who just couldn’t get into it. I also put the book down about 140 pages in. I’ve been an avid reader since I learned to read and very rarely will put a book down before I finish it, but this book made me not want to read at night knowing that’s the book I had to read. So I, along with the rest of you jumped off the band wagon. I’m no prude by any means but it just didn’t hook me at all. It was very unrealistic. Thank you for your blog!!!

    [Reply]

  14. You have some very valid points. I am almost through with the first book and love it. I loved Hunger Games too. Damn. I really have no credibility ;)

    [Reply]

  15. 05. Jun, 2012 / Glory Gray:

    THANK YOU for validating my feelings! (And for destroying my wardrobe with spit coffee this morning from laughing.)
    I had a fit of apoplexy when a member of my book club suggested we read it. She had no idea what it was about, she just figured it must be good if it’s this popular. I am convinced this is how normally sane people end up watching “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

    [Reply]

  16. 05. Jun, 2012 / Erica:

    I didn’t understand many of the references you used, especially in reference to any quotes from the book. For this, I am thankful.

    I’m glad that someone else has a distaste for authors randomly setting TERRIBLE books in & around Seattle, my quaint and perfect little hometown, which I love. It’s kind of like watching a mid-aged, highlights-are-so-blonde-they-are-nearing-gray, had-way-too-many-vodka-shots-at-8am woman throwing unboiled easter eggs dipped in sulfur at my house.

    [Reply]

  17. 05. Jun, 2012 / Jashshea:

    Don’t read it. You won’t miss a single thing and your life will be better for it. The characters have less depth than those in Twilight and it’s possibly LESS well written than Twilight.

    But, whatever, The Hunger Games is awesome. The trilogy is fine, but that first book is the shit.

    [Reply]

  18. 05. Jun, 2012 / Lauren C.:

    I love this! Also, you should add a 51st item: You have to buy a kindle to read the book because reading it in public is the equivalent of watching porn on your laptop in a coffee shop.

    I read the first 100 pages or so. Basically through the first sex scene. Perhaps it’s my A-type personality or being a writer, but her lack of creativity and lack of variation of adjectives made it impossible for me to “get into it.” I would give it to a friend, but that just seems mean.

    [Reply]

  19. 05. Jun, 2012 / Sandee Harned:

    I am ashamed to say, I caved in to the hype. I am now dumber because of it, and trust me when I say I do not have I.Q. points to spare. What’s worse, is that I was making fun of the book last week during a family dinner and my 75 year old father in law admitted he was also reading the book! What? I actually had to mutter the sentence “I’m sorry Jerry, but I cannot discuss erotic fiction with you.” This book needs to go away. We’ve reached a saturation point. http://motherhoodisbeautiful.com/?p=1652

    [Reply]

  20. 05. Jun, 2012 / Colleen:

    My mom and sixteen year old sister have read these books, and I told my mom when she did that I would lose an itty-bitty amount of respect for her. They both also liked the books a lot. I couldn’t get through the samples on my Kindle because Christian is such a jerk. I have read Twilight fanfic before, as well as the novelized versions of it and it’s sequel and found them incredibly lacking. I heard Stephenie Meyer was going to either produce or screenwrite the film versions. Maybe these books are too much for her delicate sensibilities, since her characters had implied sex in the ridiculous final book of the “Twilight Saga”.

    [Reply]

  21. 05. Jun, 2012 / Dan:

    Re: #11 – Americans using Britishisms.

    I think the author might have actually nailed this one by setting it in Seattle. I’ve come across a number of people who were born, raised, and educated in the U.S., and currently reside in Seattle, and yet I have caught them saying things like “lift” for elevator and “flat” for apartment, and adding all kinds of extra vowels to words that don’t need them. Now, I would NEVER accuse a fellow Seattleite of being pretentious, but I do believe they think this makes them sound sophisticated and worldly. I just think it makes them sound like Madonna.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    I call shenanigans. I’m from Seattle, and you’ve never heard me complain that your apartment didn’t have a lift. Right?! Please say I’ve never done that, or I’ll curl up in a ball and die of shame.

    [Reply]

    Dan Reply:

    No. Never. And I would never accuse you of such a thing. And even if this were you, it would be forgivable given that you actually venture outside of the city once in a while.

    [Reply]

    Sarah Reply:

    Could just be Canadians – they’re heavily influenced by the British. All that God-Save-the-Queen bullshit.

    I grew up in Washington and have since moved to Canada, as a result my language is terribly confused. That said, I don’t use words like ‘lift’ or ‘flat’ because that just makes you look like a pretentious asshole. But then, who knows – maybe the next step in my life journey is to move back to Washington so people can see me add an extra ‘o’ or ‘u’ where they don’t belong. :)

  22. 05. Jun, 2012 / Stef:

    #24 is enough reason for me. Everything I heard/read about “Twilight” convinced me that a Joss Whedon devotee could never be happy with this vampire story. “50 Shades of Grey” having started as “Twilight” fan fiction was enough to keep me away from that series, and everything I’ve heard about it – which now includes your awesome and hilarious list! – has convinced me it’s not to my taste.

    I love your blog, your writing is so honest and funny – keep up the good work!

    [Reply]

    Liza180 Reply:

    I’m a HUGE Buffy/Joss Whedon fan and I always said Stephanie Myer just watched the second season of Buffy and decided to write a novel based on vampires. Everyone seems to think its soooo original, but really, it was so done before through Buffy/Angel. THis stupid book is 10 times worse than Twilight.

    [Reply]

    Sonia Reply:

    Could not agree more!

    [Reply]

    Ashes Reply:

    I agree, i am a huge Buffy and Joss Whedon fan. That man can tell a good story! It might not always end happily, ( actually most times it doesn’t) but you’re always gonna get some interesting characters and witty puns.

    I actually write Buffy fanfiction, a friend of mine who writes twilight fanfiction ( i’m still trying to convince her to switch) sent me the original fanfiction version of this book. It’s called ‘Master of the Universe”

    I was insanely curious about why this was so popular, so i read it. Yep. And now i’m regretting it. The only good thing is that i can now tell people just how bad it is, and i KNOW how bad it is. LOL

    [Reply]

  23. 05. Jun, 2012 / Trish:

    I should have starting painting awhile ago but here I sit, wiping tears of belly laughter from my eyes and wondering who I need to send this URL. Thanks for the smiles (and the procrastination fodder).

    [Reply]

  24. 05. Jun, 2012 / Andi:

    I admit it, I’m starting the third book. I know it’s bad yet I still want to finish it. I hate Twilight though I did know 50 Shades is based off of a fanfic. And I thought the same thing, who lives in Seattle, is 21 years old and graduating college, and does not own a computer? How is that possible?

    [Reply]

  25. 05. Jun, 2012 / Maire:

    I admit it. It’s on my Kobo. It’s hilarious, if for no other reasons than:

    1. I’m Canadian, and while our own language is a mishmash of American and parts of UK English, I find the language funny.
    2. I don’t know anyone in their 20s who talk or act like them. Maybe it’s because I’m getting closer to 40, but the “young people” I know these days simply don’t enunciate quite so properly.
    3. I can pick it up, read until I’ve had enough, put it down, and go right back to what I was doing without it impacting on my life, even to the point of barely interrupting anything else I’m currently reading. It’s utterly forgettable! Someone put a temporary SEB field around the file.
    4. I’ve never been to Seattle, and it’s obvious the author hasn’t either.
    5. I never read Twilight (refuse to), and now have an ongoing dread whenever I read 50 Shades that someone will spontaneously start to sparkle.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Your #3 point made me snort. :)

    [Reply]

  26. 05. Jun, 2012 / Vanessa Fox:

    Don’t worry. You won’t like it even a little.

    [Reply]

  27. 05. Jun, 2012 / Shelagh:

    All completely valid points. I read the books to see what the fuss was about and I was absoultley bored a few chapters in. The writing is terrible, much like Twilight, and clearly has signs of an over used thesaurus. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the word “mercurial” used so much in one place. I was sure by the end of it the twist would be that Christian was no longer attracted to Anna because she had chewed her lip off… or at least that was the impression I got since her biting her lip was mentioned every few paragraphs. Basically, the trilogy is a poorly written Nora Roberts story extended over 3 books with some BDSM added in. Absolutely terrible!

    [Reply]

  28. 05. Jun, 2012 / Mark:

    I have 5 random things to say.

    1. I have been to Seattle
    2. I have been to Vancouver
    3. I like to read good books
    4. I will not be reading this book
    5. I think I want to eat a cupcake right now

    [Reply]

  29. 05. Jun, 2012 / Meg B:

    I knew we were imaginary BFF’s for a reason! I HATE the idea of this book for your first reason up there. Seriously, I’d rather read some Buffy fanfic. And it drives me nuts that people are so excited about this crap. There are authors who actually write real erotica, I should say really good erotica, who don’t get this kind of attention. Lame.

    [Reply]

    Ashes Reply:

    The erotica in the Buffy fanfic is of a much better quality, they actually have plot and characterization! ;D

    [Reply]

  30. 05. Jun, 2012 / Philip:

    I don’t know what it says about me that I have not even heard of this so-called “book”, but I get the impression your exhaustive list of reasons to avoid it (or read it right now!) is better than it deserves.

