WTF Weds: Staples In My Head

Posted on
Jul 11, 2012

For several days, there were staples in my head. I wish there were a more technical term for them, but there isn’t. They were not sutures or metallic head brackets or anything like that. These were good, old-fashioned, industrial-size staples, like the kind you’d find at the hardware store.

Miraculously, I don’t remember most of them going in, save for one. I do remember that last one, because it felt like … well, it felt like someone putting a staple into your head. The poor doctor wielding the staple gun apologized repeatedly.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “This is why no one likes me.”

That sentiment made me incredibly sad. Imagine no one liking you because your job is to put staples in people’s heads. Tragic, really (and for the record, I really liked her).

The good news is that getting them out doesn’t hurt at all. My friend Chad (who I have never met in real life, but we talk on the internet, so I’ve declared him my friend) describes the experience of getting his head staples out on his blog. It’s somewhat riotous (as is his entire blog) and I suggest you read it.

I can vouch for everything he says. They pretty much use a staple-remover and pull the suckers out, and you barely feel a thing.

Mine came out last week, and for the last few days, I’ve just had a bit of a sore spot on my head, along with itchiness where my bald spot is growing back in. (Yes, I have a bald spot now. Oh, and the steroids have given me a gut. I’ve never felt closer kinship to middle-aged men than I have at this moment. I might try and pick myself up at a bar later. Hopefully I won’t get shot down.)

Anywho, what was I talking about? Oh, yes. Brain staples. My friend Bob recently sent me this:

“Oooh it looks like the Cookie Monster!” – My mom


He made it just for me. It’s my head, obviously, with little googly eyes on it. And then he sent me a fruit bouquet, which is basically the best kind of bouquet you can send anyone. It shows that you care as much as sending them flowers, BUT YOU CAN ALSO EAT IT. You all know how much I love eating things.

Bob is really wonderful, is my point. As are fruit bouquets. Brain staples not so much.

Leave a Comment

More from The Blog

On Instagram @theeverywhereist

  • Thinking I just need to make all of @alisoneroman's recipes and write about it, Julie & Julia style.
  • When your friend catches you going full Lady and the Tramp with your beloved over a noodle.
  • Latkes with dill and shallots, topped with creme fraiche plus salmon roe. Merry Chrismukkah to all.
  • Okay, I'll admit: I really like how these came out. I need to get more adventurous with glazes, but I'm so digging this shape.
  • A sneak peek at the photoshoot that @hayleyyoungshotme did this morning at @majesticbaytheatres. We're going to be featured in an issue of Seattle Magazine early next year - about Seattle couples. Super excited. Details and more of shots of amazing hair as we get closer to the publication date.
  • Couldn't see what the barber was doing, but when he said "You want a design?" I replied, "HELL YES" and this happened. I'm delighted with the results.
  • Happy Halloween from the Joker and Harley Quinn, and to hell with the misogynistic manbabies out there.
  • First photo ever tagged of us on Facebook. Circa 12 years ago. Can we talk about how I've aged like an overripe piece of fruit left in the sun, but @randderuiter has only gotten hotter?
  • I call this look "I just ate a whole bunch of Violet Crumble and now I'm about to fall asleep from the sugar crash."
  • New personal slogan.

All Over The Place

Buy my book and I promise I'll never ask you for anything again.