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I AM THE PUPPET MASTER!

I am always amazed when people ask me for travel advice. I will often turn around to see precisely who they are talking to. Even if it’s in an email addressed to me, I’ll do a quick check over my shoulder just to make sure there isn’t someone better equipped to answer the question waiting there (as though Rick Steves is hiding in my office. Which would be equally horrifying and awesome).

I dispense my advice with some trepidation, reminding myself that these poor, misguided readers are under the impression that I know what I’m doing. And that they literally asked for it. The fools.

In this edition of Ask the Everywhereist, I once again present some of the questions I’ve received in my inbox lately, along with my feeble attempt at answers. Serves them right for thinking I was a reliable source of anything besides spite.

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In lieu of a guest blog post this week, I’ve decided to resurrect my short-lived Ask The Everywhereist feature. That way I can still exploit my readers for content (via their brilliant questions) without denying myself the pleasure of composing yet another snarky blog post! Plus, like Dear Abby and Prudie and all those other women who know everything, I’m dispensing useful advice to the masses!

What’s that, legal representation? Okay, fine – I’ll offer up a disclaimer. Sigh. This post is for entertainment purposes only. Any advice included therein may be considered the ramblings of a mad woman and should probably be ignored. Failing to ignore my advice should result in injury, emotional scarring, a general patina of ickiness, and possible deportation. You’ve been warned.

But onward!

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Jessica of WhyGoItaly writes …

Dear Everywhereist:

I really hate humidity. What can you do to make humid destinations more palatable for me?

Luv, Jessica

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Dear Everywhereist,


How did you decide that “Everywhereist” should be spelled “Everywhereist” and not “Everywherist”? Are you ever worried that people with Germanic tendencies will pronounce it “Everywhere-iced”?

Also, what is the appropriate formula for computing how many pairs of shoes one should pack, given the length (in days) of one’s trip? If the desired number of shoes would force you to use a larger suitcase than you would otherwise require, should you pack them all anyway, or limit yourself to only as many as fit into the smaller suitcase?

-Footloose in Fargo

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This photo has nothing to do with anything. I just think the phrase I NUT semEn is funny. (Photo courtesy of sister72 via flickr.com)

This photo has nothing to do with anything. I just think the phrase "I NUT semEn" is awesome. (Photo courtesy of sister72 via flickr.com)

Because I LOVE hearing what I have to say (and I know that you do, too), I’m launching a new weekly feature on the blog: Ask the Everywhereist. It’s where you can ask me all the burning questions that keep you up at night. Questions such as: ‘Where can I find the best pizza in San Francisco?’ ‘Can I travel even if I’m on probation?’ And, ‘I heard that “pizza” is San Franciscan slang for blow job. That’s true, right?’

Of course, right now my readership currently consists of my husband (hi, baby!), Philip (hi, ass-face!), and occassionally Susan (hi, sweetie). And they all know the answers to those questions. So either they need to take on aliases, or the rest of you better get a-typing. Send your questions to contact-at-everywhereist-dot-com. Keep an eye out for my replies every Thursday, and the wrath of my readers sometime shortly afterwards.