WTF Weds: This is What Happens When You Pitch Shitty Products To Me

Posted on
Oct 2, 2013
Posted in: WTF, WTF Wednesdays

… I go on what I like to call a “rage bender.”

On any given day, despite my desperate pleas to be left alone, I receive at least a dozen press releases from people asking me to try out a new product and review it on the blog. Most of the items they are schlepping seem to be odor-killing chemicals that you put in your toilet bowl before taking a crap, because apparently as a society, this is one of our biggest concerns: we literally want other people to think our shit doesn’t stink.

I think global warming might be a problem, too, but whatever.

Without fail, I ignore these requests, and I’m going to tell you that it’s for some noble reason, like keeping the integrity of my blog intact (such that it is). But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that laziness had something to do with it, too.

I usually delete without hesitation, but sometimes curiosity gets the best of me, and I click on a link. It usually leads to nothing terribly interesting, until this past week.

That was when I discovered a company selling some of the worst products, ever. I’ve decided not to identify them by name, because I don’t want to reward stupidity with publicity. Instead, I will simply say that they are based in the UK, and that I am fairly certain that their product development team is headed up by hyper-intelligent crustaceans who almost understand the human race.

They specialize in wall decals, which is already problematic. Are you familiar with wall decals? They’re like giant stickers that you can stick wherever you want.

Okay, to be fair, that sounds awesome. But as someone who spent her childhood being driven mad by the bubbles in the contact paper liner of her drawers, I can only imagine the havoc that wall decals would wreak on my psyche. I’d probably be obsessed with the idea that my ginormous wall decal of Tom Cruise was slightly askew, and then I’d try to peel it off and reposition it, but it would still be crooked, and I would be driven mad by his FURROWED-BROW GAZE.

And Rand would find me, crouching in a corner, rocking back and forth and mumbling, “No, you be my wingman, Maverick. You be my wingman …”

(Please note that while composing this post, it was at this point that I took a twenty minute interlude to look up photos of a shirtless, 20-something Val Kilmer, because I am committed to my craft.)

And in case you think that earlier example was hypothetical:

GIANT WALL DECALS OF TOM CRUISE ARE A THING.

I mean, how the hell would you explain this to your in-laws when they came over to visit? Or imagine if you and your husband had a huge fight in the living room. Dear god, the two of you would be screaming at each other and all the while he’d just be staring … staring.

I bet Cruise would enjoy it, too. He seems like a wee, spiteful man.

I cannot, honestly, imagine how this came about. Did someone request it? Were they flooded with emails from people demanding a decal of Tom Cruise’s head? Or did they just decide this in a meeting?

Businessperson #1: We should sell celebrity wall decals. Giant ones. But just of their disembodied heads.

Businessperson #2: Yes. YES. People love disembodied heads.

BP #1: We could go for timeless celebrities, like Marilyn Monroe or James Dean or –

BP #2: OR TOM CRUISE.

BP #1: My god, yes. Yes. Tom Cruise.

BP #2: Is there anyone else we should include?

BP #1: Hmmm …

David Letterman, apparently. And also the 32nd President of the United States of America:

This would make a great present for your friend who’s really into dimes.

What amazes me the most is that in the sample photo, they’ve put it in someone’s living room (and not like, a high school). Because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into my home and thought, “You know what this place needs? FDR’s head.”

But don’t worry – they haven’t forgotten about the children. And what does every child want on the wall of their bedroom?

SIX-SHOOTERS!

Of course, a decal of just a pair of guns is kind of ridiculous, so …

Note the toys on the ground.

I’m glad they also included the silhouette of an officer wielding a weapon in combat.

And just in case you deem all of that inappropriate for children:

“Sleep well, my angels, and don’t let the giant, maniacally grinning skeleton devour you whole during the night.”