    [Reply]

    Liza180 Reply:

    Can I go join you under that rock, please? If anything, just to get away from this book and everyone who loves it.

    [Reply]

  31. 05. Jun, 2012 / Bridge:

    Thank you for this list. My mother and sister have not stopped hounding me about reading this for the past month. I have an degree in English from The University of Texas and studied with the then-chair of the English department. And like you, I also secretly love The Hunger Games. And if you ever get to meet Joss, I think you’ll be happy in your decision to avoid this trilogy!

    [Reply]

  32. 05. Jun, 2012 / Bridge:

    Oh how embarrassing – I edited my post and left a grammatical error. For shame!

    [Reply]

  33. 05. Jun, 2012 / Lana:

    You seem to know a lot about the book considering you’ve never read it!

    [Reply]

    zam Reply:

    Couldnt agree more with this comment.
    i respect everyones opinion
    but I LOVE THE BOOKS!

    [Reply]

  34. 05. Jun, 2012 / RubySongbird:

    It just LOOKS terrible, and from everything I have heard about it, I will not be buying that one. I had no idea it started out as Twilight fan fiction… that makes it so much worse!!
    I did read the Hunger Games, though, and loved them!

    [Reply]

  35. 05. Jun, 2012 / Gigi:

    Ugh. It started as Twilight fan fiction? I already wasn’t going to read it, but that seals the deal. I think all you needed was reason one.

    [Reply]

  36. 05. Jun, 2012 / Mike Arnesen:

    This is the best thing I’ve read in (at least) the last 30 days, and I really like Rand’s blog posts and Whiteboard Fridays. That’s saying a lot. ;-)

    [Reply]

  37. 05. Jun, 2012 / Janet T:

    Yes, I read the series, didn’t find it all that exciting (pun or no pun your choice), began just skipping huge sections of the sex scenes, because after the first one or two, they were all pretty much the same.
    I find that books with perfect, rich, beautiful characters are as annoying as the television shows with the same perfect, rich, beautiful characters. Shows that I avoid.
    I just began reading “Let’s pretend this never happened” (a mostly true memoir) and cannot stop laughing. I prefer this type of book, although reading while laughing uncontrollably is difficult at best, and hard to explain to those around me.

    [Reply]

  38. 05. Jun, 2012 / Cecily:

    13./14. = coffee coming out of my nose. I forgive you.

    [Reply]

  39. 05. Jun, 2012 / Mackenzie Fogelson:

    I just think it’s good that you make snacks a priority. Everyone needs snacks.

    [Reply]

  40. 05. Jun, 2012 / Jessica:

    So you were in L.A. did you have a chance to stop by the Aroma Cafe in Studio City?

    [Reply]

  41. 05. Jun, 2012 / Laura:

    Are you sure about #2? Oh wait…that was high school.

    [Reply]

  42. 05. Jun, 2012 / Theresa:

    Love your blog – Love this post!!

    [Reply]

  43. 05. Jun, 2012 / Betsy:

    I needed this. Over tried for over a month now to get to anything resembling a “good part” of this book. It can’t be done! You want to THINK it’s funny (I tried). It isn’t. Not. Even. Close. I almost DO regret knowing how to read. Seriously, it’s a waste if time, and not in a good way. Even eating cupcakes while reading it couldn’t salvage this one.

    [Reply]

  44. 05. Jun, 2012 / Andy:

    SOOOO FUNNY!! Thank you.

    One small typo, on point 8 you mean to say “is she his” not “is she is” (this is why I have so few friends)

    [Reply]

  45. 05. Jun, 2012 / Allison:

    Just finished the 3rd book minutes ago (I was so relieved to be done) and then stumbled on your post – how timely. The books are horrible, but I forced myself to finish because I am travelling and had them. #23 was one of the most annoying oversights. The writing is terrible but who thinks a college person doesn’t have a computer!?! Especially one with a job. Also, I don’t think it was mentioned that the main charachter’s best friend falls in love with Grey’s brother, then the best friend’s brother gets with Grey’s sister. Come on!

    I’d say don’t read – you’ll just be more annoyed.

    [Reply]

  46. 05. Jun, 2012 / Christina C:

    OMG, you nailed it, ugh, literally, wait, figuratively??? Ok, something got nailed. I hesitate to admit that I read the first book, yes, I listened to the hype. I can say after reading the first book, I laughed my ass off and agree with pretty much everything you have written.

    What gets me, is I see all these people I can hardly remember from highschool that I’m facebook friends with, posting how awesome the books are. The best part, all their previous posts are about how bad Obama is for the country and we need to focus on family values, and abstinence, blah, blah, blah. Now listen, I’m not saying BDSM sex is bad, to each is own, but I love that a 40 yr old uptight republican is shouting in all caps that they finished the shades of grey books and loved it.

    I guess everyone wants a little spanky spanky.

    [Reply]

    Jeanette Reply:

    heehee!

    [Reply]

    Liza180 Reply:

    Eh, I’m republican and hated the book. Horrible writing and I thought the sex was actually boring. Not all of us are uptight. ;)

    [Reply]

    Rachel Reply:

    This! The only person I’ve seen on FB who mentioned how good it was is also an Obama-hater I haven’t seen since high school. I wonder at exactly what point these two things converge.

    [Reply]

    Holly Reply:

    Your not alone, I’ve seen someone defend it with an army.

    [Reply]

  47. 05. Jun, 2012 / Gina:

    Hehehe, I actually don’t know much about this book besides the obvious and it sounds hilarious! Loved #24 and #40. Thanks for the laugh. :)

    [Reply]

  48. 05. Jun, 2012 / CheezyK:

    Thank you! I’ve been wondering what all the hype was about but hesitant to even pick a book up to read the back cover … now I don’t have to, there are far too many books out there waiting to be read for me to waste my time with these ones! (Sherlock will be a much, much better use of your time … and I’d really like to hear what you have to say once you’ve seen them … :) )

    [Reply]

  49. 05. Jun, 2012 / Jeanette:

    i refused to read twilight and 50 shades and instead am reading the gathering storm by winston churchill and middlemarch by george eliot in protest to such crap being thrown at women!

    [Reply]

  50. 05. Jun, 2012 / Mel Carson:

    What is this “book” thing you’re talking about? Methought they’d transmorphed into iKindles, Granites and Pills?

    [Reply]

  51. 05. Jun, 2012 / Kristen:

    I just started reading the series, like everyone else to find out what all the fuss was about. I couldn’t agree more with your reasons, they are hilarious!

    But you forgot to add another reason. The author references her medulla oblongota repeatedly in the most annoying manner. Seriously, who does that?!

    Although I will shamefully admit I will continue to read the series because I like cheesy chick lit =D

    [Reply]

  52. 05. Jun, 2012 / Candice:

    Aw shit, now I can’t decide whether I want to read it or not. SO TORN. I THINK NOT BUT STILL.

    [Reply]

  53. 05. Jun, 2012 / Amanda:

    You are totally 110% correct. I know because I read the book and loved/hated/laughed my way through it. It’s hilarious. It’s badly written. The plot (wait, what plot???)…unfairly characterizes CEO’s, BDSM, ties, awkwardness (underrated feature!), and desperately holding onto virginity far longer than necessary. :-) So shameful (not because of the sex, but because of the QUALITY) and yet hilarious. I should just go back to The Story of O…

    [Reply]

  54. 05. Jun, 2012 / Lisa | LLWorldTour:

    Hilarious. I need to start coming ’round here more often. Now I need to go finish this suck-tastic book. And I mean that in every sense of the word.

    [Reply]

  55. 05. Jun, 2012 / Bri:

    Ha! I love Sherlock! Not that I’m not completely ecstatic that you’re not reading those shenanigans, but I’m beside myself that others a nerdy enough to think that watching Benedict Cumberbatch is a highly worthy use of a Sunday night!

    [Reply]

  56. 05. Jun, 2012 / Mindy:

    Can I be honest with you, Geraldine? I have been living under a literary rock for several months now. So I heard that 50 Shades of Grey was Twilight fan fiction erotica. But I simply assumed that it was also elderly Twilight erotica. You know, like 50 shades of grey hair? And now that I know it’s young people getting it on and not geriatric tantric, I am definitely not going to to read it. Thanks for all the spoilers. Love you tons. xoxoxo.

    [Reply]

    Jen Reply:

    I thought it was about a dashing grey-haired gentleman. I’m glad I wasn’t alone.

    [Reply]

  57. 06. Jun, 2012 / Melissa:

    I will admit (despite my fear that Tina Fey is reading this, and that I will also lose her respect) that I’ve ready the books, and haven’t HATED them. I admit it. They’re like a trashy magazine that you read in bed while you’re sick. However, the writing IS really bad. I struggled with that. The author should have had some help there. I think most of the appeal is the idea of Christian Grey- as impossible as his character is. I’d like someone to fill my closet with designer clothing, minus the nipple clamps.

    Anyway, I’m waiting for someone to write about a well-written book about a unvirginized (is that a word?), headstrong female that kicks ass and takes names. I completely agree that the pathetic “I’m giving up everything for this bro” is very very overdone.

    [Reply]

  58. 06. Jun, 2012 / Darcy:

    You are very closed minded.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Darling, my mind is as open as my legs are.

