I’ve just gotten my second vaccine (the technical term: a full vaxxiccino) and have been reading the CDC’s recommendations for safe summer activities for the fully vaccinated. I’m two weeks ahead of my husband, something I hold over his head because he has better abs than me and is just a better person all around, and if Earth gets evacuated because the sun suddenly decides to explode, he is absolute getting on the good escape shuttle. But I got vaccinated first (thank you brain tumor and asthma! I knew you’d come through for me!), which I’m pretending is some sort of moral achievement.
The CDC has said that vaccinated people can gather indoors with other vaccinated people! We can hang out inside with our friends! Like we used to! Like humans have for centuries, and also like a bunch of raccoons probably do if you leave the door to a cabin in the woods open. We can be raccoons!
The full list is here. In the spirit of this, and based on no factual evidence, I’ve started making declarations about other things the CDC has recommended, because I can do that. Because the CDC says if you are fully vaccinated, you can make up things that the CDC has said.
The CDC has said if you are vaccinated, you do not need to wear a mask if you are outdoors in an uncrowded venue.
This probably means you won’t need to wear a mask to the CDC’s summer theater in the park production of Grease. Ticket sales have not been good.
The CDC would like to note that sales are probably bad because the entire concept of Grease is dated and sexist and the idea of changing for a guy is really awful and also some of the songs are super rapey. The CDC does not feel like it’s being listened to when it recommended Grease 2 as an alternative.
Grease 2, the CDC would like to note, is super feminist and about loving someone for who they are, not who they could be, and it’s all about the girl choosing the right guy, and it’s got some bangers in it.
The CDC recommends you watch the 1982 film version of Grease 2 right now. You can do so with unvaccinated people without wearing a mask provided they are from the same household and understand that Grease 2 is far superior to Grease.
Fine, the CDC will stop talking about Grease 2.
The CDC says fully vaccinated people can gather indoors without wearing a mask or keeping six feet apart, unless you are at an Eyes Wide Shut type party, at which point you will probably need to wear a mask, but it’s not like those cover your mouth. Having your mouth free seems to be an important part of an EWS party. Admittedly, the CDC hasn’t seen that movie, but the CDC did just google “Eyes Wide Shut Masks” and now Joan in IT probably has some questions about the CDC’s search history.
The CDC recommends Joan mind her own damn business.
Okay, the CDC maybe needs to chill out. The CDC has been under a lot of pressure these last few years. The CDC guarantees that you haven’t thought about the CDC this much in your life. Like, a handful of people made bad choices and suddenly the CDC is everywhere, and it’s thrilling and exhausting. It’s probably how Pauly Shore felt in the 90s. The CDC wonders if it needs a catchphrase.
I’m the Center for Disease Control, Babyyyyy!
No. The CDC does not recommend that. Nevermind. The CDC’s schtick is more of along the line of dad-jokes. If your dad were a giant governmental institution dedicated to promoting health and quality of life by preventing and controlling disease. (Sigh. This is why the CDC is no good at parties. Which you should not have be having right now with unvaccinated people from several households.)
It’s not that the CDC can’t be funny!
The CDC says hop on one foot.
The CDC says raise one hand.
The CDC says raise your other hand.
The CDC says hop faster.
Okay, this is ridiculous, you can put your arms down … Ah, ah, ahhhhh, the CDC didn’t say!
(Now go wash those hands for the time it takes you to sing the “Happy Birthday” song twice.)
The CDC recommends blocking your uncle on Facebook who says that the vaccine is going to put a tracking chip in your blood. The CDC would like to remind that uncle that his phone has GPS, everyone already knows where he is, and what he’s searching for while taking a dump, and no one cares.
The CDC says fully vaccinated people don’t have to wear pants. The CDC realizes that you probably haven’t been wearing pants anyway. The CDC lauds your preparedness.
The CDC really wants to know what happened to the neighbor’s cat. If you ask, the CDC would like to remind you to keep as distance of at least six feet, unless everyone has been vaccinated.
The CDC recommends you avoid large indoor gatherings. The CDC recommends you just sit on the couch and rewatch Grease 2, because there is zero chance that you will accidentally run into your ex unexpectedly on your couch and be forced to have an awkward conversation about what they are up to now. Actually, you know what? The CDC is just going to permanently recommend avoiding large gatherings. Like, forever.
The CDC says that even if you have been vaccinated, you should still watch out for symptoms of Covid-19. I mean, you’ll probably be fine, but remember that final scene in Die Hard when you think Karl is dead but then he pops up and tries to kill John and Holly and Carl Winslow has to shoot him?
Covid is kind of like Karl.
The CDC is wondering if the CDC makes too many movie references.
The CDC recommends you still wear a mask in public spaces like stores and airports and around people who are immunocompromised. The CDC also recommends that you don’t race down an exit lane because it’s moving more quickly, and then swerve back into traffic just to save a few seconds. The CDC recommends you pick up your dog poop and that you don’t put that poop in a neighbor’s trash can because maybe that neighbor doesn’t have a dog specifically because they don’t want to deal with poop. The CDC expects you to throw that away at your house. Basically, the CDC wants you to care about other humans and not be an absolute shitburger, and realize that your individual liberty does not mean that you get to endanger others. The CDC would like to note that it isn’t hard to give, like, three flying fucks about other people, and frankly, the CDC can’t believe it has to tell people to stop acting like fully grown, spoiled-ass Veruca Salts, and explain to them that yes, science is real and yes, vaccines work, and yes, everyone in a society has an obligation to one another, and also, Grease 2 is amazing.
This shit is obvious, people.
The CDC is tired. The CDC is done. Happy summer, from the goddamn CDC, babyyyy.