101 Totally Attainable Life Goals for Unambitious People
Because let’s face it: some of us are never, ever going to climb Kilimanjaro. We’re probably not even going to sit through a documentary about Kilimanjaro, because that sounds sort of boring. But you know what? The world needs people like us, too. Probably.
Here’s a list of totally attainable goals for the unambitious, the preoccupied, and the downright lazy. Count up how many you’ve accomplished. Or don’t. Whatever. You probably have other things to do. Like catch up on that show you wanted to watch.
- Get the hiccups.
- Forget to reply to an email.
- Accidentally swear in front of a toddler.
- Order something at a restaurant and have the server come back and tell you they just ran out.
- Pull the price tag off of a new article of clothing, accidentally tearing a tiny hole in the fabric. Damn it.
- Yell at your computer.
- Combine the remnants of several boxes of cereal. Create “Frankenbreakfast.”
- Wait until a public bathroom is empty before taking a pooh.
- Get stuck with the middle seat on an airplane, but only complain about it a couple of times.
- Use the word “the” in a sentence.
- Look up your ex on Facebook and see how many photos of them you can view without having to send a friend request.
- Sit in a waiting room reading a magazine that is at least two years old.
- Pass a state emissions check for your car.
- Get a haircut that’s not very much like the photo you pointed out in a magazine, but whatever. It’s not a big deal.
- Close your eyes for “just five more minutes” and wake up waaay later than you intended.
- Struggle to floss your teeth with a really short piece of dental floss because that’s all that was left.
- Remember the name of that one guy who you don’t know all that well but occasionally bump into at parties. He seems like an okay guy.
- Buy a pair of shoes that aren’t comfortable the first time you wear them, but now feel pretty good.
- Execute a recipe perfectly the first time, and then never get it right again.
- Stub your toe on a piece of furniture that’s been in the same spot for years.
- Arrive somewhere on time even though you were sure you were going to be late when you left the house.
- Remember someone’s birthday without a FaceBook reminder.
- Start writing something down with one pen, have it run out of ink, and finish writing it down in another pen.
- Buy a whole, fresh pineapple that is so good, you wonder why you don’t buy whole, fresh pineapples more often.
- Have your home overtaken by fruit flies as a result of said pineapple and realize that this is why you don’t buy whole, fresh pineapples.
- Get annoyed when someone who owes you money writes you a check. Seriously, it’s like $30. They don’t have cash?
- Surreptitiously pick a wedgie and then feel paranoid that someone may have seen you do it.
- Say “excuse me” after bumping into an inanimate object.
- Run out of clean underwear so you have to wear that one pair that you don’t really like but keep around for moments like these.
- Receive a text message from a number you don’t recognize.
- Remember everything you were supposed to get at the grocery store, even though you didn’t bring a list.
- Rescue a bug from someplace and put it on a plant that you think would make a good home.
- Screw up that joke you were trying to tell.
- Get inexplicably emotional from something you were reading or watching on a plane. Try to hide it, but seriously, we all can see you.
- Make a surprisingly balanced meal out of whatever you have in the fridge.
- Spend the entire day in your pjs, so that when nighttime comes around, you could theoretically just head back to bed without changing.
- Pre-wash the your dirty dishes so well before loading them that you have trouble deciphering whether or not you’ve run the dishwasher.
- Forget what you were talking about.
- Find inner peace. JUST KIDDING! Instead, get a hangnail.
- Find a birthday gift for someone that is totally perfect, at a point in time nowhere near their birthday.
- Donate to your friend’s charity thing they emailed you about. It doesn’t have to be a lot.
- Watch The Princess Bride at least five times over the course of your life.
- Pay a stranger a compliment and not have the subsequent exchange be weird at all.
- Pull a clean shirt out of the dryer and find that it inexplicably has a weird oil stain on it that wasn’t there before.
- Eat out of a mug because all the bowls were dirty.
- Go see that movie everyone is raving about. Fail to understand what the big deal is.
- Tell someone “We should hang out sometime!” and then feel sort of surprised when they follow up.
- Hold a baby and have it get some weird substance on you and pretend you don’t care. But secretly? You do.
- Hug someone for just a second too long. (That was weird.)
- Be really comfortable in a room when everyone else is a little too hot or cold. After a few minutes, realize they’re totally right.
