Pitch Me, Baby, One More Time: I Reply to More Spammy Requests

I am at it again. Spending way too much time replying to spammy requests for guests posts or ads. Apparently I haven’t made it clear enough here or here.


This time, I’ve started including photos and graphics in my replies, which I think is a nice touch. It really tells these people who haven’t bothered to read a single word on my site that I care. Because anyone can tell them to fuck off. But me? I take that extra step to confuse them.

While I was answering these emails, my husband’s reaction was as follows:

“Baby … what?”

“I don’t know if this is the best way to spend an afternoon.”

“Shouldn’t you be working on your book?”

“Is that my shirt?”

And the answer to all of these questions is a resounding “MAYBE.”

Here’s the third installment of this series. Earlier blog posts can be found here and here.


When I first started incorporating images into my replies, I wasn’t really sure what I was doing. My exchange with Elma illustrates that. I didn’t reply to her first email, but she was persistent.



Since people are constantly getting my name wrong, I decided to misspell Elma’s in my reply to her, even though it’s only four letters long.

Here is the doc I attached:

Everything I told her was true.


Naturally, Elma was a little confused by this.

I decided to see how long it would take before Elma was totally fed up with me. I wrote to her again, insisting that I had sent the right doc. I misspelled her name again, but I did so differently this time.


You got to hand it to Elma. She was not deterred.

This time, I figured I needed to be a little more overt, with both my document and the butchering of her name.


I didn’t hear from Elma again after that. I guess she’s not a Jeff Goldblum fan. A few days later, though, I got an email from someone named Jenny who had the same email extension as Elma.


Naturally, I was quite excited at the prospect of her and Elma being friends.

Jenny was pretty nonplussed about it.


I decided to revamp my advertising rates, to make them a little clearer. At this point, getting Elma’s name wrong while still making it vaguely resemble the correct version was getting challenging.


Jenny didn’t get it.

To be fair, they did raise their offer by $30.00. But I needed to stick to my guns, you know?

Jenny told me to email her if I change my mind. I didn’t hear from her or Elma after that.


Harendra and Tanmay both emailed me twice, each time within a few seconds of the other. Their emails were virtually identical both times. I’ve just included their second messages, because the first ones were too long and boring.

It’s clear that they’re part of the same spammy network, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a reply. I sent them a document that contained the following images:

No reply from either of them yet, but I’m hoping to hear back from these newly minted besties sometime soon.


This next exchange requires a brief explanation. Here’s what you need to know: once a week, my husband shoots an instructional video which is posted on his company’s blog (he’s been doing this for years). On Whiteboard Fridays he usually talks about internet marketing and SEO.

He films them in front of a whiteboard (as you might have guessed), often while wielding a couple of markers and wearing a Parker-Lewis-style shirt.

Got it? Cool.

Here’s the email I got from someone named Ozair.

He starts by addressing it to “admin” and then clarifies with “Mrs. Rand.” HE CALLS ME MRS. RAND. THAT IS SO MAGICALLY INFURIATING. Here was my reply:

I didn’t hear back from him, but I did have to explain to my husband why I was running around with one of his favorite shirts over my pjs.


By far the best exchange I had was with Jai. Jai gets me. It’s not that I don’t think Tanmay and Harendra can go the distance, but what Jai and I have is real.

My reply:

He didn’t like it.

So I tried another one:

And again …

And again …

After the third half-naked photo of Jeff Goldblum arrived in his inbox, Jai finally replied.

Like I said, Jai’s the best.


Rand says that I need to spend my time a little more productively, so I’m going to go eat M&Ms while pretending to do laundry.

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  • ugh

    They might be annoying, but wow, you took it to a new level. Must be hard to have people trying to offer you money. This post just makes you look like an immature jerk.

    • Everywhereist


      Speaking of offering up money, the guys down by the shipyard keep asking what your hourly rates are. Should I tell them you like to be paid in fish heads, or is that no longer the case?

      • Philip

        You are my favorite immature jerk who isn’t me. Also, I’d say you’ve gone completely round the bend but I think we all know that is where you live. Will you and Mr. Geraldine adopt me?

        • Everywhereist

          We already have in our hearts, Philip. We already have in our hearts.

      • http://fromblade.wordpress.com Edward

        Haha, we have a new admission for the burn ward…..third degree

    • http://donotbreakthedog.blogspot.co.uk/ kate

      Oh hush now. I haven’t laughed so much in yonks.

      • http://donotbreakthedog.blogspot.co.uk/ kate

        The hush now was to the first commenter (commentar? commentator?..who knows) by the way. Immature indeed!

        • Everywhereist

          I knew who you were referring to. πŸ™‚

  • Mary Rochow

    You are so effing awesome. Wow.

  • http://www.dogjaunt.com Mary-Alice

    You light up my life, and that is a fact. I wonder if tape would stick to Chloe’s forehead? Could she hold signs in her little paws? We’re about to find out.

    • Everywhereist

      I think a little flag that says “no” on it, sticking out of a steaming pile of Chloe’s poop would be just perfect. πŸ™‚

  • Bree

    Things got slightly out of hand as I read this. I laughed, snorted, choked on my latte, and cried a little (coffee isn’t great for the sinuses, apparently). Luckily, everyone who watched me nearly snort-cry myself to death already hated me for ordering coffee at a tea shop. Portland is weird, and this post is amazing.

    • Everywhereist

      They’re just jealous because you are at the forefront of developing a new sinus cleanse.

  • Dave

    Please – oh PLEASE – with sugar on top, film a Whitedoor Sunday.

