Just give me one of everything. No, I don’t need a napkin.

-

Friends, let me tell you something: steroids are terrible.

Many of you are probably wondering why a perfect physical specimen such as myself would need to resort to steroids in the first place. After all, my body is temple (albeit one dedicated to sloth and cupcakes). The answer is, simply, brain surgery. Steroids are commonly given to folks to stop their pesky brains from swelling up and killing them, post-operation.

In this respect, they are wonderful, because gobs of us walking around today wouldn’t be here without them. But they’ve got tons of downsides to them. They cause bizarre parts of your body to puff up without warning (in my case, my face and stomach have been stretched to their limitations. I look like a female Dwight Schrute), they send you off on an emotional rollar coaster not seen since you were in high school, and they make you break out like crazy.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that underneath every new zit that has arisen on my jaw, chest, and arms is a teeny tiny black hair waiting to break the surface. When that dark day finally takes place, I will hopefully be miles from any other humans, deep in the woods, hiding under the safety of a snuggie with a pint of ice cream.

Or five pints of ice cream. Because that’s the other thing about steroids: they make you hungry. Like, crazy hungry. Over the last week, I’ve gained 5 pounds as a result of delivering every single edible morsel within arms’ reach to my mouth (occasionally said edible morsels are not, in fact, edible. I’m pretty sure I licked a piece of dryer lint off my chin and what I thought was a cookie crumb may have actually been a dessicated booger).

Some of you are probably going to argue that this is the status quo, and to those folks I will say STOP JUDGING ME (Sorry. Mood swing). I MUST EAT. It is strange and odd, because usually I only feel this way about cake, and not say, every single food group, ever.

And so, in honor of me mashing every single piece of  food I can find into my mouth, I’ve collected some photos from our last trip to Astoria … during which Rand and I mashed every single piece of food we could find into our mouths at the Astoria Sunday Market.

It may not have been our proudest moment. It wasn’t always flattering. But damn it, it was honest. And as I shove yet another salted caramel into my mouth before the noon hour, I know that at least I’m being sincere. Or something.

Whatever.

It begins as all good things do: with empanadas.

The woman who sells these also makes her own salsa, which is amazing.

  -

Like Rand’s passion for me, the cheese burns hotter than he anticipates, and his tongue is scalded.

-

Continuing the filled-pastry theme of the morning, we follow up our empanada with a hand pie. 

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Rather inexplicably, Rand looks pained to eat it. Or perhaps he was just tired of me snapping photos in his face.

“Woman … just … stop. Please. FUCKING STOP.”

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And, of course, retribution was swift to follow …

Rhubarb cupcake with brown butter frosting. I ate it in about 15 seconds.

-

You know what? That last photo wasn’t quite unflattering enough. We can do better. I know it.

Aaahhhh. That’s it.

  -

The viscious aftermath:

“Oh, hell NO you did NOT just take a photo of me demolishing that cupcake.”

-
You know what? This feels mean-spirited. I blame the steroids. I should end on a high note. A photo of my husband looking unspeakably gorgeous while injesting something.

Bingo!

-
Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a jar of nutella with my name written hastily on it.

Full list of categories:  Attractions » City Guide » Food » Local Color
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Comments (29)

  1. 10. Jul, 2012 / Mandy St. Amand:

    I was in dire need of a laugh today and you provided it with the “more unflattering” photo, which isn’t that bad, chica. Shit the bed, I laugh hard at your posts. Glad you’re back.

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  2. 10. Jul, 2012 / Deidre:

    Steroid food cravings>steroid pimples (trust me, I know!). Two years ago I had a bad flair-up of my rheumatoid arthritis (think 25-year-old in an 80-year-old’s body a la Benjamin Button). The doc overloaded me with Prednisone and my chest broke out like a 14-year-old boy on the wrestling team. Anywho, I’ll be down in Astoria this weekend and will HOPEFULLY have a spare moment to indulge in at least a fraction of the goodies you mentioned. Yum!

