I AM THE PUPPET MASTER!

I am always amazed when people ask me for travel advice. I will often turn around to see precisely who they are talking to. Even if it’s in an email addressed to me, I’ll do a quick check over my shoulder just to make sure there isn’t someone better equipped to answer the question waiting there (as though Rick Steves is hiding in my office. Which would be equally horrifying and awesome).

I dispense my advice with some trepidation, reminding myself that these poor, misguided readers are under the impression that I know what I’m doing. And that they literally asked for it. The fools.

In this edition of Ask the Everywhereist, I once again present some of the questions I’ve received in my inbox lately, along with my feeble attempt at answers. Serves them right for thinking I was a reliable source of anything besides spite.

Dear Everywhereist,

Does your husband happen have any cute, single friends whose jobs require them to travel the way he does, and who have subsequently been unable to maintain a stable relationship, despite the fact that they are practically perfect in every way?

Signed,

Just Curious

 

Dear Curious,

He does, in fact, have a lovely friend who, for reasons I can’t discuss here, has been preoccupied with something for the last five to ten years which kept him behind bars unable to date. But he is now free and rather eager to meet a gal who shares his hobbies, which include ski masks, grand theft auto (not the video game), and aggravated assault (allegedly). Unfortunately, he cannot legally leave the state of Washington.

Actually, nevermind. I’m not introducing you two, since I’m pretty sure that would make me an accomplice.

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

—————

 

Dear Everywhereist,

1) I haven’t seen you comment on the fad(?) of cupcake lollipops.  Icing mixed with cake crumbs, then dipped.  You can find recipes online.  

2) Have you checked out “My Drunk Kitchen” on YouTube? Might be good for a Friday link.

Sincerely,

Dylan McKay

 

Dear Dylan,

1. Any recipe that begins with the destroying a perfectly good cake is a bad recipe. When you do that, YOU ARE MESSING WITH THE FRAGILE FABRIC OF OUR UNIVERSE. Cake and frosting live in harmony. Mixing the two is like crossing the streams. Never cross the streams, Dylan. Never.

2. Have I checked it out? I LIVE IT, Dylan. Every night. And twice on Thursdays (I never could get the hang of Thursdays).

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

P.S. – The years have been kind.

—————

 

Dear Everywhereist,

I hope to become a blogger too one day, but I can’t figure out how to make a living from it. Are you able to generate any income from your blog? 

Sincerely,

Starry-eyed Humanities Major

 

Dear Younger Iteration of the Everywhereist,

Unless you can derive sustenance from hate mail, blogging won’t even feed you. Instead, it will become a source of never-ending torment. You’ll spend hours trying to decipher comments from people YOU WILL NEVER MEET. You may cry when a total stranger criticizes your grammar. You’ll lose sleep. You may lose your friends. You’ll certainly lose a good portion of your sanity. And yet, you’ll keep going back to it again and again. It’s not unlike meth in that respect, though slightly less harsh on the teeth.

Sincerely,

Everywhereist

—————

 

Hi BLOG OWNER.

I have been reading your blog, INSERT BLOG NAME and would love to write a guest post for your site. Of course, it would be mutually beneficial. You would get free content and all I would ask for is several links to my offshore gambling site. I can have the post to you by the end of the week. Please let me know what you think.

Sincerely,

Monte

 

Dear Monte,

DIE. DIE. DIE.

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

—————

Legal Disclaimer: The “Ask the Everywhereist” column is for amusement purposes only. The owner of this site assumes no responsibility if you take any of her advice seriously. She would actually advise you not to. Also, she really does caution you against cake balls, because she’s fairly certain eating one will cause a rift in the space-time continuum. Your first bite will be on earth, present day. Your second bite will not occur, because you will have been transformed into a 50-year-old math equation. 

Full list of categories:  Advice » Ask the Everywhereist
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Comments (23)

  1. 12. Jan, 2012 / Emily:

    Thanks for bringing humor and your real voice to the increasingly marketed world of travel blogging. SEO backlink emails like Monte make me angrier than they should, like, maybe my office thinks I have tourettes angry. Especially as a beginning blogger when I’m so excited that someone actually read the two cents I put out into the world…and it was freaking Monte.

    • 12. Jan, 2012 / Everywhereist:

      It’s really rough in our house, because my husband spends so much time convincing people that SEOs aren’t all sketchy, spammy jerks, and then we’ll get an email like the one I got. Makes us both want to pull our hair out. :)

  2. 12. Jan, 2012 / Rachel:

    Just wanted to mention that I nominated you for the Bloggies! Pretty much for every category, whether it applied or not. Much deserved! I love your blog :)

    • 12. Jan, 2012 / Everywhereist:

      Aw, Rachel, thank you so much! (Runs to go look up what the Bloggies are.)

  3. 12. Jan, 2012 / Dylan:

    I find it’s best to try everything once. Over/under on how long it takes you to try one and put up a “Cake pops are awesome!” post? If I was a gambling man (too bad I can’t get in touch with Monte), I’d put the trying at 7 days and the post at 2 months… Which is fine – us readers will be here.