    [Reply]

    Tara Reply:

    Laughing. Out. Loud.

    [Reply]

  59. 06. Jun, 2012 / Christee:

    Ok…I immediately wanted to be your best friend when I read the title to this blog. I was against reading this book mainly because I hate most fads but after reading your reasons I am suuure I dont want to read it lol. If you are looking for an interesting love story about successful 20 somethings I recommend “How to kill a rockstar” by Tiffanie DeBartolo

    [Reply]

  60. 06. Jun, 2012 / Cam:

    “If you take out the parts where the female character is blushing or chewing her lips, the book will be down to about 50 pages.” :)

    [Reply]

  61. 06. Jun, 2012 / Jessica:

    Hahaha this was such a fun read! I thought about doing a similar list, then realized just one reason was more than enough: “#1 = It started as Twilight fan fiction. Yes, really.” Done!

    [Reply]

  62. 06. Jun, 2012 / Tracey Workman:

    Thank you so much for writing this post! I listen to my co-workers talk about this book every day, and it gives me so much pride to know that I can still say I haven’t read it. Although I’m sure I still know just as much about it as someone who has. How much of a plot can really be included in this book, come on? Again, thanks for always keeping me laughing!

    [Reply]

  63. 06. Jun, 2012 / Charlotte:

    Hello cous,

    I accidentally “bought” the trilogy while learning to use my kindle..I had previously bought the entire series of Game of Thrones (which I love) and decided to take a break from Book 4 of GOT. SOOOO…I started with Book 1 of 50 SOG…needless to say…going to start book 5 of GOT soon…hope all is well with you and Rand!

    [Reply]

  64. 06. Jun, 2012 / Nick Sayers:

    I really haven’t laugh this much reading in a helluva long time. I think waiting for the movie will be way more entertaining than using the brain cells to read this… thing.

    [Reply]

    Michael Lundquist Reply:

    No way you’d watch this movie! You’d be with the Magic Mike crowd. This shit is so funny. I love watching the press & friends defend this crap. I played Dungeons & Dragons as a kid, but I now feel that makes me cool compared to anybody enjoying this stuff. I don’t mind people that read this, but if you want to have fun ask them why they read it & which things turned them on. They will flip like a guilty suspect for no reason. It’s kinda awesome!

    [Reply]

  65. 06. Jun, 2012 / Aislyn:

    Your blog makes my day, every day and this post was no exception. Thank you so much for always making me laugh– I pretty much want to be your best friend!

    [Reply]

  66. 06. Jun, 2012 / Ariel:

    THANK YOU! You are spot on. You are hysterical. And you are adorable. I feel I need to go sterilize my eyeballs for reading the first 100 pages. I will trust my better judgement next time!

    [Reply]

  67. 06. Jun, 2012 / Zye:

    Thank you for the heads up. I’ve been seeing this book everywhere on the web and have to admit, was getting curious about all the hoopla. It does sound like a hilarious read, though, if I’ll be able to make it past the first twenty pages without gagging.

    [Reply]

  68. 06. Jun, 2012 / Suzanne:

    I’m a librarian and I have a book blog (it’s not great, don’t go find it), so naturally everyone keeps asking me if I’ve read it. The answer is NO. Actually, it’s hell no, but I work with small children, so I try to keep the swear words to a minimum.
    The premise of the book doesn’t even sound all that great, and I LOVE smut books (Jennifer Cruise? Yes please). But the idea of a Brit writing smut/porn is just ridiculous. If he’d been Italian, maybe.
    Totally linking this post on my blog.

    [Reply]

  69. 06. Jun, 2012 / Melinda:

    I love this post!! Believe it or not, I just came across your blog after googling “how to get more visitors to my blog”. So glad this was one of the first things I read on your site, now I’ll be back for sure! My favorite point is #21 “I’m worried it will make me regret being literate.” That’s my biggest reason for not reading it! (Despite it having been consistently recommended to me by coworkers and roommates…I can’t believe this is a book people would actually RECOMMEND!)

    [Reply]

  70. 06. Jun, 2012 / Bridget:

    I have a friend who works for B&N and has said that it is pretty common for women to buy this book and a pack of D batteries. Gross.

    [Reply]

  71. 06. Jun, 2012 / Sammus:

    I’m currently reading the series and while I do like it I also enjoy your “50 reasons”

    [Reply]

  72. 07. Jun, 2012 / Emer C:

    Being a TWIT (teenage woman in her thirties) and having read two posts about this today I feel duty bound to read. Plus point – erotic fiction makes me laugh hysterically. When you think about it, and I try not to because if I did I’d never actually do it, bumping uglies (and dancing for that matter) is soooooo ridicolous………

    [Reply]

  73. 07. Jun, 2012 / Sierra:

    I am avoiding these books like the plaque…as I avoided Twilight..stand strong!!

    p.s. I agree about Secretary, I love that movie

    [Reply]

  74. 07. Jun, 2012 / Kathleen:

    Come on. Turn the statue around. One shade of grey.

    [Reply]

  75. 08. Jun, 2012 / Gregg:

    For Christ sake, this is a fictional story and it is popular because its about eroticism. Its not often that BDSM novels are written without fictitious vampires, werewolves, and whatever else non-human entity. Besides, based on her “50 Reason Why I Won’t Read 50 Shades of Grey” it seems to me that the joke is on those who believe her. I think she just pulled the wool over your eyes…she read 50 Shades of Grey and memorized many of the writings in order to write her fictional story. FOOD FOR THOUGHT

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Wait, there’s food somewhere? Is the food cupcakes?

    [Reply]

    mimi Reply:

    Your just to stupid that you support a book that romanticize domestic violence and unhealthy relationships. Your insecurity is obvious. I agree with the “50 reasons I won’t be reading 50 shades of shit”. I bet your older then me, and that makes it even worse. Now go think about what I said and get a cupcake. :3

    [Reply]

  76. 08. Jun, 2012 / Christina:

    Ha ha, love this list. Especially item #39. Amen. I am refusing this one too, I just can’t do it. Plus, if I want erotic fiction, there are enough vampire books to sort thru. Hunger Games, however, well worth it ;-)

    [Reply]

  77. 08. Jun, 2012 / Samantha:

    Wow. I am so in love with this blog. I just found it and I have been reading it for days. I sort of feel you on this book as well. It sounds ridiculous. I look forward to reading you however, for many years to come.

    [Reply]

  78. 10. Jun, 2012 / Susann:

    “My inner goodness is doing the dance of seven veils”, huh?

    What the hell does that even MEAN?

    The author’s inner literary style genius must have been doing the snore of the seven emptied barrels of Guinness. *facepalm

    [Reply]

  79. 11. Jun, 2012 / Karin:

    Dear Miz Everywhereist,

    (I’m from the South. We like our courtesy titles.)

    You are hilarious!!!

    THANK YOU.

    [Reply]

  80. 11. Jun, 2012 / Tamara:

    These are the 50 reasons I would like to take back my reading of these books. I must say these books are poorly written and quite possibly have made me dumber. But I came across this post and it says everything I have been trying to say to my friends.

    [Reply]

  81. 12. Jun, 2012 / The Intrepid French Learner:

    Hilarious! (Your list, but I think you’re right about the book.)

    But have you read this week’s NY Times Magazine? It includes an article about how the diet program Jenny Craig is now offered in France, with some modifications. French people don’t eat snacks, you know. It kind of dwells on that. So maybe the snacks rule relates to his fluency in French.

    [Reply]

  82. 12. Jun, 2012 / Margo:

    Hilarious! You had me at “Twilight fan fiction” I won’t be reading this either

    [Reply]

  83. 14. Jun, 2012 / Samantha:

    You have just gained a new reader. Thanks for the laugh.

    [Reply]

  84. 14. Jun, 2012 / Katet:

    Girl, DO NOT be embarrassed about loving Hunger Games. That shit was amazing. Meanwhile, I am just going to email this to anyone yammering about 50 Shades and how I HAVE to read it.

    [Reply]

  85. 14. Jun, 2012 / Thaylah:

    It’s not the worst book in the world. The grammar was terrible. I will totally admit that. It’s still not quite as awful as people have made it out to be though. I’m almost done with book one now and I’m going to finish the trilogy. I’ve always been intrigued by BDSM but there aren’t many books out there about it because it’s “taboo” … It’s really no different than harlequin romance novels. They don’t always have the best grammar and in the end its all about sex lol.

    [Reply]

  86. 14. Jun, 2012 / Pam:

    Seattle does deserve better. I really wish people would stop using my state for the setting of crappy books.

    I should write something awesome.

    [Reply]

  87. 14. Jun, 2012 / Liza180:

    THANK YOU! This blog post was so needed. I’ve been feeling like I”m in the VERY small minority who thought this book was a waste of time. I will never get those hours back or the brain cells I spent reading this horribly written book. I only read it because I didn’t know any better and was mildly amazed I even finished it. What a joke and if this is what our society thinks is good romance, I feel for the generation underneath me. How embarrassing. This man is an abuser and she falls for it. If I ever hear “my inner goddess” ever again, it will be WAY too soon.

    [Reply]

  88. 15. Jun, 2012 / Ben:

    Your husband is one very lucky man, you are effing hilarious!! Some real gems in that list.

