Dick Move, Garden Center Lady

Posted on
Aug 18, 2009
Posted in: Dick Move, WTF

Okay, so first off, apologies for a dick move on my part: I realize that postings have been rather slow as of late, and I’m truly sorry if I’ve disappointed either of my readers (Hi, guys!). I’ve been rather busy, and totally blocked (seriously, I tried posting about my friends’ wedding roughly 4 times with no luck. That post has taken longer than Britney’s Vegas marriage.)

Fortunately, today gave me the sort of gem that I just had to write about.

I am currently spending a few days in Palo Alto while my husband meets with a couple of people to talk about whatever the hell it is he does again. After dropping him off at his meeting, I stumbled across the Elizabeth F. Gamble Garden Center, and decided to stop in.

It was a lovely little garden, and as I walked through, snapping photos, I saw that a dozen or so people were stationed around the park, painting and drawing flowers. I was thoroughly charmed. It was enough to make even my withered black heart happy.

And they had a bathroom, which was perfect, because I really had to go. As I was peaceably doing my business, someone got into the stall next to me and let out a sighing fart. I flushed, left my stall, and went to wash my hands.

Now keep in mind: I’m a bit fastidious. Coliform bacteria freaks me out. So do public bathrooms. So I decided to wash my hands after peeing. I know. I’m a lunatic. What can I say? As I was doing so, the woman in the other stall exited and started washing her hands, at which point we had the following exchange.

Crazy Bitch: (sweetly) You’re not from around here, are you?

Me: No, I’m not! How can you tell?

Crazy Bitch: (not so sweetly) You waste a lot of water. We have a shortage here. People from this area know not to be so wasteful.

Me: Oh …

I’m not really sure what I said at this point, because I kind of freaked out. I think I said something bullshit about how we recycle water back to the gardens where I’m from, or some other such nonsense that may or may not be true. I was still sort of in shock about the whole thing. But I did remember how we concluded.

Me: Well, I’ll try to watch how much water I use.

Crazy Bitch: Thank you. I’d appreciate it.

Of course, in reality, I kind of wanted to say either of the following:

  1. Dude. After the dump I took, you’re lucky I’m not bathing in here.
  2. Well, you can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.
  3. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Instead, I did what any reasonable adult would do. I took photos of her as she got into her Mercedes, knowing I’d blog about it later:

I hope you choke on your feelings of self-satisfaction, you miserable whore.

I hope you choke on your feelings of self-satisfaction, you miserable whore.

… because it was (say it with me, kids!) A DICK MOVE, GARDEN CENTER LADY!

Leave a Comment

  • No license plate number? I’m a little disappointed. If you’re going to be passive-aggressively vindictive, at least go all the way.
    Great sunflower picture, though.

  • Andy Davis

    Wow – having lived in both Seattle and San Francisco Bay Area – that seems like more the kind of crap (no pun intended) I’d get in Seattle next to a compost sorting area for recyclables. It’s tough to say between KnittingNeedleLady and GardenCenterLady, which one is more of a bitch…

    But GardenCenterLady’s more aggressive and obnoxious approach definitely goes beyond. I often find myself saying the “right” thing to these type of creeps, but then thinking of much more creative things I would have LIKED to say later. And I like your list. She looks like quite a gem in the pic too – would love to get her 411.

    • Geraldine

      Andy –

      You are right – it is a very “Seattle” thing to have happened. But I promise you, as a Seattlite, I’d have been just as angry if it had happened here. 🙂

  • Apparently they have a surfeit of fossil fuels, however. Dick move, Garden Center Lady who then got into her giant luxury car and used a gallon of gas turning it on.

    Also, black coffee and a cigarette usually helps with the blockage. Unless I misunderstood what you meant by being “blocked.”

  • Pingback: The Everywhereist » Blog Archive » A little more than 24 hours in Palo Alto and San Francisco()

  • Pingback: The Everywhereist » Blog Archive » The Dickest Move of them all.()

  • Pingback: » Happy Birthday, Everywhereist.com » The Everywhereist()

  • Nekia

    I am currently stalking all of your old posts & I must say.. I truly love this one.

  • Jen

    Ummm. I was taught to wash my hands fully, with soap, everytime i used the bathroom. Cause it’s sanitary. Some people don’t. They be nasty!

More from The Blog

On Instagram @theeverywhereist

  • It's hard for me to even begin to describe Rand's Uncle Doig. During the war, Rand's grandmother Ruth and her father were trying to flee Europe. They got stuck in England, where her Jewish-Austrian father was mistaken for a German, and thus an enemy combatant. He was sent to a POW camp and Ruth was adopted by an English family - Doig's family. (She and her father would be reunited after the war.) Now in his 90s, Doig remains a keeper of family lore, a hopeless romantic, and a wonderful flirt.
  • "Jeff Goldblum? I haven't heard that name in years."
  • Video games are riveting. And confusing.
  • Green tea latte and 70 degrees at 7am. We're reached peak southern California, friends.
  • So awkward that the two loves of my life would meet like this. #jeffgoldblum
  • These are a few of my favorite things.
  • The torrential rains gave way to ... slightly less rain? Alas.
  • I don't even know how to describe how lovely this place is. #edinburghcastle #edinburgh #scotland
  • Aaaand then the sun came out and everything was beautiful. #scotland #edinburgh
  • Scotland, I'd really love to explore, but I'm getting the feeling you want me to stay in and do some work today.

All Over The Place

Buy my book and I promise I'll never ask you for anything again.

BE AWESOME. BUY IT.