  4. 12. Jan, 2012 / Philip:

    I know a kid who has a bit of a Cake Pop addiction. She’s pretty awesome and I hope you two can still be friends.

    Also, “don’t cross the streams” had a very different meaning when I was growing up.

    • 13. Jan, 2012 / Adl:

      Dear Philip et al -
      I know EXACTLY what you are referring to…
      - Andrew in Arlington

  5. 12. Jan, 2012 / Mikeachim:

    Dear Ms E. Whereist,

    I am Mike of the National Bank of Greatest UK and the United Kingdom of Englands. I am on the run from the Queen, who have put a Contract out on my Head for speaking in a Public Place about the oppressive regime of royalty who are Mad with Power, who all have shotguns and trained Corgis.

    Since I am a Patriot with Best Interests At Hart, I try to do the Right Thing by moving my Earnings a broad to where person might hold in safe, keeping. Until I can reclaim them and Do Good Work.

    I have chosen U to make partner in looking after $400,000,800,120,900,001 (which is almost One Hundred Pounds Sterling) in ur banker-count until I am ready to collect, 4 which u get 10% and also car sticker.

    All I need from you is all passwords to anything valuable, a 3 dimenshional image of your front door key (Corel Draw ideal) and a certified copy of ur birth certificate. This is bcause all british bank transfers require these forms identification to make transfer enabled by bank transfer.

    If you do not act immediately you WILL lose chance to be special.

    Waiting ur reply which wont be long,

    Mike
    hotpantsequinsguns4499@spearmintrhino.com

    • 12. Jan, 2012 / Everywhereist:

      I really wish that email address was real, Mike. And also, if you don’t already own the domain spearmintrhino.com, you should. You really should.

      • 16. Jan, 2012 / Lauren:

        Um…I’d just like to say that Spearmint Rhino is a gentlemen’s club in Aussieland. I know this because it was on The Daily What today (and I thought “Hmmm….I’ve seen that before somewhere…”). Lo siento Everywherist, it’s already taken. Perhaps Wintergreen Rhino is up for keeps though?

        • 17. Jan, 2012 / Jen:

          Spearmint Rhino (the “gentlemans” club) also exists here in Texas. I laughed really hard at that, actually.

  6. 12. Jan, 2012 / Carolyn:

    I know it’s a hit, but My Drunk Kitchen makes me sad. Watch your friend bury her 20-year-old son, victim of a drunk driver. Then, slightly sloshed people? Just not funny any more.

    • 12. Jan, 2012 / Everywhereist:

      Oh, Carolyn, I am so sorry. That’s sincerely not something I considered when posting the link (which is a weird oversight on my part. Then again, I don’t drink and I’m always making jokes about how I was “drunk at the time.” I think I’m just kind of tasteless all around). Sending a hug to you and your friend.

      • 12. Jan, 2012 / Carolyn:

        Thanks, Ev. You’re good people.

  7. 12. Jan, 2012 / Meg B:

    I think you have to view cake balls as a completely different entity from actual cake. Think of it as frosting with crumbs in it. Then they are delicious. Although, I’ve only ever tried my friend’s mom and they’re pretty much cream cheese frosting with a hint of devil’s food cake so how can you go wrong with cream cheese? Maybe other cake balls suck.

    And thanks for another awesome Ghostbusters quote. LOVE the blog!

  8. 12. Jan, 2012 / Kim:

    Your blog makes me happy! Please beware, if I happen to see you while visiting Seattle (which is unlikely considering how often you are traveling) I will be giddy and probably ask for your picture. Just fair warning! Ha! :)

  9. 12. Jan, 2012 / Meagan:

    Stumbled upon your blog over the Christmas holidays and I’m addicted to reading it! Never cease to make me smile!

    And since you are a cupcake guru, I believe you might like this..

    http://www.etsy.com/listing/89015678/art-print-typography-quotesaying-love

  10. 12. Jan, 2012 / Candice:

    I LOVE CAKE BALLS!

  11. 12. Jan, 2012 / Erica:

    Thank god you view those atrocious cake lollipops the same way I do. I imagine a recipe for them being something like this: 1) bake a delicious cake 2) sit on the cake 3) dip it in stale frosting 4) add SPRINKLES because sprinkles will distract people from realizing that you sat on the cake… not.

  12. 13. Jan, 2012 / Petra:

    This post is my highlight of the day!

  13. 31. Jul, 2012 / Caronis:

    Concerning your response to Monte, the owner of the offshore gambling site. You replied, “DIE DIE DIE”.
    Wouldn’t it have been more succinct to use the plural form of DIE and just say, “DICE”?

  14. 12. Nov, 2012 / Dev:

    I’m a great fan of your style …it’s totally amazing and mind blowing…so simple and yet so great…big big fan ,even though I started reading it just a couple of weeks ago…hope u come to north east India someday :-)…u are amazing, never forget that ok???? good luck ahead …..

  15. 18. May, 2014 / Jaryd:

    Baaahaha links to “my offshore gambling site”. At least he knows how to contact people in his niche. It really seems like his guest post would be greatly “beneficial” to both parties. P.S great reply

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