Recently, I posted something to Facebook. Despite appearances to the contrary, I really was thinking in general terms, and not a specific person. Here was my status:

Don't ask me why I insist on blacking out my name, when you all know everything about me.

Okay, fine, maybe, just maybe, I was referring to someone I know. Still, I regret nothing. I am resentful and vindictive. This should not come as a surprise. Anyhoodle, my friend Skye, who is talented and wise, quickly chimed in:

My logic seems to imply that a state of shared douchebaggery lowers the rate of divorce.

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At this point, my dear little cousin Val jumped in. For the record, she is lovely. I’ve mentioned this before. Here she is:

Yeah, I know - she's annoyingly gorgeous.

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And as a reminder, here I am:

It's okay. I'm good at other things.

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The moral of this photographic story is that recessive genes are a total bitch. But I digress. Val and I are Facebook friends, and our posts to one another are very often in Italian. Despite the fact that her English is nearly flawless, my liberal use of slang is confusing to her. And so, when she saw my post about douchebags, she politely requested clarification:

Okay - the word "douchebag" interspersed with her Italian just kills me.

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Since most of you probably don’t speak Italian, and don’t want to bother typing all of that into Google Translate, allow me to do it for you:

Val: Forgive my ignorance, but doesn’t “douchebag” mean vaginal douche? Precisely how can two douches mate?

And, well, she has a point. It inevitably led to this exchange …

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Here’s the translated version:

Me: Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha. Val, you are right, but “douchebag” can also mean an asshole.

Val: Under what criteria can you equate a vaginal douche with an asshole???????? I am learning so much.

Me: Languages are complicated.

Val: No … People are complicated.

My mom: (non sequitor) Hi, pretty girls!

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Aaaaaaaaand Scene!

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Full list of categories:  Lost in Translation
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Comments (7)

  1. 1
    Deanna says:

    Exchanges like that make me realize that it might be premature to do a Logan’s Run-type cleansing of my FB list (except over 45 instead of over 30). There’s just enough funny interspersed with the annoying. :)

  2. 2
    Philip says:

    Aw, but you’re pretty on the inside. No, wait …

    That exchange with your cousin fills me with glee.

    I heard John Oliver (on the Daily Show) refer to someone as a “douche nozzle” once, which I found even more insulting than calling someone a douche bag.

    • 2.1
      Everywhereist says:

      Philip – indeed. The specificity of the insult is what makes it.

      As for being pretty on the inside, we all know that’s a lie. I’m quasimodo on the inside. But inside of THAT … I am marginally tolerable.

      But my bro sent me a delightful tweet which reminded me of the time Bart tells Lisa “As your brother, this is the hardest thing I ever had to say … you’re not ugly.”

  3. 3
    Kristy says:

    I’ve always been especially fond of “douche canoe”

  4. 4
    Bhavya says:

    Can we have more of this? A Facebook play in a couple of acts, maybe?

  5. 5
    Theodora says:

    Aw, I do love multilingual people. Not being one myself. I laughed out loud at this. Thanks.

  6. 6
    Gray says:

    Oh thank you so much, Geraldine, I got the biggest laugh out of this exchange!

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