This is the face of a man who has been bested.

-

Dear Rand,

By now, you have probably noticed that the milk in the fridge has been dyed pink. You are probably wondering why I did this. My motivation for that act (and so many countless others) is simple: I wanted to mess with you, dearest.

Because you had it coming. Especially after what happened on Monday night. Let us take a moment to talk of that unpleasantness.

Last week was nice, wasn’t it? The weather in Palm Springs was lovely, and we got to eat lots of tacos. I love tacos, don’t you? Of course you do. I wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t like tacos.

But then, after we got home, it happened. I went grocery shopping after dinner, and, in a rare departure from the ordinary, you came with me. You helped me carry the shopping bags home, and placed them on the counter in the kitchen, while I wandered upstairs.

Among those groceries was a half gallon of that pricey organic milk that we always buy, because you’ve convinced me that a baby seal dies every time I buy the cheap stuff.

On Monday night, you placed those groceries on the counter. And there they stayed. All night.

Now, I know what you are going to say: didn’t I, too, neglect to put away the milk? To which I would reply THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, RAND.

This is about you, leaving the milk out. While I was upstairs browsing Zappos working on my computer, you were downstairs, DOING ALL SORTS OF THINGS THAT DID NOT INCLUDE PUTTING THE MILK AWAY.

I mean, what if we had a kid, Rand? And instead of putting the kid away after we got home, you left it on the counter all night? WHAT THEN?

We’d have to go buy a new baby, Rand. And that would be expensive. Babies don’t grow on trees. And as our friend Ruth pointed out, neither does milk -”it’s juice squeezed from a cow.” And babies are squeezed from people. And … um … the point is YOU CANNOT BE WASTEFUL WITH THE THINGS THAT OTHER LIVING BEINGS HAVE SQUEEZED OUT OF THEIR BODIES.

I’ve decided I need to break this habit of yours as soon as possible. So I spent yesterday afternoon trying to think of a suitable punishment.

At first, I considered forcing you to spend all night on the counter, so you’d know how it felt. But, god, you’d whine, and then you’d probably get stuck on that one sticky part of the counter that never comes clean, and in the end it would be more work for me than it would be punishment for you.

Then I briefly contemplated divorce, since I’d have totally reasonable grounds for it (I’d tell everyone how you left the milk out, and then I’d get custody of all our friends). But that sounds exhausting, and I’ve heard it’s not nearly as glamorous as Divorce Court has made it out to be.

Plus, maybe I would miss you. Maybe.

Then, I thought about making you drink the milk that you left out, but I think that you anticipated that, because you immediately threw it away.

After that, I considered not buying any more milk this week, because frankly, I’m not sure either of us deserves it. But then I changed my mind, because cereal.

So there is a nice, full gallon of milk in the fridge, Rand. The fancy kind, too. I just bought it. It’s perfectly drinkable.

It just happens to be pink.

-

Which probably seems innocuous enough, right? But I know you, Rand. I know that pink milk is going to freak you out. You’ll start thinking it tastes weird. You won’t want to pour it on your cereal, and if you do manage to, you’ll find the pink color clashes horribly with your Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

And guess what, Rand? THE PINK MILK IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF YOUR NIGHTMARES.

Because things are about to get crazy. I’m going to start buying cheap milk. And I’m going to keep the fancy milk cartons, and just pour the cheap milk in there. And vice versa. Oh, and I’m blacking out the expiration dates on every carton I buy.

And let’s not forget all of my baking supplies. Food coloring. Extracts of all kinds. I’ll be adding those at random.

I’ll start making my own labels, too. They won’t offer useful information as to what kind of milk is in the carton. No. The labels will just add to your torment. I’ve already started working on a few.

-

Sometimes, I’ll include details. You will not appreciate them.

-

Forget life as you knew it, Rand. Every time you open the fridge and reach for the milk, it will be like spinning a roulette wheel. I’ll basically be like The Joker, except I’ll focus exclusively on dairy.

Welcome to hell. Population: you.

Sincerely,

The Woman Who Totally Didn’t Leave the Milk Out

 

Full list of categories:  Life at Home » Nothing to Do With Travel
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Comments (70)

  1. 09. Jan, 2014 / Nathan Byloff:

    I would freak out too if my wife started blacking out all the expiration dates. That’s terrible!

    [Reply]

    Sid Reply:

    If you can’t tell that the milk is expired by smelling or tasting it, why would you believe what a number printed on the jug says?

    [Reply]

  2. 09. Jan, 2014 / Rachael:

    Absolutely hysterical :)

    [Reply]

  3. 09. Jan, 2014 / Abbey:

    I’m buying food coloring and doing this immediately. It’s time for a prank war in my house.