    • April

      OMG, what a great idea, Dave! Yes–it would be so amazing to see a real whitedoor Sunday!

  • http://www.tastyplacement.com Michael

    You are my new SEO hero, Mrs. Rand…super funny

  • http://allthingseblog.com Erika


    This is pure gold.

    Please continue being an “immature jerk.”

    It’s hilarious.

    • Everywhereist

      Done and done. Thanks, Erika!

  • https://gleam.io Stuart @ Gleam.io

    Hi, I’d like to enquire about placing lots of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on your site. Can you please send me your advertising rates? πŸ˜‰

    • Everywhereist


  • http://mssophiemac.blogspot.com Sophie

    This was hilarious. I had to contain my laughter to stop from interrupting one of the kids that I look after while they did an assessment (home school/distance ed can be annoying). I think that if people are stupid enough not to actually read previous posts OR read the PR/Advertising page then they deserve everything that you give.

    Fantastic, and well done for sticking to your guns!


  • http://www.blondebananablog.com Anna from The Blonde Banana

    I literally just laughed out loud alone in my living room. I don’t know how careers for these spammy people exist… do that many people really accept their guest posts? And hysterical how long it takes some of them to get it. YIKES.

  • Neal

    You exude awesomeness! When I grow up I want to be like you.

    • Everywhereist

      When I grow up, I want to be like YOU.

    • Melanie

      Forget it….I already shottied being like G when I grow up….and I’m older than her!

  • Sally

    Loved the variations of Elma’s name!!

  • http://sistersinseattle.blogspot.com jamie

    Don’t listen to Rand. These are awesome. Love to see their interactions with you and I also appreciate Jai attempting humor with the LOL. I definitely laughed!

  • http://www.noisylittlemonkey.com Jon Payne


    You should be in charge of email policy for the WHOLE INTERNET. All emails must include photo stories to illustrate the main points.

    Some marketing twat will call these photos “Emoticons 3.0” but we can hunt them down and throw them to a pack of wild dogs. So, it’s nothing but win really.

    • Everywhereist

      I keep saying I should be in charge of the internet, but usually only my husband is around to hear it, and he just pats me on the head and demands cookie bars.

  • http://www.randomactsofdrama.blogspot.co.uk Lindsay

    I almost pissed myself reading this. And that would have been sad cause I’m wearing a Doctor Who robe. But please continue… those pictures are the best thing ever. Better than my Doctor Who robe, so clearly EPIC.

  • http://akwaabagoldentours.com/blog AkwaabaGolden

    Omg… you just lightened up my day! πŸ˜€ I can’t stop laughing!

  • http://www.noordinarynomad.com Erin

    I could not stop laughing at this post! Very well played – the cake hole picture is probably the best thing I have seen today!

  • Sam

    That is awesome, thanks for the laugh

  • http://www.cocopia.net Sylvia

    Oh gosh… I was literally crying because I was laughing so hard… What a great way to start the day! Thanks! πŸ˜€ Please, please, please continue with this series!

  • http://twitter.com/maxyRO Bogdan

    So I’m confused… which one is your current advertising policy?

    • Everywhereist

      $1 million, payable in cake is a pretty safe bet.

      • http://NA Juaquine

        If I make the cake in the shape of Jeff Goldblum, including various anatomically correct appendages thereof, would you accept a reduction in the required $1 million valuation?

        • Everywhereist

          OH HELL YES.

      • http://www.seoroger.com Amin Vanda

        From now on, you just reply with the link to this page! πŸ˜€

  • Jeff

    Oh man.. that’s great.

    This makes me want to send you a spammy request, just so I can get a Goldblum back in my inbox. I need more Goldblum in my life.

    • Everywhereist


  • http://runningmegrit.blogspot.com/ Meg B

    The last Jeff Goldblum picture, with the Hi Jai hearts on his chest made me bust out laughing. Holy crap, Mrs. Rand, you are a funny, funny lady!

  • http://www.clairecarlilemarketing.com Claire Carlile

    I love this so much. Reminds me of my author / artist friend who has a blog about her cats. She replies to link requests with emails from the cats, you two should talk! Miaow.

    • Everywhereist

      This is the second comment about cats replying to spammers! Honestly, I think you guys are on to something … πŸ™‚

  • Penny

    I am in love with this. Seriously. I am laughing out loud in my office. THANK YOU.

  • http://Wineeducation.com Dr. Steve

    You are obviously much too subtle. I recommend a more obvious approach. While various moon like poses might be better at getting the point across, you may be concerned about the exposure. Perhaps Mr. Goldblum would be willing to pose.

    I have been to 133 countries, and travel is my life, and while I can only surmise that you travel from the title of your blog, I look forward to meeting you on the road. The world needs your obviously highly developed take on life.

  • Paul

    You do understand that there are actual people on the other end of those email handles, right? Some of those requests sounded pretty reasonable and sincere to me.

    Maybe you forgot what it feels like to hustle?

    Maybe this virtual age in which we live has obliterated your sense of empathy?

    Either way, the only people who came of looking like decent humans in this story were those who you were contacting. Having that much patience in the face of such BS is certainly commendable.

    • Everywhereist

      To be fair, I’m pretty sure most of them are robots. As for my sense of empathy, it shriveled up and fell off long ago. Fear not, though: I’ll be sure to start handing out your email to these folks, explaining that you are not only a good person, but that you are REALLY interested in what they have to say.

      And also that their emails give you a weensy little erection.

