Take Go-gurt, for example. Did we really need a faster way to consume yogurt? Were a bunch of people really sitting around thinking, “Well, we love yogurt, but it just takes so long to eat … is there a way we could leverage Otter Pop technology so we can get those calories faster?”

Or those commercials where the chickens want to be mistaken for ones from Foster Farms. Why, oh, dear lord, why do those poor chickens want to be eaten so badly? Is it some sort of sick death wish?

And when did people start wearing really thick tights in place of pants? Also, how did blue raspberry become a thing? I have never seen a blue raspberry in my life. Never.

It’s just that … I simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

But perhaps what mystifies me more than mutant berries and suicidal poultry are my fellow travelers. Time and time again I find myself on planes with people whose actions confound me. I try to understand a scenario in which their behaviors make sense: are they first-time flyers? Drunk? Sociopaths? Or do they know I am watching them and are simply trying to screw with me? (If it’s the latter … well, done. Well done.)

I can’t really say. But they constantly do things that have me hissing, “Why? Dear god, WHY?” while gently ramming my thumbs into my eye-sockets.

And yet, I’m truly grateful to them. Because their antics provide me with hours of free in-flight entertainment and tons of material for my blog.

And so, for this WTF Wednesday, I present the 12 most baffling airplane passengers I’ve encountered in real life. This is the sort of stuff – along with the enduring appeal of Dave Matthews – that keeps me up at night (and if these are the biggest battles I have, then I’m a lucky gal indeed).

1. The person who brings nothing on the plane with them. Absolutely nothing. I don’t getit. What are they going to do when they finish the in-flight magazine? No, no, DON’T START TALKING TO ME. Unless you know where blue raspberries come from. That is information I need to have.
   

   Don't tell me you're going to stare at the natural beauty outside your window for three hours ... because that's just twisted.

   -

2. People who use the lavatory while barefoot. I hate to tell them the truth, but here it is: not every drop of liquid on the bathroom floor is water. Actually, I suspect most of it isn’t.
3. Fliers who unhook their seatbelts the moment the captain indicates that they may do so. As though they are suddenly not traveling at hundreds of miles an hour, tens of thousands of feet high in the sky.
4. Folks who try to recline their chairs when sitting in front of an exit row. They are Don Quixote, feebly chasing after windmills. The look on their face when the flight attendant explains that their seat does not recline is nothing short of devastating. I feel for them, I really do. But how have they never heard of SeatGuru?
5. Individuals who get exasperated at other people’s crying babies. Oh, the shock! The horror! An infant who is crying. Clearly this is the first time that has ever happened in the history of time.
   

   A crying child? Who ever HEARD of such a thing?!

    -

6. Economy passengers who glare at the people in first class. Really? You’re jealous of the guy who’s spent so much of his life in the air that he now gets the privilege of a cup of warm cashews and a few extra inches of legroom in exchange for missing his daughter’s fifth birthday? Right. That makes sense. Glare away.
   

   You get fancy soup and a cheese plate, but your spouse is probably gonna leave you.

   -

7. Anyone who tries to move around the cabin when beverages are being served. They always seem so genuinely shocked that they can’t squeeze around a cart that is designed to take up the entire aisle. In a way, I understand: I’m still trying to squeeze my aisle-wide hips into skinny jeans.
8. The guy who willingly offers to gate check his bag after he’s dragged it all the way on to the plane. I bet he was the sort of kid who reminded his teachers to assign homework on a Friday. He will one day rule the world, and we will resent him for it.
9. IPad owners who spend their flight watching nothing but reruns of Two and a Half Men. Monsters, the lot of them.
10. Folks who bring fast food onto the plane. The idea is to bring something more appetizing than airline food. (Also, to the woman on my flight who unwrapped a Whopper within 10 minutes of departure and slowly ingested it over the course of 45 minutes, leaving the whole cabin wreaking of onions: You, madame, are a sadist.)
    

    The "meat" was so tough I broke my fork on it, and the flight attendant got exasperated when I asked for another one.

    -

11. Fashionistas. Yes, you look amazing. But it took you 45 minutes to get through security, and now your feet are too swollen to fit into your Alexander McQueen hoof shoes so you are headed to the lavatory barefoot. God help us all.
12. Anyone who manages to sleep on a flight. Please, for the love of mankind, teach me how.
    

    To this day, we still talk about this guy.

You, no doubt, have seen some equally weird stuff while traveling, right? Please don’t hesitate to share your stories in the comments section below. And seriously, if anyone can explain Go-gurt, email me. I need to understand.

Fortunately, Angela has decided to share some of her wisdom with the rest of us slackers. Here are her tips for any traveler who wants to see the world with their little one along for the ride. (And yes, she manages to make it all look easy. She has a sickening knack for that sort of thing.)