- Feel embarrassed by something you did in the past that no one else remembers.
- Order a different ice cream flavor than you usually do. Be slightly disappointed with your choice.
- Be somewhat surprised when you hear that one actor died, because you didn’t realize he or she was still alive.
- Accept a FaceBook friend request from that guy you only met that one time. Wonder who he is every time he appears in your feed.
- Run a 1k.
- Run a fever.
- Run a bath.
- Get a really good idea late at night. Write it down. Find that it makes no sense at all the next morning.
- Let your friend have the front seat, even though you called shotgun first.
- Catch such a bad cold that one of your nostrils is totally plugged up, but the other one is clear. And then later, without you realizing it, they switch.
- Go to bed early, not because you have to be up early or anything – just because you’re really tired and it’s good to listen to your body.
- Successfully avoid catching the stomach bug that’s going around.
- Catch the stomach bug that’s going around.
- Get a song stuck in your head, even though you don’t know all the lyrics to it.
- Accidentally get someone else’s mail. Consider throwing it out, because it’s just junkmail anyway.
- Fart in public, and then act grossed out by the smell so no one suspects it was you.
- Sit on the grass for so long that when you stand up, your butt is kind of damp.
- Do a semi-decent impression of Keanu Reeves.
- Bump into someone you know when you’re in a hurry and rush off before you have a chance to really talk.
- Find a really flattering photo of yourself that you didn’t previously realize existed.
- See a show. Don’t give a standing ovation.
- Remember your umbrella.
- Forget your umbrella.
- Delete her contact information from your phone. DO IT. No, don’t “keep it in there so you can screen her calls.” Delete. It.
- Get soap in your eyes.
- Brush your teeth at least three times in one day.
- Run out of milk.
- Pick your nose but try to pass it off as just rubbing it.
- Say you’re over it, and totally mean it.
- Say you’re over it, when you really aren’t.
- Lose your place in that thing you were reading.
- Wonder how long that piece of food has been stuck in your teeth and if anyone noticed.
- Get stuck in traffic even though there is absolutely no reason why there should be traffic at this hour.
- Make some changes to a recipe because who the hell keeps fresh ginger lying around?
- Decide to leave your sunglasses at home because it doesn’t look that bright out. Spend the entire day squinting because it is the brightest day that the world has ever seen, ever.
- Wonder where that scratch on your arm came from.
- Get annoyed when someone cuts in front of you in line, but don’t say anything.
- Misplace your keys and this time really start to wonder if maybe they’re lost for good before you finally find them in a place where you already looked.
- Buy some stamps.
- Forget where you put those stamps you bought.
- Get a new debit card in the mail, even though the old one won’t expire for months.
- Be in a really good mood for no reason.
- Buy a shirt that you only sort of like, just because it was on sale.
- Straighten a picture frame only to have it end up crooked again, like, five minutes later.
- Offer everyone some gum, and then realize that you don’t have enough to go around.
- Leave the dishes in the sink.
- Feel self-conscious about your toes.
- Buy a postcard, but don’t send it to anyone. (Even though you have stamps somewhere.)
- Start reading a book, realize it’s kind of boring, and never finish it.
- Wash a pan by hand and get really frustrated because you thought you got it clean but there’s still some weird stuff on the side of it.
- Fall in love. (Unrequited is fine.)
How did you score?
0-20: Wait, seriously? You might want to check if you have a pulse. Because these are really easy. I set the bar crazy low.
21-40: Way to aim for something well below the stars!
41-60: Hopes for a normal life after earning such a triumphantly mediocre score will be near impossible. Friends may abandon you out of jealousy.
61-80: Honestly, just counting to 60 or higher should be considered an accomplishment. Reward yourself with a snack. Nothing fancy. String cheese, maybe. Or some fruit, but then you’d have to wash it and cut it up and … ugh. See? This is why you don’t eat fruit.
81+: Congratulations! You did … something! (Sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention, so I’m kinda unclear on what this is). Go watch TV.
“I don’t know because I (didn’t get through the entire list/didn’t feel like counting up my score/feel asleep.” The student has become the master. Well done.
(P.S. – Because my friend Mike is way funnier than I am, he apparently thought of this concept way back in 2010 and wrote a post about it. His is funnier than mine. But mine’s longer. #thatswhatshesaid)