Rand and I have been home for twenty-three days. Twenty-three. This is the longest stretch of time we’ve both been home together for nearly a year. It’s also the gestation period for a female human (Edit: No, no it’s not. I’m just seeing if you were paying attention.) And it’s roughly the amount of time I need to spend in one place before I start going absolutely bat-shit insane.

Even on a good day, I tend to lean pretty far towards the crazy end of the sanity spectrum. But leave me at home for three weeks, and I start to go a little bonkers. I’ve plotted it all on this chart.

It took me forever to find a picture of Velma from Scooby-Doo that wasn't all porny. I severely am bothered by this.

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In lieu of traveling, I’ve started doing things. Weird things. Like working out (I’m actually unable to walk down the stairs of my home right now because yesterday I paid a trainer to put me through hell. I literally paid her to do things which, had we lived in Medieval times, would have been fit punishment for the crime of, I don’t know, being able to read. Don’t fool yourselves, kids: THERE WAS NO RENAISSANCE. The Dark Ages are alive and well, in the weight room at Gold’s Gym). I’ve fixed clothing that’s needed to be mended since 2006 and is consequently no longer in style. I even started tackling that huge pile of bills that keeps accumulating on my desk (I was waiting until it grew so big that it became sentient and learned to pay itself. I was going to name it “Final Notice.” But I grew impatient.)

And then last night, in anticipation of a friend coming over for dinner, I made namecards for the table. Nevermind that there would only be the three of us. And that we all knew each other very well. And we all sit in the same place every time we have dinner together. And that the names were completely made up.

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There were lots of countesses anticipated at dinner.

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This one was the crowd favorite:

"This ... this is the greatest name, ever."

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I got less and less creative the more of these I made.

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And towards the end, I sort of stopped trying.

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I also made a strawberry, apple, and blueberry pie for dessert. We ate half of it, and none of us – not Lady Janet Smith (nee Fartsmonger), the honorable Viscount Herschel Bumnuzzler, nor Baron Von Hugenstein – had any regrets about this.

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But really, I think maybe these namecards are a sign of something …

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Like that I need to get on the road soon before I start organizing my sock drawer according to the feelings that each pair invokes, or writing a book of etiquette with an entire chapter dedicated to cat birthdays.

WTF, Everywhereist. KEEP IT TOGETHER. Life at home should not be crazier than the baggage claim at Newark.

Full list of categories:  Life at Home » Nothing to Do With Travel » WTF
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Comments (17)

  1. 25. Jan, 2012 / Melanie:

    It’s true, that one is the greatest name ever. I am the exact opposite of you: traveling gives me panic attacks. My house is my home base and safety zone. I do road trips, and two flying trips a year, and that’s it. I am glad there are folks like you who are constantly on the go FOR me. I want to see the Ghostbusters fire house now. I travel to see horror film stuff. I have gone to the house in Poltergeist, and this year I’m staying at The Shining hotel. And I’m not going to lie, I’m a little scared about it.

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  2. 25. Jan, 2012 / brooke:

    that is awesome. my favorite is mister winky boogerton III

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  3. 25. Jan, 2012 / Cry, Beloved Country:

    He-e-ey, wait a minute, you put cat owners way out on the weird end of the spectrum! I resemble that remark!

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  4. 25. Jan, 2012 / Kristina Cline:

    just imagine if you were like me, stuck in my house for months on end, with no excuse or valid reason to leave?

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  5. 25. Jan, 2012 / Camels & Chocolate:

    Well, here’s a suggestion: You could come out to Nashville for BlissDom in February to see meeeeeee (and wish me a happy birthday in person…I’m just going to lay the guilt on heavy from the start).

    Also, 23 days is about my gestation…er, feelings-of-restlessness period, too.

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  6. 25. Jan, 2012 / terryl:

    uhh, hi, you’re hilarious?

    i was dying* through the whole thing. the nuance!

    (*in the best way)

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  7. 25. Jan, 2012 / Somie:

    Marvelous idea.
    Well at least you didn’t take out the gold trimmed ivory card stock. So I’d say you’re still pretty solid on sanity. Great post as always.

    The Duchess of Schlongdershire.
    These names would only sound that much more amazing when said aloud with a monocle.

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    Everywhereist Reply:

    I actually looked for a gold pen so I could add some leaves to the edges, but I couldn’t find one.

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  8. 25. Jan, 2012 / Katy:

    Sometimes when I fly British Airways, I take advantage of their really long list of courtesy titles in the online form so that my hubby and I can fly as Lady Katy and Lord Philip, or Viscountess Katy and Rear Admiral Philip. It’s really fantastic that they actually *allow* us to do it, and we have never, ever gotten so much as a smirk from the uniformed people behind the counter. They even use our obviously fake titles while wishing us a good flight!

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    Jen Reply:

    I desperately need to do this.

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    Everywhereist Reply:

    Ditto here. Bonus points to whoever is able to stay in character for the duration of their flight.

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  9. 25. Jan, 2012 / Jeanette:

    my boyfriend is british and his grandparents address all his mail as “master” j.h.o. this kills me every time he gets a birthday card!

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  10. 26. Jan, 2012 / RiderWriter:

    Will it improve your feelings toward baggage claim at Newark if I tell you I once saw Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porzikova there wrestling their own luggage off the belt? Seriously, it was pretty surreal. I saw this extremely tall, extremely thin guy from the back, mind you, and thought, “Wow, he looks just like Ric Ocasek.” And then he turned around. Unmistakably Ric himself. I next saw his supermodel wife, their kids and (presumably) their nanny, all throwing elbows in the fray to extract suitcases. Since I spent my teen years looking at Paulina on the covers of magazines and listening to The Cars, I was pretty excited. :-)

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  11. 27. Jan, 2012 / JoAnna:

    I would love to go to a dinner party hosted by you. The placecards alone are worth the flight to Seattle.

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  12. 27. Jan, 2012 / Anthony:

    Sentient, self-paying bills…we can only hope.

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  13. 27. Jan, 2012 / Wendy Blake:

    Beautiful pie! And lovely baby name for the sentient bill pile.

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  14. 29. Jan, 2012 / Shannon:

    Hilarious not a lot of this makes sense to me, but that’s not the point. I laughed at how creative and silly you got doing it. Cute ideas, and that’s cool speedbird (Brittish Airways) allows you to use fake names :D.

    I only had an interest in commenting because I am glad she found a proper photo of Velma, and I find it distraught that people go to great lengths to make it porny (why can’t they leave it the way it is for the rest of us to enjoy!) :). Velma isn’t the only character that gets made out to be something else she isn’t.

    Nice post, and thanks for sharing.

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