—————

Hear ye, hear ye, all brave parents venturing into the great unknown with offspring in tow! I’ve been there and back … and lived to tell the tale. Here are the convictions I brought home as souvenirs. If you’re a fellow jet-set mom or dad, I humbly offer them up to you.

Let us remain strong in our conviction to give our children the experience, education, and memories that only travel can bring.

Live long and travel! (That’s for you, Geraldine.)

We’re as exhausted as she is. We're just better at not admitting it.

 -

1. Recognize that travel doesn’t necessarily mean “relaxing” any more.
   Long gone are the days when we could go out for a late dinner and drinks, sleep in until noon, sightsee, and do it all over again. Now we have people relying on us—people with minute-by-minute needs. That doesn’t mean, however, that we can’t still carve out relaxing moments.
   

   Sunset cocktail, anyone?

   -

   For instance, each evening at 5:00pm, my daughter and I would have a “sunset cocktail hour.” I’d pour her a sippy cup of milk (and me a glass of wine), and we’d lounge on the deck, enjoying the view together. What started out as a way to keep her sated before dinner while I took a breather became one of my favorite memories of the trip.

   You simply need to get creative. Relaxation is still possible, even if it’s no longer prevalent.

   

   My villa-mate shares a rare restful moment with her 3 month old.

   -

2. Ignore the naysayers.
   My husband and I were committed to taking our daughter to St. John, a pilgrimage of sorts. It would require two 5-hour flights each way. That was out of our hands. Our first flight was a red-eye. That was out of our hands. We simply hoped beyond hope that our 18-month-old would be tired enough to sleep. Unfortunately, that was out of our hands, too.
   

   She is the one who will not be tamed ...

   -
   As soon as we sat down on that first flight (our daughter was happy and quiet at this point, mind you), the person one up and over in 26E—a petite, black-haired witch of a woman—repeatedly peeked from beneath her sleep mask to give us the stink-eye. Let me tell you: That doesn’t do much to calm your nerves when you’re already edgy about your toddler’s upcoming 12+ hours of travel.

   

   This isn't what her mask said. But it should've been.

   -
   Two hours later, when our child was screaming bloody murder, wouldn’t you know it: 26E leans over and starts offering suggestions of what we should do. Then I jumped over my husband, ripped off her mask, and crammed it into her pursed, thoughtless little mouth.

   Okay, I only did that in my head. But the lesson is: There will always be naysayers. People who balk at the idea of you taking a trip at all. People who grumble on the airplane. People who roll their eyes at the restaurant. Ignore them all. Or smile. Or shove something down their throat. But whatever you do, don’t let them deter you.

3. You can do more than you think you can.
   It was the last day of our trip, and I found myself swimming with a car seat in the ocean. Yes, you heard me right. See?
   

   When I envisioned a family trip, this was definitely not a part of it.

   -
   Our daughter had puked on the winding road to the remote beach. We pulled over, and my husband’s trigger-happy gag reflex threatened to double our troubles. I sat, horrified, staring at my daughter for a few frozen seconds, during which I formed a plan. The coup de grace of this plan? A half-mile hike to and from the ocean for a morning car seat swim. Half an hour later, we were having fun in the sun—and a good laugh. The only evidence of our challenge was a car seat drying out on the beach, much to the hilarious astonishment of passersby.

   When it comes to traveling with a newborn, infant, toddler, child, teenager, or any combination of the above: you CAN do it. We saw a couple 5- and 7-year-old boys and 2-year-old twins. Those poor parents were outnumbered 2-to-1! And guess what? They were STILL having fun. You’d be amazed what you can do when it’s required and what can turn out to be fun (or at the very least funny, if only in retrospect).

4. Cheer each other on.
   Leaving the beach after the car seat incident, a darling older woman placed a hand on my elbow (contrary to Geraldine’s Florida encounter, this is still a kind gesture). Then she looked me in the eyes, and said, “You’re doing great.” I needed that. And when a kind stranger goes out of their way to tell you that, you believe it.
   

   You don't need to be this ecstatic about it. Just a little pat and "good job" will do.

   -

   Similarly, on the first plane home, even after sitting next to our crying, over-tired baby for hours, our seatmate assured me, “You guys are doing a great job.”

   Wow. So much relief, power, and confidence transferred through such simple words. Going forward, I’m going do this for other parents, too. The effect has much more potential for positive results than the sleep mask glares of Miss 26E.

   Remember to cheer on your spouse, too. Just knowing someone is in the same boat and sees and appreciates all you’re doing can make a huge difference on your outlook.

5. Be flexible.
   

   Our (almost criminally) adorable travel-mates.

   -
   We rented a house with two other sets of parents, friends of ours, each with 3-month-old babies. In case you don’t have kids and don’t know this (or have them and have forgotten), infants and toddlers are on completely different schedules. Infants sleep and eat every two hours or so, and all they require for a bed is two arms. Toddlers, however, are conscious of certain expected times for food and sleep. They’re also far less likely to doze contentedly while a parade of cruise-ship-bound snorkelers flap past your beach tent.

