Why visiting my family is crazier than a David Sedaris novel …

Posted on
Dec 3, 2009
Posted in: Rants and Raves, WTF

Part 1 in an ongoing series …

Travelling to see my family is always incredibly educational. Just when I think I know them, I end up discovering something completely interesting – like the specific terms of their probation, for example, or which Eastern European ethnic group “has it coming.”  

On this trip, I figured I wouldn’t uncover anything too interesting – after all, I go to my aunt’s and uncle’s house all the time, so I’ve probably uncovered all the hidden family mysteries their house is hiding, right?

Foolish mortal! OF COURSE not. There’s always more crazy to be found amongst my family. Our neurosis is the gift that keeps on itching. This time, I was lucky enough to learn the following …

My brother is apparently a member of the NRA

Better act now, bro, or youll miss out on your free tote bag.

Better act now, bro, or you'll miss out on your free tote bag.

To imagine what this is like in my family, picture your favorite family patriarch arriving to Christmas dinner in his wife’s wedding dress and insisting that he be referred to as Mother Shabubu.  It’s a little startling at first, but by dessert, you’re sharing tampons. You know the drill.

Oh, and then there was this:

Krystal with a K.

Krystal with a K.

Did you know that there’s someone in my Italian family with the name Krystal? Neither did I! Especially since Krystal is not only not an Italian name, but because the Italian alphabet has no letter K. Also, I’ve never in my life heard of or anyone related to us, even tangentially, with the name Krystal. But obviously, there must be someone, because otherwise why the HELL WOULD WE HAVE A NIGHTLIGHT WITH THE NAME “KRYSTAL” ON IT?

That would just be insane.

Oh, and apparently putting knives in the utensil rack with the blades pointing upward is a good idea.

Yeah. Cuz this is safe.

Yeah. 'Cuz this is safe.

I am saving this photo in order to prove to several of my relatives that they are not (contrary to popular belief) “cursed by gypsies”, but instead might just be careless. (And for the record, immediately after taking the above photo, I turned all the knives and forks around and scolded my aunt and uncle like they were children).

And speaking of accident-prone …

Whats wrong with this picture? Find 27 things!

What's wrong with this picture? Find 27 things!

That’s a photo of my uncle, pushing my broken-legged aunt in her wheelchair, in the middle of the road, alongside rushing traffic. He’s taking a pause here to answer his cell phone. My aunt is smiling because that’s what she does when her picture is being taken, regardless of how close she is to rushing vehicles.

He decided to push her in the street because the sidewalks “were too bumpy” and it was therefore “dangerous.” I thanked him for this important lesson in safety, and then proceeded to down three glasses of wine when I got to my cousin’s house.

What wisdom do you glean when you visit family? Do you find that your alcohol tolerance is far better than usual when you are around certain relatives? Or that one of your nephews looks way more like the neighbor than his biological father? Share your important family lessons below!

Leave a Comment

  • OMG! My mother does the knife thing as well. Makes me crazy… if I wash dishes and put the knives blade down, she turns them. WTF?

  • Geraldine

    They think it’s bad for the blade. Or something. I don’t know.

  • Well what do they care more about… the blade OR MY BLOODY HAND?

  • Geraldine

    You don’t really want me to answer that, do you?

  • LOL. That last picture is amazing.

  • P.S. I’ve bestowed you with some link love on my new blog

  • Geraldine

    Candice – sweet! I will return the favor very soon – getting my blogroll up and running in the next few weeks. 🙂

  • Awesome, thank you!

  • Ah, my beloved mother-in-law also puts knives in the drainer with the pointy end up. And not just the small knives. We have one rather menacing Henckels monstrosity and I can’t count the number of times I’ve almost fileted myself when she visits.

    As for the “Krystal” night light, I’m sure there’s a story behind it, but maybe it’s better if we don’t know.

  • Geraldine

    The story is, my uncle got it at a garage sale. That’s pretty much the entirety of it.

  • Delightful.

  • Pingback: The Everywhereist » Blog Archive » Marking your territory()

  • catcat

    I had a 6-month house guest who did that with the knives. Don’t want to dull the blade. I responded that I had grown out of my suicide phase and turned them back the right way.

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