Seattle, I love you. You know this. I will always love you, in spite of everything. You insist on charging me for street parking until 8pm? I deal with it. Your property values continue to skyrocket despite the fact that I can buy a 4-bedroom 3-bathroom palace anywhere else in the country for roughly the price of a bagel? Fine. Whatever. I deal with all these things, Seattle, because in my eyes there is no one like you.
But I have my limits. And consequently, THIS SHIT CANNOT STAND:
It has occurred to me that my European readers are probably freaking out right now that we’re all going to die in a cloud of scalding steam based on that forecast. So this is for their benefit:
Crap. Now my fellow Americans are freaking out that we’re embarking on a new ice age, right? CALM DOWN, EVERYONE. PUT AWAY YOUR PITCHFORKS (also, seriously, where did you even get pitchforks?). It is not the end of days. You, over there! Yes, you. Stop cannibalizing your neighbor. YES YOU ARE CANNIBALIZING HIM. I can totally see you. Stop it … Thank you.
Those crazy low numbers are just how they record temperature in non-America. I know. It makes no sense. A hundred degrees is boiling, and zero is freezing, which sounds reasonable until you realize that they only have a hundred measurements where we have two-hundred-twelve, and so things get really inaccurate really quickly, and no one can convert from one to the other. I once asked a Brit what 15 degrees Celsius was, and I swear he replied, “Somewhere between 50 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit.”
For the record, that is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL.
Nevertheless, wherever you are from, I am sure you can agree that the above temperatures are craptacular when one considers that it is July, or, as we like to call it in the Pacific Northwest, “the one month when we don’t have to wear as heavy a jacket.” But this year has sucked, Seattle, and I am calling you out on it.
Seriously, W.T.F. You’d think we were in San Francisco or something.
Of course, it’s fair to assume that I’d be complaining no matter what. The second the temperature creeps above 75, I begin to whine. So much so, that I felt it relevant to create a few Scumbag Steve inspired images. I’ve dubbed them “Scumbag Seattlite.”
Sigh. True to your fickle nature, Seattle, in the time it’s taken me to write this post, the temperature has increased from 50 degrees Fahrenheit up to 70 (or, for those of you in the rest of the world, from 15 degrees Celsius to 15 degrees Celsius), the clouds have burned off, and the sun is now shining.
Now let’s just see if you can keep it up. Because, really, Seattle, it’s July. And it’s high time we put away our rain coats. At least for a couple of days.