   

   Miracle upon miracle, Szaba sleeps! Baby Faris shows his support.

   -
   Granted, we did our best to make our daughter comfortable, but we weren’t willing to sacrifice rare vacation experiences to get her back home in her Pack ‘n’ Play at 11:00am. By being flexible and sticking with our group of friends on beach days, my husband and I could take turns, one watching her while the other checked out a bale of sea turtles with a snorkeling buddy, for instance.

6. Recognize that flexibility has consequences.
   As good as a child may be, there will be moments when all this flexibility catches up with them: a meltdown at a late dinner, a “Get this sand off of me!” tantrum on the beach, you get the picture.
   

   Moments before Szaba’s fancy restaurant meltdown. Notice the look of parental survival mode creeping over my husband’s face.

   -
   Contrary to what you may feel in that moment—heck, you might be tired, grumpy, and hungry at that point, too—your child isn’t trying to ruin your vacation or make things harder for you. It’s simply their way, as human beings who can’t personally make sure their needs are met, to communicate what their needs are. They have no choice but to depend on us as parents (even to their own annoyance at times). Keeping calm is the best tool in your arsenal. They can sense frustration, and that only makes things worse. Remember: You’re on vacation! Meet their needs as best you can, take a fresh look at the beauty all around you, and carve out some happy time (alone or with your spouse) to regroup and reset.

7. Downgrade your cleanliness standards.
   

   If you knew what was happening in this picture, you wouldn't think it was so cute.

   -
   This one is a hard one for me, I’ll admit. But when your child is writhing on the airplane floor in a sleep-deprived fit and finds—and then, oh god, proceeds to eat—a cookie she dropped hours before, there’s not much you can do but go with it. When your child decides it’s funny to scoop up chlorinated, bug-speckled pool water with her shovel and drink it, it’s already done. Go with it. Sure, it’s gross, and you’d never catch me doing those things, but they’re kids. They’re clueless. They’re resilient. They’ll live. And you’ll save yourself a lot of unnecessary stress by resigning yourself to that fact.

8. Give your electronics a vacation, too.
   

   "Words With Friends" ... over the Intenet ... with friends right beside you.

   -
   Sure, it’s tempting to keep that camera poised for the next scrapbook-worthy moment or to text your Facebook friends each vacation play-by-play. But if these devices are your focus, you’re missing it. If you don’t live in the moment now, when are you going to? Realize, revitalize, relax. Step away from those battery-powered temptresses. Embrace the rarity of this fleeting moment. See the joy on your baby’s face when she’s learning to kick in the pool. Hear the creak of the hammock, rocking in time with the ocean waves. Feel the sun on your skin, igniting old hopes and shedding light on new ideas. Witness what it is to be alive, and be thankful for it all.

   

   All the work was well worth it for a few moments with my baby like this.

   -

9. Congratulate yourself on a job well done. 
   Being a parent can be tough. Traveling can be tough. Put the two together, and you have a daunting challenge. BUT IT’S WORTH IT. I would even argue that it makes you a better parent. So get out there! See the world! Don’t be afraid. You and your child are destined for many amazing, funny, gross, and unexpected things out in this great big world of ours. Life is a pilgrimage, and vacations are some of the most memorable, triumphant moments along the way.-
10. Start planning the next trip.

—————

Want to learn more about Angela’s trip? Read her full post about tips for visiting St. John on MyCastleHeart.com!

The other day, Rand and I were talking to one another, which is something we do when we aren’t sleeping, eating, or staring mindlessly at our keyboards (Yup. Our lives are full of romance. ENVY US). I can’t seem to retrace the steps of the conversation to how we got where we did, but at one point, I said one of those crazy, unprecendented statements that causes everyone to pause and reflect on how weird the discussion has become.

It was not precisely this, but something like it:

“I’m just saying, it’s hard to watch the ballet of manhood that is NFL football and not objectify the players like cheap pieces of meat.”

At which point my husband stared blankly at me and said, “I don’t think that combination of words has been uttered together before by anyone.”

This got me to thinking about other combinations of words that had never been uttered together – at least, not in certain contexts. Like, all the seemingly not-that-unusual combinations of words that I have never, ever said in relation to commercial flying. I’ve never commented on how I well prepared I was for a trip. Or how my in-flight magazine was positively riveting. In fact, I was able to come up with a whole boatload of expressions that never left my mouth when talking about air travel:

1. Oh, thank goodness. I have the middle seat! I LOVE THE MIDDLE SEAT.
2. Man, this food is delicious.
   

   It tasted better after I seasoned it with the salt of my tears.

   -

3. These security measures are so darn efficient.
4. That TSA agent was as gentle as she was attractive. (Note: I can actually see how this could be said, albeit not in a complimentary way).
   

