It’s nearly summer again, folks. And we’re experiencing a bit of a baby boom in our little social group, as friend after friend is either expecting or taking care of a brand-new baby. I’m not gonna lie: I think it’s awesome. I’m already affectionately known as “Crazy Aunt Geraldine.” And that makes me incredibly happy. But when the issue of Rand and I procreating comes up, well … I don’t quite know how to answer.  I know I should have some coherent, well-thought-out responses. About our lives, our intentions, our future (you know: stuff that isn’t anyone else’s business). With the summer holidays nearing, and family get-togethers, weddings, and visits on the way, I suspect we’re going to get asked the baby question more and more. So I’ve come up with a fantastic solution for myself and anyone in my situation.

Just take somebody else’s kid and pretend it’s yours.

It’s actually pretty simple, and I guarantee one of two results: the asker will either believe you, thus ceasing any further awkward lines of questioning, or they’ll realize you’re lying, will probably deem you emotionally unstable, and try to get away from you as soon as possible, thus ceasing any further awkward lines of questioning. In either situation, it’s a win! Of course, the issue becomes, how does one pull it off? It’s easy:

  1. Find a child. Make it that of a close relative or a friend, since they’re more familiar with your sense of humor and less likely to press charges (you should really get their permission first, though). Bonus if the kid actually looks like you. Most of the time, though, it won’t. Be prepared for this: If someone asks if “your” child is adopted (because, say, you and your hubby look Jewish/Eastern European and the kid is clearly Aborigine) just act offended and respond, “DOES IT MATTER?” This will usually shut people up.
    -

    Psst! Nobodys buying it! Tell them theyre racist so they dont blow our cover!

    "Psst! Nobody's buying it! Tell them they're racist so they don't blow our cover!"

  2. Or even better, find a baby! Babies are perfect, because they can’t testify against you. Also, it’s more realistic to show up with a baby, than, say, a 12-year-old. At that point, people start asking too many questions. With a baby, it’s just, “HEY! CUTE! A BABY! NO NEED TO ASK WHERE YOU GOT IT FROM!”
    -

    Checking to see if she can pass for his.

    "Hmm ... yeah. Bald head, apple cheeks. Yeah, she might work."

    -

  3. If the kid can talk, try to get them to call you “Mom” or “Dad”. Most kids, unless they’re sociopaths or child actors (which might be redundant), probably won’t be able to pull this off. So if they end up calling you by your first name, and someone else hears, shrug it off. Explain that it’s better than Webster calling his parents “Ma’am” and “Sir”. Seriously, what the hell kind of antebellum bullshit was that?
    -

    webster11
    -

  4. Pick a kid who won’t scream and cry when separated from his parents. If you’re at a wedding, and you’ve just borrowed your older cousin’s kids (much to his delight, by the way, since he has quite a few), make sure that they actually want to hang out with you. Bribery is a great tool in these situations.
    -

    I told him that I was going to be his mom from now on and he started crying. Sheesh. Such a baby.

    I told him that Rand and I were going to be his new parents, and he started crying. Sheesh. Such a baby.

    -

  5. Use disguises. Someone might recognize the child you’re trying to pass off as your own, and that could jeopardize your entire plans. In these cases, it’s always a good idea to disguise the child. My favorite disguises for children are Rhoda Morgenstern, and miscellaneous drag queen.
    -

    Oy, what a meshuganah this one is.

    "Oy, what a meshuganah this one is."

    -

    I cant remember if this was supposed to be Rhoda or a drag queen.

    I can't remember if this was supposed to be Rhoda or a drag queen.

    -

  6. Do your research. If you’re like me, you probably won’t know what to do with a kid once you’ve acquired one for the purposes of familial deception. You might want to look up what they eat and stuff like that. I’ve interviewed a couple of them, and my understanding is that they like cappuccinos and candy.
    -

    I wont lie: this ended badly.

    I won't lie: this ended badly.

    -

  7. Swap kids out – no one will notice. If you are going to see the same people at several events, but can’t secure the same fake children for each of these events, don’t worry – just swap them out for another kid. This happens all the time on T.V. shows from season to season, and everyone seems okay with it (See Grace Under Fire‘s Quentin, Fresh Prince‘s Nicky, Growing Pains‘ Chrissy, and most recently Bobby on Mad Men. It also happened twice on Roseanne). If anyone does notice, accuse them of being racist, even if it doesn’t make sense to do so (as I noted earlier, accusations of racism usually shut people up).
    -

     Behold, Quentin Kelly #1, the little kid with dark hair on the left ...

    Behold, Quentin Kelly #1, the little kid with dark hair on the left ...

    -

    He's the incredibly tall kid in the plaid shirt at right.

    And Quentin Kelly #2, who I think came in mid-season, in the plaid shirt at right. If you notice a difference between him and Quentin #1, you're racist.

    -

  8. Enlist your spouse to help you. Kids can acutely sense good and evil. This is probably why they love my husband. There’s no joke here. He’s just effing awesome.
    -

    This is a little sorbet of sweetness in an otherwise evil feast.

    This is a little sorbet of sweetness in an otherwise evil blog.

    -

  9. T.V. is their kryptonite. Some of you might be thinking, “Well, sure, I can find a child to borrow, but what the heck do I do with them, then? What if they get bored after the July Fourth picnic, and their real parents, seeing an opportunity, fled for the Caribbean? What then?” Don’t fear. Just turn on the T.V. They become hypnotized. It’s awesome.
    -

    While they are entranced, you can take a nap!