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  3. 10. Jul, 2012 / peacsktr:

    Dear Geraldine,
    Your back….so glad i was so mad bored missing my daily eveywhereist blog read. Glad to hear everything was how it went and your healthy.
    Andres from Miami

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  4. 10. Jul, 2012 / Mary:

    Long time lurker coming out of the background here – I am in sympathy with you when it comes to steroids. I used to take advantage because it obviously wasn’t me eating – the steroids were making me do it :) (The less said about the black hairs the better)
    I now take immune depressants which have made me become dairy-free. As cheese is one of the major food groups in my house it has been likened to a tragedy! Have a shopping list of my favourites pinned to the fridge for the day I come off them! Soy is not quite the same…
    Am glad you have come through the last 2 weeks well and hope you have kicked Steve to the kerb with the door locked behind him and a no vacancy sign up.

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  5. 10. Jul, 2012 / Deb:

    I was on prednisone for about seven months last year. I still haven’t totally recovered from the weight gain, and in places you wouldn’t expect. Cankles? WTF! Drink water like crazy, even though it seems counterintuitive. Fight water with water I guess.

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  6. 10. Jul, 2012 / Louise:

    You’re making me hungry with those cupcakes, unflattering photo or not! ;-)
    So happy you are back and well. You are truly an inspiration.

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  7. 10. Jul, 2012 / Amy:

    I am jumping on the ‘glad you are back bandwagon’! Glad you are healing. Be good to yourself and do what your body tells you to do- like eat anything that’s not nailed down :)
    Amy in West Chester

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  8. 10. Jul, 2012 / Jessi:

    What everybody else said! Feel better, take care, and thanks for the laughs! I need them and you provide them quite nicely!

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  9. 10. Jul, 2012 / Erica:

    Though in slightly inconvenient quantities, I’m glad you’re feeling well enough to eat! Always a good sign :) Hope you’re getting lost of rest but I have to say it’s good to have you back.

    Beer in a mason jar?! Best.Day.Ever.

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  10. 11. Jul, 2012 / CatCatAttack:

    That sounds like the kind of spousal support I could do. Eating goodies, out of LOVE!

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  11. 11. Jul, 2012 / Melissa:

    Welcome back!! I’m doing the Snoopy-Happy-Dance and LAUGHING again!! 8*)

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  12. 11. Jul, 2012 / Mark:

    Me. Glad. You. Back. You. Eat. Kiss. Good ( International Brain Surgery Language)

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  13. 11. Jul, 2012 / Michelle:

    Wow, I missed all the excitement and just came back to the news that you had a brain tumor named Steve and that he has now been evicted. So glad everything went well and that you are on the mend. I love reading your writing and am glad to see that Steve leaving didn’t affect your sarcasm. Keep getting well and eat all the chocolate cake you can stand!

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  14. 11. Jul, 2012 / Taryn:

    It could be worse…When my dog was on steroids, he would walk around the house peeing as he went! You could find where he was sleeping by following the pee-trail!

    So glad you are on the road to recovery, even if it does lead through every grocery store in your area!

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  15. 11. Jul, 2012 / AmandaE:

    Welcome back!
    I didn’t have the steroid food cravings so much as I had moon face, I swelled up so much that my cheeks seemed to merge with my chin and forehead ala Santa Claus. There are no surviving photos from this time period…

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    Everywhereist Reply:

    That’s pretty much where I am (my face is developing a sort of pancake type appearance).

    [Reply]

  16. 11. Jul, 2012 / MM:

    So glad the steroids have not screwed up your sense of humor. Amazed at how you are handling all of this, and now taking horrible steroids. Hope you eat whatever the hell you want. I took steroids once for a short time – didn’t sleep, cleaned closets in the middle of the night, and felt as if I had eaten bottles of NoDoz. On the plus side, my batting average went way up.

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  17. 11. Jul, 2012 / Sierra:

    Eating everything in sight has to be better than the alternative…glad all is well and crisis was averted ;)

    ps…was reading the July/Aug Inc mag while having lunch and as I flipped the page and saw a familiar face, I exclaimed “oh look, it’s The Everywhereist’s husband Rand!”, ha! Awesome, and congrats to Rand on the press!