   Rand getting gently caressed.

   -

5. The stranger who is seated next to me is being incredibly respectful of my personal space.
6. He also smells wonderful.
7. Aww, did you see all the wonderful people who jumped up to help that woman place her bag in the overhead compartment? Humanity is great.
8. I love flying. We should do MORE of it.
9. You know, they really give you TOO much legroom.
10. I can’t believe how little we paid for these tickets.
11. I think wearing just socks to the airplane lavatory is a great idea!
12. Yay! We landed early AND we have a gate!

I know, I know. I probably sound like a spoiled brat. Hell, I AM a spoiled brat. I have it easy. I get to travel the world, and I get to do it with him:

-

He always helps me with my bag. He always offers to take the middle seat. And he smells really, really good. My life is pretty charmed. I can’t complain. In fact, I’ll never whine about air travel again!

Actually, no, that’s not true. Never complain about air travel again? I … I really can’t believe I said that.

Though really, more often than not, Rand or I will glance at our shocking un-photogenic mugs and say to the other, “You are the only person on the planet who will ever find me attractive.” (Which is perfectly okay, kids. You only need one near-sighted fool to think you’re pretty.)

Given the number of self-portraits I’ve taken, and the limited complete and utter lack of talent I possess for photography, I’ve learned a thing or two. Here’s my list of dos and don’ts for mastering those tricky one-armed self-portrait shots, and making sure that all of your chins are displayed in the best light.

1. Do make all subjects are clearly visible. And that you aren’t, say, covering your long-suffering spouse’s adorable mug with your own ginormous head. Which is made even MORE ginormous by a hat.
   -
   

   This is Rand's "I'm not amused" eye.

   -

2. Do figure out what your best angle is. For me, it’s my left side.
   -
   

   The downside of this is that nearly all our vacation self-portraits are IDENTICAL.

   -
   I repeat, MY LEFT SIDE, and not, say, straight-on, which gives me the distinct impression of looking like one of those troll dolls that were all the rage in middle school.

   

   Fact: under that hood is a poof of neon pink hair.

   -

3. Do make sure everyone in the photo is conscious.
   -
   

   I am going to be in such trouble for this photo. And yet, I have no regrets.

   -

4. Do invite other people into your shot, because with any luck, one of them will look like a pirate.
   -
   

   "Arrrgh!"

   -

5. Do try to find an interesting background.
   -
   

   I don't know why this photo makes me laugh so much. I think it's how smug I look. "NYAH NYAH NYAH! I have skin and you don't!"

   -

6. Don’t worry about taking photos at funky angles. Holding your camera high and tilted is a great way to avoid double chins. Which isn’t a problem if you are as stunning as my aunt (grumble, grumble).
   -
   

   She's not a blood relation, so it's not like I can inherit any of those fantastic genes, anyway.

   -

7. Don’t forget to adjust your focus.
   -
   

   Barcelona? I don't remember too much about that trip. THINGS GOT KINDA FUZZY! (Ba-dum-dum!)

   -

8. Don’t pay so much attention to how you look that you crop out something important.
   -
   

   I may not have a double chin but what does that matter when I CUT OFF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY'S ARM?

   -

9. Don’t over-expose yourself (I mean camera-exposure. Though you probably want to avoid having a nip-slip, too). At such a close range, it’s easy to look washed out by the flash.
   -
   -
10. Don’t zoom in too closely.  You’ll scare the children.
    -
    

    Now you know what your goldfish feels like.

    -

So take my advice. Or don’t. Because you know what? It doesn’t matter. Sometimes you’re left with a blurry vacation photo because a dark-haired boy with twinkly eyes just swept you off your feet.

And when you see it, all you can think is, “Man. That’s a great picture.”

I spent some time down at the Occupy London protest, and walked along South Bank and across the Millennium Bridge. Don’t worry, though – I still managed to waste that sunshine by spending plenty of time indoors, too, wandering through museums and shopping. Here are some of my favorite snapshots from the trip.

1. One-Eyed Falcon, The British Museum.
   -
   

   Wanna know how it happened, kids? I'll tell ya. It was a Red Ryder BB gun, with a compass and this thing that tells time.

   -

2. Bashful Aphrodite, The British Museum.
   -
   

   Oh, please, stop acting so surprised. You obviously posed for this.

   -

3. Occupy London poster.
   -
   

   Remember, remember ... that David Lloyd probably doesn't make any money off of this.

   -

4. Invisible Man, performing near the Millennium Bridge.
   -
   

   I don't know why he's giving me that dirty look.

   -

5. London Fruit Exchange sign, Spitalfields Market.
   -
   

   Oh, thank heavens. I've been wondering where I could exchange my fruit.

   -

6. The art of conversation, Occupy London encampment, St. Marks.
   -
   

   What? Just because a gentleman is dressed like a militant cow does not mean he can't engage in civilized conversation.

