-

I never imagined myself to be the sort of person who’d go on safari. It’s just not in my genetics. I don’t really like the sun. Large animals frighten me. And I don’t look all that good in khaki.

Plus, I have very short legs, and I’m not particularly good at running. If things went awry (and if a lifetime of watching situation comedies has taught me anything, it’s that things will go awry), and my entire tour group found themselves running for safety, I can guarantee you that I’d get picked off.

I have absolutely zero doubts about this. I was not meant to go on safari. I was meant to sit in the southern Italian sun, eating carbohydrates while wearing fabulous shoes.

But sometimes, we ignore the things that are encoded in our DNA. This is a very good thing, for it means that we can wear skinny jeans and consume dairy and do all those other fun activities that our lactose-intolerant pear-shaped bodies were not designed for.

And so, when I found out that several of Rand’s coworkers would be heading out on safari during one of our days in Cape Town, I decided to tag along (sadly, Rand was feeling a bit under the weather, and had an afternoon speaking gig, so he didn’t join us).

Aquila Game Reserve is about a two and half hour’s drive from Cape Town (weirdly, as though the fates were trying to remind me of my origins, the name of the reserve is spelled exactly the same as a province in Italy where I have family). But the thing about South Africa is this: even watching the landscape pass from your car window is amazing.

-

-

-

-

See? I told you. The drive was a delight.

 

We arrived at Aquila at 9:30, just in time for breakfast (which was included in the price of our tour). We’d had breakfast just before we left Cape Town, so no one was particularly hungry.

I mean, no one else was. I went ahead and had second breakfast because, you know, I’m me.

It was delightful and buffet style. There were a half dozen birds flittering around the dining hall, and I watched their antics (they seemed fond of pooping on chairs) while I ate. At some point, my eyes drifted to this light fixture, which was a created from the horn of an animal (an Elan, I believe), and an ostrich egg.

-

Doesn’t it look just like a giant sperm? I thought so, too. I nearly choked on my eggs (no pun intended).

At ten, our tour began. It wasn’t terribly crowded – several of us had our own seats, which was good, because while I don’t have long legs, I still need my space.

See, I’m a prolific farter. But who isn’t?

Our guide was a young man named Justin, who spoke softly and had an evident fondness for the animals in the park. His English was impeccable, but soon a problem arose.

There was a cluster of Italians on our tour – a gentleman who lived in Cape Town along with several of his friends. My understanding was that they also spoke Dutch, and they were supposed to get a Dutch tour guide, as no one except for the Cape Towner spoke English. When they found out the tour was English, they looked distressed.

“Can’t you translate to them?” Justin asked.

“Come on, man,” the Cape Towner said. “I’m a tour guide for a living. I’m on vacation – please don’t make me work.”

You probably know what’s going to happen, don’t you? Yeah. I ended up helping the Cape Towner translate the tour for the rest of the Italians. It was kind of awesome. Plus, I learned to say “artificial insemination” in Italian. Which I’m sure is a phrase I will use often.

Aquila has Africa’s Big Five: elephants, lions, rhinos, Cape Buffalo, and the leopard. This has, sadly, nothing to do with how cuddly they are. The categorizations originally referred to which animals were the most difficult to hunt (yes. That was a thing. In fact, rhinos are still being hunted. More on that in a moment.), but it now refers to the five most dangerous animals for humans, period.

We saw elephants first. They were ginormous and wrinkly and I really wanted to cover them with moisturizer, then feed them peanut-flavored snacks. Which is yet another reason why I am not allowed to care for large animals.

-

-

I adore elephants. They have large noses and long memories. I can relate.

WHO’S A WRINKLY WIDDLE PEANUT? IS IT YOU? YES IT IS.

-

This photo does a pretty good job of illustrating how crazy-close we were to them.

-

From there, we went to see the rhinos.