    • http://muffinbuttreads.wordpress.com Rachel

      You do realize that she makes it pretty clear that she does not do advertising, product placement or guest posts? Robots or not these people shouldn’t have contacted her to begin with, and deserve every bit of snark and sarcasm they received in return. Plus…it’s good for the funnies. πŸ™‚

      • Everywhereist


  • http://www.jackiemorris.co.uk jackie

    My cats are often sent requests to advertise. When I reply for them asking people not to encourage them with offers of money as they have no pockets in which to keep it and anyway will only play cat poker with it while I am out it only seems to lead to confusion, so I think I will get a fuck off picture from the cats to send next time.
    Thanks for this. We are sisters in frustration of crappy spam wankers!

    • Everywhereist

      Have you considered having the kitties pose with little signs that say “Piss off”? Because that would be amazing.

    • http://www.amorequietplace.com Federico@A More Quiet Place

      Once I wrote an outreach email to a non profit organization that had something to do with bears.

      They kindly replied they were not interested in my offer and sent me “a hug from us and on behalf of our bears”

      Hugging Bears > Grumpy Cats

  • http://intrinsicvalueseo.com Doc Sheldon

    I love it when I find an announcement a new Everywhereist post early in the morning… starts my day off with a laugh!
    I agree with Dave, that a WhiteDoor Sunday would be an awesome add-on to the hilarity. And I’d certainly rather see you in one of Rand’s shirts than him in one of your… well… just about anything.

  • Kjirsten

    Thank you Mrs. Rand for being so incredibly hilarious. I’m pretty sure Mr. Geraldine owes you some cake after he so inaccurately accused you of wasting time. This is a masterpiece.

  • David Bell

    I literally laughed so much a bit of wee came out

    • Everywhereist

      That is the highest compliment someone can receive.

  • http://gigiboots.wordpress.com Gillian

    perfect way to start my thursday, except in reading this, i forgot i was eating my breakfast. in exchange for letting you advertise on MY site, i would like more breakfast.

    or you can just keep writing stuff like this, its hilarious.

  • http://domestocrat.net Domestocrat

    You are nailing the anti-spam ad game! I love it!!!

  • http://www.amorequietplace.com Federico@A More Quiet Place

    I’m laughing hysterically. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.

    Also, they probably added a special hell circle just for you because of this πŸ˜›

    And about you not being able to finish that 1M$ worth of cake I can just say:


    Wish there was a cake version of neknominate so we could have a showdown!

  • http://www.nicolemillerbooks.com Nicole Miller

    My life is now complete.

    Good work, Mrs. Rand. πŸ˜‰

  • http://sheeats.ca Kristy @ She Eats

    BAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. I literally – literally – just knocked my tea over in the coffee shop where I’m supposed to be working but instead am reading your post. I just told my girl friend today that I never get distracted at work.. I’m not sure if it was all the hilarity of responses you sent the spammy mcSpambots, the feelings of empathy I have for you because I receive multiple spammy content/ad emails a week myself or the plethora Jeff Goldblum images (I want to make him my bf …. like you wouldn’t believe) you porned out there….. But I’m hooked. And am also following you on the social accounts now.

    You. Are. Amazing.

    Thank you for saying all the things I’ve been too “professional” to say. I’m taking a lesson from this and definitely calling the spammers out on their bullshit from now on… And adding more scantily clad Jeff Goldblum into my life. Every. Day.

  • Simon Heseltine

    Alme and Jenny were dummies, they could have totally called your bluff with this



  • http://carolinelyons.com Caroline

    I laughed out loud (alone in my apartment) when I read “Whiteboard Sunday”. I hope this becomes a regular feature! πŸ˜‰

    • http://carolinelyons.com Caroline

      “White DOOR Sunday” I was too busy laughing to type correctly.

  • Myssie1963

    Elmo…. You gotta admire these people’s persistence, though. I would love to have heard the conversation between Elmo and Jenny after all these emails. I hope they appreciated the sheer hilarity.

  • http://hepcom.ca Amanda

    Finally someone who shares my love for Jeff Goldblum as much as me!

    Way to go girl!

    • Everywhereist


      • Greg

        But he’s old now… Can I send you tasteful pics of myself for the next ad pitch?

        • Everywhereist

          Old? Whatevs. Dude is like a fine wine.

  • http://theryancox.com Ryan Cox


    I would like to post high quality articles written by professionals while watching Jeff Goldblum movies. Furthermore, the articles can be written in the Jeff Goldblum tone. I’m willing to pay you $22 per post, Jeff Goldblum’s favorite number. Looking forward to a long lasting relationship. Please let me know.


  • http://amontrealerabroad.com A Montrealer Abroad (@marievallieres)

    I’ve never actually got to the point where I wasn’t polite to them, even though their emails are undeniably annoying. I just see it as somebody doing his/her job, trying to make a living. I can’t justify being mean to them because of that. With all that being said, I’m sure they would appreciate a good dose of Goldblum in their emails.

  • David Angotti

    Can you please send me the ad rates for Jeff Goldblum’s crotch ad spot? Thanks in advance for your time.

    • Everywhereist

      Please note that the crotch spot ad is unavailable. Only the nipple spots are open.

      • David Angotti

        While the heat map indicates these spots are not quite as desirable, the 200% bump in page real estate makes up for it. We will look forward to a long and profitable relationship.

        • Everywhereist

          The notification for this comment came through without any context, so I was REALLY confused until just now. πŸ™‚

  • http://elioverbey.net Eli Overbey

    The only thing that could make this post any better – is if Matt Cutts asked for a link by promising to eat cake for his next 30 day challenge.