   -

7. Filmstrip playing in the Turbine Hall, Tate Modern.
   -
   

   While I do appreciate modern art, every black and white filmstrip playing in a museum is exactly the same to me.

   -

8. Kate Middleton Halloween mask, Spitalfields Market.
   -
   

   Why, yes, I DO regret not buying it! How did you know?

   -

9. Textured ceiling, British Museum.
   -
   

   How many triangles can you count? Nevermind. That's an awful game.

   -

10. Couple walking together, Millennium Bridge.
    -
    

    Me and Rand: the later years.

    -

     

You know what today is, right?

Yeah. Holy shit.

Sorry. I know cussing is only for special occasions like the Superbowl and visiting your family. But still. HOLY SHIT, RAND.

I think we might need to count them, to make sure it’s actually true.

One …

We. Were. SO. DAMN. YOUNG.

-

Two …

Remember how you couldn't kiss me without all those little hearts popping out of your head?

-

Three …

Notice how I didn't post a photo of the fauxhawk? You're welcome.

-

Four …

Returning home from a weekend trip to SF, summer 2005

-

Five …

Aaaaaand, FINALLY. The facial hair appears.

-

Six …

This is when we were scouting out wedding locations. The picture is blurry because I was drunk.

-

Seven …

By now I had gotten the distinct impression that you liked me.

-

Eight …

Yeah, it's official: You DEFINITELY have a thing for me.

-

Nine …

Okay, FINE. Maybe it's a weensy bit mutual.

 -

Aaaaaaand TEN!

I bet you were expecting another kissing photo, huh?

-

I’m ready to re-up our contract for at least another year or seventy.

Love,

Geraldine

Once, when we were in downtown Seattle, a middle-aged couple stopped Rand and me and asked where they could find a liquor store (at 2pm on a Saturday. I suppose they were putting the magic back in their relationship). I gave them very specific directions that, had the couple followed them to the letter, would have led them not only the wrong way down a one-way street, but nowhere near a liquor store. Rand looked on, in awe – he would later tell me that I spoke to the couple with such confidence that, against his better judgement, he didn’t question it.

I have no idea what became of that couple. Odds are, they probably gave up, headed home, and promptly divorced. But some small part of me is convinced that they are circling those blocks down which I sent them, doomed to spend an eternity yelling to each other, “It must be here. She said it was here. And she sounded so confident.”

The lesson is a simple one: asking me for advice is a terrible idea and it will ruin your marriage if not your life. And yet, on a nearly-daily basis, some poor misguided soul sends me an email, asking me what they should do in x country, and where they should stay. My response is usually, “HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW? GO ASK THE INTERNET.”

And then I realize with no small measure of horror, some people have already done that and ended up on my site. To them, I am the internet. I am filled with curse words and rude comments and things you weren’t looking for.

And on very rare occasions, just like the internet, I have an answer. Like when blog-reader and certified chicken hawk wrangler (I totally made one of those up) Janine mentioned that she was going to be traveling to Peru. Janine sent me a message on Facebook (because she “liked” the Everywhereist fan page. Hint-hint) and I was quick to reply with some actual useful information, which I’ve shared below. Hopefully, I’ll was slightly more helpful to Janine than I was to that poor couple looking for liquor. Funny thing, too, because god knows they needed a drink after what I put them through.

1. Instead of a visa, you will get an “Andean Migration Card” – a little white slip of paper that will be handed to you, rather nonchalantly, at the airport. Like your virginity, no one will impress upon you the importance of it until it is lost. That slip of paper is as important as a visa – you will need it when you check into hotels and when you leave the country. So don’t get drunk and hand it over to the next guy who comes along.
2. The sun in Peru is intense, even when it is cloudy. Be sure to wear sunscreen. We all got scorched in Machu Picchu, but that might be because we’re pasty Seattlites. Ever lift up a rock and see the bugs underneath writhe around in a panic? That’s us on a sunny day.
   -
   

   We expose ourselves to melanoma while enjoying the scenery.

   -

3. Watch your bag. Hold it on your lap in restaurants, and not, say, over the back of a chair. Even though Peru is relatively safe, it’s still a good idea to this. Fortunately, my bag weighs roughly the same as a medium-sized anvil, so I would love to see someone try and take it, then throw out their back in the process.
4. Nearly every place accepts either soles or U.S. dollars. So don’t panic if you only have American currency – it’s actually worth something in Peru (and no where else. Seriously. Stupid euro.)
5. If you go to Machu Picchu, you must bring your passport to get in (having dragged it all that way, you can also get a novelty passport stamp from Machu Picchu. I did this, but kind of regretted it – the stamp is about the size of a child’s foot and takes up valuable real-estate)
6. If you are desperate for food, there are a few chains in Peru that are great – one is Pardo’s chicken, which is surprisingly authentic and yummy, and the other is Bembo’s, which is less fantastic but not bad in a pinch. We had dinner at the former, and dessert at the former and the latter (What? This is me we’re talking about).
   -
   

   Dessert at Bembo's. I was very happy. Rand was very dorky.

