Breaking the law, Italian style

Posted on
Aug 11, 2010

Note: My legal team has advised me to put a disclaimer at the beginning of this blog post, so here it is – this entry is in no way an admission of guilt, nor can it be admissible in court, because, um … it’s heresy or something. No, that’s not it. Oh, yeah, I remember – it’s a work of fiction. Yup. If anyone asks, this is fiction. Also, those counterfeit Louis Vuitton handbags? I’m totally NOT planning on selling them on eBay. That is all.)

Have I mentioned how good I am?

I mean, technically good?

As in, I rarely ever, every break the law? In that respect, I’m an angel. By all other definitions, I’m basically on par with people who eat puppies and talk during movies (Quiz time: guess which of those activities I do regularly!). But that’s beside the point – as far as the state of Washington is concerned, I’m hardly evil at all.

At least, I was. Until tonight. Because tonight, in my very own home, a law was broken.

In front of my mom.

And my aunt and uncle, brother-in-law and husband. And my dear, adorable 15-year-old cousin, who I allowed to be corrupted.

Basically, the scene went something like this:

My brother-in-law was coming to dinner tonight, and since my aunt and cousin are visiting from Italy, I figured I’d invite them too, along with my uncle. I don’t know how my mom found out about it, since I left no forwarding address at my last place of residence, but whatever (also, I may have invited her, and she may have been a delightful dinner guest. I’m admitting nothing).

Rand opened up a bottle of wine, and he went around the table, filling stemmed glasses. All of them. Including one he had placed in front of my dear, uncorrupted, 15-year-old cousin.

“Babe,” I said, positively oozing sarcasm, “Are you trying to get Giovanni drunk?”

Rand shrugged. “Why not?” he said.

“Yeah,” Giovanni’s mom chimed in, “Why not?”

Of course, Giovanni didn’t get drunk. No where near it, actually. This is in part, I’m sure, due to the fact that he’s, like, a million feet tall. And also because, as a young man living in Italy, he’s been trained to drink a bottle of wine with dinner since the age of two. Instead, he was in the company of family, drinking a small portion of wine with dinner.

BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS. Crimes were broken. Laws were committed. CRAZINESS HAPPENED.

Here’s a basic rundown of what happened (I read somewhere that police like to have this sort of thing, because it makes conviction easier. I assume that since I’m helping the police, I’ll get full immunity.).

  • My cousin leaves Italy, a hellish and unhinged place. The entire country has no official drinking age, resulting in moral depravity that is destined to tear the country apart. Italians, as a result, are deeply unhappy and unattractive people. Behold:

    Ewww, right?

    Ewww, right?

  • He comes to America, where SHIT IS AWESOME.

    America: Home of Paula Deen and freedom.

    America: Replacing bread with donuts since 2008.

  • I invite Giovanni, his parents, and my mother over to dinner. Storm clouds gather on the horizon.
  • My husband pours Giovanni a small glass of wine. My aunt and uncle, so entrenched in their own depravity, have no problem with this.
  • GIOVANNI DRINKS THE WINE. Thunder rumbles and lightning cracks.
  • He doesn’t get drunk, but rather exhibits a maturity that most people twice his age lack when in the presence of alcohol. BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER. In failing to stop him from imbibing, we break the law and are all instantly damned to hell.
  • I am going to have to devote my life to Jesus and Paula Deen in order to be forgiven.

And there you have it, folks. Instead of teaching my cousin about all the wondrous things that American has to offer (Capitalism! Cherpumple! The highest number of prison inmates per capita!), I allowed him to be corrupted by drinking wine. He should have waited until he was 21 and got blitzed while in a seedy bar, rather than learning to respect alcohol in social settings from a young age, surrounded by loved ones. That’s the way we do it here in America, WHERE GOD LIVES.

Fortunately, he’ll be going back to Italy soon, where that sort of thing is legal. Then we can put all this ugliness behind us, like we did Feminism and permed hair.

And I can go back to being my sweet, law-abiding self.

P.S. – I just remembered that I occasionally speed, attempt to cheat the system whenever possible, and am constantly violating copyright, despite being a copywriter. So I guess I lied before about not breaking any laws. But you believed me, so we’re both kind of at fault.

