In my younger years (of which I have increasingly more and more … TIME, SERIOUSLY, CUT IT OUT) I often dreamed of spending New Year’s Eve in Times Square. I’d be huddled alongside the masses, and it would be cold and clear and wonderful. The ball would drop, the crowd would cheer, and I’d have someone to kiss.

But as the years passed, and I actually spent some time in Manhattan, I realized that my dream New Year’s Eve, much like my girlhood vow to marry Charlie Sheen*, could not stand the test of time.

This year, we found ourselves in Jersey at the end of December, and we were contemplating going into the city for a few days. We had different agendas: some of us wanted to shop (okay, fine. It was me), some of us wanted to eat cupcakes (also me), but we all agreed on one point – we had to get out of the city by New Year’s Eve. Because it was going to be a madhouse.

And boy, were we right.

We could barely walk through Bryant Park. There were people everywhere.

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The city was packed. Uptown, downtown, side streets, alleys. Every lobby of every hotel was mobbed, ever restaurant crowded, every show sold-out.

Before we left town on the night of the 30th, I glanced at some fliers our hotel was distributing, with tips about the festivities for New Years’ Eve. Apparently the NYPD was setting up “holding pens” in Times Square for those who wanted to participate in the festivities. They recommended you arrive before 4pm, pile into the pens, and … wait for midnight. Supposedly folks were there starting at dawn.

“Gah,” I told Rand. “That sounds so boring. And I hate port-o-potties.”

At which point my husband politely informed me that there were no port-o-potties. The people waiting in the pens would have to stay there for at least 8 hours, with no access to bathrooms.

And that was when I learned something alarming and somewhat unbelievable. Apparently a lot of the Times Square revelers that you see on television? They are wearing adult diapers. VOLUNTARILY.

Yup.

Let’s recap: a group of young people with  (presumably) perfectly functioning bladders were standing out in the cold wearing adult-sized diapers, all so they could watch Cee Lo Green butcher a John Lennon song, along with thousands of like-minded idiots. I fear for the future, as should you.

We, instead, stayed in Jersey. We made dinner, drank some wine, had access to a bathroom whenever we needed it, and went to bed at a reasonable hour.

No, we weren’t in Times Square. We weren’t even in New York. And it wasn’t particularly cold or clear. But the ball dropped, and at midnight, I had someone to kiss. And if I squinted, he almost looked like Charlie Sheen of years ago – before all that winning nonsense ruined his face.

This photo is blurry on account of love.

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Plus, I wasn’t wearing a diaper, so there’s that.
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*I was eight. Don’t judge. It’s not like you made great decisions when you were eight, either.

Full list of categories:  WTF
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Comments (32)

  1. 1

    I managed 32 years of living without knowing that is how its done. What makes this news even worse to take in is that I have a friend who celebrated new years in time square. I was envious of him for a very long time. I am so glad you had a good time in Jersey.

  2. 2
    Bekka says:

    Times Square for NYE sounds like another depth of hell to me. NO BATHROOMS???? I fully agree. Hope you had fun while you were here, I want to catch you guys next time!

  3. 3
    Meg B says:

    No. Just no. I could not possibly wear an adult diaper. Although if I drank enough wine I might…no, nevermind. Not gonna happen.

    I love your sparkly headband by the way. I can’t wear headbands, they make me look like an eight year old. So I’m suffering headband envy.

  4. 4
    Becca says:

    New Year’s Eve in NY is like my ultimate nightmare. No bathrooms, no food (I get CRANKY when I’m hungry) and a million people (I get panic attacks when I’m in a really crowded room). No freaking way.

    • 4.1
      Everywhereist says:

      I’m pretty much exactly the same way. Unless I had my own working toilet with running water, food stand, and sitting area (with substantial space between each for hygiene reasons), this wouldn’t work for me.

      • 4.1.1
        Becca says:

        We should build something that just you, me, Rand and my hubs can sit in. It could be a clear box (so no one else can come in but we can still see out) with a little private bathroom and a kitchen. We can point and laugh at everyone else that is peeing on themselves.

        That is the only way I would participate in the NYE festivities in NY.

        • 4.1.1.1
          Everywhereist says:

          Can the toilet part not be made of clear glass, though? Because that would defeat the purpose.

        • 4.1.1.2
          Becca says:

          The toilet part would definitely NOT be made of glass. I can barely pee in a public bathroom with dividing walls so a clear stall would not work for me.

  5. 5
    Melanie says:

    Eeeewww. I never even fathomed that people would do this. Gross. And Times Square on New Year’s sounds like hell to me. No thanks.

    When I was 8 I was in love with Dudley Moore in Arthur. I can never judge another human being due to this fact.

    • 5.1
      Everywhereist says:

      Oh, I LOVED Dudley Moore as a kid. What was it about him and his appeal to little ones? What it is his diminutive stature? His resemblance to a troll doll? What?

      • 5.1.1
        Melanie says:

        Seriously, I have no idea. I’m so glad someone shared my adoration.

        • 5.1.1.1
          Xenia says:

          I was totally weird cuz I was the only girl in my class to not be in love with Johnny Depp, and the only one to like Karate Kid Ralph Macchio.
          But I kinda figure that the 80′s were confusing for everyone, kids and adults alike (just look at the hairdo’s)!