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  18. 11. Jul, 2012 / Kristina Cline:

    You might want to tone the eating down a notch, maybe celery slathered with frosting? Cheesecake topped with quiinoa? You know, throw something healthy in there somewhere. Love this post btw.

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  19. 11. Jul, 2012 / Hugh:

    Wait, what was amazing? The salsa, or the fact that she *makes* salsa?

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  20. 11. Jul, 2012 / Steve:

    Even when on steroids you manage to remain hilarious.

    “I also have a sneaking suspicion that underneath every new zit that has arisen on my jaw, chest, and arms is a teeny tiny black hair waiting to break the surface.” -If you take to naming each budding hair…. take it easy on us “Steve’s” ;-)

    P.S. The beer in my pint glass immediately felt inadequate. I’m off to find an old mason jar. Wish me luck!

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  21. 11. Jul, 2012 / Ann:

    You are hilarious! And now i am craving hand pies and empanadas. I just came back from a California road trip and I was so, so sad that the Petaluma Pie Company was closed Tuesdays, the one day we were there. Astoria is only two hours away… hmmm…
    Heal fast chica! I hope the steroid puffery gets better soon.

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  22. 12. Jul, 2012 / classycareergirl:

    Just found your blog on Forbes Top 100 websites for women, congratulations everywhereist! I enjoyed this post. You’re indeed hilarious! The cupcake looks yummy…no wonder you ate it in 15secs. lol Nice photos!

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  23. 12. Jul, 2012 / Mandy:

    I couldn’t help but notice the even more unflattering dog (+ owner…now who’s being mean spirited?) in the background. :) Glad you’re on the mend! My husband had to take steroids to help with his unexplained hearing loss and, while the hunger did not hit him quite so hard, the mood swings and rampant amounts of energy were insane. Best of luck!

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  24. 12. Jul, 2012 / ria:

    Is that a trail of saliva in the picture of hubby with empenada? A hair?? Blech. I love your blog. You are making me laugh a few scant days after having brain surgery. And you are adorable even on steroids.

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  25. 12. Jul, 2012 / Jennifer:

    Oh no… you didn’t just say Nutella… did you? Cruel… just cruel! LOL

    :)

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  26. 13. Jul, 2012 / Kitty:

    I’m so happy to read that Steve is just a harmless (sort of) pain in the a**! Get well ver soon! I’m delighted to see that it didn’t make you lose your sense of humor :D

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  27. 14. Jul, 2012 / Viv:

    Here’s my survival guide to long-term high dose steroids, from personal experience:
    - It’ll take about a year (after cessation of the steroids) for the moonface to disappear, so invest in a good haircut and flattering earrings. And don’t hesitate to snap at the hairdressers if they insist that your face isn’t round.
    - Ugh, the tummy. It’s been two years since I got taken off the evil little pink and white pills, and I still have a beer belly to rival a 157cm-to-scale-Asian-version-of-Homer-Simpson. It has shrunk a teensy-weensy bit, so the only thing for it is limited intake of refined carbs (I know, I know) and personal training sessions. Maybe Pilates
    - Keep up your calcium and vitamin D intake. Steroids sap your bone density
    - The insomnia and mood swings wear off when you taper the dose. But catch some zzz’s when you can during the day. Easy to say when the steroids buzz you up, but try sleeping to some soft music (to silence your pounding heart)
    - Don’t try to limit your calorie intake. Opt for high protein meals to cut the rate at which the steroids sap your muscle mass. Avoid fat and carbs that get piled on instantly. Above all, exercise to keep your muscle bulk.
    PS, congrats on beating Steve.

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  28. 28. Aug, 2012 / Amy Dinsmore:

    I was totally IN ASTORIA THIS DAY. My husband and I drove out from our vacation rental in Rockaway Beach so I could experience the Goonies goodness Astoria has to offer. We drove past the market and thought about stopping for lunch, but it was totally packed. Okay, now I totally sound like a stalker.

    I bet that browned butter rhubarb cupcake was amazing.

    [Reply]

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