Last month, Rand and I flew to Boise for the weekend to visit some friends, and ended up attending their daughter’s school fundraiser with them.

I know. Glamorous, right?  I got to hobnob with Idaho’s elite and get outbid on art created by 6-year-olds. In all fairness, the event was lovely (Ballgowns. Tuxedos. IDAHO. Do not ask more of life.) and when we left, we found that whoever was working coat check had placed little tubes of expensive hand cream everyone’s pockets. They smelled wonderful and looked like something you’d find in the regular-priced section of Anthropologie (which is literally the fanciest place I can think of). I realized they were TSA-compliant (less than 3oz) and they’d easily fit in my toiletry bag, so I figured I’d take them home with me.

Damn it. I just realized that I now can't re-gift these to any of my friends who read the blog. Poop.

 

Of course, I’d left my massive purse at coat check as well, but I didn’t think to look through it to see if anyone had slipped anything in there. I mean, why would they? Besides, my purse had been with my coat, and a lady only has so much lotion she can put on her skin before she gets the hose again.

When we got to the airport to head back to Seattle, Rand handed me my boarding pass, which I promptly misplaced (this a trait I inherited from my mother. She can literally lose something before you are done telling her the significance of whatever it is and why she shouldn’t lose it). I frantically began searching through my purse, and there, at the bottom of my huge satchel, I felt something.

“What the fuh …?”

It was a huge tube of lotion. Like, HUGE. Roughly twice the size of the other two that had been nestled in our coat pockets, and literally as BIG AS MY TOOTHPASTE:

The tube on the bottom is 4.7 oz, so I'm guessing the lotion is, oh, I'd know ... WAY OVER THE TSA LIMIT.

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That quarter is there not for scale, but rather because I like to show off my wealth.

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Now, obviously the folks at coat check had no idea that we were going to take a flight the very next day, and it was a lovely gesture to give us such a nice gift, but still. It seems like if you are going to start sneaking things into purses, you might want to give folks fair warning (Like, “There’s a surprise in your bag from us!” But you know, less sexual and creepy sounding). After all, my purse is roughly the size of a couch cushion. I can’t find things that I put in there, much less what someone else stashed without my knowledge.

I stood, just on the other side of airport security, somewhat freaked out. If I hadn’t lost my boarding pass (which I found, thankfully) and hadn’t rummaged into my purse, and hadn’t landed upon the huge tube of lotion, I might have found myself in a huge mess.

“Ma’am, is this hand cream yours?”

“What? No. I’ve never seen that before in my life.”

“It was in your bag.”

“It was what? Oh, yeah! I left my purse unattended last night. Someone must have put it in there without my knowledge or consent.”

At which point, an ill-tempered TSA agent would have treated me to a  a strip search and possibly a colonoscopy.

I know that the people at the event meant well. I know it was a nice gesture. And I truly love fancy hand creams and sweet smelling sundries (plus, dude, they’re pretty damn pricey). But still, Dick Move, Coat Check People. I don’t care how expensive health care is in this country. My next pelvic exam is coming from my doctor, and NOT from some underpaid agent working the security line.

Full list of categories:  Dick Move » WTF
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Comments (19)

  1. 21. Dec, 2011 / Natalcho @ Tomatoes Rock:

    Haha – that would have been a pretty bad situation – good that you found the lotion on time! I get that the coat checkers wanted to be nice and everything but it is still a bit creepy that they put things in your coat pockets, let alone your back! A true surprise though!

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  2. 21. Dec, 2011 / Nicole:

    I agree with (and that) Tomatoes Rock. I understand the nice gesture, but I don’t think they should go pocket bombing you and putting something in your purse. That’s just an invasion of privacy. They shouldn’t open your purse at all ever. Couldn’t they have just put the lotions in a basket and let people grab a few on their way out?
    “It puts the lotion in the basket”.

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  3. 21. Dec, 2011 / Philip:

    Let us know when you find the note that reads “We took $15 out of your wallet — well we didn’t have change so we just kept the 20. Enjoy!”

