What the hell are we doing in Roseburg, OR?
posted September 30th, 2009 by EverywhereistWe headed down to Ashland a few weeks ago to celebrate our anniversary. On the way there, we decided to stop in Roseburg, since we remembered some friends of ours had stopped there while driving down to our wedding. They said the town was adorable, and that they had a really nice time.
I’ve now concluded that Rand and I must have fabricated that memory entirely. Not because Roseburg wasn’t cute (it kind of was … sort of), but because we asked around, and not a single one of our friends had stopped in Roseburg. Was it a case of matrimonial hallucination? Or perhaps a well-crafted subliminal message created by the powerful and covert Roseburg tourism board? We still aren’t sure. The point is, something led us there.
And boy was it … yeah.
We knew we were getting close to Roseburg when I saw the Mc Donald’s billboard that looks like the mugshot of some dude who hangs out in elementary school parking lots:
Scary, right?
I dare you to stare at that for a full minute before going to sleep.
The town of Roseburg is fairly small. I usually find that sort of thing crazy appealing (see Astoria, Oregon) but Roseburg didn’t bowl me over nearly as much. I suspect that scorching sun might have been to blame (it was about 104 degrees, with no breeze). Still, it was sort of cute:
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You’ll notice that the streets are pretty deserted. I think it had something to do with the beauty college, which was offering free haircuts that day. There were at least three dozen people lined-up outside:
Even the local news was there. They were getting a soundbite from a dude wearing a "Big Johnson" t-shirt. Stay classy, Roseburg!
We also passed the Greyhound station, of which Rand became inexplicably enamored …
"I just think it's neat." - Rand
He also liked the old Dodge parked across the street from it:
But then, as is the case with most small towns (based on my travel experiences and the summary of “Deliverance” I read on Wikipedia), shit got weird.**
This store was apparently going out of business. Where the people of Roseberg will buy their parasols and mannequin heads, I know not.
We then came across the Douglas County Republican Headquarters. Here you can see my Commie-Pinko husband trying to contain his enthusiasm:
The store next door is either called "Touch of Class" or "Couch of Glass". I'm sure you can guess which I prefer.
Without hyperbole, the headquarters looked really, really depressing. Like it had given up hope. Which makes sense, looking at their election results from 2008 (Note: for some reason, that map has the colors mixed up. I’ve never seen a Republican candidate listed as blue and a Democrat listed as red). There were a bunch of patriotically-themed nutcrackers that had faded in the front window (sadly, I neglected to take a photo of this) along with a few signs …
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Click on the photo to see a larger image.
I actually don’t entirely disagree with any of the nine tenets listed there (I sort of disagree with number 5, because, like my husband, I too am a Commie-Pinko). I just think it’s weird that a lot of the signs looked like they were part of some middle school student’s civics project. This was also true of the county’s Democratic headquarters, located just a few blocks over.
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I didn’t know what Rand was looking at when I took the above photo. It wasn’t until he said, “You have got to be f*cking kidding me” that I got a closer look, and saw that the window display was apparently having a fight with a crazy person:
And then there was this, which is made even more creepy by the placement of red squiggly lines over the president’s youngest daughter’s eyes. Not cool.
They also felt the need to point out that Dick Cheney is in the photo.
The thing about trying to fight with the mentally infirm is that 1.) you are soooo not going to win, and 2.) you come off looking bat-shit crazy yourself. So congrats on that, Douglas County Dems.
Then what? Oh – we realized we were starving. I had already been severely disappointed with our food options as we drove into town, when Rand got my hopes up, only to dash them seconds later:
Rand: Let’s see … we could go to Cheese Garden.
Me: Shut up. SHUT UP. They do not have a place called the Cheese Garden. We are SOOOOO going there. I want to eat a salad made of brie.
Rand: No, no – it’s Chi’s, as in belonging to someone named Chi. It’s a Chinese Restaurant.
Me: (begins sobbing) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I was utterly devastated, naturally. We decided not to eat at Chi’s because 1.) I was still waaaay too emotionally broken up over my fictional Cheese Garden restaurant, and 2.) it looked really sketchy. In retrospect, we probably should have gone there, because life is an adventure. Plus, it would have made a great blog post.
Instead, we played it safe like the total wusses we are, and ended up going to a McMennamin’s restaurant. We even got boring food:
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So while it was nothing fancy, it was pleasant and dysentery-free. Plus, I had time to think about the menu of the Cheese Garden. It would totally kick the crap out of The Olive Garden.
After that, we headed out of Roseburg and on to Ashland. And since God knows I love symmetry, as we drove out of town we encountered a billboard as delightfully creepy as the one we saw on our way in …
Visiting that site is the mental equivalent of digging your own eyes out with a spoon. Do not go.
**Note – I don’t mean to suggest that shit doesn’t get weird in big cities as well – it certainly does. For some reason, though, I don’t expect it in places that look like Mayberry. And for those of you who don’t think that small towns are weird – well, check out reason #9 to visit Mount Airy (a.k.a. “Mayberry”), North Carolina, that I found when looking for the preceding link:
Yeah.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Wow – reason #9 is http://www.visitmayberry.com/09brThe_Siamese_Twins.aspx – that’s awesome.