After seeing all of this, I tried to figure out precisely why this company reached out to me. I found that they had number of geographically-themed decals, which could be tenuously related to travel, I guess. The company, as I mentioned before, is based in the UK. This quickly becomes apparent when you compare their rendition of London’s skyline …

… to that of Rome:

But hey, skylines are tough, right? It hardly seems fair to pick on them for that. A city’s appearance varies greatly depending on your viewing angle and how drunk you are.

Countries, fortunately, are always depicted in pretty much the same way, so if you want an enormous, geographically-accurate map of Germany on your wall, you can have that.

Not to be confused with mold.

You are shit out of luck, though, if you want Japan.

In the designer’s defense, no one really knows what Japan actually looks like, right?

OH WAIT YES THEY DO.

I was ready to dismiss it all, because while it was odd, it wasn’t actually WTF material. That was until I saw this, which … oh, dear.

I mean, it seems like maybe we shouldn’t have generic, inaccurate depictions of an ethnic group, you know? We’re all in it together on this planet, and OH SWEET JESUS WHAT IS THAT?

What. In. The. Actual. Fuck.

No. No. No. Jesus. This makes the giant Tom Cruise head seem reasonable by comparison. Seriously, people. WTF. STOP EMAILING ME WITH THIS STUFF OR I WILL LOSE WHATEVER DWINDLING FAITH I HAVE LEFT IN HUMANITY.

Christ.

I’m gonna go watch clips of the volleyball scene from Top Gun whilst trying to forget that any of this ever happened.

Leave a Comment

  • This is just too funny!!!!!

    Tacky x 3!!!

    Mel

  • Tangeria

    I have often felt that Tom Cruise is indeed a wee, spiteful man, so it is quite reassuring to know that there are others who see past his twinkling, maniac eyes. Awesome. (although, to be completely honest, I actually kind of want wall decals. =) )

  • Meg B

    I don’t know if it’s just me or what but when Val Kilmer does that weird biting thing when he’s talking to Tom Cruise I want to rip his clothes off and…wait, is this a family friendly website? If so, I won’t go into details. Seriously, Val Kilmer is smoking hot in that movie. Who cares about Maverick!

    Can I get a giant decal of Val Kilmer in a towel on my wall? My husband wouldn’t mind at all. People would be all “Is that Val Kilmer from Top Gun” and I would be all “Yep, just wearing a towel.”And they would be all “Does your husband mind?” and I would be all “WHO DOESN’T LOVE VAL KILMER IN A TOWEL?!?!” And then they would run away from me because I got all shouty.

    Have you watched “Real Genius”? Because Val Kilmer in “Real Genius” is brilliant! “Is that popcorn? I hate popcorn!” “Good. Now I know what to get you for your birthday.”

    And now I lost my train of thought.

    Sorry assholes from websites with terrible racial sterotypes are sending you email messages. Don’t lose your faith in humanity. Just think about baby otters holding hands. And Val Kilmer in a towel.

    • “It is a story about a man’s struggle with his own homosexuality:”

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzY9a-WmE6o

      #justsayin’

      • Meg B

        Well, at least according to Tarantino, the gays beat the Russions so there is that.

        Also, Iceman is still hot.

      • Everywhereist

        Is it weird that the inaccuracies in his account of Top Gun bothered me? He totally botched the last line. It’s “You can be my wingman, any time.”

        Also, is it a problem that I know that?

  • Colleen

    Those decals seem ridiculously fake. In a different note, I fell in love with men from the Navy because of Top Gun. I have yet to meet anyone from the Navy, but I still have Top Gun to keep me warm.

  • You are the best.

  • I get bombarded with the same…well, not the same stuff but with a bunch of those emails. Please don’t hate me but mine want to know if I would like to sample their booze. Hell yes I open them up and write them back and now I need to have a huge party because I have 16 cases of booze that I’ve maybe made one drink with and it keeps coming! Need some? Maybe it would help?

    • Everywhereist

      WHY AM I NOT ON THAT MAILING LIST, BARBARA? WHY?

