A Letter To My Friend Who Won’t Shut Up About Game of Thrones

Posted on
Jun 30, 2015



Dear Games of Thrones Obsessed Friend,

You know I love you, right? And that I always have? Well, maybe not always. To be honest, when we first met, I sort of found you annoying. But over time, you’ve become someone who I’ve grown to love and tolerate. Someone with whom I can be honest.

And in that spirit of honesty, I have to tell you: I’m never, ever going to watch Game of Thrones.

I know. I know. Clearly I must not know what I’m missing. But here’s the thing: all these characters you keep talking about? The ones you can barely keep straight? I do not care about any of them. Whether they live or die (and it seems like a lot of them die) means absolutely nothing to me, because I am not invested in them at all. It’s the closest I’ll ever come to being a sociopath, and it’s remarkably freeing.

No, I’m not going to tell you whether or not I liked Lord of the Rings. Why? Because there is absolutely no correct answer to that statement. If I say that I didn’t like it, they’ll you’ll say that the show is nothing like LOTR, which is the least persuasive argument ever. You know what else is nothing like Lord of the Rings? Diabetes. And the DMV. And Sex and the City. 

I do not like any of those things, either.

And if I say I do like Lord of the Rings? Then you’ll tell me that Games of Thrones is basically the same thing, except with more sex and gore.

Um, what? Why the hell would that be a selling point for me? What about our history together has led you to believe that the one thing I need more of in my television watching is sex and gore? I ALMOST HAD A PANIC ATTACK WATCHING DAREDEVIL. I made it through two episodes before I gave up and told Rand to only call me if there were any romantic or funny scenes. There were two.



I do not need to see people impaling their faces on things. Nor do I need to see boobs. I have boobs. And an internet connection. I am up to my boobs in boobs. I just want to see two romantic leads successfully fighting evil and then chastely making out on the couch for HOURS. I would watch the hell out of that.

And we need to talk about all the idiocy that you are spewing out on Facebook. I swear to god, Donald Trump’s bid for the presidential election makes more sense. You can’t believe they killed/attacked/maimed that one character that everyone loved? Seriously? HAVE YOU EVER READ OR WATCHED ANYTHING, EVER? The Wire? The Great GatsbyA Tale of Two Cities? THE BIBLE? I mean, how did you NOT see that coming?

Then there’s the endless memes. “OMG, you can’t believe that the one actor on the show used to be on something else?”


THAT IS WHAT ACTORS DO. They play different roles. This should not be a revelation on par with the discovery of penicillin. Playing a bit part in Batman Begins and then playing an asshole isn’t that impressive. You know who’s impressive? Daniel Day-Fucking-Lewis. And Gary Oldman. I don’t even recognize them in most of their films. But do you see me clogging up the arteries of Facebook with a bunch of memes about that? NO.

You say the transformations are incredible?

That is called makeup. Anyone can do that. BEHOLD:



Also, calling them by their character’s names even when they aren’t in character is annoying. The only time that’s ever acceptable is with Peter Mayhew, who will always be Chewbacca, no matter what. Because Chewbacca.

Look, I don’t care if the show is so, so good. So is not spending my entire summer on the couch, binge-watching an incestual rapey gorefest. I swear to god, if you mention it one more time, I will go all Khaleesi on your ass. (Also, I had to spend 20 minutes figuring out an appropriate GoT analogy, which is time I could have spent watching my Daredevil kissing gif. I blame you.)




P.S. – No, this is not like the time I tried to get you to watch Mad Men. This is totally different.

Leave a Comment

More from The Blog

On Instagram @theeverywhereist

  • 11 years. You have made my life what it is, Rand.
  • When you find out that @britneymuller has surreptitiously been taking photos of your butt on her phone.
Me: Why.
Her: Because it's perfect.
  • Hair toss, check my nails. Baby how you feeling? Thirty-nine as hell.
  • Me: You cannot go to sleep at 10pm EST.
Him: Watch me.
  • I didn't do nearly all that I set out to do today. But I had a lovely dinner thanks to this man and some excellent out of town guests. So perhaps the measure of a day isn't always about that damn checklist. (Maybe. Ask me again tomorrow when all the stress hits me. 🤔😅)
  • You can't expect things to look *exactly* like the picture in the cookbook. But sometimes they do anyway. #alisonroman #diningincookbook #diningin #cocoabananabread #instadesserts #baking
  • Here it is, folks. The paperback edition of my book is out today. The hardcover came out more than two years ago, so it's wonderful to know that this story of mine still has life and is, gasp, still selling copies. Don't miss the book that Lauren Graham called "the travel companion you'll be happy you brought along" and that some guy on Twitter said was "immature and stupid." It's available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Indiebound. #bookstagram #summerreading #bookworms
  • This lady. ❤️❤️❤️ So proud of her.
  • HAPPY LAUNCH DAY!! I really want to curl up in bed with this amazing novel today, but I can't - for an amazing reason. Because I'm going to be at the Lake Forest Park location of Third Place Books tonight, discussing it with the author, my dear friend @andreadunlop. Lady, I'm so proud of you. ❤️ ❤️❤️ #bookstagram #summerreading
  • Baking in an AirBnB is always an adventure. I didn't have a measuring cup for the flour so I eyeballed it, and had to use a wine bottle as a rolling pin to make these handpies. Not my best work, but @demeritt and @randderuiter seemed cool with the results, so I'm going to accept that sometimes good enough is, well, enough. 🥧🍴

All Over The Place

Buy my book and I promise I'll never ask you for anything again.