Once Again, I Respond to Emails That I Probably Should Ignore

Posted on
Nov 19, 2012

Why does no one ever mistakenly deliver cupcakes to my house?

I get email. Lots of it. Sometimes, it’s not even meant for me. (A phenomenon that I can’t quite fathom. When people don’t have someone’s email address, do they just guess, and follow it with “@gmail.com”? Do they deduce phone numbers by punching a random series of numbers? Instead of asking where their friends live, do they drive around neighborhoods and knock on door after door? Because otherwise I DON’T UNDERSTAND.)

Once, someone mistakenly sent me the vacation photos of a bunch of English octogenarians. That was rather delightful. May we all be as spry and limber and able to frolic in the Mediterranean when we reach that age.

A large percentage of the emails I get are press releases. I know I shouldn’t waste time on those, but I occasionally do. Other times, a spam email or three will creep in. I really should ignore those, too.

But sometimes I can’t help myself. I feel some weird need to set these people straight. Even though I’m certainly not the best person to do it.

It’s like the time I rolled down my window to yell at a woman who was stealing someone else’s parking spot (No, it wasn’t my spot. BUT SHE WAS WRONG). Rand stared at me as though I was the unreasonable one.

“Geraldine,” he said, placing his hand on mine, “No. NO. NO. That is a bad idea.”

So is wasting time answering these emails. But I do anyway. Because of justice. Or something.

—————

Hey, Geraldine,

Did you know the Sunday after Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day of the year? In fact, more than 24 million people are expected to travel this Thanksgiving.

Kim –

I did not know that the Sunday after Turkey Day is the busiest travel day of the year! Probably because I’m often still drunk on Sunday. DRUNK ON PIE.

Damn it. Now I really WANT pie.

—————

Hi Geraldine,

My name is Zelda, and I write for redacted. After publishing our most recent post “7 Bands You Didn’t Know Were Christian”, I thought of you and your readers because it tackles the same kind of issues you often discuss on your blog. If you’d like to share it on your site, we’d love to keep the discussion going.

Hi Zelda,

I am trying to figure out when I tackled “the same kinds of issues” on my blog. Does this have something to do with the fact that I’m in love with a Jew?

I like him so much, I mash my face into his.

Anyway, I’d don’t think we’d be the right venue to post your article about Christian bands. My husband and I don’t believe in bands.

—————

Was so good talking with you the other day hon, just sorry you weren’t feelin so well. Did I tell you I got a 2 month old shorthair calico kitty from the humane society? I’m trying to come up with an appropriate name.  Any suggestions?

Love,

Bevy

(Note from Geraldine: I HAVE NO EARTHLY CLUE WHO THIS PERSON IS.)

Hi Bev!

I like Mr. Woogums as a name. It’s what we called my great uncle. That’s not bad luck, right? I mean, it’s not like a cat can die of emphysema.

—————

Hello!

We are a huge supporter of your blog and we would love to be apart of it as a sponsor or under the section “Sites we love.” Please consider us as a sponsor as we love participating in all things mom oriented! 

Many thanks,

Jessie

Wait, my blog is mom-oriented? And I have a section titled “Sites we love”?

AND I’M SUDDENLY A “WE” NOW?

I’m freaking out. FREAKING OUT, JESSIE. Like, “The call is coming from inside the house” FREAKING OUT.

—————

Hello dear blog owner, 

My name is Nina, i am the community manager of redacted. We have tried to contact you for the past couple of days. We currently are offering a paid video placement that will suit your audience and blog. You will be pay for the placement of the video. The video can could remain for as long as you want, minimum 10 hrs.

Dear Nina,

Hi Nina!I charge $200,000.00 (U.S.) for video placement. I would like to be paid in nickels.

Also, can this be the video that you use? That is the one that best suits my audience and blog.

Thank you,
Geraldine

—————

After I replied to Nina’s email (which really confused her), I got ANOTHER one from the same company. This time from a guy named Chris. It was equally delightful …

 

Hello again,

My name is Chris Nutt.

Really? Nutt? That’s kind of unfortunate.

 

I am e-mailing you again because I did not receive a reply to previous mails.

Seems like that should have been a red flag, Chris. Or can I call you Mr. Nutt?

 

DO NOT MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY!!

GAH! STOP YELLING AT ME.

 

We pay publishers to post branded videos.  If you join our network, you’ll be able to participate in campaigns that suit you the best.  You are not obligated to do anything and you can handpick the video campaigns that you like the best.

I tried that, Chris. But I got vetoed by Nina over there. Y’all seem to have something against the keyboard cat. Fascists.

—————

Aaand that’s it for today, because Rand has requested I stop screaming at the computer. Which apparently I do sometimes.

P.S. – To Deenie in Brooklyn: Erik from the frame shop says your artwork is ready to be picked up. Also, he has the wrong email address for you.

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