In lieu of a guest blog post this week, I’ve decided to resurrect my short-lived Ask The Everywhereist feature. That way I can still exploit my readers for content (via their brilliant questions) without denying myself the pleasure of composing yet another snarky blog post! Plus, like Dear Abby and Prudie and all those other women who know everything, I’m dispensing useful advice to the masses!

What’s that, legal representation? Okay, fine – I’ll offer up a disclaimer. Sigh. This post is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice included therein may be considered the ramblings of a mad woman and should probably be ignored. Failing to ignore my advice should result in injury, emotional scarring, a general patina of ickiness, and possible deportation. You’ve been warned.

But onward!

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Jessica of WhyGoItaly writes …

Dear Everywhereist:

I really hate humidity. What can you do to make humid destinations more palatable for me?

Luv, Jessica

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Dear Jessica,

The pessimistic liberal in me wants to make some crack about how global warming will soon reduce the entire earth to a scorching, barren landscape, leaving you wishing for the humidity of years past. But *yawn* – I’ve always found environmental activism kind of boring, and also, I don’t know if the inevitable result of climate oscillations would be less humidity. So I figured I’d give you a more pragmatic multi-step approach. As a gal who lived in Florida for 7 years (6 of them without A/C), I can tell you a thing or two …

  1. Embrace the tanktop. Or the strapless top. If you’re in traveling in a country in which it’s not culturally taboo to show off this kind of skin in hot weather, then do so. Sleeves are an absolute nightmare in the heat, and you won’t believe how much cooler you’ll be without them (and without the accompanying underarm sweat stains.) If you are a gentleman, this is not really an option (but do try wearing looser shirts).
  2. Shower at night. Like pudding left uncovered in a refrigerator, you will develop a sticky film over yourself after spending a day in hot, humid weather. And it’s an absolute nightmare to try and sleep when you’re sticking to the sheets (nevermind getting pudding stains out of your linens. But that is another post). Take a cool shower at night, and you’ll find getting shut-eye is a lot easier, even in the hottest of weather.
  3. Wear natural fabrics. I know, I know – polyester is a wonder fabric. It doesn’t wrinkle, it dries in 30 seconds, it melts instead of burns. But it doesn’t breathe, and holds on to odors like they were treasured old love letters. So skip the leisure suit and grab some loose-fitting clothes in cotton, linen, silk, or any combination therein. You’ll be wrinkly (clothing-wise), but comfy.
  4. Wash your face a few times a day. Just a few splashes of water will make you feel better, no matter how much the country you’re visiting resembles a sauna. And at the risk of sounding like a shill, in between washes, try these oil-absorbing facial wipes. I carry them in my purse at all times and they are pure awesome.
  5. See if your hotel has a dehumidifier. Some places actually do. If not, crank up the A/C – not only will it keep you cooler, but most air conditioners strip the moisture out of the air. Still not dry enough for you? Check out the humor of Stephen Fry.
  6. Punch anyone who says, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” Yes, they may be right. They’re still annoying.

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

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Dear Everywhereist,

My husband is going on his first overseas trip at his new job soon. I’ve been to his travel destination previously. He has not. How do I ask his boss to send me along?

Sincerely,

Wanderlust

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Dear Wanderlust,

You have several options.

  1. Blackmail. Look back on your life. When hasn’t blackmail worked? I suggest using Photoshop (or in this case, Microsoft Paint) to create compromising photos of your husband’s boss (since my hubby is his own boss, I chose Bill Gates, boss of half of Seattle):

    This photo of Bill Gates in a newspaper dress is sure to get me a free, all-expense paid trip from Seattle to Redmond.

    This highly-realistic photo of Bill Gates' nip-slip is sure to get me a free, all-expense paid trip from Seattle to Redmond.

  2. Get hired by your husband’s company and instantly prove that you have a variety of skills that would make you invaluable on this trip. (Not unveiling aforementioned compromising photos to the public totally counts as an invaluable skill. As does eating cupcakes.)
  3. Sneak yourself into your hubby’s carry on. This only works if you are petite, non-claustrophobic, can withstand extreme temperatures and atmospheric pressure changes, and weigh less than 50 pounds (You wouldn’t want to pay a heavy luggage fee, right?). If you have an animal costume handy, you may want to consider stuffing yourself into a dog crate.  Then your hubby will simply have to come up with a brilliant reason for taking his pet on a business trip.

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

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Dear Everywhereist,

Due to recent events, I’ve found that my ability to travel is going to be curtailed for the next 10-15 years. Can you suggest any ways of extinguishing my desire to steal airplanes travel?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

Riding coach between a kid with consumption and a corpulent dude with no sense of personal boundaries tends to do it for me. I would say that negative reinforcement (meted out over the next decade or so at the state penitentiary) would knock the wanderlust right out of you, but apparently your mom hired a celebrity lawyer and there’s buzz about a movie deal. So it sounds like flying coach might be a thing of the past, as there very well could be more private planes in your future. The moral of this story? Sigh. I don’t really want to think about it. But I’m sure your 25,000 Facebook fans would be happy to talk about it.

Sincerely,

Everywhereist

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Do you have a travel question that you need ineptly answered? Send you questions to contact(at)everywhereist.com with “Ask the Everywhereist” in the subject line. Some unspecified amount of time later, you may receive a reply filled with PURE AWESOMENESS.

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Comments (3)

  1. 19. Jul, 2010 / philip:

    For impossibly humid situations, I found that a bandana soaked in cold water and tied around the neck is a pretty effective cooling device. You look like a total doofus, but you won’t feel quite so much like dying.

    Also, “polyester … holds on to odors like they were treasured old love letters” might be the funniest thing you’ve ever written.

  2. 19. Jul, 2010 / Deanna:

    Reading that last question prior to clicking the links, I thought you were referring to Lindsay Lohan. My brain is apparently partying like it’s 2007.

  3. 21. Jul, 2010 / Trisha:

    Over the years that I’ve been traveling I’ve found that the best way to deal with humidity is to just avoid it altogether. Humid destination? Don’t go there. There are some truly awesome places to go that are very dry – such as Kansas (great corn silos), Mt. Everest (lovely views), and Sudan (great travel bargains right now). I mean really, once you’ve seen one palm tree-shaded beach, you’ve seen them all.

    And OMG I always thought Bill Gates was taller!

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