Why does no one ever mistakenly deliver cupcakes to my house?

-

I get email. Lots of it. Sometimes, it’s not even meant for me. (A phenomenon that I can’t quite fathom. When people don’t have someone’s email address, do they just guess, and follow it with “@gmail.com”? Do they deduce phone numbers by punching a random series of numbers? Instead of asking where their friends live, do they drive around neighborhoods and knock on door after door? Because otherwise I DON’T UNDERSTAND.)

Once, someone mistakenly sent me the vacation photos of a bunch of English octogenarians. That was rather delightful. May we all be as spry and limber and able to frolic in the Mediterranean when we reach that age.

A large percentage of the emails I get are press releases. I know I shouldn’t waste time on those, but I occasionally do. Other times, a spam email or three will creep in. I really should ignore those, too.

But sometimes I can’t help myself. I feel some weird need to set these people straight. Even though I’m certainly not the best person to do it.

It’s like the time I rolled down my window to yell at a woman who was stealing someone else’s parking spot (No, it wasn’t my spot. BUT SHE WAS WRONG). Rand stared at me as though I was the unreasonable one.

“Geraldine,” he said, placing his hand on mine, “No. NO. NO. That is a bad idea.”

So is wasting time answering these emails. But I do anyway. Because of justice. Or something.

—————

Hey, Geraldine,

Did you know the Sunday after Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day of the year? In fact, more than 24 million people are expected to travel this Thanksgiving.

-

Kim -

I did not know that the Sunday after Turkey Day is the busiest travel day of the year! Probably because I’m often still drunk on Sunday. DRUNK ON PIE.

Damn it. Now I really WANT pie.

-

—————

Hi Geraldine,

My name is Zelda, and I write for redacted. After publishing our most recent post “7 Bands You Didn’t Know Were Christian”, I thought of you and your readers because it tackles the same kind of issues you often discuss on your blog. If you’d like to share it on your site, we’d love to keep the discussion going.

-

Hi Zelda,

I am trying to figure out when I tackled “the same kinds of issues” on my blog. Does this have something to do with the fact that I’m in love with a Jew?

I like him so much, I mash my face into his.

-

Anyway, I’d don’t think we’d be the right venue to post your article about Christian bands. My husband and I don’t believe in bands.

—————

Was so good talking with you the other day hon, just sorry you weren’t feelin so well. Did I tell you I got a 2 month old shorthair calico kitty from the humane society? I’m trying to come up with an appropriate name.  Any suggestions?

Love,

Bevy

-

(Note from Geraldine: I HAVE NO EARTHLY CLUE WHO THIS PERSON IS.)

Hi Bev!

I like Mr. Woogums as a name. It’s what we called my great uncle. That’s not bad luck, right? I mean, it’s not like a cat can die of emphysema.

—————

Hello!

We are a huge supporter of your blog and we would love to be apart of it as a sponsor or under the section “Sites we love.” Please consider us as a sponsor as we love participating in all things mom oriented! 

Many thanks,

Jessie

-

Wait, my blog is mom-oriented? And I have a section titled “Sites we love”?

AND I’M SUDDENLY A “WE” NOW?

I’m freaking out. FREAKING OUT, JESSIE. Like, “The call is coming from inside the house” FREAKING OUT.

—————

Hello dear blog owner, 

My name is Nina, i am the community manager of redacted. We have tried to contact you for the past couple of days. We currently are offering a paid video placement that will suit your audience and blog. You will be pay for the placement of the video. The video can could remain for as long as you want, minimum 10 hrs.

-

Dear Nina,

Hi Nina!I charge $200,000.00 (U.S.) for video placement. I would like to be paid in nickels.

Also, can this be the video that you use? That is the one that best suits my audience and blog.

Thank you,
Geraldine

—————

After I replied to Nina’s email (which really confused her), I got ANOTHER one from the same company. This time from a guy named Chris. It was equally delightful …

 

Hello again,

My name is Chris Nutt.

Really? Nutt? That’s kind of unfortunate.

 

I am e-mailing you again because I did not receive a reply to previous mails.

Seems like that should have been a red flag, Chris. Or can I call you Mr. Nutt?

