You can’t fight city hall … or the TSA
posted May 3rd, 2010 by Everywhereist
Photo courtesy of Nexeus Fatale, via Flickr.com
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I could have easily turned this post into a Dick Move!, but that’s pretty much a given when the TSA is involved. It seems there’s no point in even complaining about them any more. Though they supposedly serve the people, they’re not accountable to the people. It puts them on par with the IRS, the secret police, or an evil monarch.
In short, you’re screwed.
On my most recent encounter with the TSA-holes at SeaTac Airport (who are, for the most part, morons, with a scant few exceptions who tend to work every other Easter) I thought I was prepared. I had my toiletries in my 1-quart bag. Everything was 3 oz or less. I had removed my shoes. And my jewelry. And anything else that would have branded me as an autonomous individual with rights. I had placed all those things, along with my sense of self, into the a little plastic bin in order to be scrutinized by people who I assume are literate (but, when it comes down to it, I have no evidence of that fact).
I’m being melodramatic, aren’t I? Forgive me. I’m Italian. And Russian. A combination that leaves one with a dark and somewhat theatrical view on life. And because I know that this tendency of mine, along with my big mouth and compulsion to speak out against completely asinine and bullshit rules, is bound to get me in trouble (and probably handcuffs) one of these days, I usually make sure that I know said rules ahead of time. Knowledge is power, and all that jazz.
But this time, I flat-out forgot. I usually carry a reusable water bottle with me whenever I travel. It’s proved indispensable time and again. Restaurants and food stands are more than willing to fill it up for me, which saves me a ton, and results in less waste than if I were to buy a bottle of water. And this time, I forgot to check if it was empty. Naturally, it wasn’t.
Here’s the exchange that ensued:
TSA-hole (exasperated): Ma’am, you can’t take more than 3 oz past security, even if it’s just water.
Me: Oh, shoot! I’m so sorry. I always check that! Is there some place I can dump it out?
TSA-hole: If you want to dump it out, we’ll have to go back out to the other side of the security checkpoint.
Me: Oh, nevermind. I’ll just drink it.
TSA-hole: If you want to drink it, you’ll have to go back out to the other side of the security checkpoint.
Me: Um … what if I just decide to throw the whole thing out?
TSA-hole: If you want to throw it out, you’ll have to do so on the other side of the security checkpoint.
(Let it be known that at this point, I thought I was losing my mind – whatever I said or did, her reply was the same. I did notice, though, that Rand was on the other side of the security checkpoint – he had yet to go through the metal detector.)
Me: What about my husband? Can he drink it? He’s on the other side of the security checkpoint.
TSA-hole: He’ll have to go back outside the security checkpoint.
Me: Isn’t he already outside?
At this point, the TSA-hole took the bottle and grabbed Rand out of line, who, god bless him, seemed to be paying some attention to what was going on, and wasn’t entirely shocked (though he was shoeless). When they disappeared, I started to get nervous. Apparently, even though Rand was on the other side of the security checkpoint, that wasn’t sufficiently outside. He had to go back outside, past the initial screening, to throw the water out, then stand in line again with his now-empty water bottle. I felt terrible, and angry. When he finally made it back (in a blissful 5 minutes – thank god there hadn’t been longer lines anywhere) I was a flurry of apologies on my behalf, and anger at the TSA.
“Shhhhhh …” he said, sweetly at first, and then with increasing ferocity as he tried to get me to shut up.
I, of course, was angry, and wanted to hear nothing of it. Since when did the area right in front of security become part of security? Why on earth did the TSA-hole make Rand go all the way back to the bathrooms? After all, if I had noticed my water bottle wasn’t empty, and gulped down the rest before setting it on the conveyor belt, none of this would have happened. So since Rand was on the other side of the conveyor belt, why couldn’t he just drink or dump out the water? Technically, he wasn’t through security. Why make him go any further out of it? AND WHERE THE HELL WAS THE SIGN THAT SUPPORTED ANY OF THE B.S. THEY WERE TELLING US TO DO?
I was hissing some of this as we were putting on our shoes, just on the other side of security. I was like someone who had just made it over the Berlin wall, taunting the soldiers on the Communist side. Which, as though it needs to be said, is a very bad idea. Because the soldiers still have guns.
Rand reminded me of this as he dragged me away.
“Do you know how many times I’ve seen people complaining about TSA on the other side of security get hauled back and interrogated?”
“Um … no.”
“It happens all the time. They want to make an example of people. And make sure no one complains.”
Sigh. He was right. No complaining within earshot of the TSA-holes, because they can lock you up. But still, that seems to only make things worse. We’re acknowledging that they have absolute power. That we can’t sway their behavior, or make them treat us like human beings through the power of complaint and fear of losing their job (which, let’s face it, makes any non-governmental employee treat you a little nicer).
It’s an unjust and unfair system. And it’s led me to two conclusions. The first is that I’ll stop complaining about TSA anywhere close to them (that’s, after all, what my blog is for). And the second is that I just might consider applying for a job at the TSA.
I think I have the right attitude for it.
Tags: Air Travel, Dick Move, TSA
May 3rd, 2010 at 10:33 am
You can’t just dump the water out next to security. What if that was Taliban water? Or bomb water? How do they know you’re not about to go all Jihad on the trash can?
