12 Ways Seahawks Fans Can Deal With Their All-Consuming Misery Right Now

Posted on
Feb 2, 2015
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Friends, Seattleites, Pac NW Countrymen, lend me your ears!

… Today kinda sucks, huh?

At least we’ll always have 2014.

 

For some of us, this pain is not new. It’s one we’ve come to know well. We were there when Hasselbeck won the coin toss in the wildcard game in 2003, when he bravely said we were going to score, and instead was intercepted. We pounded on the ground so furiously when we beat the Cowboys in the playoffs in 2007, that our downstairs neighbors complained.

We felt so wronged in the Super Bowl in 2006, we can barely talk about it.

The pain extends back into our childhoods, but there are fewer memories to cull from. We vaguely recall being ridiculed on the schoolyard for our affinities.

“SEAHAWKS SUCK!” was the general taunt, which gains a few points for alliteration, but loses even more for lack of creativity.

This pain is not new to us.

But for some of you, it is.

I’m here to help. Because I know that there is nothing quite like the pain of a Super Bowl loss. Except for maybe a jarring, sudden, and seemingly avoidable Super Bowl loss.

The only thing worse than that? A Super Bowl loss to Bill “I tried out for the part of Emperor Palpatine but was too deemed creepy” Belichick and Tom Brady, human-Ken-doll.

And now you, dear friends, are experiencing the hat trick of all three. I’ve composed a small list that will help you deal with your extreme, suffocating, soul-consuming devastation.

It’s not as selfless as it seems. I’m hoping that if I keep reading it, it will put things in perspective for me, too. Maybe.

  1. Stop asking “What if?” What if Wilson had handed the ball to Marshawn? What if the pass had been caught? This will get you nowhere, and only drive you crazy. Some improbable things go against you. Some go your way. What if your parents never met? What if another sperm had beat out the one that eventually made you, and you in your present incarnation NEVER EXISTED? What if we peed out of our nostrils?THESE ARE NOT QUESTIONS TO BE ASKED. Forget about what if. Just accept what is.
  2. Somewhere, you have at least one friend who is happy that their team won, and they aren’t being a total dickbag about it. So that’s kind of nice. You should buy that him or her a drink. When the pain blows over. In, like, 20 years.
  3. Avoid trash talking fans or cities. It won’t make you feel better, and will only bring more pain unto yourself. Remember: we’re not really in a place to talk shit right now. Players are fair game, however, as are coaches. That’s why we can bring up that Tom Brady cheated on his pregnant movie star girlfriend when she was 8 1/2 months pregnant, despite having only a molded plastic lump for genitalia.

    You know what’s amazing? I’ve already used this photo on my site before. Having your own blog is the best, you guys.

  4. Remember: you are NOT alone. There’s something to be said about there being strength in numbers. Today, the entire city is collectively weeping into our $9 organically grown flat whites. My husband is a Packers fan. Do you know what it was like for him 2 weeks ago? Imagine being in Boston last night. Yeah.

    In happier times, at Lambeau field in 2012.

  5. There are at least 53 guys (55 if you count the head coach and the GM, and I think we can) who feel worse than you right now. Teams are risking their fucking lives (and probably shortening them) to play the game. Let’s keep things in perspective.
  6. Now’s a great time to weed out the assholes in your life and your social media. There’s nothing like having your team suffer an immense, excruciating loss to see who’s a sore loser, and perhaps worse than even that, who is a sore winner. Block them, unfriend them, write them out of the will, or cut them out of your wedding photos (if they are the bride or groom, just paste Russell Wilson’s face over theirs).
  7. We won last year. That means we made it to the fucking Super Bowl THE YEAR AFTER WE WON THE SUPERBOWL. This was a rebuilding year. THIS IS WHAT WE DID IN A REBUILDING YEAR. If trends continue, that means that by this time next year, we’ll be ruling the entire NFL and most of the free-speaking world. We’ll takeover half of Canada and the entire Western seaboard and name it SEAHAWKLANDIA (or maybe Land of L.O.B.? I don’t know. I haven’t entirely thought this through.) I won’t tell you what to do when we’re in charge of everything, but consider being benevolent and kind despots to 49ers fans, okay?

