I am short.
I mean, not dangerously short. I don’t run a risk of poking my eye out on a door handle or anything like that. But short nevertheless. As in, if I’m not wearing heels, I can stand straight up from my seat on an airplane and not hit my head on the console above me.
Those of you who know what I’m referring to will agree: that’s short.
I’ve no particular issue with my height. At times I wish my legs were longer, because skirts look ghastly on me, but that’s about it. I don’t actually wish to be taller, except on those rare occasions when Rand puts the cereal on the top shelf, and I can’t find my stepping stool.
Oh, and during concerts. Because concerts, when you’re 5’2″? Those suck beyond belief. Here, in brief, is what it’s like:
Arrive at venue. Suddenly become aware that nearly all of your friends are absurdly tall. Seemingly at the same moment, they notice your height for the first time. They stare at you blankly, with an expression that reads, “How did I never notice before that she’s a pygmy?”
After a few seconds, you friend will utter the phrase that you’ve heard time and again – the one that is always on your mind: “Are you going to be able to see?”
You shrug, and say your are going to be fine, because that seems easier than screaming, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK?” and insisting they carry you on their shoulders.
Folks begin filter in. Claustrophobia ensues, as you become intimately acquainted with the middle of people’s backs.
Every concert I've been to, EVER.
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Suddenly, there is clapping and thunderous applause. This is the only thing to alert you to the fact that the musician has come on stage, because visual cues are unavailable to you.
Apparently something is happening. Music is being played by someone, somewhere. Wait, what’s this?
You can see something.
YES. SORT OF. YOU CAN SORT OF SEE SOMETHING.
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Wait, who is that? Is that a bassist? God damn it.
You crane your neck in a vain attempt to see something else, and end up bumping into the woman next to you. She is roughly 2 inches taller than you, and in the concert hierarchy, this makes her your superior. The look she gives you confirms this fact.
Your calves begin to ache. Looking down, you notice you’ve been standing on your tippy toes without realizing it. You stop, because it makes no difference.
Oh, Christ. Alright, who farted? They realize that’s like, SIX INCHES FROM YOUR FACE, RIGHT?
Fart in retaliation, despite the fact that you will endure the brunt of it.
Decide to use your camera in order to catch a glimpse of what’s going on. Holding in high above your head, you take a picture.
God damn it.
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You try again.
Well, shit.
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Apparently all the other short people had the same idea, too. Contemplate asking your petite brethren to join you in some sort of human pyramid. Insist that everyone will have a chance at the top, and that you should have it first, since it was your idea. Once you reach the top, you will refuse to give up your temporary stature as an altitudinal queen. Those at the bottom of the pyramid, angry that you renegged on your promise, will shift enough to send you toppling to the ground, a dangerous 5’6″ away.
Decide against the pyramid idea.
Attempt to take another photo. This time, you actually got something!
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Zoom in.
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Zoom in a little further.
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Wait, is that Stevie effing WONDER? You’ve been at a STEVIE EFFING WONDER CONCERT AND YOU’VE ONLY JUST SEEN HIM NOW?
Well, in all fairness, it’s not like he can see you, either.
Oh, honey, no. You did not just make that joke. I let the early one about pygmys slide, but seriously? First short jokes, now blind jokes? That is NOT okay.
Wait … are you fighting with yourself in the middle of a blog post?
No.
Yes.
I’m confused. Back to the concert.
Contemplate weaving through the crowd to get to the front, but realize that while your petite stature would make it easy to do that, you aren’t entirely sure you could see anything once you got there.
Plus, that’s like, 100 feet away. Which is a long distance for someone with short legs.
Besides, if that one person just moved. You’d be able to see everything. But they won’t. They’re just standing there on their incredibly long legs and you can’t see anything except -
Oh. My. God.
They moved.
THEY MOVED.
You have a clear view. You can actually see the stage. It’s amazing. It’s beautiful. It’s like Moses parting the Red Sea. YOU CAN SEE AND OH GOD IT’S SO BEAUT-
Nevermind. They moved back.
