Seattle, I love  you. You know this. I will always love you, in spite of everything. You insist on charging me for street parking until 8pm? I deal with it. Your property values continue to skyrocket despite the fact that I can buy a 4-bedroom 3-bathroom palace anywhere else in the country for roughly the price of a bagel? Fine. Whatever. I deal with all these things, Seattle, because in my eyes there is no one like you.

But I have my limits. And consequently, THIS SHIT CANNOT STAND:

Dubya. Tee. Eff.

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It has occurred to me that my European readers are probably freaking out right now that we’re all going to die in a cloud of scalding steam based on that forecast. So this is for their benefit:

Top o' the morning to you, my international amigos. Or whatever.

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Crap. Now my fellow Americans are freaking out that we’re embarking on a new ice age, right? CALM DOWN, EVERYONE. PUT AWAY YOUR PITCHFORKS (also, seriously, where did you even get pitchforks?). It is not the end of days. You, over there! Yes, you. Stop cannibalizing your neighbor. YES YOU ARE CANNIBALIZING HIM. I can totally see you. Stop it … Thank you.

Those crazy low numbers are just how they record temperature in non-America. I know. It makes no sense. A hundred degrees is boiling, and zero is freezing, which sounds reasonable until you realize that they only have a hundred measurements where we have two-hundred-twelve, and so things get really inaccurate really quickly, and no one can convert from one to the other. I once asked a Brit what 15 degrees Celsius was, and I swear he replied, “Somewhere between 50 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit.”

For the record, that is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL.

Nevertheless, wherever you are from, I am sure you can agree that the above temperatures are craptacular when one considers that it is July, or, as we like to call it in the Pacific Northwest, “the one month when we don’t have to wear as heavy a jacket.” But this year has sucked, Seattle, and I am calling you out on it.

Seriously, W.T.F. You’d think we were in San Francisco or something.

Of course, it’s fair to assume that I’d be complaining no matter what. The second the temperature creeps above 75, I begin to whine. So much so, that I felt it relevant to create a few Scumbag Steve inspired images. I’ve dubbed them “Scumbag Seattlite.”

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Sigh. True to your fickle nature, Seattle, in the time it’s taken me to write this post, the temperature has increased from 50 degrees Fahrenheit up to 70 (or, for those of you in the rest of the world, from 15 degrees Celsius to 15 degrees Celsius), the clouds have burned off, and the sun is now shining.

Now let’s just see if you can keep it up. Because, really, Seattle, it’s July. And it’s high time we put away our rain coats. At least for a couple of days.

Full list of categories:  WTF
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Comments (33)

  1. 1
    Stevie says:

    I think it’s *supposed* to be “nice” this weekend…whatever that means. For some reason I haven’t minded the crappy weather so far this summer. Probably because I’m in no way bathing suit ready this year so the cooler weather is an excuse to avoid the beach (even though I live for the beach).

    Also, just started reading your blog! Big fan.

  2. 2
    Sue says:

    I found your blog thanks to the Time list. I love your blog, I love you, I love cake. It’s around 90 with about 1000% humidity here in southern New Jersey. Trade ya!

    • 2.1
      Everywhereist says:

      Yay! I love me and I love cake, too! Let’s be friends. In all seriousness, thank you. :)

      Also, I know exactly how bad Jersey can be in the summer. My sympathies.

      • 2.1.1
        Sue says:

        I think we are friends, or maybe related. I have a severe mayonnaise phobia and I HATED “Titanic.” Kate Winslet looked old enough to be Leo’s mom. Couldn’t wait for the boat to sink.

  3. 3
    Gavin says:

    I just got back from Seattle visiting family, when on a cool boat tour on the most beautiful day I’ve ever seen…in Seattle. But the boat tour guide guy said that Seattle gets really low rainfall, surprisingly. It just “drizzles” constantly. Being from the Northwest I feel your pain. But it’s hard to beat the fact that we have the micro-breweries per capita!

  4. 4
    Tony Spencer says:

    I went to pee off the deck tonight. It boiled and evaporated before it had a chance to hit the dirt. Its hot here but I suppose I’ll be happy with hot. lest we have rainy cold all week.

    • 4.1
      Everywhereist says:

      Is there any way that you could create a family-friendly video of that? Because the world needs to see it. Not specifically you peeing, but the evaporation mid-air and what-not. Feel free to use a black censor box where necessary.

  5. 5
    Roger says:

    I live in Santa Cruz and our weather looks exactly the same despite being almost 1,000 miles (1,600km) closer to the equator. There has been one huge benefit – I haven’t had to turn on the sprinklers at all this year. (It is stressful because on the control panel they get set to 3 but I have no idea if that means every 3 days, 3 times a week or some other deep meaningful 3.) Heck it even looks like the amount of moisture provided by the weather is enough to keep the grass alive, but not so much that I have to keep mowing it. Go weather!

  6. 6
    Colleen says:

    I don’t mind hot. I was born in Yuma, Arizona and raised in San Diego. I know heat, and heat knows me. But when it rains for more than a week, I start to get huffy. I’ve been this way forever. I lived in New Hampshire for eight years, and in Oregon for 2. So, rain+Colleen= not always happy.

  7. 7
    Schmaty says:

    As an experiment I just asked my lovely Brit what 15 degrees Celsius was in Farhenheit.