  • http://www.toddmintz.com Todd Mintz

    I always let folks know that my colleague Rick is in charge of such requests and they can contact him by clicking on the following link: http://bit.ly/IqCPuj

    • Teena

      OMFG PMSLMAO I’ve been laughing out loud as I scroll down and read ALL these fabulous replies, but Todd YOU take the cake!!! You’ve Rick-Rolled me and I snorted, laughed and cried after I clicked your link h ah ah ah ah ah aa

      My friend in Canada sent me this page link today and it’s the best thing I’ve read in years! (I’m in Australia)

      Geraldine this is the first time I’ve read your blog and I have to admit I’ve fallen in love with your instant wit and ready repartee, your writing style, images … well just EVERYthing! added to the Jeff Goldblum crotch and nipple ad spots — I think I’ve just gone to heaven!

      This week I might get the courage to reply to spammy emails using your style of images, love love love it!

      And I’m pretty sure I emailed with Jai at one point recently — haha good to know he shares himself around.

      PS thanks to Bree for the sinus cleanse idea — waiting for my snorting to stop so I can see if it’s improved πŸ˜€

      This is the first time I’ve belly-laughed out loud lots of times over one post — deserves an Oscar!

      Merci beaucoup Gerldine!! You’ve made my day, my week, my month! You rock!

      • Everywhereist

        Aww, this comment made my day, Teena!

    • http://angelsr4u.com Kacee

      Not allowed for viewing in my country? (Regarding video link above.) Damn, Todd Mintz, you must live in a far better country than I! And here Teena had me so pumped to view it.

  • http://Www.hungrymeetshealthy.com Christina

    Bahahaha tbis is hysterical!’

    • http://Www.hungrymeetshealthy.com Christina

      Omg my typos. I look like spam! I’m just terrible typing on my iPhone. My bad

      • Everywhereist


  • http://inboundmarketer.in/blog/ Miraj Gazi

    Hahah! I just want to say that You have a good sense of humour Geraldine!

  • http://www.pawsforbeer.com Brittany

    so… pretty much can’t read your blog anymore at work… I just had a laughing fit maybe a 1/4 of the way through this post and everyone started staring at me like I was crazy. I tried to explain why I was laughing but I’m sure it was hard to understand in between my giggles, gasping for air and wiping the tears away from my face.

    Thanks for this post – I needed a good laugh today!

  • Mary Ann

    You are a ray of sunshine! Haven’t laughed as much in a while. Keep up the good work!

  • http://archaeology-travel.com Thomas

    OMG I am never again eating pizza while reading one of your posts. Please ask Mr Geraldine if you can do a guest appearance one Friday … actually does he get requests for guest appearances like we get requests for guest posts …

    Tjis can’t be bettered or copied, so I am just going to send the link to this post to the next twit that deserves it!

    Thanks for the laugh! πŸ™‚

  • http://www.mandyandadam.com Mandy Rubin

    OMG this was THE BEST so far! Is it bad that I hope more of these requests fill up your inbox…??? πŸ˜€

  • Kristen

    THAT just made my day! Hilarious! THANK YOU!!

  • http://www.ramblingmandie.com RamblingMandie

    So…do you accept guest posts?? (Haha JK!!!) Reading this was by far the best way I have procrastinated all day πŸ™‚

  • Nancy

    What book??

  • http://www.synapsehub.com/ Phil

    Brilliant! Fun time suck.

    Now. . I’m going to start working on my guest post pitches to Everywhereist. We can’t let this die out. More photo-snarking.

  • Kristen

    This makes me want to send you spammy email just so I can see, and revel in, your response!

  • lisa

    I have been reading your blog for over 3 years and this is the first time I have been moved to comment. Absolutely laugh out loud, snort my wine and get strange(r) looks from my husband. Thank for sharing your stories

  • http://bn2vs.com Jeroen

    Thanks for the hilarious post – best laugh I had this week.

  • LΓ©a Basili

    πŸ™‚ I love this! I wanted to say that you’re my favorite blog. I love the sarcastic humor and the occasional serious post. Your blog just really speaks to me, yeah? Longtime lurker–just wanted to stop by and say this.

    And also say this: have you seen Jeff Goldblum’s AMA on Reddit yet? I thought you might want to know about it. πŸ˜€

  • http://chrisboulanger.com Chris

    This made my day. I think you should receive an award for your service to the internet.

    Whats your favorite Jeff Goldblum role?

    • Everywhereist


      • Chris

        That’s fair. I know it’s a tough question. I just saw him in The Grand Budapest Hotel and remembered how much I liked him. He’s also hilarious on “The League”.

  • http://GNGF.com Jabez LeBret

    This is a must share…This post rocked. Thanks for the laugh.

  • Lindsay
  • http://www.six-bones.com Katy

    This is the best use of Jeff Goldblum I’ve seen since…the entirety of Jeff Goldblum’s career!

  • http://angelsr4u.com Kacee

    This is going to become one of those giggle-inducing thoughts that will render me utterly useless. Sort like when you pretend to do laundry! OMG you’ve got the silly gene and I’d so love to play! Don’t change one iota, no matter what Mr. Rand says. πŸ™‚

  • http://DraftSharks.com Lenny Pappano

    I’d like you to link to my fantasy football website. I can’t write a shitty 400 word article to accompany it, but I can offer $500,000 in cake. And I sent your pic to Jeff Goldblum. If Mr. Rand doesn’t mind — Mr. Goldblum is offering an additional $500,000 in services to consummate the deal. Please advise. πŸ™‚

    Edited to remove link.