    While they are entranced, you can take a nap!

    -

  10. Don’t learn anything from the experience. I promise, this post won’t end with some revelation like, “And after a day of pretending to be a mother, she realized, with all her heart, it was what she wanted.” Nope. Sorry. You’re reading the wrong blog. Instead, I implore you to savor the joy that comes from HANDING A CHILD BACK TO HIS OR HER PARENTS. Because even pretend parenting is effing impossible, so I can’t even comprehend what the real thing is like. And I want to tell all my friends who are moms or moms-to-be exactly how incredible I think they are. I don’t know how you do it, but you are all so damn amazing, it makes me break into a cold sweat of ineptitude.
    -

    They dont even let you eat in peace. Seriously.

    They don't even let you eat in peace. KIDS ARE SUCH JERKS.

    -

    So maybe something was learned after all. But don’t start making a big deal out of it.

P.S. – The child in number 4 is crying because his fishing line broke while he was reeling up a fish. He got over it promptly. I didn’t actually scare him to tears. I mean, I’m evil, but I’m not, like, Karl Rove evil.

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Comments (17)

  1. 1
    Jen Lopez says:

    Awww extra cute bonus shot of Eric! Hah, this post cracked me up. You can use my child any time. :)

  2. 2
    DaveM says:

    I’m married almost two years – I’m VERY amused by this. We’re lookin at startin a family in 3 or so years so yea… we’re goin the distance. Ever get labeled a “career girl” like it was selfish, negative thing? My wife loves it when that happens. Good stuff!

    • 2.1
      Everywhereist says:

      David – I once said that if we ever had kids, my hubby would watch them while I went to work. That did NOT go over well.

  3. 3
    Dr. Pete says:

    An alternative: Tell them that you’re leasing for now, and you’ll decide whether you want to own the kid after the year is up.

  4. 4
    Jane says:

    Hilarious … even if I’m past the age when people have such expectations of me!

  5. 5
    Tim Biden says:

    Thank you for the great laughs! My wife and I are constantly being asked when we’re going to have our own little monsters and we’re sick of having to answer that question. We have no desire to procreate and I wish that the people in our lives would finally accept that fact. But since they won’t, we might just have to take your advice and borrow somebody else’s child for a day. We can send the kid home to their parents and the parents can tell everyone how badly we spoiled them & how we aren’t suitable parents. Sounds like a lot of work to get our families off our back but it might just be worth it. Cappuccinos and candy, huh? I think we can arrange that. =)

  6. 6
    Christine says:

    You can borrow Jackson any time; just be prepared to explain that blonde hair and blue eyes both come from recessive genes. The genetics lecture will make people’s eyes glaze over, and they’ll stop asking questions.

  7. 7
    Liz Mills says:

    I’m with you, Geraldine! I love playing with kids, but I love handing them back even more. Thanks for the tips!!

    Liz

  8. 8
    Celeste says:

    Remember: if you get a kid old enough, he will be able to get your beer from the fridge.

  9. 9
    Everywhereist says:

    Jen – Yeah, I don’t think Eric had any idea that a little over a year later, he’d have two of those at home. :) And I just may borrow Eva. You know, she could totally pass for Italian. :)

    Christine – done and done. Rand’s mom would be thrilled to have a (temporary) blue-eyed grandchild.

  10. 10
    philip says:

    Go to your door right now. There will be a basket. It is a large basket because she is three. She’s the one with the curly hair. She likes princess dresses and The Aristocats.

    Seriously, there is too little Everywhereist/Kiddo time. Also need to see if The Baby Whisperer can work his magic on our shy-around-dudes young lady.

  11. 11
    Everywhereist says:

    Philip – I love the Kiddo. I love that she, inexplicably, has curly hair. And I also like princess dresses. But seriously, the Aristocrats? That joke is SO FOUL.

    Oh, wait. You said AristoCATS, huh? That’s much less horrifying.

  12. 12
    deanna says:

    i. am. dying. of laughter. *slow clap* and you absolutely cannot have maggie because after handing her off i will disappear into the seedy underbelly of the local bar scene only to be fished out weeks later smelling of grain alcohol and with some new tattoos. actually…you can lease the kid. i will need your down payment to finance the debauchery. ps- still cracking up.

  13. 13
    Andrea says:

    Gotta love it when people assume stuff. Ever been greeted with “Happy Mother’s Day” because someone figured you were old enough for your uterus to have done the deed by now? Yeah.

    • 13.1
      Everywhereist says:

      @Andrea – Oh, have I. I had a woman who was convinced, CONVINCED I was a mother. I was standing in line for my flight, and she thought my purse was a diaper bag. When I explained that it wasn’t, she insisted that I MUST be a mommy. That’s when her husband started trying to shut her up. Just because I have wide hips and I carry around jars of pureed food doesn’t mean I have kids. Sheesh.

  14. 14
    Everywhereist says:

    Deanna – and if anyone asks how Rand and I had a wee redhead? THEY’RE RACIST. (Also, ZOMG, I would love to lease her. She hurts my heart with the cute).

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Everywhereist » Blog Archive » I go to Tin City so you don’t have to. - 17. Jun, 2010

    [...] After a few days in Orlando, we headed over to Tampa to see our friend Lindsay and Eric, and meet their twins. It was awesome. I love children that aren’t mine. [...]

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