WTF Weds: I Just Want a Chicken Suit. Is That So Complicated?

Posted on
Jul 29, 2015
21

For the last few weeks, I’ve been searching for two very specific items that I am sure will improve my life in all sorts of unimaginable ways.

The first is a skirt.

I am having trouble describing it, but it is one of those skirts with an overlay that comes down over the inner layer, in a way that doesn’t look like you’ve had a serious hemming accident or bunched up your slip around your butt on accident. Ideally, something like this:

Skirt

It would look totally the same when I wore it, except that I wouldn’t be wearing shoes designed by a sadist, and my thighs are literally twice the width of hers. Also, I have an upper body. So not the same at all, really. But the skirt is cute, don’t you think?

Amazon has managed to distort what I’m looking for into this:

AmazonCart

Which is what you would wear to a sexy biker luau. (Note to self: make this the theme for Rand’s next b-day party. Forget to inform him about it beforehand.)

I also have been looking for a chicken mascot costume, for obvious reasons. I have a very specific vision for the type of costume that I want, but everything I’ve found that even comes close to that is upwards of $1000.

This is sort of what I’m looking for, but maybe not quite:

Chickencostume

 

Now, before you start telling me that I could donate that money to help people in need, I feel it pertinent to remind you that I could help even more people in need by wearing a chicken costume. I tried explaining to Rand that it would basically pay for itself, but he said that that is an unreasonable amount of money to “spend on crazy.”

“But I’ve been wanting to get one for a while,” I said. At which point he just stared at me for a long time and said nothing. I think that’s what he does when he’s overcome by his love for me. (Love which should necessitate him letting me buy a chicken costume, but whatever.)

Anyway, I’m inclined to agree that $1200 is about $1150 more than I wanted to spend on a chicken costume. Here’s what Amazon suggested I look at, based on my browsing history, which I’m sure you will agree is utter bullshit:

AmazonCart2

WHAT. NO.

A THIRD OF THOSE ITEMS AREN’T EVEN CHICKEN RELATED. I can’t even imagine a situation in which a bunny or bear costume would be a legitimate substitute for a chicken costume. And two of those chickens are absolutely terrifying looking.

Also, the bear costume looks like a bear sex suit. I’m not judging, I’m just saying: clearly it’s for bear-related sex stuff.

At this point, Amazon is now clearly confused, because I also do my regular clothes shopping on there, so now the suggested items look like characters in an Absurdist play:

AmazonCart3

2 Girls, 1 Cluck.

Then I got lost down the Amazon suggested products wormhole and I couldn’t get out. In my confusion and fear, I started thinking that maybe a pizza costume would serve my purposes just as well as a chicken costume would (which is problematic on so many levels, I don’t really know where to begin).

AmazonCart7

Apparently 81% of people said it fit as expected. Which means they had an expectation beforehand for how a pizza costume should fit.

 

And then, somehow, I found this, which was a related item to the pizza costume above (obviously):

AmazonCart5

EXCEPT THAT IT IS TOTALLY RACIST. Seriously, the inclusion of the sombrero is just not cool, and then I looked at the other suggested items, and it just got more offensive and racisty.

AmazonCart6I started to wonder how something as beautiful and pure as my search for a chicken mascot costume became so ugly.

Then, for several long minutes, I found myself fixating on this, which is only $12. I found myself wondering how I could afford not to buy it.

AmazonCart8

I asked Rand if he wanted a corresponding egg costume.

“No,” he said.

“Well, then we’re running out of options, because you can’t be the bacon. You’re Jewish,” I reminded him. (I decided not to mention the racist taco.)

Rand didn’t say anything, so I figured he hadn’t heard me, and shouted it at him again, louder.

“YOU CAN’T BE THE BACON.”

Or maybe he was just overcome with love, again. That happens a lot in our house.

Anyway, I’ve decided I’m just going to try to make my own chicken mascot head. I’ll let you know how that goes.