   -

7. Haggle like crazy. Really, you shouldn’t be paying more than a few dollars American for hats or scarves, depending on the quality. There are lots of little artisan markets in Peru – you might want to walk around a couple and see the different prices and compare (in one place, scarves were 10 soles before we even started negotiating – in another they were 20 for the exact same scarf. Guess how much I paid for mine? That’s right! 25 soles.)
8. Carry tissues with you, and hand sanitizer or wet wipes, if you can get some. A lot of more rural places don’t have t.p., and don’t have running water or soap to wash your hands. Oh, and did I mention lots of meals are communal? So … yeah.
9. In many villages, bakeries are denoted by these hanging baskets. Obviously, this is the most important thing you will need to know when traveling in Peru.
   -
   

   They also had a bunch of guinea pigs in a pen.

   -

10. Usually your hotel can help set up a tour for you if you want to see stuff in neighboring towns. This is usually incredibly affordable. We spent a day traveling to Moray and Pisac from Cuzco, and they served us a snack and gave us an elaborate tour for $30 U.S. a person. The market at Pisac was absolutely amazing and I highly recommend it.
    -
    

    Rand with Nicolas, our totally awesome tour guide who spoke English, Spanish, Quechuan, and Japanese.

    -

    So there you go – proof that I’m not entirely worthless when it comes to giving advice. Unless it involves finding liquor stores in my hometown. Then you’re on your own.

I’m not even sure what that statement means. Not since I cracked my ulna the summer after second grade have I broken something, suffered a large amount of inconvenience as a result, and still barely understood what was broken in the first place. The good news is that the motherboard is now fixed, and waiting for me at Rand’s office.

And no, I still don’t know what a motherboard does.

Since my computer has been out of commission all week, I haven’t been able to post about any of my most recent trips – to London, New York, or Barcelona (I’d yet to upload the photos to Flickr when my computer died. I reacted to this like any reasonable adult would. I cried and then ate a bunch of Oreos). This initially stressed me out – Have I been rambling on about Peru for too many weeks now? Are my readers getting incredibly bored of hearing me talk about eating guinea pigs and not flushing my t.p.?

Hopefully not, because there is still so much I have yet to tell you about our journey to South America. And so many photos to share – ones that, thankfully, made it up to Flickr in one piece. Here are ten of my favorites from the trip.

1. Creepy little skull sculpture, the Larco Museum, Lima.
   -
   

   Doesn't he TOTALLY look like the guy who was guarding the Holy Grail in the third Indiana Jones movie?

   -

2. Central square in Cusco, at night.
   -
   

   The next night, there was a gambling event held here to raise money for the schools, hosted by a drag queen.

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3. Tiered farming terraces in the ancient town of Moray, Peru.
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   The Incans found that different crops grew better at different elevations, so they created this approach to farming.

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4. Women mixing pigments for paints at the market in Pisac.
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   And yes, I tipped her for the privilege of taking her photo, and I asked her first. Put down your pitchforks.

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5. Statue at the top of a fountain in downtown Cusco.
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   It sits in the middle of the Plaza de Armas - The Warriors' Square.

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6. Morning over the Sacred Valley (el Valle Sagrado) – the heartland of the Incan empire, we crossed it by train in order to reach Machu Picchu.
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   Believe me when I say my photos don't come close to doing this place justice.

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7. Llamas! The ones that live at Machu Picchu are tagged and protected by law.
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   I guess you could say they're llucky. (OH YES I DID.)

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8. What’s this? Oh, no big deal. JUST MACHU EFFING PICCHU. YEAH.
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   Yes, I injected the world "effing" in there.

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9. Iglesia La Compania de Jesus (the Jesuit Church) in the Plaza de Armas, Cusco.
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   Fun fact: "Iglesia" means church. So Julio Iglesia's name in English would be "Jules Churches" which is not nearly as sexy.

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10. Obligatory lovey-dovey photo, on the train back from Machu Picchu.
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    Shockingly, one of the few photos of the two of us where we AREN'T sucking face.I know. I'm sad, too.

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As some of you may have noticed, I don’t really do much research on my travel destinations, except when it comes to cuisine. I left for Peru with a vague understanding of who created Machu Picchu, but I was able to rattle off the local desserts like an expert. This concerns me slightly. I have this fear that, should aliens ever abduct me (and let’s face it: this is a highly probable likelihood) they will ask me all sorts of questions about other parts of my planet. And most of the time, I WILL HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO SAY right up until the topic of food comes up, at which point I will be some sort of savant. Governmental structure of Peru? No clue. But they have these fantastic dulce de leche sandwich cookies called alfajores (I’ve eaten enough in one sitting to risk diabetic shock). Iceland? I can’t remember anything about my trip there except for that yogurt dessert they kept feeding us. And my usually reply to when anyone mentions the U.K. is to drool and mumble “sticky toffee pudding” with a glazed look in my eye.

