I AM THE PUPPET MASTER!

I am always amazed when people ask me for travel advice. I will often turn around to see precisely who they are talking to. Even if it’s in an email addressed to me, I’ll do a quick check over my shoulder just to make sure there isn’t someone better equipped to answer the question waiting there (as though Rick Steves is hiding in my office. Which would be equally horrifying and awesome).

I dispense my advice with some trepidation, reminding myself that these poor, misguided readers are under the impression that I know what I’m doing. And that they literally asked for it. The fools.

In this edition of Ask the Everywhereist, I once again present some of the questions I’ve received in my inbox lately, along with my feeble attempt at answers. Serves them right for thinking I was a reliable source of anything besides spite.

Dear Everywhereist,

Does your husband happen have any cute, single friends whose jobs require them to travel the way he does, and who have subsequently been unable to maintain a stable relationship, despite the fact that they are practically perfect in every way?

Signed,

Just Curious

Dear Curious,

He does, in fact, have a lovely friend who, for reasons I can’t discuss here, has been preoccupied with something for the last five to ten years which kept him behind bars unable to date. But he is now free and rather eager to meet a gal who shares his hobbies, which include ski masks, grand theft auto (not the video game), and aggravated assault (allegedly). Unfortunately, he cannot legally leave the state of Washington.

Actually, nevermind. I’m not introducing you two, since I’m pretty sure that would make me an accomplice.

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

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Dear Everywhereist,

1) I haven’t seen you comment on the fad(?) of cupcake lollipops.  Icing mixed with cake crumbs, then dipped.  You can find recipes online.  

2) Have you checked out “My Drunk Kitchen” on YouTube? Might be good for a Friday link.

Sincerely,

Dylan McKay

Dear Dylan,

1. Any recipe that begins with the destroying a perfectly good cake is a bad recipe. When you do that, YOU ARE MESSING WITH THE FRAGILE FABRIC OF OUR UNIVERSE. Cake and frosting live in harmony. Mixing the two is like crossing the streams. Never cross the streams, Dylan. Never.

2. Have I checked it out? I LIVE IT, Dylan. Every night. And twice on Thursdays (I never could get the hang of Thursdays).

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

P.S. – The years have been kind.

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Dear Everywhereist,

I hope to become a blogger too one day, but I can’t figure out how to make a living from it. Are you able to generate any income from your blog? 

Sincerely,

Starry-eyed Humanities Major

Dear Younger Iteration of the Everywhereist,

Unless you can derive sustenance from hate mail, blogging won’t even feed you. Instead, it will become a source of never-ending torment. You’ll spend hours trying to decipher comments from people YOU WILL NEVER MEET. You may cry when a total stranger criticizes your grammar. You’ll lose sleep. You may lose your friends. You’ll certainly lose a good portion of your sanity. And yet, you’ll keep going back to it again and again. It’s not unlike meth in that respect, though slightly less harsh on the teeth.

Sincerely,

Everywhereist

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Hi BLOG OWNER.

I have been reading your blog, INSERT BLOG NAME and would love to write a guest post for your site. Of course, it would be mutually beneficial. You would get free content and all I would ask for is several links to my offshore gambling site. I can have the post to you by the end of the week. Please let me know what you think.

Sincerely,

Monte

Dear Monte,

DIE. DIE. DIE.

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

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Legal Disclaimer: The “Ask the Everywhereist” column is for amusement purposes only. The owner of this site assumes no responsibility if you take any of her advice seriously. She would actually advise you not to. Also, she really does caution you against cake balls, because she’s fairly certain eating one will cause a rift in the space-time continuum. Your first bite will be on earth, present day. Your second bite will not occur, because you will have been transformed into a 50-year-old math equation. 

What’s that, legal representation? Okay, fine – I’ll offer up a disclaimer. Sigh. This post is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice included therein may be considered the ramblings of a mad woman and should probably be ignored. Failing to ignore my advice should result in injury, emotional scarring, a general patina of ickiness, and possible deportation. You’ve been warned.

But onward!

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Jessica of WhyGoItaly writes …

Dear Everywhereist:

I really hate humidity. What can you do to make humid destinations more palatable for me?