    It can’t always be like this. But one time, it was. And holy crap, was it ever great.

  8. Don’t forget: it’s early. Our quarterback is 26. He is 11 years younger than Brady (though they look about the same age, because botox isn’t considered a PED).ย He is allowed to make mistakes. He has time to grow. And he’s never cheated on his immensely pregnant girlfriend with a supermodel. But he does go to Seattle Children’s Hospital. Every. Fucking. Week. He’s someone we can be proud of.
  9. “At least we’re not (insert team name here).”ย Look, one team is ahead of us, and their squishy balls might be to blame, as well as a coach with the charisma of sea cucumber. And we’re ahead of 30 teams, because of Beast Mode, the L.O.B., and a QB who is just so fucking sweet he might have given me a cavity.
  10. Pete Carroll seems like a genuinely good guy. He’s obviously not perfect, and there’s some NCAA stuff that’s iffy in his past, but he’s also never said a bad thing about a player, ever. Belichick, I shit you not, kidnapped the first born children of many of his starters, as well as a bunch of their new puppies, and grunted that they would be returned upon receiving the Lombardi trophy. As of 9:30am PST, the children have been returned. 3 of the puppies remain missing. (Unsubstantiated rumor: Belichick was seen wearing a bib with a puppy emblazoned on the front sometime last night.)
  11. It is okay to cry. This became an unofficial rule in my house after I wailed for a good 20 minutes over ourย 2012 elimination from the playoffs: you can cry once a season (more than that is negotiable based on need or age). Tears are not to be ridiculed in any way. Hell, we don’t even need to fucking talk about it. You’re crying, okay? NO BIG DEAL. You like football and you’re sensitive. It’s not your fault you are well-rounded and in touch with your emotions in a world that isn’t. Try to keep it under 20 minutes, though (for practicality’s sake).
  12. The Patriots are legitimate cheaters. Even if you put aside Deflate-Gate for a moment (BUT WHY SHOULD WE?) they still have Spygate. Belichick’s history will be tainted. Whatever wins they have will be accompanied by an asterisk. Whatever wins we have will be accompanied by Skittles and microbrews.

I know it stings right now, but I promise: it will go away. It’ll take time. But soon enough, things will return to normal. Marshawn will continue to be taciturn. Wilson will continue to be a total mensch. Belichick will return to the bridge under which he lives, demanding a toll from people who attempt to cross it while sipping puppy blood from a goblet. And Tom Brady will continue toย press his crotch against his wife’s in a feeble attempt to engage in sexual intercourse, despite his not having a winky.

And it’ll probably rain here in Seattle. But if we wait it out long enough, we’ll see sun. And we’ll remember why we never want to be anywhere else, and why we’ll never root for anyone else.

But in the meantime, I’ll be doing this:

Vintage Seahawks blanket I’ve had since I was a kid? Check. Locally made 2Bar vodka? Check. A lifetime of regret and pain? … Check.

 

GO HAWKS!

Leave a Comment

  • There is such a thing as Football Karma.

    This was karmic retribution for the NFC Championship game and the Fail Mary.

    • Everywhereist

      Gary, don’t be ridiculous (Pokes pins into calf of Aaron Rodgers’ voodoo doll.) That’s just crazy talk.

      • Matt

        Oh man, I laughed so hard a couple times that I think a little pee came out. Following the blog from now on :]

    • No, karma for Fail Mary would have been the frickin’ Packers winning two weeks ago (and then winning the Super Bowl). As a Green Bay fan, I’m adamantly opposed to spending our Fail Mary karma on the Patriots. That’s bad biscuits brotha.

  • Matthew Brown

    The combination of schadenfreude and mean things said about my team/coach/QB in this article resulted in a sublime high. Sort of like a Spanish Coffee.