—————

A lot of you have asked why I need a chicken costume, and I have several plans in mind, but mostly it’s to mess with the new neighbors. I want to wear it while washing dishes, and wait until one of them notices me and calls their friends over to see. In the brief moment that they take their eyes off the scene, I’m going to tear the chicken head off and continue washing dishes, so that by the time their friends come over, they’ll be like, “What the hell are you talking about? There’s no chicken there.”

Or maybe I’ll just position a chair on the landing and stare into their living room while wearing the costume, with my arm around a bucket of chicken. The possibilities are endless.

Anywho, please sound off in the comments: which costume would freak out the neighbors the most? (The racist taco is not an option.)

Leave a Comment

  • Amrit K

    As long as you wear the Chicken head with one of those sexy biker luau skirts.

  • Jemma Beedie

    This is very funny.

    Am I totally uncool if I have a solution to the skirt thing though? Have you used Polyvore? I just did a quick search for skirts with a lace overlay and there are some options, including the skirt you used to illustrate, on gilt.com.

  • Joe Leyba

    Serious question: Have you looked into a Loch Ness costume? There’s nothing better than a heckling Nessie.

    • Everywhereist

      This … this is a very good idea.

  • Jennifer Roberts

    Oh my GOSH, yes, you must update us with how your DIY chicken head exploits go!

  • Hilary Darrah

    A Google image search says that your skirt was most likely made by Nicholas (creative brand name, bro…) but it looks like it’s out of stock everywhere online. One site suggested an Alive + Olivia skirt which looks less like the “Halloween Flapper costume” suggestions from Amazon and more like the one you wanted. http://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/Alice-Olivia-Misty-Mid-Length-Sheer-Hem-Skirt/prod111290060/p.prod?ecid=BGALRgcdL/ATRVoE&ci_src=14110925&ci_sku=sku91300392

    • Everywhereist

      Oh, you are too sweet – I actually found the one in the image, but it’s like, $200. Which is totally ridiculous, since half of it is basically missing.

  • KarenK

    Have you considered the Left Shark from the Katy Perry Super Bowl Half Time show? I think everyone should have a Left Shark costume in their closet.

  • Just let Rand dress you again and you should be fine

  • Isa

    I thought you might apriciate this: https://instagram.com/chiliphilly/

  • Would a chicken onesie work? http://www.amazon.com/Halloween-Costumes-Chicken-Sleeping-Kigurumi/dp/B00OAAL1K4

    Seems much more economical, plus the addition of the keyword “onesie” to your Amazon profile can only diversify and add confusion to your suggested items.

  • Krystal

    I would definitely donate to a kickstarter fund for a chicken costume. Let me know when it goes live.

  • Ditch the chicken. For $12 that bacon strip will serve your neighbor-confusing purposes. Hell, I’m going to order that costume RIGHT NOW!

  • Oh my god, I’m crying, I’m laughing so hard at this. I definitely vote for staring into their living room in the chicken suit, holding a bucket of chicken. Priceless. It’s creepy, but so hilarious. I can’t think of a better reason to own a chicken costume.

  • You should buy an egg AND chicken costume. Maybe then you’ll be able to solve the age-old question of which came first.

  • Pizza for sure.

    Plus, I’ve been eyeing this skirt for a long time: http://www.jcpenney.com/mng-by-mango-midi-eyelet-skirt/prod.jump?ppId=pp5005090151… Similar to what you want, but it may not be sexy biker luau-y enough for you.

  • Christine

    two words…SpongeBob Squarepants. That would scare the crap out of me.

  • If you really want to mess with the neighbors, wear a chicken head over the egg costume. Since Rand won’t wear it and all. Because it would clash horribly with the pizza costume. And because chicken/egg in the worst possible way.

  • Tina

    Ha! “YOU CAN’T BE THE BACON!” works in every household (or, I’ve been shouting it at my husband all week, too, to my great amusement).

  • Everywhereist

    You really need to stop looking medical stuff up on the internet. Seriously. Listen to your wife! 🙂 Glad to hear she’s doing well.

  • Everywhereist

    I’m not gonna lie: this was kind of the plan.

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