Leave a Comment

  • Sounds like you have been punished enough for your crimes, therefore, prosecution would be double jeapordy. right?
    Love the photo of the doughnut sammy. I remember once, while in France during America’s (stinky breath and totally constipated) Atkins craze, speaking to a French woman, Italian woman and German woman, I told them that Americans believe that it is BREAD AND PASTA that are making them fat. They did not understand the words coming out of my mouth, and they spoke English just fine.

  • Everywhereist

    Lara – that is hilarious. My aunt in the photo above? She’s had three kids. And the other day, she came over and raided my closet for stuff I was throwing away. And it all fit her PERFECTLY. Obviously pasta is to blame … for cut biceps and a perky little butt at the age of 50.

  • You… TALK DURING MOVIES?!?! *gasp* I … I reeeeally don’t know if we can be friends. I’ll have to think about this one.

    As for your cousin, HE is the law-breaker. You only invited him, your husband only SET A GLASS OF WINE DOWN. That stinkin’ minor-with-alcohol actually DRANK it. WHO KNEW?!?! But since he’s undoubtedly fled the country on MIP charges, hopefully he will STAY in exile and stop corrupting our beautiful system with his deviance.

    I mean, really.

  • Everywhereist

    Jackie – well, I say insightful things. Really, I only add to the movie with my commentary. And it’s usually only my husband who has to deal with it.

  • I desperately want one of those donut-bacon-egg-sausage sandwich thingys….like right NOW….maybe with a nice glass of italian wine……oops, I just drooled on my keyboard. Again.

    • Everywhereist

      Trisha – you don’t have a drool guard? You simply MUST invest in one. 🙂

  • I really hope you eat puppies.

  • PS. The Cherpumple just had a meteoric rise to the top of my Death Row Dinner list. Holy Shamoley!

  • So….not to be picky, but ya didn’t break a law. It’s perfectly legal for a minor to drink in their own home (or anywhere that is not selling the alcohol, i.e. family event (that isn’t catered)) with parental permission.

    So I’m sorry to like, kill the centerpiece of your post, BUT I still agree that the underage drinking laws are completely ridiculous. My personal biggest issue is that if we let people drink before we let them drive, they’d definitely have figured out how to get around without drinking and driving…(That’s how it works in the UK).

  • So with you, Gastrognome. Everywhere I’ve been where drinking age < driving age, the rate of drunk driving is dramatically reduced.

  • Wow, Dick Move, Everywhereist.


  • Colleen

    OMG….I love your writing. I can actually hear your voice rise and fall with the story. AWESOME.

  • Dude

    I tell you something it is better to learn drinking from a family members at leas if your digesting system forces you to throw up you will have a clean bathroom and somebody that will put a wet towel on your fore head.

    After studying like 5 years i may say that doesn’t constitute a crime, and that not because of regression after that action appeared or before you decided to write down the even on your blog, but just simple it is not
    even though deep down inside still might be hesitating.

More from The Blog

On Instagram @theeverywhereist

  • My Chrissy has had this on her fridge for a decade. Rand was exhausted, and we were six months away from getting married.
  • Did I buy this ridiculous 80s era overcoat from the Goodwill? Yes. Has Rand expressed profound skepticism over it? Yes.
  • He stole my apron, but he made me risotto.
  • Rand just gave me this pin for Valentine's Day and told me he's the Ralph Wiggum of our relationship. #choochoochooseyou #jonwye #valentinesday
  • An absolutely gorgeous venue for @andreadunlop's book launch. SHE REGRETS NOTHING is out today, and is a suspenseful, salacious, scintillating read. So proud of you, Andrea.
  • Doctor said my cold has ravaged my lungs. This is one instance where I could have gone without the metaphors.
  • How does my brother know how to say the exactly wrong thing to cheer me up? 😂
  • Sick day. Working on an op-ed that I can't turn in until tomorrow because I'm too busy watching This Is Us and feeling terrible. (BTW, I am *such* a Toby.)
  • The most handsome man in the world bought me a taco and sang me Billy Bragg. We talked about regret, and he told me he was sorry he took up so much of my life. And I laughed. Because it's not his fault that I can't stop thinking about him.
  • It's the 25th anniversary of Andre the Giant's passing. Here's the time I dressed up as him for Halloween.

All Over The Place

Buy my book and I promise I'll never ask you for anything again.