I honestly get a lot more upset with the airliness these days. They’ve used TSA guidelines as an excuse to beat us over the heads with whatever arbitrary rules make their lives easier. If you smoke in the bathroom, the terrorists have already won, but if they make an extra $50 by forcing you to cram your bomb into the overhead bin, then fuck safety.
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May 3rd, 2010 at 12:39 pm
I did this job for 5 years at an airport in Canada, and I quit because I got tired of all the bullshit. The worst job I ever had, it might seem like a fun power trip but it’s anything but. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I think the rules have gotten more strict and asinine since I was there. We still had the 3oz rule, but there was a recycle bin just outside of the line people could dump their bottles into, and it wasn’t all the way back at the bathroom. But I also remember from working there that the rules change everyday.
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May 3rd, 2010 at 12:41 pm
I’ve only come close to losing it once with the TSA, even though my big diaper bag apparently makes me subject to further screenings. Nobody can quite believe that I am able to consolidate my liquids into one bag. “Are you sure there are no bottles? Cups? Juice boxes?” Dude, if I could get my kid to drink out of any of those, do you think I’d be wearing a top cut this low? It ain’t for your benefit, TSA man. I even stayed silent the time they entirely unpacked my hiking backpack/carryon in search of an illicit item–a bag of ground coffee from the Big Island, a gift for my mommy–bitching the whole time about how they didn’t like my backpack’s layout. They then tested that coffee and I was certain the hippies that ground the beans had dropped pot in there, but it was okay. Thankfully my husband had received an escort pass so he could help me repack and get to my flight on time but without his help I could very well have missed the flight (we overslept).
But the last time I flew, they demanded that I open a 2oz container of pureed sweet potato baby food so they could test the contents. Then I lost it and told them to just throw it away, if they were going to open it and dip something in there to test it I wasn’t going to feed it to the baby. They wouldn’t throw it away for me. I managed to leave the f-bomb out of the phrase “Are you kidding me?!” but it was a close thing. The guy’s supervisor interceded on my behalf and it was okay, but seriously. A container of sweet potatoes that’s under the approved limit and contained in a clear, 1qt ziploc. The TSA are ASSHATS.
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May 3rd, 2010 at 8:48 pm
Alouise – Holy cow. The stories you must have. I’m sure not everyone who works for the TSA is a jerk (I’m sure you weren’t one), but damn if the system isn’t broken.
Deanna – I’m shocked heads didn’t roll (though it sounds like they nearly did). The bit about the sweet potatoes is asinine. It’s clear that the people at the TSA don’t understand their own rules. Because the rules aren’t understandable.
Oh, and Dr. Pete – seriously, if explosives were an issue in the area before security, then they should start screening people before they actually enter an airport. Actually, nevermind. Don’t give anyone that idea.
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May 4th, 2010 at 6:40 am
This is one reason I’m really glad I fly out of Burlington, VT. At least our TSA agents seem somewhat reasonable and not at all like the fascists yours apparently are. Wow.
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May 4th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Bomb water. Good one, Dr. Pete.
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May 7th, 2010 at 7:28 pm
Reminiscing about my old job always leaves me angry and bitter. You’re right, the system is broke…. and to fix it would require a whole new way of thinking from everyone involved (security, airlines, passengers, etc). Just thinking about it already makes my head hurt. All I know was I truly hated that job, and never really loved looking through or taking away anyone’s stuff. But I was also crazy enough to stay for 5 years, hopefully other people have the sense to quit while they have some humanity left in them.
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May 8th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
Sounds strangely familiar. I once bought an expensive whiskey in duty free and had to go through a transfer afterwards. Got thrown out the security line, had to stand in a long check-in line to check my small bag with bottle and then had to go through security again. I barely made it onto the plane. Worst of all is that your ticket already contains a huge fee for this crap, so in a way, you pay to get harassed.
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June 8th, 2010 at 11:05 am
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July 25th, 2011 at 5:59 pm
I know, I know. This post is from over a year ago, but I’m still catching up with your posts. This will probably piss you off, but I thought it was hilarious at the time:
A few months ago I was traveling from Phoenix back to Alaska, via AlaskaAir of course. I forgot to dump my half-full Nalgene water bottle (so approximately SIXTEEN ounces of liquid – terrifying!) and it wasn’t caught until it scanned through the x-ray with the rest of my stuff. By this time I had passed (successfully!) through the metal detector, so technically I was “all clear.” I claimed the bottle, the TSA woman handed it back to me, and told me to DUMP IT IN THE TRASH near the end of the line (the UNSECURED end of the line on the OTHER side of the detector! I walked, unaccompanied, back past the loads of people in the security line, and proceeded to pour my water on top of the abandoned suntan lotion bottles (this of course made me feel like a giant ASS, because what kind of person pours liquid in the trash?). With my now-empty bottle in tow, I skipped ahead to the front of the security line, passed through the detector with barely a glance from TSA, grabbed my bags, and was on my way.
Just thought you’d enjoy another example of the very creative “regional” rules of our great TSA system!
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Everywhereist Reply:
July 26th, 2011 at 10:48 am
Okay, I was seriously freaking out when I started reading your comment out of fear that something really, really bad was going to happen to you. Glad to hear that it all turned out okay, though I am seriously convinced that the TSA is all smoke and mirrors now. Le sigh.
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