Sigh.
What’s this? One of your friends has offered to pick you up? Awww, that’s sweet. You laugh, because despite being 6’2″, they weigh roughly what you do. You pat them on the arm and thank them for what is an adorable but impossible-by-the-limitations-of-physics offer.
Decide that seeing a concert isn’t that imperative, anyway. Start to dance. Inadvertently hit the tall people around you in the groin and lower back, because all your moves are borrowed from Elaine Benes. The Amazonians who you’ve accidentally whacked give you dirty looks. You are able to avoid them easily, because making eye contact with the league of giants around you would involve some serious neck craning.
And you? You are not here to crane your neck. You are here to boogie.
What? The concert’s over? Already? Sigh. Time to head home. You pile into a cab with your never-realized-they-were-so-tall friends. You offer to sit bitch, because it’s not that big a deal for you. Nevertheless, this makes you a saint in the eyes of all your friends, who have yet to realize that even in the middle seat, you have more leg room than they do.
Smile brightly, because really, being short? It’s not that bad.
It's cute how he bends down to talk to us.
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I suppose you want to know what all this nonsense is about. You’ve come to the right page...
Everywhereist on flickr
I’ve never considered myself short. At 5’5″, I figure I’m medium height. But I know what you mean. Every time I go to a concert or some public event where there’s a crowd, if I’m not right up front, I can’t see a damn thing. I’m much more aware during those times how frigging tall the rest of society is. My personal opinion is that they should line crowds up for concerts and events by height, allowing all the short people to be down front, and the tall people up back, since they’ll still be able to see over our heads. I always let shorter people move in front of me in a crowd. Sadly, taller people do not do that for me.
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I just laughed/cried through that entire thing. Can’t say that I always understand but I too (even at 5’8″) get that taller person in my way thing.
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That is pretty much my experience too, down to the “Oh, I didn’t realize you were so short” comments. I once went to see Peter Murphy at El Corazon, and didn’t catch a single glimpse of him, but his voice still sounded amazing.
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Everywhereist Reply:
February 7th, 2011 at 1:05 pm
It’s because you have the personality of someone much taller than you.
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Ah you tall folk. I’m 5ft 0″ (Actually, I lie. I’m not quite 5ft tall but I wasn’t putting anything shorter on my passport!). For all the reasons listed above, I avoid concerts (hadn’t really thought about the farting one though
)
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I can remember back when people actually used the seats for sitting and almost everyone could see the stage.
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Everywhereist Reply:
February 8th, 2011 at 11:10 pm
Rick, trust me – there wasn’t a seat to be had at this place. It was standing area only. Actually, i can’t think of the last time I was at a concert that had seating.
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We tall people, it’s not like we can do anything about it. I’m sure there are very few 6 ft + girls who wear 7 inch heels to a concert, just guessing its not common. I am in the front alot, and I wlll NEVER apologize for being the way I am, 6’6″.
But it’s also rather funny when some short guy tries to muscle/shove his way in front of me. I’m also about 265 lbs of muscle. I don’t move for many. I try and be polite and courteous to ladies around me, but it’s alot easier said than done. I have offered my shoulders to the smaller folk around, but they usually decline.
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Oh lady, as a 5 foot 0 woman – THIS IS A POST I CAN RELATE TO. Not only do I miss out on most of the concerts, but I also get bumped, knocked over and generally abused in any crowded venue because people look straight up in front of them, and my head is far below their eye level. “Oh, wha? OMG I didn’t even see you there!” Yeah, Imagine that.
On the plus side, I run down the stairs faster than anyone else I know.
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Everywhereist Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 11:18 am
Jodi – I never realized it, but I can run down stairs quickly, too. What is it? Low center of gravity? Or my ridiculously short legs?
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Kelsey Reply:
June 3rd, 2011 at 10:18 am
OMG. I do that too!
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I am always — in my head — an incredibly tall person. Then I take photos with friends and am shocked to realize that 5’3″ does not make me the Amazon I believe myself to be.