Luv, Jessica

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Dear Jessica,

The pessimistic liberal in me wants to make some crack about how global warming will soon reduce the entire earth to a scorching, barren landscape, leaving you wishing for the humidity of years past. But *yawn* – I’ve always found environmental activism kind of boring, and also, I don’t know if the inevitable result of climate oscillations would be less humidity. So I figured I’d give you a more pragmatic multi-step approach. As a gal who lived in Florida for 7 years (6 of them without A/C), I can tell you a thing or two …

1. Embrace the tanktop. Or the strapless top. If you’re in traveling in a country in which it’s not culturally taboo to show off this kind of skin in hot weather, then do so. Sleeves are an absolute nightmare in the heat, and you won’t believe how much cooler you’ll be without them (and without the accompanying underarm sweat stains.) If you are a gentleman, this is not really an option (but do try wearing looser shirts).
2. Shower at night. Like pudding left uncovered in a refrigerator, you will develop a sticky film over yourself after spending a day in hot, humid weather. And it’s an absolute nightmare to try and sleep when you’re sticking to the sheets (nevermind getting pudding stains out of your linens. But that is another post). Take a cool shower at night, and you’ll find getting shut-eye is a lot easier, even in the hottest of weather.
3. Wear natural fabrics. I know, I know – polyester is a wonder fabric. It doesn’t wrinkle, it dries in 30 seconds, it melts instead of burns. But it doesn’t breathe, and holds on to odors like they were treasured old love letters. So skip the leisure suit and grab some loose-fitting clothes in cotton, linen, silk, or any combination therein. You’ll be wrinkly (clothing-wise), but comfy.
4. Wash your face a few times a day. Just a few splashes of water will make you feel better, no matter how much the country you’re visiting resembles a sauna. And at the risk of sounding like a shill, in between washes, try these oil-absorbing facial wipes. I carry them in my purse at all times and they are pure awesome.
5. See if your hotel has a dehumidifier. Some places actually do. If not, crank up the A/C – not only will it keep you cooler, but most air conditioners strip the moisture out of the air. Still not dry enough for you? Check out the humor of Stephen Fry.
6. Punch anyone who says, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” Yes, they may be right. They’re still annoying.

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

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Dear Everywhereist,

My husband is going on his first overseas trip at his new job soon. I’ve been to his travel destination previously. He has not. How do I ask his boss to send me along?

Sincerely,

Wanderlust

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Dear Wanderlust,

You have several options.

1. Blackmail. Look back on your life. When hasn’t blackmail worked? I suggest using Photoshop (or in this case, Microsoft Paint) to create compromising photos of your husband’s boss (since my hubby is his own boss, I chose Bill Gates, boss of half of Seattle):
   

   This highly-realistic photo of Bill Gates' nip-slip is sure to get me a free, all-expense paid trip from Seattle to Redmond.

2. Get hired by your husband’s company and instantly prove that you have a variety of skills that would make you invaluable on this trip. (Not unveiling aforementioned compromising photos to the public totally counts as an invaluable skill. As does eating cupcakes.)
3. Sneak yourself into your hubby’s carry on. This only works if you are petite, non-claustrophobic, can withstand extreme temperatures and atmospheric pressure changes, and weigh less than 50 pounds (You wouldn’t want to pay a heavy luggage fee, right?). If you have an animal costume handy, you may want to consider stuffing yourself into a dog crate.  Then your hubby will simply have to come up with a brilliant reason for taking his pet on a business trip.

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

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Dear Everywhereist,

Due to recent events, I’ve found that my ability to travel is going to be curtailed for the next 10-15 years. Can you suggest any ways of extinguishing my desire to steal airplanes travel?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

Riding coach between a kid with consumption and a corpulent dude with no sense of personal boundaries tends to do it for me. I would say that negative reinforcement (meted out over the next decade or so at the state penitentiary) would knock the wanderlust right out of you, but apparently your mom hired a celebrity lawyer and there’s buzz about a movie deal. So it sounds like flying coach might be a thing of the past, as there very well could be more private planes in your future. The moral of this story? Sigh. I don’t really want to think about it. But I’m sure your 25,000 Facebook fans would be happy to talk about it.

