In my constant search for comfortable travel shoes, I am amazed by the number of heinously ugly options out there. If these shoes were horses, they would be shot, immediately.
I once thought that I was immune to such ugliness. When searching for comfortable shoes online, there were so many options, I’d simply skip over the unappealing ones and straight to the cute. My brain has its own filter for this sort of thing. And yet, there are times when a shoe is so unsightly, it will not be ignored. It screams to be noticed. “LOOK AT ME!”, it shouts. “I WAS DESIGNED BY DRUNK KINDERGARTNERS!”
Some of these shoes are impractical. Others are baffling.
All of them are very, very ugly.
Here are the top twelve worst pairs I’ve encountered while digging through the bowels of Zappos. Enjoy.
Seriously? N42 is what you are going to call the shoe? Sweet Jesus. Put in a little effort. Give it a name. May I suggest “The Bertha”?
Ugh. These look like what the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man would wear when he wants to get laid.
These look like they’ve been whittled from a chunk of driftwood.
Let’s ignore for a second that this brand is called “Trotters”, a name that instantly brings to mind pigs in footwear. Instead, let’s try to think of a practical application for these:
They looked like they were ripped from the wardrobe of a holiday-themed adult film (a genre which, if it doesn’t already exist, needs to immediately. May I suggest the title Jingle Balls: Dashing Through the Hos?). But other than the rare occasion when Mrs. Claus gets frisky, I’m at a loss as to who, exactly would wear these.
These are the footwear equivalent of a coma. They aren’t that unpleasant, but you deserve more out of life, and everyone around you is saddened by them.
Bonus! For some reason, the back of these shoes has a rather cryptic message.
“The Body Shoe”? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
These shoes are ugly, yes, but more importantly, they defy sense: if they’re open at the back, WHY DO THEY NEED A STRAP ACROSS THE TOP? That’s like getting a cavity filled on your dentures.
For reasons that boggle the mind, they’re also available in lavender.
You know how sometimes you’ll see, like, a really old biker? And they try to look badass in their leather jackets, but really, they’re just little and old? And the whole scene is kind of off?
These shoes are kinda like that:
And yet … I KIND OF WANT THEM. I know. I’m scared, too.
Ever wonder why McDonald’s Grimace is the only one of his kind? Supposedly he had a family, but we’ve never seen them before. WHY? BECAUSE THEY WERE SKINNED TO MAKE THESE:
Are Crocs heinous? Absolutely. They might be the worse thing to happen to fashion since Rachel Zoe and her expressionless face convinced us all that anorexia is the new normal. Looking at this pair of Crocs, you may initially think they aren’t that bad, since by comparison they are soooo much cuter than the original.
BUT THEY AREN’T. Why? Because they’re Crocs attempting to NOT BE UGLY, and that’s even more pathetic somehow. It’s like, “I tried, and still, this is the best I could do.”
Also, they’re still made of plastic. Attention Zappos reviewers: want to know why your feet are sweaty? Because wearing these is the hygienic equivalent of swaddling your feet in Saran Wrap.
What colorblind moron conceived these?
Seriously. Somewhere there’s an 80s make-over montage that’s missing its shoes.
I find the name of this shoe hilarious, because it seems to imply that people who but it have an excess of sanity, when clearly the opposite is true. These look like they belong on a cross-dressing Frankenstein.
Also, $280?! Are you serious? For that price, I’ll just go barefoot and hire a cabana boy to rub my feet.
11. Jambu Capri
Remember those times when you were a kid, and you realized that you had a HUGE school project the next day that you’d totally forgotten about? So in the brief, rushed minutes before bed, you grabbed whatever you could find and glued it together, as a testament to your procrastination and shame?
This is the shoe equivalent of that.
12. Onex Venus
Apparently Zappos thinks 3-inch acrylic heels belong in the “comfort” category.
Lesson for the day, kids: When you’re purchasing a pair of shoes, “clear” should never be a color option. That is all.