Rule #2 of Vaginas: Don’t Glue Them Shut

Posted on
Feb 22, 2017
 

By now, you may have heard about a dear-god-I-wish-it-was-fake story that’s been floating around the internet, about a vaginal glue designed to keep labia sealed together during menstruation.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Wait, there’s glue made especially for vaginas? I’ve jut been using whatever I had lying around the house!

Just kidding, what you are actually thinking is something along the lines of What in the holy hell is going on this is fucking satanic no no no glue does not belong anywhere near my vaginal opening are you fucking kidding me dear god no.

The labia-glue’s creator is a Wichita-based chiropractor named Daniel Dopps, a man who lacks a vagina as well as basic of understanding of human anatomy (related: this does not bode well for the chiropractic community at large). Mr. Dopps – and you’ll notice I use the term “mister” and not “doctor” because HE IS NOT ONE- is the CEO and creator of the “lip-stick glue” as well as countless untold nightmares.

He has named his product “Mensez”, completely failing to see the utter hilarity of a dude making a product that no one who actually menstruates would want, and then calling it MEN SEZ.

The theory behind his “product” is that if labia are glued together then … honestly, I have no fucking clue. I don’t actually think there’s a theory here. As far as I can tell, this is just an elaborate prank by internet trolls and possibly the ghost of Maquis de Sade. But Dopps believes that instead of leaving our vaginas unglued, as they have been since human vaginas have first existed, we should glue them together. This will somehow create a leak-proof seal and negates the need for sanitary napkins or tampons.

The official Mensez website does not instill much confidence in me regarding the product’s efficacy or safety. It is also riddled with typos, and they’ve managed to misspell a five-letter-long word.

 

It sounds like a pretty terrible idea, though admittedly I can’t say that with any firsthand knowledge because neither I nor anyone I know has been stupid enough to glue their vaginas shut.

The labial glue dissolves in urine, which would make slightly more sense if the urethra and the vagina were the same thing, WHICH THEY ARE NOT. I thought most of us figured this out in the fifth grade, but apparently not.

While answering the many, many, many questions on his company’s hacked-and-presently-disabled Facebook page, Dopps dropped this gem:

“You as a woman should have come up with a better solution than diapers and plugs, but you didn’t.”

Okay, wow. Where to begin.

  • Tampons are not “plugs”.
  • Menstrual pads are not “diapers”.
  • Glue is not a “better solution.”

I know, I know! All of this is confusing, so I’ve made a flowchart that we can easily reference should we need to.

Now, I realize that most people are going to look at this product, note that it’s fucking insane, and have that be the end of it. But the problem isn’t just that Dopps made a faulty, unhealthy, utterly barbaric product. It’s that he has no idea. It’s not just that he doesn’t understand female anatomy – it’s that he and countless others like him feel that they are an authority on women’s bodies.

As my friend Charles brilliantly puts it, this is mansplaining at its finest.

And let’s be clear – this isn’t just a brainstorming session. This is an actual viable product that exists and HAS A PATENT. Now, if any other group besides menstruating women was targeted with a body glue, do you think it would fly? Imagine someone pitching a cure for diarrhea that involved gluing your anus shut.

Actually, nevermind, don’t.

At a time when women are still – still! – fighting for autonomy over their bodies, when the state of Oklahoma is trying to pass a law where all abortions must be approved by men because women are simply “the hosts” of a fetus, when the fucking President of the United States has bragged about grabbing women by the pussy, my patience for misogynistic batshittery is at an all-time low.

The first rule of vaginas is a simple one: If it’s not yours, and you don’t have explicit permission to touch it, leave it the fuck alone.

The second rule? Don’t glue your labia together. Ever.

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