My family is nuts: the Christmas edition

Posted on
Jan 3, 2011
Posted in: Random Musings

I have much to tell you.

There are still trips from 2010 that I have yet to blog about. And photos of things that you absolutely must see. There are Dick Moves!, and museum exhibits, and taco stands that deserve mention. Also, Stevie Wonder and former President Clinton might have made cameos. All in all? It was an amazing year, and I’m not through talking about it.

But since the holidays are freshly over, and I’m still recovering from them, I’d like to take a few minutes to tell you about spending Christmas with my family.

Explaining the extent of my family’s insanity to someone with a semi-functional home life is a daunting task. It’s like trying to describe a sunset to a blind man, or the merits of articulation to Nick Nolte – they may understand what you mean in theory, but that’s about it. Unless you are actually in the foxhole, on the frontlines of the crazy, you won’t get it.

You won’t understand, for example, why my mother thought it was a good idea to give both my brother and I copies of Twilight: Eclipse, The Movie Board Game, despite the fact that neither of us have ever expressed any interest in the films or books at any point in time (though, I suspect, my brother probably auditioned for one of the roles).

Of course, we didn’t exactly understand, either. And when we asked her to explain herself, she said, in between fits of hysterical laughter, that it’s like when you work for a company and everyone receives the same Christmas gift.

This woman was responsible for my upbringing.

At this point, my brother decided it would be a good idea to pose with our gifts while making “Twilight faces.” This meant that he had to look slightly constipated, and I had to look confused and sad.

Nailed it.

It took half a dozen shots before we got it right. Most of them looked like this:

If you look closely, Edward is on the verge of losing it, too.

But this is all par for the course. Like when my aunt gave me a gift she bought from Ross, which she assumed was a set of four scented Italian soaps.

The operative word being "assumed."

Apparently, though, someone had ripped out two of the soaps, and replaced them with a bar of dial and a hotel bathroom soap.

I bet you thought I was kidding a moment before.

Whether this happened at my aunt’s house or at Ross remains to be seen. Regardless, my aunt was thoroughly mortified. I found the entire experience delightful.

And, since I know that if she ever reads this I will be in some serious hot water, I would like to note that she also got Rand and I some other lovely gifts including a bracelet for me and some cologne for him that is, to borrow a phrase from the lovely Joanna, the equivalent of girl cat-nip.

There was the usual bacchanalia around the table …

And there were all the tiny moments that took place on or around Christmas – things said and photos taken – that help to create a picture of our particular brand of crazy …

“You’re awesome. If you and Geraldine get divorced, we’re keeping you.”


“Rand, you keep getting better looking with age.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is! Even Enzo said so.”

“That’s because he liked my suit.”


“She’s a saint!”

“Yeah, that’s the problem! She’s a saint in bed, too.”

“She must have done terrible things in a past life to have ended up with you.”

“Yeah, well, I wish she did them now.”


“Do not shoot this. Do you hear me? You need to sip it. This stuff is EXPENSIVE.”

“Then why are you giving it to us?”


“Edward, be nice.”

“She knows what she married.”


“Oh, wow, a bracelet! Is this for me?”

“It’s for Rand.”

“Is it okay if we share it?”



Anyway, now you kind of get the idea.

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