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Everywhereist Reply:
February 11th, 2011 at 11:20 am
Compared to the rest of my family, I actually AM one of the tall ones, so it sort of skews my impression of things.
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Often in my dreams I am taller than my actual height of 5’4″….and younger and better looking too….in fact I’m an entirely different person come to think of it……but I have learned how to be most comfortable wearing REALLY tall shoes…..I even have some high-heeled sneakers that I love…. it helps me to live in denial. Which is a nice place to be most of the time.
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You are not short. I am five feet even, when I stand up straight, but I am not short either. By Starbucks’ standards, we are both Tall. I had this epiphany a couple of months ago and wrote about it at Epiphany http://j.mp/fym8nm.
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This post is awesome. I was at an Old Crow Medicine Show concert last summer and if I hadn’t used my small stature to weasel my way through the crowd and up to the fenceline, I too would have had a lovely concert of staring at other people’s shoulders. To be honest, I can’t even imagine how awesome concerts must be for people who can, you know, see. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one.
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Everywhereist Reply:
June 3rd, 2011 at 10:25 am
You are definitely not alone. We stand together! Not at a very high altitude, but still!
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MIke, you are nice to offer your shoulders to the girls!
I’m 5’1.5(yes, that extra half counts!)
and I’m going to Lollapalooza soon, so I hope I can weasel my way to the front at least.
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I am a tall female in our short tribe. In my head, I’m willowy tall, an impression reinforced when I visit. Sadly, I am a short female pretty much everywhere else. I risk bunions and permanent foot damage by embracing the high heeled shoe/boot/sandal with every step I take. Thank god yoga is barefoot. Your concert story reminded me of a Stephen Colbert taping in Vancouver during the Olympics last year. Tens of thousands of fans, all standing in a mud pit, and all of the tall ones standing in front of me. I couldn’t decide if it was worse to be unable to see a damned thing or to be asphyxiated by their collective odour. Too bad I’m not a dog, because it was frankly odoriferous. In the end, my 6′ tall husband had to narrate (!) the scene to me because I stood in that mud pit, freezing and unable to see a damned thing, for over three hours. Good thing my camera didn’t need me to focus for it or the day would have been a total waste.
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Thanks to your explanation, my 6’4″ husband probably understands better now why at 5’2″ I’m not as excited about concerts as he is. I love live music, but if I can’t see it, that takes away a lot of the fun!
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Everywhereist Reply:
November 17th, 2011 at 1:19 pm
No kidding. We might as well invite all our tall friends over to stand in our living room with the lights dimmed while we listen to music.
Think of the money we’d make if we charged admission!
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I literally laughed through that whole post! Actually, more like cried as I stifled my laughter as to not awaken my roommate.. I could see it coming, “oops, sorry, I was reading the Everywhereist”.
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Well I’m the way too short. Im about 5 feet tall. I adore concerts but the fact is I can’t even see the spots usually. Especially when I’m in a metal concert, its more than a torture to me. Ive been on shoulders once but now I find it emberrasing. Because of that look in peoples eyes and, I think it looks so childish which I hate to look like. All of my friends are 4 5 inches taller than me and its horrible. If the concert like has few people I don’t even remember that I’m short but, unfortunately it always be full of long legs, haha. I also want to add that I have a friend who I lately bought tickets to one with that says yeah were short, but we’ll have fun. But the point is she is about 5.7.
By the way your describe is amazing. Haha I think we should send it to the stuff
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Wow your description is spot on! I’m only 5’3″ myself and I remember the thrill of staking my claim in a prime spot to view the main stage at Coachella one year. Then slowly the crowd starts engulfing you and suddenly it’s over before it’s begun. Maybe we short people can get to together and invent some sort of fold-able or portable stilt shoes. We can sneak them into the concert in our purses or back backs. Once the concert starts we break them out and BAM we’re finally average human size! Sadly I’ve given this far too much thought.
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