    [Reply]

  4. 09. Jan, 2014 / Kaila:

    My favorite part? “….because cereal”. The answer to everything we do should be: because cereal. Duh!

    [Reply]

  5. 09. Jan, 2014 / Leah:

    This reminds me of the time that my husband and I went to Costco, then got drinks, which turned into dinner, went home, and forgot about the groceries in the trunk, including cottage cheese and wild caught salmon. The next morning, my car smelled lovely, I must say. Profuse finger pointing ensued.

    [Reply]

  6. 09. Jan, 2014 / Brad Feld:

    Can we spend some time on the whole “dishes issue.” Or how about “the episode where the toilet seat was wet because – we’ll – let’s not go there.”

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Wait … why was the toilet seat wet? WHY, BRAD?

    [Reply]

    Donna Reply:

    I don’t know MARGO.

    [Reply]

  7. 09. Jan, 2014 / Maria:

    I’m just way too exhausted by all the laughing I’ve done in these 3 minutes I’ve spent reading this post.

    YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE HILARIOUS!

    [Reply]

  8. 09. Jan, 2014 / John Kinnear:

    This is why I write. I want to be this funny someday.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Well, shucks. :)

    [Reply]

    Buzz Bishop Reply:

    What John said. This is so good.

    [Reply]

  9. 09. Jan, 2014 / Kristen:

    This is pure genius….

    [Reply]

  10. 09. Jan, 2014 / Lees:

    Hilarious! Reminds me of the time my husband noticed that the milk was expired and put a post it note on it that simply said “Old”. Like he needed to let the person in charge of all things milk or spoiled know and couldn’t possibly do anything about it himself. What is the statute of limitations on milk crimes? I should have punished more.

    [Reply]

    sheri Reply:

    I KNOW! There is a pretty short, but definitive list of things only I am in charge of in my house too. I am 99.9% sure that is one of them too!

    [Reply]

  11. 09. Jan, 2014 / mike@foodbyfoot:

    Great post. My wife comes up with weird punishments for me too but thankfully she has never thought to mess with my dairy products. If I give you her IP address could you block her from ever coming on here for ideas?

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Nope. She and I are gonna be besties.

    [Reply]

  12. 09. Jan, 2014 / Janet T:

    I’m feeling a little sorry for Rand right now. Pink milk would freak me out- and hobo juice is funny but just too eeewww.

    [Reply]

  13. 09. Jan, 2014 / fran:

    This post right here is why I love you.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Awwww.

    [Reply]

  14. 09. Jan, 2014 / Sophie:

    I’m going to have to remember this one. Really all I have to do is threaten to replace the milk with powered milk in front of my brothers and they panic.

    [Reply]

  15. 09. Jan, 2014 / Jennifer:

    I can’t believe you threw out the milk. Did you try it? It was probably fine.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Well, to be fair, Rand threw it out. But I think it was a totally reasonable and defensible act. Leaving the milk out in the FIRST place was when he became all divorceable.

    [Reply]

  16. 09. Jan, 2014 / Melissa:

    hilariously creative – you realize though, that organic milk you find at most major grocery stores is UHT pasteurized? They sell it in the refrigerated section so as not to freak out Americans, but until opened it’s shelf stable :)

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Okay, I honestly had NO IDEA that was true. Seriously?

    [Reply]

    Rob Reply:

    Melissa is right! It’s completely shelf stable. In many countries, pasteurized milk is not refrigerated when sold.

    So, there’s nothing wrong with leaving the milk out over night if it is unopened. (But, shhhhhh, this’ll be our little secret.)

    [Reply]

    Carol Reply:

    It’s true! Assuming it’s the kind that comes in a box with the sticker you peel off the spout.

    Melissa Reply:

    really and truly – in European countries this type of milk is sold in a box on the shelf, but when it was first marketed that way in the states, people would NOT go for it, so they put it back in our good ole regular milk jugs in the refrigerated section and we were happy little sheep again, but it’s the same stuff – UHT past. gives it a shelf life of 6-9 months and since organic supply doesn’t sell as fast, producers want to make sure it doesn’t get wasted – although it’s kind of a nasty process in terms of what it does to milk (it’s quite far from its original state) – and that’s my dairy geekiness quota for the night :)

    [Reply]

  17. 09. Jan, 2014 / Franek:

    A tip for the future: sour milk is delicious! Cook some friend egg and potatoes and drink your sour milk with it. You will not feel so upset at your husband then. Here are some directions: http://www.polishclassiccooking.com/2011/06/dish-for-kings-sour-milk-with-boiled.html

    [Reply]

  18. 09. Jan, 2014 / Michael Cottam:

    Hmmm. Scotch on your porridge worked fine, didn’t it Rand? Scotch on your cereal….PROBLEM SOLVED! No more riding a scooter to work though.