    [Reply]

  89. 15. Jun, 2012 / M Brandt:

    Just heard about this book because two colleagues were talking about it. “Oh, you won’t like this one,” I was cautioned as they continued to talk and laugh about the book. So I read the reviews – I’m a librarian (children’s) so we do that. You rant was more entertaining, but the reviews were bad. WHY ARE people reading this book?

    [Reply]

  90. 15. Jun, 2012 / J:

    Love your blog. I got a link from someone on twitter. Yes I read MOTU and your right, it’s not real (If you are a rational adult). I think that’s the fun of it and some of it is sexy. Read it. You’lll laugh.

    [Reply]

  91. 15. Jun, 2012 / Kelly:

    LOVE THIS! I only have 1 reason… I refuse to spend $30 (if I wanted all 3 books) on what started out as free internet fanfiction… REALLY! There are so many well written books I could purchase with $30. My nook will remain a 50 Shades free zone.

    Thanks for the list!

    [Reply]

  92. 15. Jun, 2012 / Hubby:

    Than, GOD there are women who hate it. My wife is obsessed with them. At first I though “its just a book”. Then I start seeing her discussing things with friends on Facebook, public ally fantisizing about this imaginary man, and all of a sudden wants to have sex with me. We’ve been married for 13 years andha haven’t had sex in a year (her choice not mine). Now all of a sudden you want to sleep with me? No thanks. I have too much self respect to make love to my wife while she fantisizes about a man, real or not. To be honest it hurt. I flipped through the first book just to see what was making her so hot and bothered, and had more what the f*ck moments in 10 minutes than I’ve had in years, and I’m a man. Seeing my wife being turned on by such filth..bdsm, bondage, brutal sex scenes, beatings, and many other sadistic acts by a man who obviously needs to be locked up really bothered me deeply. We actually had huge fights over it because she was so defensive about it. She’s totally lost in this smut now and has a total disregard about my feelings toward it. They will make a movie about it inevitably,and th whole thing will, escallade to a whole new level. Call me insecure, but if she walked in on me pleasuring myself to bdsm dungeon porn, she would leave me over it and I wouldn’t blame her. Your #1 reason brought a tear to my eye because you REALLY get it. Thank you for this.

    [Reply]

  93. 15. Jun, 2012 / Hubby:

    #50 I meant

    [Reply]

  94. 16. Jun, 2012 / The Jen:

    There’s a free audio book version floating around, in case you want a good laugh. Thanks for this, by the way. People have been telling me how much I need to read it, but yeah…after “quirks up”, there’s no way. I still can’t forgive Charlaine Harris for her overuse of the phrase “spanky clean”. Which totally isn’t a thing, either.

    [Reply]

  95. 16. Jun, 2012 / Bob McNipplebutt:

    Fun Fact: People who are wildly successful in their public lives are more likely to be submissives, than dominants, in their private life.

    [Reply]

  96. 17. Jun, 2012 / Scarlett Parrish:

    That’s it, I officially love you and I don’t even know you.

    I’ve read book one and part of my soul died. I think my IQ dropped by 30 points.

    One thing (okay, one of many things) I hate is when people say, “At least 50 Shades has people reading again!” As if going for the lowest common denominator is, strangely, the best people are willing to aim for.

    And this book is NOTHING to do with BDSM. It’s about a guy with a fucked-up childhood who needs a woman to cure him with twu wuv. I wish EL James had bothered to do research, but I guess that was too much like hard work. It would have meant learning how NOT to rape the English language instead of piggybacking smeyer’s dubious success.

    Grr. You’ve resurrected my hateboner, damn you.

    [Reply]

  97. 17. Jun, 2012 / Scarlett Parrish:

    Oh, by the way, Sherlock rocks the phat one, whatever that means. And I will fight you for first dibs on Benedict Cumberbatch.

    [Reply]

  98. 18. Jun, 2012 / SaraBellem:

    Fun list. But you’re completely wrong on #10. For example, this guy is based in Seattle: http://www.scottpauldesigns.com/

    [Reply]

  99. 18. Jun, 2012 / Natalie:

    Watch Sherlock twice if it stops you from reading this rubbish – Benedict Cumberpatch is fabulous, and he’s quite naked in one of the episodes of season 2 (which is far sexier than 50SOG).

    The one that drives me completely to despair is the constant referrals to her subconscious. Surely, for the love of all that is holy, an editor somewhere could have explained to her what the hell her subconscious was!!!?

    Not the worst book ever, I’m sure. The worst book I’ve ever read though. I’m sure the reason so many women are in love with it is that they’ve not discovered erotica before, rather than anything else!

    [Reply]

  100. 18. Jun, 2012 / Brandyn:

    This. Is. Brilliant.

    Unfortunately I have read it…. I now consider myself illerate because of it.

    See? I misspelled ‘illiterate.”

    [Reply]

  101. 18. Jun, 2012 / lawrence:

    Chuckle…Texas entrepreneurs also get very little sleep, worry incessantly, don’t have enough time in the day for their wives, and try to avoid wearing ties at all costs.

    [Reply]

  102. 18. Jun, 2012 / Rae:

    Thank you so much for this post. I cannot stand how many people are jumping on the bandwagon. It was terrible as a fanfiction. It’s even more pathetic as a published work.

    [Reply]

  103. 18. Jun, 2012 / Boo:

    OMFG that was hilarious. Also, I may be in love with you, and NOT because of you’re very seductive tripped up pic.

    [Reply]

    Boo Reply:

    you’re = your = grammar fail.

    [Reply]

  104. 21. Jun, 2012 / Florida Keys Girl:

    This is awesome. I too, have not read it for many of these reasons… I was thinking about reading it (just to prove to myself that I should not have bothered), but I absolutely refuse to spend any money on it. I’d borrow it, but everyone I know seems to have read it on the Kindle, presumably because they are all too embarrassed for anyone in public to actually see what they are reading!

    [Reply]

  105. 21. Jun, 2012 / Christa Watson:

    (Haven’t read through ALL the comments so I’m probably repeating myself a bit but…)

    I have a good excuse for reading this and not being ashamed… Someone rec’d it and I bought it without even knowing what I was reading. It was quite shocking to find out it was “erotic romance” AND unfortunately I have a bad habit of not quitting books *sigh*

    Just to clarify on a few points, she stole more than 1 thing from Pretty Woman – like the part that he buys up businesses and liquidates them as a side project. Can we say Richard Gere?

    My biggest qualm comes from the fact that she must call him mercurial like… I dunno, 50 gabajillion times! Who the hell says mercurial in every day language? Sometimes I thought she was throwing words into thesaurus.com and randomly throwing them about. Definitely poorly written…

    I wish Katniss had met Fifty and shown him what’s what. Now that is a trilogy I wish was erotic romance :)

    [Reply]

  106. 21. Jun, 2012 / Louise Henrich:

    You should read Truth like the Sun by Jim Lynch. It is set in Seattle, and it is a great book.

    [Reply]

  107. 21. Jun, 2012 / Ashley:

    Seriously, you are one bad ass lady. :) I love how you bring a fresh, independent voice to the internet. I seriously can’t read most blogs these days because it’s all “Today in OC I went to a new shoe store OMG and I use hubbys CC to buy new shoes yayyyyy” and you DGAF and talk about delicious German food.
    Ok, lovefest over, you are seriously awesome, you and your husband are too effing cute to handle and you deserve all the success in the world, or maybe Stephen Colbert’s peabody… I’ll work on stealing that for you.

    [Reply]

  108. 22. Jun, 2012 / Alouise:

    Had no idea the book started out as Twilight Fanfic. That’s enough of a reason for me not to read it.

    Of course the other 49 reasons you mentioned were great, and the icing on the cake.

    [Reply]

  109. 23. Jun, 2012 / Jamah:

    THANK YOU for this, I laughed so hard! I read the first Fifty Shades book, with a crazy amount of eye rolling. I decided to give the second book a chance, the first time she said “Oh my…” I deleted the entire series from my Nook. I have to admit, I love a good series. I loved Hunger Games, was entertained by Twilight and even read every single Sookie Stackhouse novel. This one… no. Just, no.

    [Reply]

  110. 24. Jun, 2012 / Jo:

    Thankyou so much for writing this.

    I didn’t like it when it was Master of the Universe (Twific) and I certainly don’t like it now it’s 50 Shades of Grey. It’s poorly written and an absolute joke that it’s had so much success. There are extremely talented authors in the world deserving of a break, but it’s this pile of tripe that gets it.

    I tell everyone I can to avoid it and offer the original .pdf of it to them instead if they’re determined to gawk.

    [Reply]

  111. 24. Jun, 2012 / Jill:

    45 & 46 are the only real reasons here.

    [Reply]

  112. 26. Jun, 2012 / Nita:

    Have to say ur a funny girl! Im reading 2nd book now and have to say. I kinda like it..but att the same time i dont.all the banging is honestey annoying me. Got loads of women in out office whos gone totally mad about this story. I think its rather cute how this mega rich guy is treating his gf. ..been not all the time tho. But what i dont understand is all the money making based on book…for example, Ann Sommers are doing all these she toys partys and they are now doing one called something like 50 shades of gray..