  • Jen

    I can’t read your posts anymore. I just had a spinal tap and it hurts to laugh…

  • Liz

    I live that the pitches, promising you well-written content, are so poorly written.

  • http://nodogaboutit.wordpress.come Melf

    Oh to have a wicked sense of humor like this. My dogs stared at me while I convulsed in laughter and fell on the floor. Thanks for that. πŸ™‚

  • http://blogsnewsreviews.com/promote-your-blog-here/blog-checklist-blog-posts-unappetizing-pus-covered-maggot-infested-dog-carcass/ Astro Gremlin

    The Internet is a sad and hug village filled with beggars and desperadoes. The Wild West was never this seedy.

  • http://blogsnewsreviews.com/promote-your-blog-here/blog-checklist-blog-posts-unappetizing-pus-covered-maggot-infested-dog-carcass/ Astro Gremlin

    Spell check made me write “hug” instead of “huge.” Yet it empowers those who know few English words. The irony is hilariously bitter.

  • http://journeysofthefabulist.wordpress.com Bronwyn Joy

    I could read these replies all day (especially if you’re going to do more like the final one).

    Love the sidebar links in that image, by the way.

  • http://www.cyprus101.com Cleo

    This is my first time at everywhereist. I really enjoyed this post and thought it was hilarious in a whole new way and very creative. I have been following Rand for a few years and I just stumbled here through his Google+ page. I’ll be back Mrs Rand!

  • http://www.cupcake.co.id popcake

    You made my day, i love the way you answered them
    Hello from indonesia

  • emma

    What I’m supposed to be doing is writing an essay about iterations of modern jewish thought, but what I’m doing instead is this. Eh, it’s only 3 am, I’ve got time
    Undergrad 4 lyfe (because I am going to fail everything)

  • http://Prezzybox Zak

    Boom! Best way to wake up reading this shizzle!

    I once had a similar exchange with somebody who had hacked a friends email account and were ‘stuck in Nigeria and needed me to wire the. Some money so they could get home to their children. My friend doesn’t have children.

    We then went back and forth negotiating. My terms were simple… I would wire them all the money as long as they would bring me back a miniature hippo. Female. Called Claudia. I demanded photos. They obliged but I wasn’t convinced the hippo was called Claudia so I declined their offer

  • sam

    This is obviously the work of someone with way too much time on her hands. Sure it’s easy for you not having to pay for housing, food and bills while normal people have to work to get those things. Your responses to these people (yes, real people and not bots) show your immaturity and no, you are not funny. This just shows how bored you are while you live off your husband. You are pathetic.

    • Everywhereist


      • http://www.packinglust.com Genevieve Parker Hill — Packing Lust

        Perfect response. And why would someone with no sense of humor be on your website? Especially someone so mature and non-pathetic? Ah, the deep questions of life.

    • http://randfishkin.com/blog Rand

      Dude. Geraldine supported me for 4 years while I was making next to nothing. She paid the rent, the bills, bought the food, picked me up from the office when I worked late and missed the bus. Now she’s working on a long-term project and I’m paying the bills for a bit.

      Don’t assume.

      • http://www.newmediasources.ca Payman Torkiyan

        Wow, what a douche!
        “while normal people have to work to get those things” – what a joke of a comment.
        This guy thinks you’re not working at all?

        Your ability to write great content and make all these people from around the globe laugh and take the time to thank you for brightening up their day is more work than he can dream of. Your work just in this post is incredible.

        Keep it up! You and Rand are great examples of people who work hard at what they love and making the lives of people better, even if it’s just a second of laughter.

      • Zeph

        This might be the greatest image ever created. I am in the same shoes… my wife supported me for years, and now I get to return the favor while she works on a long term project i.e., raising our child. As someone who has worked in PR and Outreach, if I were to get one of these responses from someone, my reaction would probably be this: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/53902526763586467/

    • Amy

      β€”Love, Sam, An Email Spammer Who Makes $382131 At Home Each Month with Guest Posting!

      Nobody who has ever had their email inbox full of people with their hands out begging for places to smear their crappy software-spun, third-world-outsourced, semi-literate, Herbalife “content” thinks that this post is anything but super ultra mega ginormo hilarious~!!

  • http://www.francois-paren.com/ FranΓ§ois

    This is excellent, remind me 27b/6 but with great funny pics !

    So, if I understand your policies, and as I can see the link to the WBF, you managed to get your 1 000 000,00$ in cake from Mr Geraldine ! Bravo Cake Girl !

  • http://www.helpforcustody.com philyg

    The last Elmo comment in the email cracked me up… Wicked post…. love it

  • http://www.taiber-unternehmensberatung.de Taiber Roger

    Very funny. You spend a lot of time for this spammy emails. But your answers are very funny. You made my day. Roger

  • Hayley

    I love cats and Whiteboard Friday and M&M’s.
    Undecided on naked Jeff Goldblum.
    You know what else I love? When couples splurge their names together!
    Keep being awesome Randaldine! πŸ˜‰

  • http://mikesowden.org/feveredmutterings Mr Ntotle Madupnambe

    Dear Germoline,

    It’s seeing posts like this that really upset me. REALLY upset me.

    For the last 2 years I have been trying to bring a large sum of cash out of the People’s Republic Of Ghandimibia. I was formerly the chairman of the Bank of Ghandimibia but then I was made aware of government corruption trying to undermine my many philanthropic projects and I fled the country. Since then, I have been approaching a LARGE NUMBER of people whose integrity and honesty I really admire, asking if they would help me locate these funds so I can get back to doing what I love best – helping people. That’s all. Just helping people.