 

DO NOT MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY!!

GAH! STOP YELLING AT ME.

 

We pay publishers to post branded videos.  If you join our network, you’ll be able to participate in campaigns that suit you the best.  You are not obligated to do anything and you can handpick the video campaigns that you like the best.

I tried that, Chris. But I got vetoed by Nina over there. Y’all seem to have something against the keyboard cat. Fascists.

—————

Aaand that’s it for today, because Rand has requested I stop screaming at the computer. Which apparently I do sometimes.

P.S. – To Deenie in Brooklyn: Erik from the frame shop says your artwork is ready to be picked up. Also, he has the wrong email address for you.

Full list of categories:  Random Musings » Rants and Raves
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Comments (34)

  1. 1
    CatCatAttack says:

    My junkmail told me I can claim 1 MILLION dollars because I won the Asia Pacific lottery. (Randomly apparently, because I have an email address.)

    And I really need some pie now. That is one choice looking pastry.

  2. 2
    Amelia says:

    HAHAaahaa!! Love your response to these! Made my day :)

  3. 3
    Josephine says:

    I get emails from people who are considering HIRING who is apparently incapable of giving the correct address for their references. (Or maybe their references didn’t really want to be references and so gave them my email? Sinister!) Those are fun to reply to. Oh yes they are. ;)

  4. 4
    Beth says:

    This was the perfect start to a Monday morning. It’s a good thing I don’t have a calico cat named Mr. Woogums, because he would have thought I’d lost my mind when your post made me laugh so hard I cried.

  5. 5
    Mandy says:

    Bahaha! OK so two weeks ago I had an epic “Dick Move” moment that made me immediately think of your blog – dude at the Y totally stole my parking spot. So, being the reasonable person I am, I rolled my window down and berated the man as he walked past my car shrugging by shouting “Dick move! Dick move!” I also took a picture of his license plate…:-S too far?? I can only hope that he stumbles upon your blog at some point and realizes the FULL meaning encompassed by that wonderful phrase: dick move, sir. :-)

  6. 6
    Gigi says:

    Love it! My favorites are the guys who want to date me (read: stalk me) after reading my website. Being called “my queen” or “soulmate” or some such nonsense in an email from a stranger = always priceless.

  7. 7
    Courtney says:

    The getting lumped in as a mom blogger makes me RAAAGE. I kinda want to make a site dedicated to hating children just to try and never let that confusion happen again.

    • 7.1
      Everywhereist says:

      I just think it’s myopic of them. There are plenty of things that pertain to being a woman that don’t pertain to parenting, and plenty of things that pertain to parenting that DON’T pertain to being a woman.

      • 7.1.1
        Katamal says:

        Noooo? Really? Whodathought it?!?! You mean that just because I’m a woman I’m not necessarily a parent?!?!

        I was invited to participate in a survey today. The survey began with demographics and the choices included being single, being a young couple with no children, a variety of options around being a couple with children, or being an “older couple whose children no longer live at home”. I’m actually a 40 something woman living with my female partner happy in the choice we’ve made to have no children. Of course, I ticked the young couple with no children option … 40s is after all considered young these days!!!! ;-)

  8. 8
    Kara says:

    (picture this as one of the very serious and heartfelt emails that you receive everyday)

    Dear Everywhereist,

    I can’t get over how funny you are. HEEEE-larious! Do you think you will ever offer online comedy classes on your blog? Because that definitely seems like it’s along the lines of mom-related blogging and bands you didn’t know where Christian.

    (cheesy grin inserted here)
    Sincerely,
    K

    But honestly, thanks for the laughs. I continue to love your blog. And as a side note, you and

  9. 9
    Mark says:

    I am resisting the urge to email you right now!! I love that you always reply. I am leaving a lame comment instead. And this link to a photo of a cupcake.

  10. 10

    Thank you for the laughs. I agree that the cat video completely represents your brand, and as one of your loyal readers, I can say that it absolutely speaks to me.

  11. 11

    I get jolly sales messages from Chinese manufacturers trying to sell me spare parts. This baffled me for a while until I realised that my website – http://www.shelbourn.com – is rather similar to a USA tractor manufacturer – http://www.shelbourne.com

    We now have an arrangement. I send them the orders for tractors if they do the same for commissions for cartoons.