-

Aquila used to have three rhinos – a male, a female, and their calf (another female). A little while back, poachers infiltrated the reserve, and chopped off the male rhino’s horn. He spent three days in agony before finally dying.

His grave is marked by a pile of rocks. The female and her calf can often be found near it.

-

Rhinos have been poached to near extinction for their horns. They are considered incredibly valuable, as some folks believe that they have medicinal powers. Obviously, they don’t. It’s just a bunch of keratin (the same stuff in your fingernails and hair). But people are stupid. And inhumane.

Just a single gram of horn can yield $50,000 on the black market.

I don’t believe in capitol punishment. I never have. But I do think it would be entirely fitting if the poachers had some important part of their body cut off (I’ll leave it up to the state to decide what, exactly), and then left to slowly die over three days, alone in the searing sun.

I would be okay with that.

The two females (the mother and calf) that are still at Aquila are relatively safe, as their horns are much smaller than a male’s, so worth comparably less. This, by the way, is when the discussion of artificial insemination came up. They were talking about another way to get the impregnate the female rhino. But it would cost several hundred thousand dollars.

-

In short, rhinos are pretty much doomed, and as usual, humans are to blame. Le sigh.

As we drove on, Justin pointed out one of the reserve’s few giraffes. Apparently they eat the same shrubs as elephants do, but the pachyderms tend to strip the trees bare, so it’s rather difficult for giraffes to find food if they are occupying the same space. So there’s only two or three at Aquila.

-

Still, we got to see one, and that meant that I was to share with everyone the tidbits that I know about giraffes. Mostly that they are promiscuous as heck. They apparently have sex as a means of saying hello. (This further helps to explain why my friend Dan loves them so.)

Next up: Cape Buffalo!

Nuzzle wuzzle wuzzle.

-

I love these animals, because their horns make them look like they are wearing powdered wigs, or possibly Napoleon-style hats.

“I … I think we should invade Russia. It just seems like a good idea.”

-

Our driver turned the car around so that we could quickly make an escape if the buffalo charged. Justin explained that the Cape Buffalo are the most dangerous game on the reserve, because they don’t give a signal before attacking. One second they’ll appear calm, the next they’re running into your jeep with their Napoleon-hat horns.

They didn’t do very much when we were there, though. They just sat under the trees, nuzzling each other and probably discussing how they were going to take over Eastern Europe.

Cape Buffalo: SO LIKE US.

And then … MORE ELEPHANTS! (Or maybe they were the same ones we saw before. I can’t really remember.) We drove right passed them, and everyone fell silent, until I caught this view.

-

I mean, come on. It was a ginormous elephant butt, RIGHT IN MY FACE. I did what any self-respecting 30-something woman would do:I giggled like I was 12.

Bad idea.

This startled the elephant, and caused the jeep driver to scoot us quickly away, but soon we were able to back up and get a better view. So I’d just like to note that I did not ruin anyone’s safari with my uncontrollable snorting.

-

Justin explained that the elephants were both young males, and brothers, so while it seemed like they were fighting, it was actually all in good fun.

I dub thee Lord Wuzzlebottom!

-

Especially for the elephant on the right in this next photo. As you can see, he was having a lot of fun.

Rand: “Awww, seriously? You took a photo of that?”
Me: “Shut up. Nature is beautiful. And sometimes it has a huge wang.”

-

Then we found some zebras, and took a break to pee. Pretty much in that order.

-

Me with a whole bunch of zebra butts.

-

-

Seriously, I was crouching on Africa, peeing not more than a hundred yards from a dazzle of zebra. Life is grand.

And just in time, too, for we were about to see the lions, and I’d need an empty bladder for that. The reserve has a huge fence dividing it, which keeps the lions away from the zebras and the springbok, and all other manner of animals that they might eat, if so inclined. Justin jumped out and opened the huge gate in the fence, making a crack about Jurassic Park.

-

When we found them, though they were all lounging around a den that had been built for them. There was one male, and about half a dozen females.