    Is it too much to ask?

    So when I sent you my standard e-mail request (in which I am VERY GENEROUS with a % for you, which I KNOW you would use on Good Causes), you sent me back n animated picture of a cupcake being repeatedly hit with a claw-hammer, and then a picture of the actor Wil Wheaton doing something with paper.

    I try SO HARD to make a difference. I just want to do good things in the world. But I get replies like this, and see posts like this. It’s so disheartening.

    Please reconsider before I give up hope.

    Your friend,

    Ntotle Madupnambe
    u2j24h2377dfjwk@gmail.com <—- I was in a mad hurry when I was making that e-mail account, all my others were shut down by government forces. Again, stop judging me.

  • http://ProFromGo.com Chris

    THE Matt Cutts shared this post on Twitter and that’s how I found this… This is the most entertainment I’ve ever gotten out of an “SEO” article!

    Maybe Google will start incorporating Jeff Goldblum background images behind their AdWords ads in the SERPS? Clearly, it would increase click thrus…

  • Martin

    Thank you for making me laugh.

    And people wonder why Google clamped down on “Guest blogging/ posting”

  • http://simonsblogpark.com/ SimonTheSorcerer

    You are the queen of trolls πŸ™‚ I love you! Trolling at it’s finest and purest

  • http://ryanbattles.com Ryan Battles

    This is one of the funniest posts I’ve read in a long time. Love the “Whitedoor Sunday” series of shots! Of course, I’m sure the recipient didn’t get it… Thanks for posting Mrs. Rand, or is it Mrs. Cake Girl?

  • http://twitter.com/kategramlichseo Kate Gramlich-Roumbos

    I adore you. Thanks for brightening my friday πŸ˜€

  • Dan

    This is exactly what I needed this morning, some laugh out loud funny. Thanks!

  • http://travelmamas.com Colleen Lanin

    I only have one question…and a very serious one at that…do you actually have a thing for Jeff Goldblum? He is kind of sexy in an odd way. Although the towel photo is decidedly creepy/unsexy.

    • Everywhereist


      • http://mikesowden.org/feveredmutterings Mikeachim

        I am in awe of his ability to never get older. He’s like Julia Roberts. HOW DO THEY DO? I hope it’s not something creepy involving pentagrams and the blood of virgins.

  • Anisa

    This is laugh out loud funny. I so enjoyed this. It was a much needed laugh at the end of a very long work week. Please continue to reply to these spammer people. Totally awesome stuff! You rock!

  • Twisted Lister

    I think everybody is missing the real story and that’s the fact the Mrs. Rand McNally dropped probably the first in blog reference to Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.

  • http://marketing.trucounsel.com Greg H.


    This is majestic. The nipple ads alone will haunt my nightmares for years. Thank you.

    Next time you visit Las Vegas, Mrs. Rand, let me buy you cake. Lots of glorious cake.

  • http://www.brand.com/blog James R. Halloran

    “You two are soul mates!”

    Hahaha! That really made me laugh, “Mrs. Rand.” I honestly wanted to say something similar to spammers with the same email directory before, but I could never think of something so clever. Thanks for sharing this! This made my day!

  • http://www.catchatwithcarenandcody.com/ Caren Gittleman

    Absolutely hilarious!! just shared everywhere! A friend of mine just shared this with me and I am thrilled that she did! I must start sending photos back!

  • http://www.houseofsearch.co.uk Barry

    After our exchange on twitter I had to check out your site. This post did not disappoint!

  • http://amyshojai.com Amy Shojai, CABC

    I’ve been waaaaaay too polite, you have INSPIRED me! *snert* And by the way, when your book is published I want to read it!

  • http://sdthoma5.wix.com/steffthomas SteffDanielle

    D: Why. Cant. I. Be.You.

    I just laughed like a hyena at work.
    They already think i’m weird…

    Oh well.

  • http://abreathofforeignair.com Sally

    I can’t stop laughing. I haven’t looked at the other comments, but they probably all say that same thing. Well done, well played. Hahaha.

  • http://bekkapalmer.com Bekka Palmer

    I love you. This made my day.

  • http://www.anneskitchen1.blogspot.com Anne’s Kitchen

    I was about to go to bed..and then stumbled across this on facebook.. I will now have visions of a semi naked Jeff Goldblum in my sleep. Thanks. And in between fits of giggles my boyfriend thought I was on a ‘naughty’ website!!!! Trying to explain it to him ….

    Well done too, I hate it when people email me and get my name wrong or repeated emails that are entirely irrelevant to my blog and feel like sending sarky replies but lack the nerve to do so!

  • http://www.voodoocreative.co.uk Hayley Clare

    That’s just hilarious Mrs Rand. I’m looking forward to the next White Door Friday! Im sure Jeff Goldblum will love it.

    • http://www.voodoocreative.co.uk Hayley Clare

      Um Sunday

  • http://simoneskitchen.nl/en/ Simone

    God this is soooo hilarious! Thanks for making my (early) Monday morning such a fun affair…. I’m pretty sure I got a couple of those emails from possibly the same people too… I know how to respond now!

  • http://www.tourabsurd.com Katrina

    Omg, I’ve been getting loads of those same emails. Your response made me howl – HOWL, I SAY! – with laughter. The tears, oh, the tears… The dog is getting concerned. I’ll have to wait before going back to read the other two in the series.

  • kokopuff

    You are a delight. And you’re right. Jeff Goldblum is yummy. I especially enjoyed him in Earth Girls are Easy. Because I truly thought he and Geena Davis were perfect together.