    [Reply]

  113. 27. Jun, 2012 / Dan MyInnerGoddessIs.com:

    Shockingly, shockingly bad on so many levels. My website offers further insight into the inner goddess Anastasia Steele (*headdesk*).

    [Reply]

  114. 27. Jun, 2012 / Dan MyInnerGoddessIs.com:

    The inner goddess OF Anastasia Steele, that should read. Clearly bad writing is contagious.

    [Reply]

  115. 27. Jun, 2012 / Iain:

    My wife has read these. She showed me a passage (of the book) and I thought it was garbage. One thing that irritates me a lot in books and films and TV is characters who speak unlike any human that has ever lived.

    That said, I’m likely not the target audience.

    [Reply]

  116. 27. Jun, 2012 / Karen Marston:

    You said “This book is about Americans and is set in America, yet it’s peppered with Britishisms. Like “rucksack” and “smartly dressed” and “ringing” someone up on the phone. I can only hope “spotted dick” was included, too.”

    And I, as a Brit, said, why the hell are there so many Americanisms in the British version?

    It’s all starting to make sense. She clearly had no editor.

    Also, how the hell do you guys say “smartly dressed”?

    [Reply]

  117. 05. Jul, 2012 / Emma:

    YOU NEVER FINISHED READING THE GREAT GATSBY???!!!! How come? It is only 173 pages. I’m the worst reader in the world, didn’t get to the end of this blogpost and won’t be reading 50 Shades of Grey because to me it looks like a weighty novel but I’ve read GG at least a hundred times! Best book EVA and the last paragraph is the best last paragraph of any book EVA…. seriously, like totally… like I’m not even joking. Please please please go an read it…

    [Reply]

  118. 06. Jul, 2012 / Leslie:

    I started reading it. (Because it DOES sound hillarious.) And at first I liked it because I just imagined it to be a comedy. But after a while I got a little distressed because I constantly had to convince myself that snowqeens icedragon could not be serious with this, otherwise I would have lost my faith in humanity. So I stopped reading, it’s just too much… I think I have PTSD.

    [Reply]

  119. 06. Jul, 2012 / Patricia:

    re: #24

    Just read this in EW: Question to Tina Fey: Have you looked at 50 Shades of Grey? “I picked it up … in a bookstore … And I was like, “This is like… no. Not my jam.” Good call, obviously.

    [Reply]

  120. 07. Jul, 2012 / Daniela Maria:

    I’m a 36 y o woman from Rome – Italy – and I have been in a BDSM relationship with my husband for 8 years now (me sub – Him dominant), and I deeply loved this post!
    I cannot thank you enough for this page, especially for the number 43!
    For both me and my husband the childhood and youthhood were WONDERFUL, with loving parents, unforgettable beautiful memories and great friends!
    I was so happy when I heard about the books that sounded like a story I could relate to, but after reading the first book I was so disappointed I didn’t buy the others. Seriously, I don’t understand all this success. And yes, even for us in the lifestyle that thing about the contract it’s just stupid. You cannot really think it can mean anything, right? But since is fictional everything is allowed, I suppose. I didn’t like the style, it seemed written by an horny teenager. It didn’t arouse me, on the contrary, often I found it so boring that I had to skip pages. I was so frustrated that it made me wish I had some talent to write one myself. It is really shocking all this succes, I mean, it’s plenty of better erotic novels out there. Bah.

    So, thank you :)

    [Reply]

  121. 08. Jul, 2012 / Sue h:

    Ok… I read them… All three… Only lost a few brain cells in the process. I the time it took to do all the research for this blog entry you could have read all 3 (they aren’t exactly heavy reading). Many of you points make it obvious you didn’t read them so I believe you (yes they discussed pre-nups, yes they discussed how the contract can in no way be really legally binding, only one tie was needed, etc). The writing is horrid to the point of funny in spots (post-vomitus conversation– “How do you like your eggs?” “whipped and beaten”). Yes it started as Twilight fanfic but it really isn’t similar at all… Though I refused to read that, spineless Bella, ick. I liked it… I didn’t love it… It was fun. It is definitely porn. I felt stupid reading it but I couldn’t stop even though most of the 2nd and 3rd was quite boring. Beware, you might get sucked in.

    [Reply]

  122. 09. Jul, 2012 / Mozec:

    $100 says Christian and Anastasia make the top 5 baby names for 2012 and 2013.

    [Reply]

  123. 20. Jul, 2012 / Kris Bain:

    I had just re-read Grapes of Wrath, and thought I’d read something a little lighter. 50 Shades of Ridiculousness. I think it left me more depressed than the Steinbeck.

    [Reply]

  124. 23. Jul, 2012 / Lyttleton:

    You should do yourself a massive favor and finish the Great Gatsby.

    Otherwise, great list. I think everything after Number 1 is superfluous, but still plenty of good reasons to avoid this dreck.

    [Reply]

  125. 24. Jul, 2012 / Chelsea:

    I just read this and died laughing. I am appalled by the ridiculousness of this trilogy, and sadly read the first one because I was stuck with no other options in a foreign country. Needless to say I did not read the last two. I think after reading it, and while reading it, I said about 45 of these fifty things to people surrounding me! How ridiculous is it that she doesn’t have either a computer or a cell phone… REALLY? Great list!

    [Reply]

  126. 26. Jul, 2012 / Louise:

    It’s not a great piece but as far as escapism and entertainment I found it hit the spot! (no pun intended lol). An error on 7 he states in the book that it is not legally binding, it is just so they know where they stand.

    I enjoyed it :/

    [Reply]

  127. 26. Jul, 2012 / Camels & Chocolate:

    All the reasons you noted above are not only why I refuse to read, as well, but also why I hated Twilight so much. (What is it about these terrible pieces of “literary art” that take place in your corner of the US?)

    But girlfriend: You never finished Gatsby?! I hope that’s on your list before the movie remake comes out this Christmas. It is so so so good.

    [Reply]

  128. 27. Jul, 2012 / Chrystal McKay:

    Gosh, You’re hilarious! Awesome article. I have nothing more to contribute.

    [Reply]

  129. 28. Jul, 2012 / Beryl:

    Awesome article. I just finished the atrocity in a bid to find out what all the fuss was about and then simultaneously challenge myself to finish it after I realized what I had gotten myself into. I would LOVE for you to actually read it and then post again with your thoughts. Be forewarned – you finish the book feeling like your IQ is about 65. Also, please do this for me – every time you read the word `flush`think of a GIGANTIC WHITE TOILET and let me know if it was so much better having that kind of comic relief (because trust me, you will want to cry, it`s that bad).

    [Reply]

  130. 30. Jul, 2012 / Jim Hassett:

    This POST is “comedic gold”. You definitely need a show on the Something Channel at least. I know it’s inappropriate as all get out, but “I want you very badly, especially now, when you’re seeking a protection order again.”

    [Reply]

  131. 30. Jul, 2012 / Amanda:

    Haha, I love this! You had me at #1. Anyone who reads “Twilight” and is inspired does not deserve to be successful. At anything.

    I’m with you on the “I’d only read it because it would be hilarious” bit, though. A friend and I read the Twilight series a couple of years ago (aloud to one another, while eating lots of sprinkle cookies, I might add) and wrote a snarky blog about it. It was the only way we could force ourselves to finish.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Wait, wait wait …

    A friend and I read the Twilight series a couple of years ago (aloud to one another, while eating lots of sprinkle cookies, I might add) and wrote a snarky blog about it.

    I … I am rendered speechless by the sheer awesomeness of that statement. I also really want to hang out with you.

    [Reply]

  132. 30. Jul, 2012 / Emily:

    Bahaha. I’ve been avoiding it for all of the same reasons. A friend who normally has great taste surprised me when she recently told me I HAD to read it…though she told me to make sure my husband was in town. Because it would make me so aroused. HA! I didn’t know that Anastasia Steele was the lead female’s name–barf. I can’t fathom why the author would base it in Seattle without ever having been there. The same friend who recommended it made the concession to me that it’s odd that the author is British, yet had it set in America, but used some descriptions for things that were British and seemed out of place. As my Jewish family says, OY VEY.

    [Reply]

  133. 04. Aug, 2012 / Amy:

    I absolutely loved reading your article! It was funny and made me smile :) I have read the trilogy of 50 Shades… and I don’t normally succumb to mainstream popularity, but I actually really enjoyed the books! I do agree with most of the things that you have said in your article though!

    [Reply]

  134. 08. Aug, 2012 / John:

    If 50 Shades of Grey was based on the actual life of anyone remotely from Seattle no one would read it. It’s fictional. Not every CEO from Seattle fit in the stereotypical cut out you’ve produced. The characters were concocted from the mind of E.L. James. I suppose there is something wrong with the fact that the slang and terminology in the book originated from Britain’s Urban Dictionary, but that’s really not a deal breaker. Quit nitpicking for goodness sake and actually read the book before you come out with such an overcritical list.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    You’re right. The British slang alone isn’t a deal breaker.

    Good thing I have 49 other reasons not to read it.