Gah. I will be so useless if the aliens are planning some sort of governmental takeover. How embarrassing. And completely likely, as I am sure you will agree.  But fortunately I’m more often asked questions that pertain to travel, and not the domination of the human race. So if you plan on staying earthbound, and make your way to Peru, here’s what you should munch on while you’re there.

1. Alfajores. I first learned about these delightful sandwich cookies on a chilly day, sitting in a restaurant outside of Port Charles, New York. Rich dulce de leche sandwiched between buttery, not-too-sweet shortbread cookies, dusted with powdered sugar. Remember Oreos? Well, you won’t after you have one of these. Heck, you’ll barely remember your own name.
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   See those fingers in the background? Pretty sure I bit them in the frenzy of shoving this thing into my face.

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2. Cuy. Yes, it’s guinea pig. It’s also a very traditional mainstay of Peruvian cuisine. If the idea of munching on one of these cute, furry fellows doesn’t horrify you, I suggest you try it. The meat is sweet, dark, and flavorful. And you can totally freak your friends out with the story.
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   I'm sure this will horrify a lot of you. But it was really, really yummy.

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3. Mate de Coca. The coca plant has some really bad press stateside – yes, it is used to make cocaine. But that requires a lot of leaves (something like 600 kg of the coca plant make 1 kg of cocaine), processed with gasoline and numerous chemicals. In the Peruvian Andes, the leaves are chewed or brewed into a tea. It tastes like a grassy green tea, and no, it won’t give you the shakes or make you feel crazy, but it will help alleviate the nausea of high-altitude sickness.
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   Coca leaves stewing in a pot.

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4. Llama. Alpacas are incredibly important in the Andes – they’re used to the rough terrain, and they produce wool which is used to make clothing and textiles. It’s not nearly as common as cuy or chicken, so my hubby jumped at the chance to order it when he saw it on a menu. The meat is tender and light – I described it as “white meat beef”. He enjoyed it a llot. (GET IT? I AM CLEVER.)
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   Rand's llama entree with some potato croquettes in the foreground.

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5. Lomo Saltado. Peruvian cuisine is like a Benetton ad – a colorful mix of cultures and ethnicities. Lomo saltado (literally, “jumping beef”) is a great example of this. The dish is a Chinese-style stir-fry of vegetables and meats, seasoned with soy sauce and served over fried Peruvian potatoes. My husband craves it fortnightly.
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   Seriously, Rand asks for this all the time, but I don't know how to make it. OUR MARRIAGE IS A SHAM.

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6. Chicha Morada. Note that is distinct from “chicha” – the alcoholic drink made from chewed up, fermented corn. Chica morada is a dark, sweet beverage made from purple maize. It tastes like grape juice, minus the refreshing tartness (so … raisin juice?). While I’m not a huge fan of the stuff, the frozen variant that I had was fun to try.
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   It really was pretty - I just wish it had been a bit more tart.

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7. Anticuchos. While anticuchos can refer to any type of grilled meat on a skewer, you’ll commonly find beef hearts prepared in this way. The meat is rich and velvety. As delicious as they are, you likely won’t eat more than one before feeling your own heart clench.
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   Anticuchos of various meats with a rocoto relleno (stuffed pepper) in the background.

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8. Pisco Sour. Pisco – a grape grappa that originated in Peru – is mixed with lemon, sugar, bitters, and an egg white (which is how any good sour is made). The alcohol goes down alarmingly easy, with very little bite. Combined with the high altitude (which increases the effects of alcohol and the time it takes to feel it), this drink can be very, very dangerous.
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   Photos of us taken AFTER the consumption of said sours have been diplomatically omitted from this post.

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9. Cebiche (or ceviche). This dish is usually served as an appetizer. Fresh raw fish is cut up and tossed with lemon or lime juice – the acid of which “cooks” the fish, and is combined with onions and chili peppers. Peru has a substantial Japanese population, and you can often see modern twists on sushi involving cebiche.
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   And halfway through this post I realize: I am starving.

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10. Picarones. Three words: fried pumpkin donuts. The crispy, golden crust of these fritters is usually softened by dipping them in a caramelized honey sauce. They taste like a fall carnival.
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    I refuse to admit how many of these I ate. It was many.

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11. Pulpo. Octopus (“pulpo” in Spanish) is by no means unique to Peru, but you will see this cephalopod on menus throughout the country, either grilled or occasionally in cebiche. If you are a fan of squid (and really, who isn’t?) this dish is definitely worth trying.
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    Mmm ... tentacle-y.