    His response, after a solid 30 seconds of head scratching? ‘Um, it’s chilly. Um, let me google it.’

    Seriously, worst system ever.

    • 7.1
      Everywhereist says:

      I am dying over here. DYING.

      • 7.1.1
        Philip says:

        When I was a kid “they” tried to switch the US to metric but we all complained because instead of just learning the new system we tried to convert everything back to Imperial and got too confused (10 kilometers? What’s that in miles?!? WAAAAH!*) so it never went anywhere.

        Here’s a marginally helpful equation for C to F: multiply by 2 and add 28. It isn’t exact, I don’t think, but it gets you within a couple of degress instead of 20.

        *the answer is 6.

  8. 8
    Nicole says:

    Come to Spain! – The hot summers here make you want to hide inside, eat ice cream and drink cold beer…at the same time. Oh, and naps – lots and lots of naps!

  9. 9
    Petra says:

    Qui a Rimini, Italia, ieri c´erano 42 gradi! Troppo caldo!!!!!! Da due giorni sono chiusa in casa con i miei figli a causa del caldo! Aiutoooooo!! Voglio la pioggia!!!!!

  10. 10

    Gosh, the Seattle weather sounds lovely. Just like London’s. No, really, *just* like London’s at the moment.

    I, an escaped New Yorker, am in summer heaven in London. My friends back in NYC are sweltering in 90+ and high humidity. I have to wear a sweater on in the evenings. I love it.

    BTW, here’s an easy way to convert from C to F: double the number and add 30. So 15C is (15 x 2 = 30, + 30 =) 60F. To go from F to C, do it in reverse. So 76F is (76 – 30 = 46, /2 =) 23C. Easy! Impress your friends!

  11. 11
    Cat says:

    Having grown up in Northern California, I can take cold and wet. Living in ATL with hot and wet is just disgusting.

  12. 12
    Sheri says:

    Texas Summer … record drought … Houston humidity=95% … temp 100F (38C – for your convenience) feels like 109F / 43C. Hot Hot Hot….

    I was in Seattle once in July and it was beautiful ~ i was beginning to think the reports of constant rain were propaganda to keep people from moving there … guess not.

  13. 13
    AlexeytheRuskiAmerican says:

    “It has occurred to me that my European readers are probably freaking out right now that we’re all going to die in a cloud of scalding steam based on that forecast.”

    You have no idea how much I’m laughing right now simply because I can’t get the idea of dying from boiling rain out of my head.

    In other words, great read :)

  14. 14
    Suzanna says:

    Love your blog! I grew up in Seattle and remember being six year old, sitting in a car, surrounded by drizzle and thinking “this sucks”! I’ve lived in toasty (and cheap!) Tulsa, OK for the past 16 years and while there are many things I miss about Seattle, the weather isn’t one of them. Feel free to come down here for some days of sun!

  15. 15
    Christina says:

    Haha, I totally know where you are coming from. I live in San Diego and have a requirement that it always be 72-77 degrees, with sun peaking through some clouds. Anything else requires extreme amounts of A/C or me sitting in the car with the seat heater on.

  16. 16
    Samuel Mburu says:

    Hey there(stubled across your site from the fluent in 3months writeup you gave.. pretty freakin awesome, I need to go back and find a group to speak german with I took 3years of it in high school, and speak swahili too, rosetta stone and I know some people that speak it… thanks so much, I’ll work on my perfectionism) anywhoo…

    I lived in Seattle for a year and well, lets just say I’m cold blooded and well my gf lived in Houston. I then was offered a job in Austin and quickly took it. Ever since I moved down here, I’ve loved every moment of it!!! The heat is awesome.. In Seattle I would leave a cold office for well a not so much warmer outside, and even though the temperature consistency was nice, I didn’t appreciate it being cold… 80s 90s heck yess, 100s umm maybe a little too toasty… oh and in my apt, I rarely if ever turn on the A/C, the fan works just fine.

    I do miss Capitol Hill though, Austin isn’t quite as mature as Seattle but it should be in some years with all the tech down here.

    Tschus,
    Samuel M.

    P.S. i posted this in a hurry at work so forgive the scatter brained-ness… there is a general idea there :)

    • 16.1
      Everywhereist says:

      There is a general idea! And it is complimentary! Thank you!

      Best of luck in Austin – I hear it’s a cool town.

  17. 17
    Christine S. says:

    Check the weather in Wichita. Apparently we really ARE going to die in a cloud of scalding steam.

    • 17.1
      Everywhereist says:

      I am seriously thinking I need to visit you out there. I’m just so curious as to what it’s like.

      • 17.1.1
        Christine S. says:

        It’s like Seattle on Opposite Day. Mostly conservative, wildly fluctuating temperatures, fast-moving traffic, iffy restaurant cuisine (except steak. lots of steak.)

  18. 18

    I was about to say, “hey, Seattle, are you trying to be San Francisco?” and then I saw you beat me to it.

  19. 19
    Ann says:

    Yeah, I am feeling resentful in Portland too. It’s not so much the coolness as the grey skies that are irritating me. What, we can’t have blue sky yellow sunshine for 2 months out of year? Sheesh.
    You better shape up next month, Northwest weather.

  20. 20

    in case it helps feel better…. + it’s cold: around 14C… the month of April this year was actually better than July in terms of warm weather… rants!

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