-

That is not something that The Lion King prepared me for. I figured it was 1:1. Simba & Nala 4-eva, you know?

-

By the way, the male lion? He was a total diva. At one point, he decided he wanted to sit on top of the den, precisely where one of the lionesses was laying, and so HE SAT ON TOP OF HER TO GET HER TO MOVE.

Ugh. He can be SUCH a bitch.

-

For the record, Rand does this to me ALL the time on the couch.

-

And then he just lay there like a total primadonna.

-

Hey girl.

-

You leaving? Okay. Laters.

-

Note: it looks like the lions don’t have a lot of room in these next few photos, but they actually had a huge portion of the reserve to run around. This area, near the watering hole, had a fence around it, but it wasn’t enclosed. The lions could freely leave there and explore the rest of their territory.

I realize some of you are probably still thinking: Yeah, but it sucks to be locked up like that. And it does, except that none of these animals could survive in the wild. Justin explained that these animals had been rescued from a canned hunting scheme. With canned hunting, cubs are stolen from their mothers at a young age, and hand-reared by humans. The animals don’t know how to hunt, and while they are still wild animals, they are much more docile and gentle around humans.

The animals are then released into an enclosed area, where they are hunted by perverse folks with lots of money to spend. The animals don’t stand much of a chance, obviously.

To paraphrase what I said earlier: humans suck.

The lions at Aquila were rescued from a government-infiltrated canned hunting scheme, as was this leopard.

-

He was not running around loose in the reserve, but in a special, quarantined area that Justin showed us after our tour. These animals, for various reasons, could not be released into the park (e.g., there were some grown lionesses that were actually the offspring of the diva male from before. They couldn’t be placed in the park with him, or there would be some freaky lion incest going on).

Among them were this cheetah and its mate, which were part of a breeding program at the reserve.

-

-

It was heartbreaking; once again, it was our fault that these animals were here, and not running around in the wild, eating other, smaller animals.

And while our drive was wonderful, it often felt less like a safari and more like a visit to a zoo. The animals were not wild; they were cared for and looked after, because many of them couldn’t survive on their own. If you are looking for a true safari experience, you might find yourself somewhat disappointed.

After our tour concluded, we returned to the lodge for lunch (which included more birds, and more pooping on chairs. By the birds, I mean. Not by us), then headed back to Cape Town.

The gardens at Aquila.

-

I went back to thinking about how I had bucked my nature and my genetics during my visit to Aquila. How I’d waddled my pear-shaped body over dusty rocks, and came within a few feet of animals I had no business being around.

Then I thought about all the animals that were there because we’d made it unsafe for them to be in the wild. Those who weren’t allowed to follow their true natures, to succumb to that which is encoded in their DNA.

And it made me realize that as humans, we can deny our true natures with wonderful results. But when we force other creatures to do the same, it’s truly a tragic thing.

—————

The Essentials on The Aquila Private Game Reserve

  • Verdict: It depends. I had a lovely time, and it was well worth it, but there are plenty of other drives that you can do which will offer a more authentic experience. However, if Aquila is your only opportunity to see big game animals (like it was mine), then I recommend you take it.
    -
  • How to Get There: The reserve is about a 2.5 hour drive from Cape Town. We took a private vehicle, which ended up being about 700 rand a person (roughly $80 or so). If you are unfamiliar with Africa, the drive will zip by, as the landscape is beautiful.
  • Ideal for: Animal and nature lovers, families. If you’ve been on a lot of true safaris, this place will probably not hold too much interest for you. But if you really want to see Big Five animals, and don’t care if they are truly wild or not, then this is a great place to visit.
  • Insider tips: The jeeps are nicely shaded, but you will still want sunscreen, sunglasses, and probably a hat (they have all of this stuff available at the gift shop, but it costs an absolute fortune). If you want, you can even book a room at the reserve for a few nights (my understanding is that you get two free drives every day with the price of your room). The guides request that you wear muted, khaki-colored clothing so that you won’t alarm the animals. Admission was about 2000 rand, which seems reasonable for a three-hour tour and two meals.
  • Nearby food: breakfast and lunch are included in the price of your admission (though we barely had time for breakfast when we arrived). The meals are buffet style, and there are plenty of gluten-free and vegetarian options.
    -
  • Good for kids: Absolutely. They were several children on our tour, and they seemed to love it. Just make sure that they are able to be quiet around the larger animals (which, clearly, I still haven’t learned at my age), and that they won’t go jumping out of the jeep.
Full list of categories:  Attractions
«
»