  • Joe

    Fantastic. It makes me wonder just how many businesses are (unintentionally?) based around gag gifts, because someone in my family is getting one of these for Christmas. Sorry for supporting your nemesis.

  • Ruth

    Craaaab people! Craaab people!

    Taste like crab, talk like people.

  • Janet T

    I’m sure some of these will haunt my dreams (nightmares?) for awhile. Thank you for being committed to your craft- my morning will be warmer thinking of Val Kilmer in The Doors movie- a nice cross between Val Kilmer and Jim Morrison wearing low riding tight leather pants

  • LarenR

    And now I have googled “Tom Cruise wall decal” (which, surprisingly, was not one of the auto-fill options) to check out the rest of the ridiculousness.

    I gotta say, you barely scratched the surface of this absurdity! They seem to have have thousands of designs. Including Obama! And MMA star Chuck Liddel! Can I get both of them and have them stare at each other from across the room? If only they had Mitch McConnell or John Boehner…

  • WOW… Ummm wow.

    That is all.

  • Cyrus

    Now I want giant wall decals! Dammit Geraldine.

  • But just look at the great “WTF Wednesday” blog fodder these shitty product pitchers provide! If only for that, it may be worth it!

  • WHAT THE….
    things got weirder the closer I scrolled to the bottom of your post!!
    Love it.

  • FACT: Shirtless Val Kilmer is the best part of Top Gun. Your interlude was 100% justifiable.

  • OH my. I cannot tell you how much I needed this laugh today, in a day of government shutdowns. That literally made me snortle water at my desk. Thank you.

  • I was once blessed with a Fathead giant sticker of a NASCAR car from my boyfriend (who shortly became my EX boyfriend… not related to the gift however). I do like NASCAR – but I did not need a 4 foot long sticker of a stock car on my wall. I reluctantly put it up to not hurt his feelings and lived with the shame.

  • Tyler

    Thank you for this, Geraldine. On a day when nothing seems to be going right, this little bit of comedic relief is truly appreciated.

  • This is BRILLIANT! Your writing always makes me smile. The last line made me crack up! Thank you for the mid-week laugh!

  • Will

    I’m surprised you didn’t want to review poopourri, although I agree 100% with your assessment.

  • Try being slightly OCD and being in charge of slapping monkey jungle themed decals (because saying decals sounds so much classier than stickers) on your son’s bedroom walls…that happen to be textured. Oh the humanity! The bubbles…will they ever stop?

    The only upside is that the monkey and vines have been replaced…by GIANT ROBOT DECALS.

    With bubbles. Lots and lots of bubbles.

  • The Tom Cruise head is the least disturbing thing on this page. And that is something that no one ever has had cause to say before.

  • Miriam Lou

    Fabulous! Just for accuracy, the silhouette of the gun-toting soldier is not an officer. Officers carry handguns. Going to look up Val Kilmer now.

  • I read “OH SWEET JESUS WHAT IS THAT?” and still wasn’t prepared for that last abomination. Wow!!!

  • It could be worse. Custom-printed body pillows are a thing.

  • How did they know I want an enormous, geographically-accurate map of Germany on my wall?! Mind readers, those super-intelligent crustaceans are!

  • if you put Germany on the skeleton’s head, then maybe you can pretend it’s dead Donald Trump. And maybe, just maybe, you’d have a really good day.

  • I thought the US was supposed to be the only gun crazy 1st world country; but now that I see what this UK company wants you to put on your child’s bedroom wall, I think the NRA needs to reach out and make them honorary members.

  • Yeah, but when can i get a giant dismembered head decal of you?
    Ok, I really meant one of me.

  • Torre

    I can see a few of these being halfway useful. Like, if you’re rich enough to have a home theater room. Or perhaps you’re a history/geography/science teacher. Or maybe you run the local gun club in your garage…

    But that “Asian”… I don’t even…

  • Andrew Wasyluk

    I’m literally dying laughing in my cubicle….

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