  6. 6
    Mitch Monsen says:

    Ironically, one of my decision at age 8 was to wear adult diapers on New Year’s Eve.

    Or maybe it was be awake all of New Year’s Eve.

    I definitely had a New Year’s resolution of some sort.

    …Yeah, I’ll leave your blog now.

    • 6.1
      Everywhereist says:

      Why? Clearly, you belong here.

      • 6.1.1
        Mitch Monsen says:

        Well, I was mostly ashamed that my /badjoke> closing tag didn’t show up.

        At any rate, having never ventured further east in the US than Texas, I appreciate the vivid, unpleasant imagery of your post. At the very least, I can be sure I’m not missing much.

        I can see grown people peeing their pants at any local bar. AND without the airfare.

  7. 7
    Brittany Thompson says:

    I have totally done new years in time square. It sucks. My husband and I waited in a “pen” from noon till midnight, had nothing to eat or drink all day (so as to spare myself of the embarrassment of wearing said adult diapers), had hypothermia from standing in the freezing a** cold all day, it smells so bad you feel the need to hurl at all times (this because all the bring people decide to pee in cups and leave them on the sides of the street), and little known fact its all for TV anyway as soon as it goes to commercial everyone stops and gets quiet (which is a little creepy). You have missed nothing trust me. Besides kissing someone in time square on new years eve isn’t all that romantic, you cant even feel your lips. Rest assured you have missed nothing and had a much better time on new years than all the drunk idiots out there.

    • 7.1
      Brittany Thompson says:

      oh and lets not forget my poison of choice was Johnathan Taylor Thomas and the Hanson boys… yeah no judgement here.

    • 7.2
      Everywhereist says:

      Brittany – Oh, dear lord. That sounds truly, truly awful. Did you nearly keel over from dehydration/hunger? Because I would have. And it’s SILENT DURING COMMERCIALS? That sounds both creepy and weird.

      Also, I have many questions. Were ladies also peeing into cups? Because from a biological standpoint, that is far more difficult. Were people drunk? Were they able to sneak booze in? Was anyone drunk at noon? Can you sit down? At one point (say, 6pmish) were you like, “SCREW THIS, I’m going home!”?

      • 7.2.1
        kokopuff says:

        Although I’ve never been to Times Square on NYE, I can say with confidence that I’m sure the ladies formed a circle and took turns peeing on the pavement in the middle of it. (They used to do this an an outdoor concert venue by my house when the bathroom lines were too long.) So not only do you go a looong time without food or water — or alcohol, and doesn’t that defeat the entire purpose of New Year’s Eve? — but you get to stand in a puddle of urine. Delish.

  8. 8
    Ana Caetano says:

    Ahahah
    This is hilarious!
    I am planning on going to NY for the first time this year, and all of my friends are telling me that we should go in the new year’s eve. So, when I say that I prefer to go in the spring they start rolling their eyes. BUT now I have a very good reason. Thanks!

    Great blog by the way!

    Ana (from Portugal)

    • 8.1
      Everywhereist says:

      If you are going to New York for the first time, I do NOT recommend going in the winter or the holidays. The spring is a GREAT time to go. The weather is often great (but not yet too hot), tickets and hotel rates will be substantially cheaper, the city will be far less crowded, and you’ll have an easier time doing and seeing everything you want. I am not sure what impression your friends have of the city during New Year’s, but as a lot of people have already commented, it’s not actually all that fun.

      • 8.1.1
        Ana Caetano says:

        Thank you so much for all the tips! :)

        Now that I have some very good arguments from you, I am sure that I will win all of our discussions regarding the trip.

  9. 9
    NerdDad says:

    Oh my. I always wanted to see the ball drop in Times Square. But, really, if that’s the price I have to pay for that privilege….I think I’ll just pass.

  10. 10
    catcat says:

    Now I will add the smell of stale urine to any clip I see of Times Square.

  11. 11

    I recently moved to Jersey from CA and thought I would do the whole times square thing but then came to the same conclusion as you. Do I really want to bring in the new year miserably cold, on the crowded streets, sober and having to pee… Nope! Great story and great writing style!

  12. 12
    Philip says:

    I did spend one NYE in NYC, but at a party there was so much champagne that everybody had their own bottle. Or in my case, bottles. I woke up at 3:00 the next afternoon (completely immobilized) in my then-girlfriend’s sister’s apartment, to the sound of my then-girlfriend’s sister shouting “When the fuck is he going to leave?”

    I should have peed in a cup and left it behind the couch.

  13. 13
    Anwar says:

    I had no idea that they wear adult diapers for the new years celebrations. Between that and the crowds, the cold, and all the crazy people, it kinda ruins the “magic” of new years eve in times square.

  14. 14
    Sailaja says:

    I had the NY times square experience at Sydney’s new year fireworks from harbour bridge. We had to get into the over crowded pier outside the opera house before 12 pm under the scorching sun and once inside you need to stay ( also sit if you carried your own chair ) with no way to get even to the port o potties.

    The adult diapers idea almost baffled me ( though i personally would not do it )

  15. 15
    Carolyn says:

    Wow, thanks for enabling me to shorten my Bucket List by one item.

    • 15.1
      Everywhereist says:

      Though think, Carolyn: if wearing adult diapers was ALSO on your bucket list, you could have killed two birds with one stone. Just sayin’.

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