    • Everywhereist

      #2 was written for you. Don’t make me revoke that. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Matthew Brown

        OK! I want that spanish coffee in 20 years.

  • Eloquent as always. You forgot to mention that Belichick plays “Whack-a-mole” with kittens. But it’s probably best not to bring that up right now so good call.

    • ToriFair

      : )

  • Debbie

    Baby Isaac having mastered ‘TOUCHDOWN’ hands up for the big game, woke up with night terrors at 2 am. Told momma Ally he was just channeling Russell Wilson’s bad dreams. Yes they feel worse. Pass the vodka anyways my dear!

    • Everywhereist

      Oh, poor wee Isaac.

  • It was a tough loss, for sure. But I love how much the Seahawks have brought this sometimes unfriendly city together in the past couple of years. It’s made me smile every time I’ve heard moms discussing the games on the playground or little kids in my son’s school hallway making comments about touchdowns and yardage. And I love that so many people were still wearing their Seahawks gear today after the loss. It’s nice to have a good team for once, and it’s nice to see us all rallying behind them after a close game.

    And Captain America is still coming to town, even though he won the bet! Win-win for the kids in Boston and here in Seattle.

  • Oh, and my son, who is usually a die-hard Seahawks fan (he’s 7 1/2) informed me today that he isn’t sad because he likes the Patriots too. Something about liking the logo on their helmets. So I will be selling him to the circus after school today, obviously.

    • Everywhereist

      Aww, I think he’ll be a lovely addition to the circus.

  • Kris

    Unrelated to this post…..you inspired me by naming Steve ‘Steve’, so I named a recent tumor the ‘Wee Beastie’. All tumors should require a naming ceremony upon removal. Your positive influence on the Custer clan is never ending.

    • Everywhereist

      I am such a Custer Clan Fan. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Also? I am also a custard flan fan. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Kristina Cline

    I just read this post to my husband, with hand gestures. I might have to print it out for his crew to take solace in.

  • Ton

    The Seahawks crazies from the Philippines are truly grateful for this article…and yes we cried dammit!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Andi

    “but consider being benevolent and kind despots to 49ers fans, okay?” ๐Ÿ™ 49er fan here so yes, I was rooting for the Patriots (Tom Brady has ties to the Bay Area too…). It was a good game, and heartbreaking for Seattle fans, so sorry bout that (she says half-heartedly).
    I can’t believe I made it through reading this post, that’s how much I love you and your blog!

    • Everywhereist

      Aww, you didn’t have to read it if it hurt, Andi!

      • Andi

        I know you were hurting more. :p

  • I read recently that Washington had a reasonably large “legal” marijuana surplus…which might have been smoked up in the last 24 hours.

  • cori

    let us not also forget that dark day when our basketball team migrated to oklahoma :S

    • Everywhereist

      Not over that. Will probably never be over that.

  • ToriFair

    this is the first thing that has made me smile all damn day.
    and it’s been a helluva long day.
    thank you thank you thank you.
    seriously, this is awesome.
    thank you.

  • Emily

    Found this circulating on Facebook. Thank you for this. It’s so perfect! I’m going to keep reading this because…damn, it still hurts.

    • Everywhereist

      I know, dear, I know. Woke up last night with my heart racing. Had had a weird dream that Marshawn was carrying a broken metronome.

  • Paul

    This might not help, but I still can’t watch the highlights of Super Bowl 32, and that was just a mere 17 years ago. BTW, it’s great to see that Rand is a Packers fan!

    • Everywhereist

      He is the sweetest, most earnest kind of fan. There is no one above the Seahawks for me, but I love his love for the Packers. And his fellow fans (Gary withstanding – hee!) are just amazing to him and me.

  • Ed

    Enough with dissing Belachick. No, he didn’t get the Emperor Palpatine role. But do you realize how much weight he had to lose to play the wolf in the Budweiser ad? That’s dedication. Yes, the L.O.B. was great as the Clydesdales, but it wasn’t much of a reach–those studs were just being themselves. Too bad life doesn’t always work out like a beer commercial.