    I have an alternative solution if you insist on milk on your cereal, however. I have these 3-D paper and plastic glasses that came with the Polar Express 3D movie DVD. They didn’t really work at all for the movie (even Ben admitted it), but I have 2 pairs…if I took the blue lens out of one of them, and replaced the red lens in the other with the blue lens, then if you wore the blue glasses while eating your cereal…I think it would look like chocolate milk…COOL!

    [Reply]

    sheri Reply:

    there needs to be a “like” button here somewhere.

    [Reply]

  19. 09. Jan, 2014 / Kate:

    …love the story & love the thumbs (perfect with the pout)

    [Reply]

  20. 10. Jan, 2014 / Amy:

    You are my inspiration! I’m bookmarking this for next time I need a creative way to get revenge on my hubby for committing some giant household chore based sin!

    [Reply]

  21. 10. Jan, 2014 / Suzical:

    Hippo milk is bright pink.. True fact (I read it on the animal fact card in Edward’s snack!)

    [Reply]

  22. 10. Jan, 2014 / Danielle Gauntt:

    LOVE THIS! Too hilarious! Rand got owned…I bet he never leaves groceries out again!

    [Reply]

  23. 10. Jan, 2014 / Justin H:

    Time for Rand to add scotch to all the dressings and marinades. Clearly this hasn’t escalated far enough.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    To be fair, he does that anyway.

    [Reply]

  24. 10. Jan, 2014 / Amberlee:

    Yes, this is my favorite post. On one outing, my husband asked me for a taste from my vanilla ice cream cone. When I handed it to him, he promptly bit the bottom off it, which caused a big, nasty mess. Uggghhh. So, I enacted my revenge. I waited one full year until I was enormously pregnant and on an outing with him. On said outing he ordered an ice cream cone. I chose not to order one and then requested a taste of his. Of course he couldn’t refuse his enormously pregnant wife and obliged. Naturally, I bit the end off of his cone. He now knows not to mess with my cones! ;)

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Okay, he did WHAT? That is absolutely barbaric.

    [Reply]

  25. 10. Jan, 2014 / TheGirlInNYC:

    So funny! Passed it onto my husband so he knows I’m normal.

    [Reply]

  26. 10. Jan, 2014 / Pashmina:

    I love the Hobo juice picture. LOL.

    What about when boys put an *almost* empty carton of milk BACK in the fridge? Like, there’s a teaspoon of milk in there but somehow, that needs to go back in instead of cleaned and recycled. I mean, WHY?? There should be some revenge for that too.

    [Reply]

    liz Reply:

    I must know this revenge, as well as my children leave empty boxes and cartons in the pantry as well!

    [Reply]

  27. 10. Jan, 2014 / Sarah @ The Momisodes:

    That is AWESOME! AWESOME!!!

    [Reply]

  28. Do you think the pink dye punishment would be just as effective when my husband leaves his dirty socks on the floor? ;)

    [Reply]

    Sheba Reply:

    I do believe the pink dye would be fantastic punishment, unless of course your husband enjoys the color pink, or his socks are black… If he likes the color pink, dye them lime green, if the socks are black, bleach them, then dye them! :D Or, you could starch so badly they become stiff…

    [Reply]

    CITIZENW Reply:

    Put the milk in the fridge in the morning, and then cook or bake something with it in the next few days that calls for milk (The milk will not be bad immediately from being left out overnight), or for soured milk (usually it says to sour the milk by adding vinegar). Like banana bread, one of our favorites, which calls for soured milk, and which is also a GREAT way to use up overripe, brownish/blackish bananas. Save the baby seals and save money too.

    But hilarious post!

    [Reply]

    CITIZENW Reply:

    Sorry, mis-posted that reply. But the proper equivalent revenge for socks on the floor might be pink underwear…just sayin’ LOL

    [Reply]

  29. 10. Jan, 2014 / Michael:

    That note would have me going to a lawyer immediately. Then, a restraining order against her even if I had to lie… Then fight tooth and nail for her to get… NOTHING from the divorce. Total absolute bitch. Period. It’s SO bitchy it’s not even funny… kind of like the wife of Raymond of Everybody Loves Raymond… but NOBODY loved his shrew of a wife.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Rand’s response to your comment:

    “Yup. That’s what you get for dyeing milk pink … wait, he’s not serious, is he? Does he get what is going on at all?”