    [Reply]

  135. 13. Aug, 2012 / Sara:

    I loved your 50 reasons which were much funnier than the books. I have to confess I did read all 3 books in a post finals frenzy, they were pretty awful, I never though bondage scenes could get boring, I also confess to reading Twilight and the Hunger Games, what can I say-I am an extremely promiscuous reader. I do read extremely fast so its not such a big deal. I just hope its not going to be a movie! Gaack! Did you notice no one in the book is middle class? Either working class or RICH. Sounds like someone’s doctoral thesis,

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Personally, I loved The Hunger Games. :)

    [Reply]

  136. 14. Aug, 2012 / wreckhouse:

    I am ashamed to say that I stayed up two nights in a row reading all 3 books… and that’s a huge chunk of time that I’ll never get back. I just kept reading to see if the plot would get better, and to see what all the fuss was about. I’d use North American jargon to classify the books as pure crap, but seeing as the author didn’t have the sense to drop all the British terms, I’ll say the books were shite and rubbish. WTF are hooded eyes? I thought that was when your upper eyelids sag or buldge out over your eyes. I got really annoyed with the writing style, and there was too much stupidity in this trilogy to waste any more of my time on. UGH!

    [Reply]

  137. 18. Aug, 2012 / Holly:

    You are totally right about this book. I frown upon it because it’s a fan fiction. She practically stole an idea and made money of it. There is million of people that the defend the book it’s really sad example: Sheri Lynn. Who purely defends the book every single time. Someone says something negative about it and they all go into panic mode because someone doesn’t like the book.

    [Reply]

  138. 18. Aug, 2012 / Holly:

    Out of these new books. I think Hunger games is the one I most like and enjoy.

    [Reply]

  139. 22. Aug, 2012 / Michelle:

    I could NOT POSSIBLY EVER EVER agree more!!! What utter bull!! I only hit to pg 100 of the first book and had to restrain myself from burning the dang book….

    [Reply]

  140. 23. Aug, 2012 / NinJa:

    I admit, I am a fan of the books. And since you haven’t read the series yet (word of advice: TAKE THE FIRST BOOK DOWN LIKE A MAN. It’ll be worth it when you reach the second and third book), I’ve responded to your list in a way that, I hope, will urge you not to judge a story by its cover and by other people’s opinions.

    1. Is it safe to assume that all apples (forgive the analogy) don’t fall far from the tree? Read the rest of the series. It gets better.
    5. Christian Grey has a private jet which he keeps at the Boeing Field.
    7. It is mentioned in the series that the contract they’ll sign is no more than a mere formality and that it is not legally enforceable.
    8. Ana Steele is NOT and was never directly employed under Christian Grey, but during the course of their relationship, he buys the nearly-bankrupt publishing house that Ana is working at, thus becoming her boss’ boss’ boss.
    9. Ana has said it time and time again throughout the series: SHE IS NOT AFTER CHRISTIAN GREY’S MONEY.
    10. Christian Grey was originally from Detroit, and his lifestyle was taught to him by his mother’s friend.
    11. Ana is said to be a huge fan of classic British literature and she also has a great love for London. Which explains why she’s fond of using these Britishisms.
    12. It’s a EUPHEMISM.
    13 and 14. Ana breaks it off because she feels that she’s not compatible with Christian and that he will never love her the way she loves him. Days pass after this with Ana missing Christian badly, when he comes back and tells her that he’ll try to be “more” with her (i.e. to engage in a serious and “normal” loving relationship).
    16. Christian Grey has money and influence. A little more and he’ll be like God.
    20. I feel you, but since the third season isn’t out yet, I suggest that you spend some time reading the Fifty Shades trilogy. It’s not Harry Potter or the Hunger Games, and it’s sure as hell isn’t BBC’s Sherlock—which is amazing beyond all imagining—but it’s worth the read.
    21. The book isn’t literary gold, but it’s not as bad as literary toilet paper (*cough*Twilight).
    27. Christian Grey is the CEO of his own company and he earns roughly one hundred thousand dollars an hour. I think free time comes with the territory.
    31. This generalization is just hard to believe.
    32. That’s the beauty of this book. Both of them want to change the other into someone they’re not—Christian wants to make Ana into the perfect submissive, and Ana wants to try to fix Christian’s fucked up past—but both of them eventually realize that this is not possible and that they’ll just have to learn to love each other more as they go on. And I know what you’re thinking: I AM NOT KIDDING. THIS IS *SERIOUSLY* IN THE SERIES.
    33. Your link says that Stephenie Meyer has REFUSED to read the book when the website that leads to that link clearly says that she HASN’T. She did say that it’s not her genre and her thing, but who fucking cares for a woman who wrote about vampires who FUCKING SPARKLE?
    34. SPOILER ALERT: They will. And no, there’s no chapter about a prenup, just some snippets of Christian refusing to draft one even though his lawyer father insists on it and even if Ana doesn’t really mind (because, as I’ve said, she is not after his money). And what do you mean by: “I mean there’s fiction, and then there’s fantasy.” What’s wrong with literary characters getting hitched? And is it bad that it’s a sort of perfect match? Should we then start questioning the marriage of Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy and of all literary couples whose authors happened to envision them getting married and living happily ever after?
    35. Christian Grey is a haphephobic, self-abhorring control-freak with the emotional state of an adolescent. Given the amount of drive that he has, and coupled with the fact that he has a very affluent family and a shrewd mind for business, I don’t see how the concept of a driven, single 20-something billionaire is so farfetched. But a driven, single 20-something billionaire being drop-dead gorgeous? Now that’s the stuff of dreams.
    36. Actually, it is.
    37. So that fact discounts her books as flawed? There’s a reason why the book is in the FICTION section of bookstores.
    39. He WAS a submissive. EL James will reportedly release a version of the series in Christian’s perspective. So if you want to see him as a submissive, wait for this.
    40. Believe it or not, this was also a deal breaker for Ana.
    41. Like I said above, he is the CEO of his own company. He has no board to answer to. That’s right, NO BOARD. Would you expect a control freak like him in board meetings with stuffy executives who’ll tell him that all of his decisions are wrong? Don’t think so.
    42. Actually, in book 3, there was a scene that involved arson in one of his company’s servers.
    43. Preferring the BSDM lifestyle does NOT necessitate a fucked-up childhood, and nowhere in the book is this ever mentioned or implied. Christian Grey adapted the BSDM lifestyle simply because, during his self-hating adolescent years, this was the only form of physical and even emotional contact that he could ever allow himself to have. And for someone who had grown up loathing himself for things that were beyond his control, this form of contact, albeit disturbing, was acceptable to someone like him.
    44. WHAT’S SO WRONG ABOUT THAT?

    So ultimately, I implore on you to give the series the benefit of the doubt. Beneath the poor writing and the awfully graphic sex scenes is a love story about a man broken beyond repair and the woman who managed to help him heal himself.

    [Reply]

    Michael Lundquist Reply:

    It’s even less intelligent for the author to talk about the contract, then say it’s a formality & not legally binding. I have met some weird people in my day, but who would take the time to create a contract that has no power at all & who would bother signing it? It is so funny that made it legit for you.

    [Reply]

  141. 23. Aug, 2012 / jesika:

    “Billionaires aren’t in their 20s. And if they are, they aren’t single. Or drop-dead gorgeous. Instead, they’re stressed-out and sleep-deprived and have terrible diets.”

    I’m so glad that you pointed this out! I’d rather read a page-long desc on a”stressed-out, sleep-deprived” young CEO who probably relies too much on double espressos and cigarettes rather than the fake, cardboard-ish Chris Grey. I see no appeal in Ana’s characteristics either. She has no grip as a character, not even with her “inner goddess” (mwahaha!). The sex scenes are absolutely ridiculous. I can see that Ms. Icedragon is not even used to it, not used to sensations.

    and this:
    “. Why can’t the heroine be a self-actualized, sexually-active 20-something….”
    this is a very genius idea. :-D

    So long Anais Nin and decent eroticas :-( Hello Icedragon.

    [Reply]

  142. 24. Aug, 2012 / Betty:

    Well, I am never going to read it as well because of your #1, 37,45,and 46.
    The reason for #45 is because the author sold more than Harry (Freaking!) Potter, I was shocked!
    What is our world becoming!!!
    And I also said #1 because I use to be a twi many eons ago, but I sorta grew up and I dislike the series now. I don’t like Edward at all, and I just want to tweak somethings about Bella, such as she hits Edward with a crowbar, stops using Jacob and ect, Also I am a fanfiction fangirl and when I realized this used to be a fanfiction I wanted to pull my hair out!!! There are better fanfiction out there people!
    I don’t hate bondage and all that jazz (I find it kinda kinky), but I think if I read this book my eye will get an irreversible twitch :3
    And that concludes my rant!

    [Reply]

  143. 02. Sep, 2012 / Efrat Lev:

    This was hilarious! I am in the book business so quite curious about the phenomenon, but as I read BARED TO YOU/Sylvia Day, which was not heavily S&M-oriented (hardly, actually), then I’m satisfied (pun intended…) and don’t see any reason to spend time on FSOG. BARED TO YOU was ok, actually (within the genre), perhaps those of you who refuse FSOG can read the alternative and at least be in the know. Positive points to consider (and no, I’m not related to the author, nor am I her agent): The heroine is also rich (well, her step-father and mother are rich), which is already better than a poor submissive young woman; There is a psychological background to the hero and heroine’s emotional problems; the woman is the one who keeps walking out on the man (short tempered!); Interesting gay best friend (bi, actually), also with problems. So, something to consider for a quick read!

