WTF Weds: Staples In My Head

Posted on
Jul 11, 2012

For several days, there were staples in my head. I wish there were a more technical term for them, but there isn’t. They were not sutures or metallic head brackets or anything like that. These were good, old-fashioned, industrial-size staples, like the kind you’d find at the hardware store.

Miraculously, I don’t remember most of them going in, save for one. I do remember that last one, because it felt like … well, it felt like someone putting a staple into your head. The poor doctor wielding the staple gun apologized repeatedly.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “This is why no one likes me.”

That sentiment made me incredibly sad. Imagine no one liking you because your job is to put staples in people’s heads. Tragic, really (and for the record, I really liked her).

The good news is that getting them out doesn’t hurt at all. My friend Chad (who I have never met in real life, but we talk on the internet, so I’ve declared him my friend) describes the experience of getting his head staples out on his blog. It’s somewhat riotous (as is his entire blog) and I suggest you read it.

I can vouch for everything he says. They pretty much use a staple-remover and pull the suckers out, and you barely feel a thing.

Mine came out last week, and for the last few days, I’ve just had a bit of a sore spot on my head, along with itchiness where my bald spot is growing back in. (Yes, I have a bald spot now. Oh, and the steroids have given me a gut. I’ve never felt closer kinship to middle-aged men than I have at this moment. I might try and pick myself up at a bar later. Hopefully I won’t get shot down.)

Anywho, what was I talking about? Oh, yes. Brain staples. My friend Bob recently sent me this:

“Oooh it looks like the Cookie Monster!” – My mom


He made it just for me. It’s my head, obviously, with little googly eyes on it. And then he sent me a fruit bouquet, which is basically the best kind of bouquet you can send anyone. It shows that you care as much as sending them flowers, BUT YOU CAN ALSO EAT IT. You all know how much I love eating things.

Bob is really wonderful, is my point. As are fruit bouquets. Brain staples not so much.

Leave a Comment

  • Thanks for coming back…the world needs a little saving 🙂
    I always knew you are made of steel. Now you have proof.
    Take care.

  • I remember having staples – I had 5 of them. I got hurt one night out (long story) and the doctor had to staple my head.

    When I felt they had done their job, I actually pulled mine out myself… ( yeah I know, stupid). Still have a tiny scar at the back of my head, and sometimes it itches.

    But staples are cool.they don’t hurt as bad as they sound.

  • TheOtherLisa

    I’ve had adventures in staple land. Unfortunately the rules of society dictated that my staples be covered by clothing which would then catch on the staples and pull. I ended up looking quite like I was doing the Ed Grimley dance for about a week.

    It was at least entertaining for the kids.

  • The whole staples thing makes me feel a bit queasy. Good to know it’s not as horrendous as I might imagine. I also imagine it might possible to get a tune out by running your fingernail down them. If I ever get head staples, or meet someone with them in, I will try that and report back.

  • it is a real talent to make others laugh. not everyone who thinks they have it actually do!
    u DO DO DO!
    (ur habits are beginning to rub off on me! using caps!)

  • Woman you are funny! I nearly spit out my tea when I got to the bit about your kinship with middle-aged men. Hopefully you are laughing with us through your trials. Glad you’re on the mend!

  • Bob deserves a huge hug or a brownie for that picture. Hilarious. I’m glad your bald spot is so teeny. It’s so crazy how far they’ve come in just the last few years. Before they would’ve shaved half your head. Then you might have had to sing Nothing Compares To You and rip up a picture of the pope.

  • Oh my goodness, I saw that picture on my phone and the first thing that popped into my head is the little critter from Dark Crystal, the one that is all mouth/teeth and eyes? Fizzgig!

    This guy:

  • Cass

    Your recent posts reminded me of a Ted talk you may want to check out:

    Glad that benign Steve has moved on to greener pa(rt)stures.

  • Seeing pictures of the staples made my stomach turn a bit, but it’s okay. I’m glad you made it out alive 🙂

  • So happy to hear you’re out of surgery, sans cancer and eating again. All is right with the world.

  • Joe

    I don’t care if the whole club is dead, cause there’s staples in my head, staples in my head

  • I had 14 staples going up the back of my head after my neurosurgery. It was super strange to have them get taken out so easily. I still remember the plinking noise they made when the guy (who knows who it was) threw them into the metal dish. People called me zipper head after that.

    As for bald spots–I had two of them in the front of my head from where the clamps used during surgery. Being bald there was sorta fine–until they grew back and then they looked like two horns on the top of my head. Very devil-like. It was super attractive. Hope yours grows back quickly and unobtrusively!

  • It looks like Cookie Monster got into the “special” cookie jar…

  • Hillary

    I’m not a regular “commenter” but I am so glad I read your post today! I KNOW CHAD!! He is/was great friends with my husband but they have been out of touch these last few months. Now I know why!! I cannot believe your link was to Chad Peacock and his brain surgery photos are nuts! He has so much positivity. You need to meet and be friends in person too b/c he is fantastic and makes really fun duct tape wallets (or at least he did). Small world… thank you

  • I’ve never had staples in my head, but I have had staples above my girly business twice, after my two c-secitons. (Wow that sounds like a great sitcom or something.) Anyway, with Jonas one of my staples was WAY OFF out in nowheresland, not at all having anything to do with my actual incision. It looked like I had some strange hip piercing. This has nothing to do with brain surgery. This is why I don’t have many friends.

    My mother, however, did have brain surgery that required staples. And when she got them out, it was kind of gruesome to watch. But I watched. Again, not many friends.

    Glad you’re doing well. I kind of want to pet your bald spot. Not in a creepy way. Although, maybe there is no NOT creepy way to say that.

    Shut up. You’ve hung out with me on purpose. You have only yourself to blame.

  • Skippy

    Glad you are healing so well and when they took Steve he left your most excellent sense of humor behind. Whew. 🙂

    Take care

  • Manju

    Glad you are getting better And you are taking it as cheerfully as ever!

    You take care and be back on the roads soon 🙂

  • WOOHOOO you made it! enough to live and let another sarcasm filled post brighten up our day!
    See ya Steve! (Wow – you know that really does roll off the tongue well).

  • I had a fruit bouquet waiting for me when I got out of the hospital! BEST THING EVER! After days in the hospital with limp, flavorless foods those fruits were out of this wold!
    I also had 50 staples, ear to ear. I can’t say they didn’t hurt that much coming out, I talked through it but it wasn’t the most comfortable experience, probably felt better than them going in though which thankfully I have no recollection of!

  • Rob Rob

    This is interesting. I had three brain surgeries. I had a subdural hematoma, a kind of internal hemorrhage inside the skull next to the brain. The first operation was called a “burrhole.” The second and third ones were craniotomies. Of all the people that have what I had, only 1% need a third operation. Lucky me! After each one I had those staples put in. They really itched – not they hurt like crazy. After the third one there were 27 in there. It hurt like crazy when they came out – because I got ticked off and I pulled them out. True story. The nurses, the doctors, my neurosurgeon, my brother and my girlfriend were really angry with me. But they hurt darnnit all!

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