    BTW, my therapy was to punch a hole in the wall. Okay, it was a wall that we’re taking out for a remodel anyway, so I wasn’t a complete dope. But it was oddly therapeutic–I stayed away from media Monday, and was pretty okay. As a friend said, “It’s like you went through the 5 stages of grief in 50 milliseconds.” A few cuts on the hand, a little swelling, no real damage–the easier pain, I think.

    • Everywhereist

      Damn it, Ed. I get a lot of hate comments, so I just read the first of line of this and was about to trash it but thankfully kept going. Hilarious. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Ed

        Thanks. Wow, Marshawn carrying a broken metronome–that image says it all. You must be a poet.

        Hey, a little off topic, but I was never crazy about “Bam Bam” as a nickname for Chancellor. (Maybe because I’m old enough to remember Barney Rubble’s brat.) What do you think about “Captain Crunch?”

        • Everywhereist

          I kind of think “Bam Bam Cam” is cute (and am just as old). But it does not carry the gravitas that he deserves. Honestly, I think just “The Chancellor” is great. Or the Chancellor of Boom.

          • Ed

            I like it–that’s good point about the gravitas. Perhaps he’d even be “Lord Chancellor of Boom” on formal occasions, like addressing Parliament. (Or Funkadelic.) I suppose the problem is, how many people today know that a chancellor is, as they say, a thing?

  • Love it….but I think we should’t be quite so hard on the sea cucumbers. Considering their other faults and all. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • jennifer

    Fantastic post! Nailed it. Thanks for making me laugh during week that has included stupid work and crazy clients, a SB loss, and the anniversary of the death of my dad. You’re my new hero.

    • Everywhereist

      Whoa, girl that is a crazy amount of crap for one week! I’m delighted that I was able to offer you a few laughs. Hugs and cookies to you.

  • Totally agree with #3. Every one of us has ups and downs while cheering on our teams, no need to get all ugly.

    Also, I have to post a special message to your Packers-loving hubby.

    Dear Rand,
    Your Driver jersey is super hot.
    Love,
    Donald fans everywhere

    K thanks bye

    • Everywhereist

      Showed Rand this. His reply, as he pressed his hand over his heart: “That is SO sweet.” ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for making his night!

  • Noreen

    Thank god there are other witty female football fans out there, and thank god you are a Seahawks fan! I absolutely love your closing picture. Great read! Question – you look young… I am sure you are not old enough to remember the glory days of Efren Herrera fake field goals on MNF but were you around for the Seahawks -7 yard game? As an old timer, I can salve my wounds by realizing that even a SuperBowl loss that sucked as much as this one did is better than the days of setting all time records of NFL badness…

    • Everywhereist

      Ha, no, I don’t remember this! I was born in 1980, so it looks like that was right around Herrera’s heyday. Gonna have to check him out on YouTube.

      Also, I’ve heard rumors about the -7 yard game, but it happened before I was born. Man. Those were dark days.

  • Blowing minds straight from the get go–#1 is some straight LIFE advice, girl. Every ounce of energy spent thinking about peepee out of nostrils is an ounce of energy one could spend on how to peepee for real and/or just high fiving cool people.

    • Everywhereist

      Word. There’s only so much time we have left on this planet. You need to spend it doing important things like peeing and high fiving.

  • As a life-long Eagles fan—-a team that has NEVER.WON.A.SUPERBOWL and played in only 2: one being the year you were born and the other, 2004, when they lost to —wait for it—-the Patriots, I feel your pain. As someone who didn’t have a monkey in this circus (other than a bad taste in my mouth for the Patriots), I have to say, as purely a football experience, it was one of the better games I’ve watched in my life—-and the year you were being born, I was watching the Super Bowl, so I’m old. I guess this is totally besides the point. Never mind. There’s always next year…..isn’t there?

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