    [Reply]

  144. 05. Sep, 2012 / Christ:

    I agree with some of your reasoning — especially the one on “subconscious”.. the author really has no fuckin’ clue what the unconscious is and how most people can’t speak to their unconscious!!!

    Are you for real when you say you haven’t read it? I, frankly, do not believe you haven’t read the book especially since you’re quoting it left and right.

    Also, who gives a flyin’ donut if it has some similarities to you and your bf?? IT”S FICTION. It’s not really about rich horny Seatlelites.

    Last but not least, must you really list 50 reasons? I couldn’t get past your 4th reason without wanting to put my head through the wall! It just draggggs onnnnn… quit while you’re ahead.

    YOUR BLOG IS STUPID. LIKE YOU.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Aww. You sound angry. Come here, you little scamp. Let me hug you.

    [Reply]

    Cary Reply:

    so young, so angry. Damn that rap music

    [Reply]

  145. 05. Sep, 2012 / Jess Joyce:

    I read it the first one. Laughed every time she bit her damn lip & said “inner goddess”, sooo ridiculous. People on the subway started looking at me cause I would laugh out loud :)

    [Reply]

  146. 11. Sep, 2012 / Taylor Cast:

    BEST. LIST. EVER. Here is my review after I suffered through this “book”. http://theurbandater.com/opinion/50-shades-of-shit.php/

    [Reply]

  147. 03. Oct, 2012 / Melanie Pratt:

    THANK YOU FOR THIS LIST…. My girlfriends told me to read the book.. I didn’t have time so I got Book One in audiobook form. Bye the time Ana was on the plane on her way to GA and got the response from Grey mentioning “bound, gagged and in a crate”.. I was agreeing with him.. Ana (the virgin) (RUFKM) I was annoyed when that got dropped. Now thru all of her immature overthinking.. by the end.. I was furious I had wasted my time and money on that piece of nonsense. For her to think Grey has issues with the party going on in her head.. even more annoyed me. My friends asked with excitement “How did you like it?”… My reply.. “I’m annoyed and I hated it.”.. Short and sweet and to the point.. I know it is odd to be annoyed at the woman.. but I was.. FOR ONCE: A MAN ACTUALLY TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED–RARE–BUT HE DID IT.. He didn’t lie.. He didn’t sugar coat anything. He laid it out in black and white… And she STILL was trying to pound him into something he wasn’t. AFTER he had already told her who he was..

    [Reply]

  148. 07. Oct, 2012 / ryan mutton:

    this is brilliant, i am definitely printing this out and keeping it handy, the amount of fanatics about this book is quite appalling, i don’t mind people liking it (even though quite frankly it is terrible -.-) but calling it a masterpiece is just offensive to actual authors who have spent so long making genuinely good books

    [Reply]

  149. 12. Oct, 2012 / fungirl#1:

    How many damn times does this author mention “HINT OF A SMILE”? HAS TO BE THREE TIMES PER CHAPTER LOL

    [Reply]

  150. 27. Oct, 2012 / Amanda Brown:

    I dont think it is horrible. It isnt great though. I only read the first two books. They pretty much are the same.

    [Reply]

  151. 31. Oct, 2012 / Bruce:

    I attribute number 28 to decades of Disney Princess-in-Waiting socialization. Don’t forget, all a batterer, who held you and your father hostage, terrorized his employees and threatens you need is for you to pity and Love him. The burden on His change falls on You.

    [Reply]

  152. 22. Nov, 2012 / The Guy:

    I don’t think I need to read it now, you’ve clearly summed it up for me.

    I’ve not ventured anywhere near the series. Although the people I know who admit to reading it say it is crap.

    You have appeared to research this extensively, maybe you secretly read it?

    [Reply]

  153. 04. Dec, 2012 / Gabrielle:

    If you were to read latinamerican writers (Garcia Marquez, Isabel Allende, Rafael Bernal, Juan Rulfo, Octavio Paz, among many others) you might change some of your reasons not to read 50 shades… I’m mexican, and I’m loving it…

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    I’ve read Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Isabel Allende.

    [Reply]

  154. 09. Dec, 2012 / Jane:

    I absolutely love this. AT LEAST half of the reasons you listed have been uttered by me. This no talent ass clown of a writer does not deserve the attention she is getting. And I would also like to add that “Secretary” is one of my favorite movies of all time and I love James Spader, which is another reason why I refuse to read these books. And let’s take a look at the name E.L. James here for a second….”E.” (Edward from “Secretary”) “L.” (Lee from “Secretary”) “James” (Main actor’s name) and Christian “Grey” (Edward’s last name in “Secretary”….coincidence? I think not. The director Steven Shainberg deserves more credit for the ’50 Shades’ series than the actual writer….
    Now I’m off to write my own dirty novel to try and become a no talent ass clown as well…with lots of cash.

    [Reply]

  155. 11. Dec, 2012 / Steph:

    I don’t know if it was said above or not but I just want to say I live the BDSM life style 24/7 I stared to read the books but could not get past the bad grammar or the horrible sex that sound like a 12 year old who knows notting about sex wrote. My husband and I choose this life style for us neither one of us came from abusive family’s, she made it so wrong to like this life style. Anyway there are some great people who can write great books that are sexy and eritoc, Maya Banks, Tymber Dalton, Leah brooks. Are all great examples.
    Your blog made me laugh thank you.

    [Reply]

  156. 12. Dec, 2012 / A man:

    Fantastic list. Having read all three – everything is absolutely true.
    However, besides literary value and the likelihood of the depicted details a book sometimes has other values. For example, it makes you think about some things.
    But since the book is a literary failure, but an absolute business success, item 45 on the list kinda dominates to the comments here….

    [Reply]

  157. 18. Dec, 2012 / Skye:

    Lol such a great list of reasons why not to read this book! Please stick to your guns – don’t read it!

    Anastasia is both an idiot and a wimp and I think Christian is probably the creepiest character I have ever read (Not to mention BOR-ING). I stupidly decided to give it ago and after the first few chapters I was disgusted by her stupidity. I don’t like leaving a book unfinished but as I didn’t want to waste any more time I skimmed till the end to find out if she had any brain in that head after all. Obviously not much of one especially considering I was told later what happens in book two and three.

    I am surprised by the amount of people who say ‘If you get past the erotica, the actual basis of the book is a love story and how it develops’. Yeah well I don’t envy their love lives! If that’s how they see love I would hate to think of how their enemies treat them! lol

    [Reply]

  158. 10. Jan, 2013 / newyork:

    Should I be concerned if my wife is reading the book for a third time? In 2 monthes

    [Reply]

    newyork Reply:

    yes

    [Reply]

  159. 11. Jan, 2013 / Kenna:

    Before you judge a book by it’s cover you should read it. Or talk to those who have finished the whole series. The books are a little graphic but nothing that a MATURE mind couldn’t handle. I am not some freak in the sheets, I am married to my high school sweetheart with 2 children and I am pretty shy, I DO NOT and WILL NOT watch porn… with that said… these books are far from porn. This is a love story about 2 completely different people, A love sappy young lady and a well experienced dominate man, falling in love and connecting their two worlds as one like every LOVING MARRIED couple does (Those who aren’t selfish that it). So until you read this don’t make stupid comments about it being porn, etc. So let please be mature people about how others decide to live their lives.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    “A love sappy young lady and a well experienced dominate man”

    I kind of wish those roles had been reversed. I would have been much more inclined to read it. ;)

    [Reply]

    new york Reply:

    Should I be concerned if my wife is reading the book for a third time? In 2 monthes

    [Reply]

    Janet Reply:

    Very well said! How can someone judge the book without even reading it, and it does’t all have to make any sence because it’s not based on a real life story!
    I’m marries and don’t watch porn, so i don’t see this book as porn.
    Read the book before you judge!
    I say it’s a great story! ☺
    Greetings, from Antwerp

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  160. 22. Jan, 2013 / Michael Lundquist:

    I haven’t read these books, but stumbled upon this & I want to thank you for making me laugh. Sex contracts? That would be classic to see those disputed on Judge Judy! You look like a great couple. I am super accepting, but this really does sound like comedy. Whip me until I cry! No thanks!

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  161. 23. Jan, 2013 / Agnieszka:

    I wasn’t planning to read this book, not for the lack of encouragement from others, but then the whole phenomenon of if made me curious. Because of lack of free time I bought the audio book and now I’m on the third part and I must say: I never rolled my eyes so many times while reading a book!
    The whole thing is so inconsistent. Especially Mr Gray character.
    Natural dominant, with a difficult childhood, who keeps everyone at safe distant and not to mention the money, which he’s got plenty meets this girl who is just regular girl from a neighbourhood (smart and pretty but doesn’t seem to be that stunning to me) and all his boundaries all of the sudden start to drop a week or two in the relationship.
    I laugh aloud when he is keep saying to her full of fondness: ‘What have you done to me?’ ‘You’re exquisite Anasthasia Steel’, and other really corney compliments which this book has plenty. It’s obvious the author of the book is a female who has no idea about human psychology and nature but tries to portray the guy who will appeal to so many women! And surprisingly she succeeds! But here is the message to all females dreaming of Christian Gray: 26 year olds, beautiful billioners, with a raw sexuality that can make a girl come just by simply touching her, mind readers, caring, honest, wanting commitment (whatever sort this is), able to speak to a woman in both hugely affectionate and sexual way, spilling expensive gifts over their lovers simply don’t exist.
    The whole thing is so infantile that I cringe.
    If the author had some sense if humour she should have finished the book with the female character walking up from a dream feeling silly and emberrased for what she dreamed about.
    Now, that would be believable!

