Superfluous Travel Item I Need (Kinda): Suitcase Stickers
Okay, fine – this isn’t exactly a STINK that I need.
After all, I don’t need to spend several long hours being interrogated by Homeland Security. And I don’t need to be strip searched, and, most likely, cavity searched as well.
Still, these decals are just about the funniest way I’ve seen to make your suitcase distinguishable from the countless others that come sliding down the conveyor belt in baggage claim. It’s only $25 for a set of four decals: cocaine, piles of money, sex toys, and kidnapped flight attendant (which is my least favorite – I find it too disturbing). But while the price is probably more than worth a laugh, I suspect that these stickers are bound to get you into some serious trouble …
It’s not that I think that TSA-holes can’t distinguish between two dimensional stickers and an actual tear in a suitcase that reveals massive quantities of cash or other suspicious or illegal items. But I do think that having a sticker like that on your suitcase is going to garner a lot of attention, and some of it will likely come from Homeland Security.
I can just see this conversation happening between two TSA-holes:
Agent 1: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Dude, check out that suitcase! It makes it look like it’s full of cocaine!
Agent 2: We should probably do a manual search of that bag.
Agent 1: What? Dude, it’s just a sticker.
Agent 2: Yeah, but what better way to fool us than to put a cocaine sticker on a suitcase that’s actually full of cocaine.
Agent 1: Whoa. That’s heavy, dude.
Agent 2: Like, it exceeds 50 pounds?
Agent 1: What?
Agent 2: Huh?
——– End scene ———
I can’t tell if these particular suitcase decals are more or less likely to get you in trouble than the x-ray bags I mentioned in a previous STINK. But they have inspired me to write a one-act play featuring the patriotic antics of two well-meaning but moronic TSA agents. Stay tuned.
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