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12. Aji de Gallina. When this dish arrived at our table – consisting of tender chunks of chicken stewed in a rich yellow sauce, absolutely no one could tell us the ingredient list. Apparently it is long and varied (not unlike a mole recipe). The dish takes a while to prepare, too – but the result (a creamy concoction that is cheesy, nutty, and spicy all at once) is worth it.
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13. Rocoto Relleno. The Peruvian take on the stuffed pepper is not kidding around. Forget the sweet bell variety that we’re used to – in Peru, they use a slightly spicy pepper that delivers a bit of a kick. Fillings variety, but it’s usually a mix of ground meats and vegetables.
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14. Chifa. Owing to its large immigrant popultaion, Chinese food (known as “chifa”) is a specialty in Peru. Sadly, we didn’t get to try it, but we did enjoy a number of dishes that had Chinese influences (including the aforementioned Lomo Saltado).
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    So we didn't get chifa, but it's not like we starved.

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15. Lucuma. This peculiar green fruit is not common in the U.S., but the flavor is so prevalent and delicious that in Peru, your ice cream choices will often be chocolate, vanilla, and lucuma. The fruit has a mild, caramel-flavored sweetness to it – try it in ice cream or (like we did) in a cake.
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    Two slices of cake (lucuma and chocolate) and my dorky husband. I've never been happier.

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16. Inca Cola. Created in Peru in the 1930s, this drink is so popular it outsells all other soft drinks in its home country. The color is a quasi fluorescent yellow and the taste is like a less-sweet Mountain Dew. I didn’t really like the stuff (but then again, I’m not a big soda drinker) but a few people in our party were hooked.  
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    I call this color "electric pee."

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Their apartment was a quintessential bachelor pad: it had two bedrooms, smelled of Old Spice deodorant, and was furnished with enormous black leather couches and geometric prints. There was an abundance of electronics, and not a single framed photograph of a loved one.

When Rand later moved in with me, the transition must have been somewhat traumatic. The bathroom was filled with all sorts of foreign items: straightening and curling irons and a crimper that I kept around in case of emergencies (having since thrown it away, I now live in fear that someone will have an 80s party, and I won’t be able to attain big hair). There were multiple laundry hampers, with specific instructions as to which items could be placed inside of them. There were weird things like low-fat yogurt and almond butter in the fridge. In the early months of our co-habitation, we fought over stupid things, like where the dish sponge should go, and important things, like where our alarm clock should go.

Nine years later, and we’ve ironed out most of the wrinkles. The dish sponges have their own holder. The alarm clock is across the room, closer to Rand’s side of the bed than mine. And Rand still has no idea what items go in which hamper. It’s not perfect, but it works. And we’re both pretty damn happy, so there’s that.

Still, I suspect he must sometimes miss the guy-time he had in college. I may have a teeny tiny mustache, and I might scream obscenities at the television screen during NFL-games, but it’s not the same. It’s probably one of the reasons why Peru was such a great trip. Rand was there for work, and a few of his colleagues came along to help. It meant that, for the first time in ages, he got to spend time with the guys.

It also meant that, for roughly a week, I ran around Peru singing, “DO DO DO DO DO! CAUGHT IN A RAND BRO-MANCE!” (to the tune of Ms. Gaga’s ”Bad Romance.” You’d think it would have gotten annoying, but I’m sure it didn’t.)

So, in honor of those dear gentleman and those budding friendships, I present 10 bromatic photos from Peru.

1. Tom and Rand next to a huge case of Pisco, a traditional Peruvian liquor.
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   My husband is manly enough to wear pink, and is therefore awesome.

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2. At Rand’s work event. Seriously, just look at the googly eyes everyone’s making at eachother.
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3. Tom and Casey at Cicciolina Restaurant, Cuzco.
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   Why do I have a sneaking suspicion my female readers will love this photo?

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4. My three dates that night.
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   Yup - I got to have dinner with all three of them. Jealous? YOU SHOULD BE.

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5. Casey and Rand hug outside a lavatory in Moray.
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   They were patiently waiting for us ladies to use the somewhat godawful facilities.

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6. Rand and Tom pose for the cover of their never-to-be-released album (in the ancient city of Moray).
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   I love how serious they look. I think, like, two seconds later I made a fart joke.

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7. And the cover of their never-to-be-released second album (in Machu Picchu).
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8. Hugging on the train back from Machu Picchu.
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   I love how bashful they both look in this picture.

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9. Rand openly mocking Casey amidst the Incan ruins.
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   I don't really remember what was going on here, but I love this photo.

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10. It’s cool, though: they made up.
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    For the record, my husband's not that short - it's just that Casey is really, really tall.

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    Now, sing it with me: DO DO DO DO DO! CAUGHT IN A RAND BRO-MANCE! (Or, maybe don’t.)