    [Reply]

  30. 10. Jan, 2014 / Kelly:

    I don’t get why she’s freaking out. If you’ve been with a man for more than one day, you know that despite the seemingly obvious (carrying in groceries is followed by putting away of said groceries) you still have to provide instruction each step of the way. I’ve reminded my husband to put away groceries and consequently found his wallet in a grocery bag in the fridge (because the bag and all it’s contents were placed entirely in the fridge)

    [Reply]

    Sheba Reply:

    Keep the wallet and all of it’s contents.. Let him freak out for a while :D

    [Reply]

  31. 10. Jan, 2014 / Katie:

    Love. This. (Although I *may* have been the one who forgot to bring in a grocery bag once so it stayed in the trunk all night. In June. It contained chicken. Raw chicken.)

    Also…my husband (who is, let’s say, *particular* about expiration dates and such) used to work in the dairy department at the corporate office of a major grocery retailer. He said organic milk isn’t any different from regular milk in terms of content…whatever they’re giving the cows doesn’t come through the milk. (I’m not sure I believe it. But he swears it’s true.) But regular milk doesn’t support organic farmers, so if you’re buying it for social reasons, carry on.

    [Reply]

  32. 10. Jan, 2014 / Erica:

    Omo! I just died laughing while my 3 year old asked me “Mommy!! Computer make you cry?!” This is the best thing I have read in a while. High five!

    [Reply]

  33. 11. Jan, 2014 / Seamus:

    Curse you! My wife read this.

    I am doomed. DOOMED!

    [Reply]

  34. 11. Jan, 2014 / Margo:

    Ditch the cow milk (what happens to dairy cows is way worse than baby seals dying)
    Almond milk is the only way to go!!!!

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Can’t have nuts.

    [Reply]

  35. 11. Jan, 2014 / Kellie:

    Hahahah. I need to get more creative in my punishments. The silent treatment after finding the giant pack of melted cheese slices in my trunk this summer probably didn’t phase my husband the slightest.

    [Reply]

  36. 11. Jan, 2014 / Deb:

    How incredibly petty and immature! Two years ago my husband died suddenly, unexpectedly, and way too young. I lost my soulmate, my life partner. And yet you’re whining over warm milk? Really? I don’t intend to sound cruel but grow up and appreciate what you have before it’s too late.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Deb,

    I am terribly sorry for your loss. However, you have failed to understand both this situation, and my relationship with my husband. I encourage you to read the blog a little more – I think you’ll find that I strive, every day, to appreciate Rand as much as I possibly can. The last few years have taught me that there are no guarantees – that you can lose people you love at any time (hell, you can suddenly find out that you have very little time left, yourself).

    As such, I let him know every day how much love and laughter he brings into my life. And this little pink incident was my way of bringing a little bit of laughter into his life. I’m happy to say I succeeded – and that a lot of people laughed, too. I hope, at second glance, it brings a smile to your face, too.

    Sending you lots of hugs, and condolences on your loss. xoxo

    [Reply]

    Celeste Reply:

    This right here is why I respect you even more as a person than I do a writer (and that is a large statement). You’re right in saying anyone who has known you (albeit, virtually) for longer than 2.7 minutes knows of your steadfast affections for your husband. Thank you for this kind, mature, and exemplary reply to this clearly hurting reader, Deb. I would like to think I would’ve responded similarly, but truth is, I would likely have gotten defensive, and in so doing, responded immaturely. You’re a pretty great human being, Geraldine.

    [Reply]

  37. 16. Jan, 2014 / Rebecca:

    There isn’t much I read these days that makes me laugh out loud. For real laugh out loud, I mean. This did. Thank you!

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Aww, thanks, Rebecca. :)

    [Reply]

  38. 16. Jan, 2014 / Felix:

    This is gold… Pink milk, so simple, so effective. Hats off…

    [Reply]

  39. 24. Jan, 2014 / C:

    Haha too funny!
    Regarding the milk- it’s shelf stable if it’s ultra pasteurized. You don’t want to be buying that kind anyway- just pasteurized.

    [Reply]

  40. 06. Feb, 2014 / virginia:

    Hi, I have a question: what does “king of beef” refer to? I know the word “beef” only flesh-wise and the humour here escapes me :(

    [Reply]

  41. 12. Feb, 2014 / Melinda:

    Thank you for giving me a real good laugh. This was a fantastic post. You inspire me to be more creative when clearly frustrated.

    [Reply]

  42. 27. Mar, 2014 / Concerned Male:

    What a fucking bitch. Probably sits on her fat ass behind the computer while Rand works his life away supporting her and paying for the MILK. Fucking whore.

    [Reply]

    Everywhereist Reply:

    Awww, thanks!

    [Reply]

    Sarah Bird (@SarahBird) Reply:

    Thank you for your concern.

    [Reply]

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