  • http://www.raeraeiopenedmymouthanditranawaywithoutme.com Rae Hilhorst

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart, that was beautiful, tears rolling down my face. You are a winner xx Rae

  • http://notaballerina.com Amanda Kendle

    Elma has been harassing me too!! The very same (I remember her as she was particular persistent!). I just wish that I had thought to deal with her your way. I would have felt much better! Love it. Now if this is the basis of your session at Problogger later in the year I am Totally There.

  • http://example.com/ Ovidiu

    Leaving aside the followers and the yes men, I’m sure you’ll agree that people are trying to do their job; nothing more, nothing less.

    If you don’t want to sell ads or whatever on your site, that’s one thing.

    Not taking things seriously is, on the other hand, another issue because nothing is for granted (i.e., you’re at the top of the wave now, might hit rock bottom later).

    And that also reflects in you wasting your time, the only real currency you have, on small matters like the ones you’ve highlighted in your article.

    I do agree with you, however, in thinking that stupid is the one who pays, not the one who asks for it. #cool

    • Everywhereist

      Pssh, time isn’t the only currency I have. I also have a pretty sweet shoe collection.

    • Latasha

      There’s a difference in people doing their job and people who harass others and haven’t learned how to take NO for an answer.
      Ovidiu to you.

  • http://www.mashbout.com/ Jesse Aaron

    LOL! That was awesome. I could see this being a video series or something. Very entertaining πŸ™‚

    I can’t believe some of these comments are trying to justify the people who offered 120USD – because yea, that’s totally not a scam. I feel sorry for those who believe Elmo was making a genuine offer. They’ll most likely end up donating to the notorious Nigerian prince and getting locked into never-ending ‘enhancement’ subscriptions.

  • Kristina Cline

    LOVED it. So glad it is making your blog blow up. Although I wish your insightful posts of Ireland and South Africa got this much attention. Oh well, cheers for being easily amused and easily amusing others in the process.

  • http://www.theculturemom.com Holly

    I just got my 3rd email from Jenny this week.

    • Everywhereist

      Sweet heavenly father, that girl is BUSY.

  • http://www.heleninwonderlust.co.uk/ Helen

    Oh my God, this is so funny! πŸ™‚ Brightened my day right up.

    I kind of wish I was a spammy marketer…. in fact I may spam you right now…

  • http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com Toni

    You went way OTT in your replies and used Jeff to make your point?! I think you’re my new hero haha

    • Everywhereist

      Shucks. Thank you. πŸ™‚

  • http://www.blushingnoir.com Brooke @ Blushing Noir

    This is hysterical! And is also exactly how every blogger feels about spammy emails!!! Also, that picture of Jeff Goldblum pulling down the towel… holy crap. I’m now his super fan. Tell Elma/Alma/melma/melba toast.

    • Everywhereist

      I know. I know. I pretty much cackled like a maniacal villain when I found that photo.

  • http://thetraveluster.com Lindsay

    Can’t-Stop-Laughing! I’m a big Jeff Goldblum fan too. But I didn’t realize he was so sexy back in the day!!

    • Everywhereist

      HOW DID YOU MISS THAT? Also, he’s still pretty damn sexy, iffin you ask me. πŸ™‚

  • Kris King

    I’m laughing so hard I can’t see through the tears…forget travel writing; you are a natural comedian, funnier than most who get paid to make people laugh and fail so miserably. So clever, SO funny!

  • Kevin
  • http://www.laviajeramorena.com Chanel @ La Viajera Morena

    OMG haha I died! I usually delete spammy emails but I might start getting a little more creative πŸ™‚

  • http://www.vagabondish.com Mike

    The “cake hole” photo alone almost made me fall out meh chair.

  • http://www.getinthehotspot.com Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot

    Haha! This is great, my only possible suggestions for improvement would be to replace all the Jeff photos with Ricky Martin pics but I guess that’s a personal choice πŸ™‚ Looking forward to seeing you at the Problogger event in Aus soon!

  • http://www.thetraveltart.com Anthony The Travel Tart

    Ha ha, piss funny. Very creative responses, but remember that these spammy emails are the internet’s way of taking away time that you’ll never get back!

  • http://www.petalstopicots.com Kara

    Laughing so hard the tears are streaming down my face!! I don’t think I will ever have a straight face when I open a spammy email again!

  • http://www.commonsensehome.com Laurie

    This was flippin’ hilarious! I would never take the time to get quite so creative, but when people can’t politely take “no” for an answer and just keep spamming, that’s just plain rude. I get so blasted sick of dealing with it.

  • http://www.maccasherifi.com Macca Sherifi

    This. Is. Just. Genius.

    By the way, could I advertise on your site please?

  • Kate

    I understand your frustration, but I really think you’ve handled this in an incredibly rude way. You know, you could simply tell them your “actual policy” first, then be an ass wipe. That’s always a possibility. Don’t think I’ll ever be coming back to your website again.

    • Everywhereist

      Kate –

      Nearly everyone listed has emailed me numerous times. The first time, I replied nicely and made it clear to them that I wasn’t interested, even though that information is literally all over this blog. On my About page (where my email is listed), on my FAQ page, and throughout countless posts.

      I’ve let them, repeatedly, my policy. So now I get to be an ass wipe. According to your own rules. πŸ™‚

    • Latasha

      To Kate,
      Everywhereist’s humor shows a witty intelligence that sadly you don’t comprehend. Humor is an incredibly complex skill that can’t be learned overnight.
      Too bad, some people are humorless because humor is a great gift that some humans lack, which obviously you do.