  12. 12
    Jay says:

    Loved this post!

    I continually get emails from “a kind Christian” woman who happened to have come into Colonel Gaddafi’s fortune and needs my help to secure the funds. I’ve been hesitant to hand over my banking info though ;-)

  13. 13
    Mandy says:

    Haha – this is fantastic. I delete probably 30 comments/emails per day just like these – answering them would be much, MUCH more entertaining! LOL.

  14. 14
    Winopants says:

    Erf, marketers are annoying! I did enjoy your playful toying with them however

  15. 15

    I cannot figure out why Google Ad sense thought I wanted Mitt Romney to be president. I only read redstate.com so I can try to understand how “they” think —- not because I am parenting a Christian band.

  16. 16
    Esben says:

    Let me telling you sometime about my 5 or 6 year odyssey getting wrong number calls for one Edmond Coffee (I am guessing that he spells it like the drink, a la the Green Mile, but I could be wrong). I went through all the stages of getting wrong numbers from confused to irritated to embracing the madness. Now, I kinda look forward to those calls so I can amuse yet another bill collector (I figured out after year 3 that it was collection agencies simply selling their lists and “clientele” to the next one. Those poor people need a good laugh dealing with those deadbeats!)

    Entertaining as always and I concur. That is a mighty fine looking pie!

  17. 17
    Chalo says:

    that pie looks evil… eat it before it kills us all.

  18. 18
    Kayla says:

    See, THIS is why I read my spam.
    Because even though there are plenty of lame, cliched ones, the fun ones are what make my day.
    Especially when I’m feeling crazy enough to respond to them. And that is where the fun starts. :)
    And not to sound creepy, but if I knew your address, I’d send you cupcakes. Or maybe a fruitcake baked by monks that they sell in Williams Sonoma ;)

  19. 19
    Janet T says:

    I think it was your tumor Steve, that liked Christian Bands. Zelda is just confused

  20. 20
    Verena says:

    Directly under the post of this blog entry was THIS on my Newsfeed on Facebook

    http://thecreativefinder.com/portfolio-image.php?username=columnfivemedia&id=18684&filename=couponcabin-pies_.jpeg

    DAMN – Geraldine, are you controlling my Facebook?

    photoproof: http://i48.tinypic.com/nyz621.png

    OH and i’m glad there is at least one person out there who gives those ppl what they deserve :) YOU GO :))

    • 20.1
      Everywhereist says:

      I control everything pie-related that happens on the internet. True story.

      • 20.1.1
        Verena says:

        scary – YES, surprising – NO

        thing to keep in mind in case i need a pie-controlling genius on my world-conquering-crew: definitely!

        sidenote: great, now i want pie and it’s in the middle of the night here and Austrian people don’t know anything about pie, we are just good with Strudel

  21. 21
    Lucy Prom says:

    LOVE your writing…so funny! Keep them coming! :)

  22. 22

    THIS IS THE BEST POST EVER!!! (Yes, I am shouting this!) hahaha you’re hilarious!

  23. 23
    Elaissa says:

    Love it! And sticking with this theme….I saw this article on CNN -
    http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2012/11/16/andrew-zimmerns-top-airport-dining-spots/?hpt=hp_bn11

    Could you do something similar?

    -Elaissa

  24. 24
    Madhur says:

    Hi ,

    Loved the replies with the loud feelings posted in bold letters .. a big LOL.
    Thanks for the hearty laugh during office time.

    Madhur
    India.

  25. 25
    Andi says:

    This reminded me of my friend’s interaction with a spammer posing as his friend trying to get money from him. His emails made it to the NY Times blog:
    http://pogue.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/23/a-day-with-an-e-mail-scammer/

    Quite enjoyable. :)

  26. 26
    Katie says:

    You’re blog posts are always some of my most favorite to read because I just know i’m going to end up laughing at my computer screen in public like a total idiot,, but it’s so worth it because the way you think and the things you type are just too darn funny!

  27. 27
    Katie says:

    right after i pressed the stupid “submit for eternity” button i realized i used the wrong “your” …fml

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