Pitch, Please: I Respond to More Emails That I Should Probably Ignore

Posted on
Feb 24, 2014

After the delightful success of my email conversations with Ted (spoiler: we’re now totally besties, and talking about gelato), and all the fun I had last time I replied to PR pitches and the like, I decided to respond to a few more emails that I probably shouldn’t have.

I’m starting to think I have too much time on my hands.

These are actual emails (or portions thereof) that I have received, with my replies listed beneath them (yes, these were emails I really sent.) No one has written back, except for the last guy, and I’m guessing he wishes he hadn’t.

———————————————–

Hello Sir/Madam,

A very good Afternoon to you! It was a great pleasure to read your blog http://www.everywhereist.com/. I believe the articles which I have on “Travel, Tour, Holiday ” will certainly grab the attention of your visitors. So, I am really eager to know whether you will be interested enough to accept the articles as guest posts. You can also provide me other topics if you want to.

 

Hi Simon,

That whole sir/madam thing is causing me an existential crisis.

Thanks. A. Lot.

Sincerely,
WHO AM I?

 

———————————————–

(Note: I received this next email from a company that does god-knows-what. Their email included the following explanation: “It is an American company that operates an Internet shopping and CashBack.”

I READ THAT FIVE TIMES AND STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.)

 

Hello Geraldine!

Thank you that we have become followers.
You have beautiful pictures, twit and comments.
We wanted to know if you would take a few minutes to introduce you to something exciting!
Which is also surprised us!
Please think about tweeting us and send us feedback!

 

Thank you. I also like my twit.

But I can’t work with you because I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.

 

———————————————–

Hey,

Just a quicky. Your blog excites me! it’s a great looking and well kept blog. Unusual these days!

Anyway, I’m part of a team of rockstar bloggers and I blog for lots of brands. We are always on the lookout for good site placements for those blogs and yours fits the bill!

 

Weird. Last time someone requested a “quickie” and told me that something I did “excited” them, things went in an entirely. different. direction.

Anywho, I am curious as to how you balance a career as a rockstar and a blogger. I don’t play any instruments. But sometimes my husband plays the ukulele. Which I find exciting.

And then sometimes we have a quickie.

 

———————————————–

Hi http://everywhereist.com/,

I’m writing to you to submit an idea I’ve had for a great piece of content that I think will fit in well on your site. 

…  I’ve attached the article to this email, and if you’re interested in using it, email me back, and we can discuss things further.

 

Hi Jennifer!

You can call me Geraldine. “http://everywhereist.com” is just the name on my birth certificate and driver’s license.
My husband says I’m not allowed to open any more attachments. Can you please record a video of yourself reading the article out loud, and post it to YouTube? I can then see if it would work for my site.

Also, please include an in-depth description any photos you might want to include. But don’t actually include the photos in the video, okay? Because I’m pretty sure they would be considered video attachments, and my husband wouldn’t want me to open them.
Thanks,

G

———————————————–

My name is Jonathan (redacted) and I work for (redacted). (Redacted) is a handbag and jewelry company that sells product in 8 countries around the world. The reason that I am writing you is I saw that you are allowing guest posts from this page on your website.

(Note from Geraldine: The post he mentions wasn’t a guest submission. I wrote it.)


Hi Jonathan!

I am currently allowing guest posts on the following:

Dale Midkiff
: Why Doesn’t He Ever Wear Midriffs? (Seems like that would be a given.)

Cats That Look Like Orson Welles

Things That I Have Personally Eaten That Are Not Food

If you wrote a blog post on any of those topics, I would be happy to include a link to this.

Hugs,

G

———————————————–

Soo, this last one requires a bit of explanation. Basically, two people sent me some spammy guest post requests within about 30 seconds of on another. So I told each of them to follow up with the other person. One of them never replied, but here’s the exchange I had with the other guy:

 

Hi Geraldine,

Hope you are doing fine. We had a conversation about guest post & you asked me to forward the article to (redacted)@gmail.com email id. I did the same but got no reply. Can you please tell me if you have received my article ?

That’s really weird. I’d like to get her feedback on it. Please try emailing her again.

 

Hi Geraldine,

I just send her follow up email. Can you please ask her from your side as well ?

Looking Forward

Warmly,

James

I would try to flood her inbox – sometimes that’s how I get a hold of her. I send her about a dozen emails over the course of a day, and she usually replies after the 10th or 11th one. Also, try writing in all caps. It will help communicate the urgency of the situation.

 

(I never heard from him again.)

———-

Pretty sure I’m a terrible human being. It’s fantastic. I highly recommend you try it.

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