Comments (26)

  1. 1
    Ed says:

    Wow what a sweet adventure….

  2. 2
    Iain says:

    I’m confused about the money. A 70 rand trip worked out at $80 and 2000 rand was reasonable for the safari?

  3. 3
    kokopuff says:

    I love your philosophic bits at the end of your posts. Thought provoking, without being heavy handed. And I can’t believe you haven’t made any puns about the currency. 70 rand a person? That’s some joke gold, there.

  4. 4
    Lanette says:

    How stunning! love the elephant pics.

    I totally agree with cutting certain parts of poachers! it’s never been as bad as it’s been the last two years, a rhino poached almost every 12 hours or something like that, just so heart breaking.

    hope you’ll get a chance to visit South Africa again and experience the wilder side. Kruger National Park is a no-brainer if you want the big five free and hunting for themselves, pretty awesome.

    70 Rand would be closer to 8USD no?

  5. 5
    Pam Wright says:

    I’ve been enjoying your blog for a long time, though this is the first time I’ve posted. Because I, myself, recently experienced the beauty of Africa for the first time your recent postings have hit home. Thank you for highlighting the horrible destruction being done to the rhino population by poachers, and the markets that drive the demand. I spent two weeks on a huge wildlife preserve in Kenya and learned a great deal about this tragic ‘industry’. The Ol Pejeta Conservancy is doing great work to protect rhinos and many other animal species. In fact they have four of the only seven White Rhinos that remain in the world! Being within feet of something that close to extinction was mind-blowing…and so sad. Seeing many, many elephant, zebra, impala, eland, giraffe, rhino, gazelle rumps was fantastic and certainly giggle inducing.

  6. 6
    Eric White says:

    Insanely cool. I’ve always wanted to go on a safari but have never been able to make it to Africa. Needless to say… once I finally do, taking a safari will be one of the first things I do! Awesome pics (even the elephant dong, ha!).

  7. 7
    Dan says:

    Not only do giraffes like to greet each other with sex; they’re also not especially picky about the sex of a given partner. Guy-raffe? Girl-raffe? Who cares! They’re just happy to be getting some.

  8. 8
    Mike says:

    This was awesome and the pics rocked! I’m a huge animal lover and advocate for animal rights. We are on the brink of losing so many beautiful creatures on this Earth and it is very sad. Thank you for your jabs at the poachers and appropriate punishment for them :-)

  9. 9
    Jo says:

    I visited this place in 2010. I had limited time in Cape Town, so this was the only place I could get to within my time (and budget) constraints. It loved it.

  10. 10
    winopants says:

    Awesome post, on so many levels: beautiful pictures, insightful commentary about the fate of these animals… and butt and fart jokes. Win.

  11. 11
    Lara says:

    It is a pity that you didn’t have time to experience a true taste of the African bush with all its wonders. With that said, all animals deserve to be revered and cherished, so thank you for bringing light to the plight of the animals, particularly the rhinos who are slaughtered inhumanely.

    I fully agree that you must take your opportunities where you find them and if this is the safari that is up for grabs, one should take it with open arms. You will have to return to my beautiful country to visit a lodge with enough space to lose sight of the fence.

    I am currently in Vang Viena, Laos, it is nice to have a taste of home through your posts and even better that it is such a positive review.