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September 30th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
We made a brief pitstop in Roseburg on our way to your pre-wedding BBQ! Except we didn’t stumble across any of this excitement you unearthed…I just got an ice cream cone. Yeah, that’s how I remember everything: by what I ate.
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September 30th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Freakin’ Micky D’s … That clown is going to give me nightmares.
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October 1st, 2009 at 10:48 am
Now I realize why Rand never wanted to go to McDonalds… This explains so much.
Still not explained though, is the requirement for circling “The Bible” in the Obama photo. That makes no sense to me.
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October 22nd, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Get off your damn high horse, roseburg is a very clean and respectable town. It may not be all the in a bag of potatoe chips, but I would rather raise my family here than in some ghetto ass town. Make fun of roseburg all you want, you’re an ignorant idiot.
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October 22nd, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Dear Molly: It’s “potato.”
Man, the Roseburg school system must be awesome.
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jocelyn Reply:
September 8th, 2011 at 10:00 am
and I can see you were taught to be rude at your school.
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Everywhereist Reply:
September 8th, 2011 at 10:01 am
Honey, please. That is a skill which can not be taught.
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March 23rd, 2011 at 5:55 pm
As someone who unhappily lives in Roseburg, I can agree to how horrible it is. However, about Obama’s birth certificate and the Bible thing? That’s because these things are necessary, because people in Roseburg honestly believe that Obama is from Kenya and is an evil Muslim. I wish I was joking, but it’s true.
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Everywhereist Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:35 pm
And yet, Roseburg is weirdly charming, right? I mean, kinda? Maybe I’m just a fruit loop.
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June 16th, 2011 at 9:26 am
I grew up near Roseburg, so I embrace the quirkiness! You can take the girl out of Oregon, but you can’t take Oregon out of the girl! After living in large cities, we have settled in a small town (like Oakland, OR) and love the small-town, everyone knows everyone way of life. It’s not for everyone, but it’s a great place to raise kids, and it’s for me! I thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog. Thank you for sharing. Also, I have Cheese Garden burned into my brain…thanks a lot…
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Everywhereist Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 9:42 am
I am so glad that you actually GET my sense of humor, and realize that this homage to Roseburg was written with love. I do so enjoy stopping there, eating ice cream, and gawking at EVERYTHING. That town is magic.
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Josh Reply:
August 27th, 2011 at 2:24 pm
You’ve only been there once or you stop there often? Because in the article you made it sound as if neither you nor your acquaintances had ever been there and now you write, “I do so enjoy stopping there”, the present-tense of which makes it sound as though you’re familiar with the area.
Roseburg is just another small Oregon town, trying to stay above water. Either your sense of humor in this post is on some level of subtlety that is undetectable by the human senses or (and I suspect this is the case) you’re Yet Another Hipster jumping on the already-overloaded bandwagon of hating on small conservative-leaning towns.
I have some mixed feelings about being a very liberal person from a very conservative area, but I’m by no means embarrassed about my hometown and after reading your post I’m disheartened by the strong vibes of “ha ha shame shame” that it gives off. This is a poor first encounter with Everywhereist. I think the “dysentery free” comment was what sealed it for me; I’m glad that you didn’t go to Chi’s because you probably (definitely) would have been even more unnecessarily harsh with it. Roseburg as a town doesn’t necessarily get hurt by a smallish blog like this, but the small, family owned businesses within don’t deserve that kind of treatment. (Never mind the racial insensitivity of making fun of the name. Wait- are YOU from Roseburg?)
Kinda sickened by this.
Josh
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Everywhereist Reply:
August 27th, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Dude, when I finally open up The Cheese Garden restaurant, you are SOOOOO not welcome.
Wait … that’s mean, huh? You can come. The only people unwelcome there will be the lactose intolerant.
jocelyn Reply:
September 8th, 2011 at 10:03 am
thanks Josh, couldn’t have said it better myself. Chi’s has been here a really long time and do not deserve to be judged from the outside.
September 8th, 2011 at 2:12 am
I was delighted to read your comments about Roseburg. After living in eight different states and two foreign countries I decided Roseburg is where I want to call home. I enjoyed your comments because it will tend to keep people from overrunning the town and that’s a major goal for us. It’s situated in some of the most beautiful country imaginable. Pristine forests, beautiful rivers, lakes, waterfalls and you can visit these without having to compete with crowds to find the perfect spot. Our art festival puts the ones I’ve attended in Dallas and other major cities to shame. We have festivals all summer long, free music on the half shell with renowned musicians, graffitti weekend where old cars come from all over the country to join in the festivities. I won’t even mention the duck race. We could use some more restaurants although there are some amazing little places if you know where to go. For major shopping trips we do venture to Eugene or Medford. But glad you came by and glad you left. We like things the way they are.
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