Predictions for the Aftermath of the Cascadia Quake.

Posted on
Aug 4, 2015
8

 

One of Portland’s many bridges which isn’t really designed to withstand much more than light foot traffic.

If you live in anywhere along the western seaboard of North America, but particularly in the Pacific Northwest, you’ve probably heard about the massive earthquake that’s going to kill all of us any minute. In preparation, I’ve eaten everything perishable in my fridge while theorizing what will happen in the aftermath of the quake.

I thought I’d share my predictions with you, because that’s more fun than actually putting together an emergency kit. Here’s what I suspect will happen in the wake of The Cascadia Quake Event (a.k.a., “How the West Was Lost”).

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We don’t know when it’s going to happen. It could be next week, or several months or 762 years from now. But according to my nightmares, it’s probably going to be tomorrow. I recommend running to the grocery store and stocking up on Pop-Tarts immediately. It’s totally cool if you just stand in the aisle and cram them into your face (Remember: Today’s shoplifting is tomorrow’s looting!)

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Most of us are not going to die in the earthquake. Instead, we’ll be killed in the ensuing Mad Max/Lord of the Flies dystopia (which won’t be nearly as sexy as Hollywood would like you to believe). Several dozen others will be crushed under the weight of their small batch indie liquor collection, and a select few will perish in what will become known as the “The Pike Place Fish Throwing Massacre.”

In their defense, you can’t throw that much fish without finally snapping and throwing a tourist.

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That pop culture snob you know who really likes vinyl records is going to survive with his entire collection intact, but his record player will be destroyed. He will find the allusion to The Twilight Zone to be, “Ugh, soooo cliche.”

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A clever young entrepreneur will start selling Hipster Quake Survival Kits. Contents will include: a handlebar mustache, artisanal cruelty-free jerky, and tickets to see a band no one’s ever heard of.

Obligatory photo of my husband.

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Everyone is going to smell terrible. Like, “I forgot to put deodorant in my survival kit” terrible. Like, “I’ve been eating nothing but canned kidney beans and concentrated tomato paste for three days” terrible. Like, “wet wipes are not a substitute for a shower” terrible. For my shirtless neighbor who plays guitar in the park all the time, this will be a lateral move.

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The entire population of Idaho (official state motto: “The Apocalypse is upon us”) will shake their heads at how unprepared we are. This is exactly why they’ve been stockpiling 17 years’ worth of guns and supplies. Well, this and Obama.

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For the first time in years, Joel McHale will sleep easy, knowing that everyone who remembers him as the chubby balding guy on Almost Live! is either dead or unable to access YouTube.

YoungJoelMcHale

October 12, 1996: NEVER FORGET.

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Residents of Mercer Island will spend several hundred thousands of dollars on bottled water before realizing that they are surrounded by a freshwater lake, and all they really needed was a bucket.

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Portland will ridicule the rest of the northwest for buying commercially-made lifestraws instead of whittling our own from reclaimed oak and bits of charcoal.

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Enterprising developers will start selling 10′ x 10′ squares of land covered in rubble as “deconstructed homes” in the heart of what was Seattle’s Capitol Hill. Prices will start in the low $700s.

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Clothing-wise, nobody will look that different, because we all kind of dress like campers during the apocalypse, anyway.

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My husband will get really annoyed with me when he realizes that I packed a portable Scrabble game and not a Scrabble dictionary. He will argue repeatedly that “gromph” is not a word, but without an internet connection will be unable to prove his case. There will be much gromphing on his part as a result.

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I’m now off to buy several dozen gallons of water and a hatchet. Toodles.

Leave a Comment

  • Mr. Smith

    Where Rand leads, I will follow. I have a hatchet of my own so watch yourself, lady.

  • When my wife went to the doctor to get laser eye surgery, I got her to tell them the reason was “to survive the post-quake apocalypse” – oddly enough, it wasn’t funny to them because they’d heard that same answer MANY times…

    Another time I also got her to ask in the gift-shop at Mt. Rushmore if they had any historical accounts in books of when Abe Lincoln was a vampire hunter. One employee looked in the back for books they didn’t have on the shelf…

    • This is literally the only reason that I had lasik. Oh, and accidental transportation to the past.

  • Josephine Robertson

    If we keep saying this stuff really loudly will it keep people from moving here and making the traffic worse?

  • mammatroll

    My husband’s comment when I started checking out survival kits on Amazon: “Why don’t you buy a gun? It’s way cheaper.” Me: “I… What?!” Him: “You know, just point it at the first overprepared softie lumberjack you see, and you’re golden.”
    He has a point… I won’t survive this. 😛

  • Mojojojo1

    Would we call him chubby?

  • Yes. This. Post. Is. Hilarious. Thank you for giving the interwebs this genius writing. I especially loved how we basically already dress like post apocalyptic campers anyway. So true, but I never had the right words.

  • I just hope it’s not before Dec. 25 because Dec. 25, I’m coming for you. (Please tell me you’ll be there for the holidays.)

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