  12. 12

    South Africa is on my ” trailing spouse” trip list for 2014 (assuming I get a 2014. OK, I have a stomach virus, but this statement is a little over the top, even for me. Still, after your uninvited visit from Steve, I know you know where I’m coming from.) Even though I share many of the attributes that make you a less than perfect safari candidate, I’m going to be lobbying for going on a ” real” safari.

  13. 13
    Manuela says:

    Wow, you paid R2000 for a 3hour tour? That’s madness (not that you’re mad but the people running the place).

    Next time you’re here you should come up to Limpopo. We’ve got Kruger National Park at our door step and so many private game reserves that are right next to Kruger- without any fences.

    There you can sleep in an absolutely over the top luxurious game lodge, including all meals and at least 2 Game drives a day for that price.

    And it is soooo amazingly beautiful and stunning to see these animals roaming around freely…… I wish I afford going for the weekend……

  14. 14
    Manuela says:

    *I wish I could afford going

  15. 15
    ANISA says:

    Wow! This looks so cool. I love elephants and giraffes. It would be so cool to see them this close outside of a zoo setting. That would be a big enough safari for me. This makes me want to plan our next trip to Cape Town. (bucket list maybe)
    And I totally agree with you on the poachers. They should cut off body parts. I just came back from Belize and they have the same problem with people poaching turtles. Shameful and disgusting.

  16. 16
    Maritza says:

    Lovely post! I agree about the punishment for poachers…honestly it’s a serious problem in South Africa at the moment. Glad you got to pee on African soil, nothing quite like it ;) And R2000 is a lot of money for a 3 hour game drive, just saying.

    For interest sake: the sperm lamps don’t look like Eland horns but rather Kudu. And I think we say Capetonian for someone hailing from Cape Town.

    Really enjoying your trip so far, can’t wait for the next instalment!

  17. 17
    jenny says:

    Yeah it seems like a lot of money, but I think it’s one of those times where you’ve just got to think of it as a donation because you want to support the park’s efforts to care for the animals and offer them as normal an existence as they can, and educate people about the issues they face. In that light, I think it’s fair.

    Your trip sounds amazing. I’d never considered going to south Africa before, but you’ve planted a seed and now I’m itching to go!!

  18. 18
    Jay says:

    We decided not to do Aquila as we spent 4 days in Kruger before we went to Cape Town. It certainly seems more like a zoo to me and one of our favourite parts of our safari was tracking the animals. It was never guaranteed what you’d see and that was exciting.

    But, you’re right. If you don’t get a chance to see them in a more natural setting, I’m sure Aquila would suffice.

  19. 19
    karin says:

    The picture of the mama and baby rhino sitting near the grave brought tears to my eyes.

  20. 20

    Beautiful pictures! I was so surprised to see so many paved roads, I suppose when I think of Africa I assume dirt roads and the plains. It breaks my heart to see these animals enclosed, when that is there land :-/ Does money that you pay for these trips go toward animal research at least?
    ~Erin

  21. 21
  22. 22
    Meredith says:

    Another insider tip: wear a sports bra.

  23. 23
    Farnoosh says:

    I am sitting here at 2:23am because I have jet lag from my trip to AFRICA, Geraldine! We JUST got back from a 10 day safari in Kenya and Tanzania and the only thing we didn’t see as much were the poor endangered rhinos. I was IN LOVE with the elephants and I can see you were too. There were tons and tons of animals and the game drives were wonderful, even if a wee bit out of my (ahem) comfort zone. Even a luxury 5-star safari was something that I had to stretch my comfort zone for and I am still very happy I did it. The memories stay with me forever and I hope to GOD that the poachers all die a painful awful death by some mysterious cause and get eradicated from this earth so the animals can live in peace! Amen to my own prayer and big hugs to you, Geraldine!

  24. 24
    Maria-Emilia says:

    You’re a very good writer. I like your humor and style.

Leave a Reply