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  162. 26. Jan, 2013 / Jodie:

    Fail! You give it so much attention, yet dislike it? I have not read it, but you are judging in every sense of the word and I can’t stand that people have jumped on the ‘I’m too above it to read it’ band wagon! Just enjoy life, it’s just a story, so it doesn’t really matter whether or not Seattle entreprenuers wear ties (which you can’t really account for!). I know that everyone is entitled to an opinion, but I don’t like people giving it until they’ve read it – it’s insulting to an author who actually has done quite well for herself!

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  163. 07. Feb, 2013 / Derp:

    To have written just a small fraction of what you have, you would have had to read the book. With that said, your title is VERY pointless. Who takes the time to write 50 things about a book they “wouldn’t” read. Please find something better to do with your time I don’t know… write a book that you can sell and make a shit load of money off of? Don’t like a book? Cool. Don’t fucking read it.

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  164. 07. Feb, 2013 / Derp:

    You have 50 numbers. A lot of them go like this:

    12. that book fucking
    13. sucked i’ll never read it again.

    14. omg and buttlerflies, that’s another reason I so wouldn’t read it
    15. Im just adding this to make my list go to 50 :D

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    To be fair, if it had butterflies, I’d be more likely to read it.

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  165. 27. Mar, 2013 / whattheheck:

    some people like the book and some don’t but the bottom line is that the writer is now famous and rich and here we are talking about how crap the book is. the book is stacked on the fiction shelf so why waste anymore time on talking about the crapness and try write something that will actually change the world and really make a difference.

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  166. 24. Apr, 2013 / Lily Green:

    This list is so funny, i can’t believe how much i laughed during this. But you wrote nothing but the absoutely truth and i’m getting tired of my friends coming up to me saying ‘I wish i could find a man like Christian Grey’. Because again you are correct, there are no such things as 20 something billionaires who are single as well as drop dead gorgeous.

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  167. 04. Aug, 2013 / Michael:

    OMG… Usually lists this long are tired, but this book just provides way too much material! I agree that I might be more convinced to read it if the authors name was Snowqueens Icedragon.
    My house hosted a cookbook by “Crescent Dragonwagon” and I loved it!!!
    Though bestsellers in the erotic fiction category cant get too far out there with (as you suggested) dominant women who are sexually confident and don’t trip all the time while biting their lips fantasizing about whatever dance. Sadly it’s a formula plot, and soon our books will all be written by algorithms (who actually will use funny pen names).
    This review reminds me of criticism from the Game of thrones series. It’s not really clear who is the protagonist, and as the story goes on some of them actually die! Oh no! It’s not just a classic “prince charming” /”good vs evil” tale with a linear plot. So people freak out….. Then they read 50 shades of Grey and feel better validating their sense of gender roles and silly romance.

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  168. 15. Aug, 2013 / Rowsie:

    I LOVE #21!

    Thanks…best list of reasons ever – will direct (the far too many) lovers of this trilogy here when they ask what exactly I think is wrong with it…

    Incidentally; I attempted to read 50 Shades…I got as far as chapter 2 I think before I felt the life ebbing out of me.

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  169. 25. Aug, 2013 / mimi:

    Its sad though, I’m 23 and a lot of females I know loves this book. I only got through a couple hundred pages, and closed it like “NOPE”. Sad thing is that I instantly recognized the insecurity of the female protagonist and the abusive relationship she willingly entered. I just wanted to punch Ana in the face for the way she was acting in this book. She’s constantly blushes, and apparently a orgasm pumping machine. Despite the fact she has never masturbated or had any chance to discover her own body. And Christian was just a complete jackass, also lol apparently the bastard has no board to answer to. The funny thing is, that I’m a virgin(by conscious choice), and I will tell you that Ana was just being embarrassing. Her idiocy had nothing to with her virginity, yet she had the nerve to judge others and their relationships when the idiot couldn’t even recognize that she was in a unhealthy relationship.

    [Reply]

    sarah o Reply:

    Ooh! Another annoying thing!! She “flushes”! LOL – no blushing, *flushing*. I always think of a toilet. Which is pretty logical…. ;0) And yes, she is completely insecure, which is a huge red flag! This guy is a sicko.

    FULLY unbelievable that a girl/woman/kidult who has never even held hands with a man is down for… well, i probably won’t get that far. But i did just hear the description of his “play room”, so.. ick.

    Mimi, good for you for the choice YOU have made for yourself, for your body & heart! i respect that very much. Virginity does not equal stupidity, you are correct.

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  170. 02. Oct, 2013 / sarah o:

    I listen to crappy audio books to help me sleep. I’m at the part where she sees his ‘play room”, and i promise you she has said ‘Holy cow” (also “Holy hell”, “Holy f—”, “Holy s—” and a few my brain just refused to hold onto)

    SO glad you mentioned the sub-conscious! Apparently it has been renamed her Inner Goddess, which did not help me sleep as i was laughing my ass off

    I hadn’t read “Tess of the D’Urbervilles” (sp?) but thought my Mom had, and since my Mom is a self-professed pride, figured it would be interesting. So i went to find out what *that* book was about, as our idiotic, no self-respect having protagonist seems to adore it. I was horrified to find Tess was raped. And had a :sickly: baby who then dies. And that’s just the beginning of the awesome life poor Tess lives.

    Women who buy this book really do set back what amazing women fought for us to have. My only hope is that since it is written so badly, it will fall out of favor eventually. But we do seem to live in a pathetic world where pop culture is ruled by a whiny beeotch who made her whole family “famous” by making a sex tape. And then there’s Twilight…

    If i were God, I would think “Cut that out! Now! I didn’t say anything about not ending the world with fire!”

    Ooh, and you can get a candle that makes your kitchen smell like pie. Or a campfire with marshmallows roasting over it! So i guess the world isn’t completely done for yet. ;0) I am only at #15 on your awesome list, better stop this and go read some more!! :)

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  171. 02. Oct, 2013 / sarah o:

    So many errors in my post! Yikes. “She has said “holy cow” (etc) more than 84 times. It’s delightful in audiobook form. You know, in that ironic sarcastic way! :)

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  172. 04. Dec, 2013 / KT:

    I just stumbled on this post and it made me laugh out loud. I never read 50 Shades (or Da Vinci Code for that matter, which was another insane book fad).

    Bookmarked your blog, love it!

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  173. 09. Jan, 2014 / JC:

    3 things:

    1. You sound as though you HAVE read the trilogy

    2. I assume you have a lot of time on your hands, to be able to write such a long blog post about something you don’t like?

    3. You appear to be a very unhappy person with nothing pleasant to say.

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    Everywhereist Reply:

    Hi Jo!

    Four things:

    1.) You just got your panties in a wad over 50 Shades of Grey.
    2.) Seriously.
    3.) No, I mean, SERIOUSLY.
    4.) DUDE.

    [Reply]

    JC Reply:

    I did read the trilogy. I thought it was poorly written. I don’t care enough, nor do I have the time, to write 50 reasons why people shouldn’t read it.

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    Everywhereist Reply:

    Dude, I have loads of time. Not only to write 50 reasons, but to actually reply to comments.

    Holy crap is my life awesome.

  174. 14. Jan, 2014 / Shanice:

    Ok so I’ve read the first and half of the second book and I have to say- this post makes some really valid points(except I’m a huge fan of Pretty Woman but that’s not the point).
    I read Fifty Shades as a fanfic- yeah I’m a twihard, don’t judge *ducks*- I feel it made sense as a Twilight fanfic. As a novel on its own? Not so much.

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  175. 17. Mar, 2014 / Joanna Kalafatis:

    I’ve been going through your blog and this post has left me on the floor dying of laughter. “I was so moved by the collected works of the cast of The Jersey Shore I decided to put in it words” alone killed me. Thank YOU for writing this.

    A friend got me ’50 shades of grey’ for my birthday, and I think it ended our friendship. Glad to know I’m not the only person with zero curiosity to read a horribly written book about a (from what I’ve understood), dysfunctional and controlling relationship featuring a lead female with no self-esteem (I guess it WOULD have that as a plot, considering it started as Twilight fanfic). Also, he really says no snacks between meals?? Are you kidding me?? Go catch up on Sherlock, it’s the much better choice.

    P.S. I haven’t read Twilight, but I have seen all the movies because they were absolutely hilarious. If you want to see it mercilessly mocked, download the audio commentary from Rifftrax.com (guys who did MST3K, if you’re familiar with it), sync it up to the movie, and let them both roll. I guarantee good times.

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  176. 19. Mar, 2014 / vv:

    Yes I read 50 Shades… Bcuz one jerk I fell in love with told me he was Chris tian grey. So I was curious.. buuh I regret ever using my money to buy that shit. Painfully boring

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