For the last few weeks, I’ve been searching for two very specific items that I am sure will improve my life in all sorts of unimaginable ways.
The first is a skirt.
I am having trouble describing it, but it is one of those skirts with an overlay that comes down over the inner layer, in a way that doesn’t look like you’ve had a serious hemming accident or bunched up your slip around your butt on accident. Ideally, something like this:
It would look totally the same when I wore it, except that I wouldn’t be wearing shoes designed by a sadist, and my thighs are literally twice the width of hers. Also, I have an upper body. So not the same at all, really. But the skirt is cute, don’t you think?
Amazon has managed to distort what I’m looking for into this:
Which is what you would wear to a sexy biker luau. (Note to self: make this the theme for Rand’s next b-day party. Forget to inform him about it beforehand.)
I also have been looking for a chicken mascot costume, for obvious reasons. I have a very specific vision for the type of costume that I want, but everything I’ve found that even comes close to that is upwards of $1000.
This is sort of what I’m looking for, but maybe not quite:
Now, before you start telling me that I could donate that money to help people in need, I feel it pertinent to remind you that I could help even more people in need by wearing a chicken costume. I tried explaining to Rand that it would basically pay for itself, but he said that that is an unreasonable amount of money to “spend on crazy.”
“But I’ve been wanting to get one for a while,” I said. At which point he just stared at me for a long time and said nothing. I think that’s what he does when he’s overcome by his love for me. (Love which should necessitate him letting me buy a chicken costume, but whatever.)
Anyway, I’m inclined to agree that $1200 is about $1150 more than I wanted to spend on a chicken costume. Here’s what Amazon suggested I look at, based on my browsing history, which I’m sure you will agree is utter bullshit:
A THIRD OF THOSE ITEMS AREN’T EVEN CHICKEN RELATED. I can’t even imagine a situation in which a bunny or bear costume would be a legitimate substitute for a chicken costume. And two of those chickens are absolutely terrifying looking.
Also, the bear costume looks like a bear sex suit. I’m not judging, I’m just saying: clearly it’s for bear-related sex stuff.
At this point, Amazon is now clearly confused, because I also do my regular clothes shopping on there, so now the suggested items look like characters in an Absurdist play:
Then I got lost down the Amazon suggested products wormhole and I couldn’t get out. In my confusion and fear, I started thinking that maybe a pizza costume would serve my purposes just as well as a chicken costume would (which is problematic on so many levels, I don’t really know where to begin).
And then, somehow, I found this, which was a related item to the pizza costume above (obviously):
EXCEPT THAT IT IS TOTALLY RACIST. Seriously, the inclusion of the sombrero is just not cool, and then I looked at the other suggested items, and it just got more offensive and racisty.
Then, for several long minutes, I found myself fixating on this, which is only $12. I found myself wondering how I could afford not to buy it.
I asked Rand if he wanted a corresponding egg costume.
“No,” he said.
“Well, then we’re running out of options, because you can’t be the bacon. You’re Jewish,” I reminded him. (I decided not to mention the racist taco.)
Rand didn’t say anything, so I figured he hadn’t heard me, and shouted it at him again, louder.
“YOU CAN’T BE THE BACON.”
Or maybe he was just overcome with love, again. That happens a lot in our house.
Anyway, I’ve decided I’m just going to try to make my own chicken mascot head. I’ll let you know how that goes.
A lot of you have asked why I need a chicken costume, and I have several plans in mind, but mostly it’s to mess with the new neighbors. I want to wear it while washing dishes, and wait until one of them notices me and calls their friends over to see. In the brief moment that they take their eyes off the scene, I’m going to tear the chicken head off and continue washing dishes, so that by the time their friends come over, they’ll be like, “What the hell are you talking about? There’s no chicken there.”
Or maybe I’ll just position a chair on the landing and stare into their living room while wearing the costume, with my arm around a bucket of chicken. The possibilities are endless.
Anywho, please sound off in the comments: which costume would freak out the neighbors the most? (The racist taco is not an option.)