Sincerely,

Everywhereist

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Do you have a travel question that you need ineptly answered? Send you questions to contact(at)everywhereist.com with “Ask the Everywhereist” in the subject line. Some unspecified amount of time later, you may receive a reply filled with PURE AWESOMENESS.

How did you decide that “Everywhereist” should be spelled “Everywhereist” and not “Everywherist”? Are you ever worried that people with Germanic tendencies will pronounce it “Everywhere-iced”?

Also, what is the appropriate formula for computing how many pairs of shoes one should pack, given the length (in days) of one’s trip? If the desired number of shoes would force you to use a larger suitcase than you would otherwise require, should you pack them all anyway, or limit yourself to only as many as fit into the smaller suitcase?

-Footloose in Fargo

Dear Footloose in Fargo,

When my great-grandfather started this site in 1914, the spelling was indeed “everywherist.com”. As you can imagine, the influx of new websites to the United States during this time created a lot of xenophobia. He felt pressured to Americanize the name, and thus changed it to its current spelling. I’ve kept it, because it’s printed on all my business cards. And since those with “Germanic tendencies” (is that a PC way to say German?) pronounce everything funny, I’m not really concerned.

As for how many shoes to bring, my motivating factor is what I will be doing on my trips, rather than how long my trips will be. I generally shoot for one pair of heels, a pair of casual walking shoes, and a somewhat dressy pair of flats, to cover all eventualities. Of course, you still might not be prepared. After all, you never know when you might need a pair of slutty thigh-high boots like the ones Julia Roberts wore in Pretty Woman (what can I say? Iceland is weird).

Because who knows? You might need to go fishing. With whores.

My general rule is that you should always bring two pairs, and if you are going for more than three days, bring three pairs. Unless you have really huge feet, this shouldn’t require a bigger bag.

Yours Everywhere,

The Everywhereist

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Dear Everywhereist,

Why are knitting needles on the list of TSA allowed items, but sometimes they randomly decide to take them away from you? Either allow them, or don’t; don’t make us guess whether we can safely travel with our knitting, or whether a TSA agent may randomly decide to pull needles out of a work-in-progress, ruining weeks of work (and throwing away a perfectly good set of $15 needles).

Sincerely,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Have you considered buying a DS?

Because the TSA is intentionally vague on the subject. Basically, knitting needles are allowed, but “security officers have the authority to determine if an item could be used as a weapon and may not allow said item to pass through security.” That’s all it takes. You are at the mercy of a power-hungry idiots making $10/hour. Good luck with that.

Yours Everywhere,

The Everywhereist

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Dear Everywhereist,

1. Why was I always randomly screened when I traveled with a New Zealand passport, but once I got a Washington driver’s license, I was not specially screened again for four years?
2. What is it about my belt that could be used for evil?
3. (Special British edition) Why are there two security checkpoints at Heathrow? What could I have picked up in between checkpoint one and checkpoint two that could possibly be on the List?

Sincerely,

Jane

Dear Jane,

1. Because to most TSA agents “New Zealand” sounds made up.
2. The buckle.
3. I’m going to go with mad cow. Or possibly nunchucks.

Yours Everywhere,

The Everywhereist

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Do you have a question for The Everywhereist? Leave it in the comments section or this post, or send an email to contact-at-everywhereist-dot-com.

This photo has nothing to do with anything. I just think the phrase "I NUT semEn" is awesome. (Photo courtesy of sister72 via flickr.com)

Because I LOVE hearing what I have to say (and I know that you do, too), I’m launching a new weekly feature on the blog: Ask the Everywhereist. It’s where you can ask me all the burning questions that keep you up at night. Questions such as: ‘Where can I find the best pizza in San Francisco?’ ‘Can I travel even if I’m on probation?’ And, ‘I heard that “pizza” is San Franciscan slang for blow job. That’s true, right?’

Of course, right now my readership currently consists of my husband (hi, baby!), Philip (hi, ass-face!), and occassionally Susan (hi, sweetie). And they all know the answers to those questions. So either they need to take on aliases, or the rest of you better get a-typing. Send your questions to contact-at-everywhereist-dot-com. Keep an eye out for my replies every Thursday, and the wrath of my readers sometime shortly afterwards.