      To Everywhereist,
      I enjoyed your way posts on handling those spammy adverts. Your sense of humor is amazing. I came upon your site when looking up home remedy help for dreadful itchy swollen mosquito bites.
      I wish my itchy swollen bites would go away in three days…no way, it’s going on day the 4th day and worse than ever.
      I do know how to relieve the itching for a short while, but so far they have not abated in size.
      Damn mosquitos bit me on both feet and on my right arm. Grrr…
      Anywho, I enjoy your blog site and all it offers. Thanks for the chuckles. πŸ™‚

  • http://foldintheflour.blogspot.co.uk Susie @ Fold in the Flour

    Well, I think I just scarred my toddler for life as he witnessed mummy laughing so hysterically into her soda water, she nearly choked.

    Just wanted to say brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

  • http://coffeewinebitch.diybudgetgirl.com Chelsey

    I got to “Lema” and died. Also, is the Parker-Lewis-style shirt the one you *might* have been wearing?

  • Tom

    why would you turn down money form spammy advertisers? awesome easy cash and the quality of your site will go up as they offer unique high quality content and you might have more free time to spend at your pool. who cares about some spammy links?

    • Everywhereist

      Oh, shit – the quality of my site will improve? I didn’t realize that. I’ve … I’ve made a terrible mistake.

  • http://colourofgrey.wordpress.com Manasi

    Is it just cake or do you consider payment in the form of other baked goods?

  • http://www.ecotravellerguide.com Linda McCormick @EcoTraveller

    That is the best post EVER! Inspired thinking.
    I’m actually looking forward to my next spammy request – who’d have thunk?

  • http://www.rebeccakdesigns.com/blog Rebecca

    you just became my hero! This is fantastic! couldn’t stop reading and because I was laughing at the same time everyone knew I was not doing any work…. keep being awesome!

  • http://queenkc.wordpress.com Kasey


  • http://wonderfulwanderings.com Sofie

    I’ve been going through some of your post and each one makes me laugh harder. This is going to become addictive.

  • http://www.yearofthedurian.com Lindsay

    I was supposed to be working on finishing my book (out in only 2 weeks! Aack!), but I was dealing with stress by reading your site instead. Unfortunately I came across this article which had me holding back laughter so hard I was snorting. I think now my husband suspects I may have gotten distracted…but thanks for the laughs. Made my day.

  • http://www.petersommer.com Peter Sommer

    Hilarious post. Love the Mrs. Rand connection and the description of him in front of the White board waving pens. And the cake hole pic made me laugh. And so much more. Awesome replies to spammy posts – we are inundated with them. Just hilarious Geraldine.

  • http://rectalcancermyass.wordpress.com/ Ingebird

    You are too funny! I stumbled onto your blog when I Googled…shit I forgot… oh yeah… magnifying mirrors. I was writing a post about self image. Anyway, I have to admit, I am a bit jealous that no one offered to write a guest post or give me advertising money for my blog site. Oh, well…a girl can still dream.

  • ThΓ« UnsocΓ­al MΓ€n

    πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ I just broke my sunglass while laughing πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

  • http://expatpartnersurvival.com Clara

    Thank you for a great laugh, I needed that today! It reminds me of the conversations I have with the cold callers on the phone…..

  • Melissa Therrien

    Lol, the one with Jai was awesome. Especially the one after you realized you covered up your favorite part. I did something like that once when I was extremely bored & annoyed at all the scammers trying to rent out apartments (‘oh, I’m overseas in Africa so you can stand outside the apartment but you can’t look in it and you can wire transfer money to yourself to prove you can pay the rent — which the scammer picks up with fake id on the other end).

    I had a blast though. He wanted me to answer a list of questions about the people living there and what we did.

    So I told him my name was Melissa (formerly Michael), that I was pregnant with twins and I had my job as a stripper as well as a part time job on a farm raising cocks.

    The people living in the apartment would be me, my husband (reformed terrorist) and my mother-in-law who likes to run around naked with underwear on her head. The only pet we have is our mummified cat that we take everywhere.

    As for transportation we normally travel by zeppelin and is there a space to park it anywhere?

    I also let him know that the keys were not a problem as my husband was in Africa visiting his brother and they would be able to swing by to pick them up.

    ——- Remarkably I was in a much better mood after writing and sending that email. Oddly enough, I never heard back from the fellow.

  • http://lifeofatravelingnavywife.com/ Heather W

    HAHAAHHAHA!! I just wrote a post on this and one of my readers left a link to your post. This is beyond awesome.

  • The Nomadic Tribes

    OMG, this post is priceless. Thanks so much for the laugh. Now following your site/twitter. Cheers! Jett

  • Rachel

    Hahahahahhaha, you good lady are brilliant!
    Best read I have had in days.
    Now I shall go and pretend to do laundry as well.

  • Irene

    40 minutes after the reading.. I’m still laughing!!! You are my idol! ahahaah!!! πŸ˜€

  • http://www.skyinternetmarketing.nl Nils van der Knaap

    This post is f*cking hilarious. I’m gonna share it as one of the best posts I’ve read lately πŸ˜€

  • http://therussianabroad.com Olga Rabo

    hahahhaha, well written, Mrs. Rand! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

  • AbbeyNirvana

    You got balls, lady! This is so funny! I can’t believe that there are actual people, capable of reading and thinking, behind those spammy emails. You’ve made it clear in your FAQs and blog posts that you don’t want them, but still, they really try and take their chances. Ridiculous!