Dear Homeland Security: People with different last names CAN be related
posted February 2nd, 2010
Maiden name: Lotsa
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Dear Dept. of Homeland Security;
First off, allow me to congratulate you on the reactionary and absurd measures you’ve taken to keep us “safe”. Kudos on that. Also, the continuing ability of your workers to single out female travelers and drive them to tears is nothing short of amazing. Of course, I can only speak of my own experiences (and stories heard from friends), but nevertheless, good job on that.
However, there is an issue that I feel I need to bring up with you. We seem to keep having a nasty little run in every time I want to come into the United States. Because, for some reason, your employees don’t want to acknowledge the validity of my marriage to my lovely husband, simply because I decided not to take the last name “Fishkin.” Yeah. Call me crazy for passing that one up.
The whole situation has become a bit bothersome.
Every time we return to the states from another country, my husband and I fill out those little customs cards. You know, the ones that ask if we’ve been to a farm or if we’re carrying butterfly pupae up our anuses or whatever? We do so, diligently, and each time we trip up when we see the line, “only one form per household.”
Because, see, we tend to think that when you say, “one form per household,” you mean that one form is required per household. You can understand our confusion.
The first time we had any problems was before we were married. We asked the flight attendants on the plane if we needed two forms, explaining that we lived together and had different last names. They told us we needed just one form, but out of paranoia, I filled out another. When we went through passport control, the gentleman there kindly told us we didn’t need two forms – so he only initialed Rand’s, and let us through.
We then went to get our bags, and went to the final checkpoint, where the TSA-hole looked at our passports, and Rand’s initialed form.
“Where’s yours?” he asked.
“Oh, I was told that since we’re in the same household, we just needed one.”
“No. Where’s yours?”
“I don’t have one – I was told – ”
“Ma’am, I DON’T CARE what you were told, unless you have your own form, you aren’t going anywhere.”
Nice. So he sent me back up the stairs, where they first told me I didn’t need my own form. And then, when I asked them to sign my form, they said again, “But it’s only one per household.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, TSA? DOES THE LEFT NUT REALLY NOT KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT NUT IS DOING?
Err … sorry. The point is, I was actually able to point down to the guy who wouldn’t let me in, and said, “It might be one form per household, but that guy won’t let me into the country unless you sign this.”
They did, begrudgingly. Since then, we’ve gotten hitched, but I haven’t changed my name. Some TSA agents understand this, and let us through (I suspect they would have let us consider ourselves one household even if we weren’t hitched). Others demand that we each have our own form, even though we have the exact same address on each. They look at our different names, and have even advised me to change mine.
Wow. Thanks, TSA. Because your employees are too moronic to tell that PEOPLE WITH DIFFERENT LAST NAMES ARE RELATED, I should change my name? Sure. That seems fair.
Another TSA-hole told Rand that since his first name is technically the letter “S” (long, long story), he should change it, as it made his passport look suspicious.
Again, I must ask, are you fucking kidding me, TSA? Because apparently you are fine with some lunatic smuggling a bomb in his nutsack, but your brains start to fart when two married people have different last names? Or someone has an initial that doesn’t stand for anything? Congrats. By those standards you’d have detained Maria Shriver and Harry S. Truman.
Not that you morons know who those people are or were.
Sincerely,
The Everywhereist
Tags: Air Travel, TSA
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:48 am
One time at Home Depot, I was looking for an AC unit that could fit in our upstairs window. It was a slider window. An employee suggested I remove the slider window and install a double hung window. That way, $1,100.00 later, a $350.00 AC unit would fit in there. Yeah. I’m pretty sure he works for TSA now.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:07 am
Remind me to never travel with you. It makes for fun reading but you seem to be a magnet for all the petty martinets in the travel industry. Lucky!
I was braced for a fight on our last trip, what with three of us traveling on four passports and nary a matching last-name to be had, and we breezed out and back without incident.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:58 am
I suppose things will really hit the fan after Rand and I get our Italian passports (which, I swear, I will do this year).
February 2nd, 2010 at 11:41 am
love this post and it’s why if I see you at SES London I’ll be talking to you ‘cos you’re funny and witty and not ‘cos you’re married to the lovely Rand – and you’ve travelled a lot
February 2nd, 2010 at 12:10 pm
What a hassle. I’m always afraid to fill out the reentry form – not because I’ve done anything wrong, but just because I feel like they’re trying to pin SOMETHING on me. (What that is, I don’t know.) On the last international flight, they didn’t have any forms in English, and I had to fill out a Spanish form. Not easy when you don’t speak a lick of the language.