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  4. 21. Dec, 2011 / Matthew:

    Haha, I tend to misplace things as well….. I went through the security checkpoint to get on the boat to see the Statue of Liberty last summer, my wife gave me the boarding ticket and was holding it in my hand, and literally right after going through the metal detector and all, I looked at my hand and realized that my ticket was missing! Thank god it was perfectly alright and didn’t need the ticket anymore, cuz for a few seconds, I was freaking out, thinking I’d have to get another ticket and go through security allllll over again.

    Never did find the ticket, there’s some kind of Bermuda Triangle in the security line for the Statue of Liberty!

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  5. 21. Dec, 2011 / Xenia:

    How thoughtful and totally inappropriate of them!

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  6. 21. Dec, 2011 / Courtney:

    Wait, I’m still trying to figure out 1) what school fund raiser has a COAT CHECK?; 2) what school fundraiser gives out door (coat-check) prizes; 3) WTF, really, lotion in your purse as a surprise? I’d be all concerned that they stumbled across my tampon stash while placing the lotion in my purse…

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  7. 21. Dec, 2011 / Jeanette Jayne:

    Does anyone else feel that a lady’s purse is sacred and if that boundary is violated than you have the right to dispense whatever violent repercussion you deem appropriate? My personal favorite being water-boarding.

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  8. 22. Dec, 2011 / Emma:

    wow! still don’t get the motivation why someone should access you purse especially without your knowledge. I could be dangerous on another day

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  9. 22. Dec, 2011 / Claire:

    I’m with Jeanette a lady’s purse is sacred, I even think slipping it into pockets is borderline. I am a total type A who doesn’t play well with others so my views might be biased towards a very strong KEEP AWAY FROM MY STUFF ethic. Yes I understand it is suppose to be a nice surprise and all fun but stay the f*ck out of my purse.(looks like very nice hand cream though….)

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  10. 22. Dec, 2011 / Wurst:

    Wow, I am impressed how TSA made you having anxiety attackes just because of a lotion, which is a little oversize. They find it, so what? They have confiscated several Costco toothpastes from me in the past and nothing else happened. At least the TSA agents will always have enough toothpaste. One time he screened the aftershave lotion for any explosives and gave it back to me (“because this stuff is sooo expensive..”).

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    Everywhereist Reply:

    Well, given my history with them (they’ve dropped and destroyed a laptop of ours, while intimidating my husband so he wouldn’t file a claim, almost made us late for numerous trips, and ridiculed us repeatedly for opting out), I’d say that it’s a pretty reasonable reaction to worry about having too much lotion in my bag. They’ve done worse to us over far less.

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    Bryan Reply:

    A shoe could have destroyed many lives. A bottle of lotion?

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  11. 23. Dec, 2011 / MDS:

    What’s more…I (gender male) put that $hit on my hands and smelled like The Body Shop the rest of the day. In my defense the wrapping looked innocuous enough (I don’t read much) and damnit men’s hands need moisturizer too!

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  12. 26. Dec, 2011 / Cynthia:

    I had a tube of lotion in a pocket of my briefcase. Reached in one day and thought the cap had come off. Not wanting to waste the expensive cream I smeared it on my legs. Noticed a funny fragrance. Spearmint?? Turned out it was my melted Trident gum (I live in Florida and my briefcase had been in my trunk). All I could think of was that the concoction went on smoothly and made my legs look nice.

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    Everywhereist Reply:

    Note to self: alternate use for Trident.

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  13. 27. Dec, 2011 / Clair:

    Oh, poor you. Someone gave you nice smelling, pricey lotion without your consent. What a terrible end to 2011!

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    Everywhereist Reply:

    I know, I know. Life is hard. On the plus side, I’d have been all perfumed and lubed-up for my date with a TSA-agent in latex gloves. Mee-yow.

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  14. 28. Dec, 2011 / Sven Raphael Schneider:

    I definitely agree, they should have warned people and I also think it is a nice gesture though it does not strike me as super professional to open people’s purses bags or coat pockets without asking or at least prewarning – you never know, what’s in there that could be lost

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  15. 23. Jul, 2012 / Pete:

    I know I’m late to this post, but I’m wondering how many readers picked up this best-random-reference-to-lotion-ever-in-a-blog item: “…and a lady only has so much lotion she can put on her skin before she gets the hose again.” Genius.

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