February 2nd, 2010 at 1:40 pm
Not only that, but the left nut doesn’t always know what it’s doing itself..
We had a similarish problem at the first desk (the immigration one) and my wife went back to the head of the line with a separate form (that I’d filled out “just in case”). But the customs folks were okay with just one customs form for both of us.. it’s madness. I think they design the system this way to get everyone’s nerves on edge in case they need to interrogate them or work out who shouldn’t be there.
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Ditto what JoAnna said. I feel like those things are designed to entrap. Maybe it’s my damned latent Catholicism making me think there is surely something I should feel guilty about.
Of course on the aforementioned trip abroad, the agent at the end of the line (the one who takes the declaration form) was initialing them with a purple crayon. Seriously. Like he couldn’t find a pen on his way out of the house and just grabbed whatever his kid left on the kitchen table. That’s some professional-grade border protection.
February 2nd, 2010 at 3:26 pm
We all know that the morons at the TSA couldn’t spot a terrorist even if one was walking around with a big sign on their back saying “kick me I’m a terrorist”…..so instead they pick on people who look like they could possibly be intimidated….or the ones who look SO innocent that it MUST be an act and they’re guilty of SOMETHING……so maybe you fall into one of those two categories?
Here’s another thing you could try: As you approach immigration, pretend to have an argument with Rand – really, a fake argument, not loud, but not too subtle. If anyone hassles you, tell them in a pissy voice to deal with your “idiot husband” (sorry Rand, but is IS just an act)….it never fails when I’m coming back into the country I see couples arguing (why, I have no idea, you’d think they’d be relaxed after a nice vacation), but these arguing couples NEVER get hassled – they mostly get waived thru quickly because no one wants to hear them arguing. The security morons will KNOW you’re married then….
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:28 pm
WTF! Isn’t it more common these days to have two different last names?! Seems to be. Bunch of losers.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:00 pm
Maybe I should just start fighting with my hubby … that might work.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:32 am
If you think that’s fun, try traveling with your partner when they not only have a different last name, but also a different nationality!
(highly NOT recommended)
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:49 am
“TSA-hole” lol, I love that right there. I really think that TSA is simply a way for the US to look like they are doing something. Heck, on my flight 2 days after the attempted x-mas bombing I was given metal cutlery on my flight back to the USA from Peru, yet I can’t take nail clippers. Maybe just a photocopy of your marriage certificate, with you, Rand and ther certificate they should be able to piece it all together.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:27 am
I’m guessing that the TSA officers either: (a) haven’t received training on what to do in this situation, or (b) have forgotten their training and sometimes err on the side of making both of you fill out a form so they don’t get egg on their face for letting a potential terrorist through. Think about it: What if you’re really from Dateline: NBC or some other show doing under-cover work to show how shoddy TSA is about making people declare things.
I recommend the following:
1. Carry a copy of your marriage license with you when you travel abroad. A friend of mine does this, and it’s helped him immensely. He and his wife each made shrunken-down copies and had them laminated so they don’t crumple easily.
2. Just in case, go ahead and fill out two forms. This will save you from having to go back if you run into an over-zealous TSA agent.
3. Always assume that something will go wrong when you go through customs. This way you’ll be less frustrated when something goes wrong (after all, they’re living up to your expectations), and you’ll always be pleased when everything goes smoothly.
4. Get your darned Italian passports already! This probably won’t help you with the TSA. I just think it’s totally awesome that you are in the position to have TWO countries’ passports. Most of us aren’t so fortunate.
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:36 am
Christine – I am so going to shrink and laminate my wedding license. That is a friggin great idea. Also, yes, I will get off my duff and get my Italian passport. I feel super lucky that I’m actually eligible for it (those Italians will give a passport to anyone, basically
Kelsey – I cannot even imagine how potentially horrible/racist/stupid the TSA could be to the two of you. But if you have any good stories, we want to hear them.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:17 pm
Actually, we’ve never re-entered the US by plane together before, but we did re-enter by car from Canada once, and while I was just asked for my passport, my partner, who is French, was given the 9th degree, asked questions about his childhood, etc. To complicate things further, while his passport is French, it was issued in…Botswana (he used to live there). I swear, you can see the gears turning in the custom officers’ heads.